Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[Minnie Moo]

3 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Thank you all so much for your replies.  I have an iPhone and it shows "blocked messages" if you have blocked someone, and they call and leave a message.  Yesterday, I noticed a Blocked Message.  It was him.  He wanted to know how I was doing and mentioned how he was just thinking about and wanting to check on me since we are friends.  I deleted the voicemail.  

That’s great.
Keep deleting and blocking 👍🏻

I have an iPhone. Never knew you could see blocked voicemails? 🤷🏼‍♀️ Learn something new every day.  

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Never knew you could see blocked voicemails?

Just a heads up that knowing he is trying contact you will stop you from moving on. The only way to truly get the benefits of NC is him having no way to contact you. Soon you will be checking for blocked messages the same way you checked for texts. I am surprised there is no way for you to block him entirely.

[EleanorRigby2000]

6 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Just a heads up that knowing he is trying contact you will stop you from moving on. The only way to truly get the benefits of NC is him having no way to contact you. Soon you will be checking for blocked messages the same way you checked for texts. I am surprised there is no way for you to block him entirely.

I am trying to figure out a way for the blocked voicemails to not appear.  Not sure why iPhone even shows them.  😡 If he contacted me today, it would have been through text or email, and I have those blocked.  Good riddance to him.  He can now move on to the next woman he intends to play while being married. 

In other news, I got back on a dating site Monday.  I'm now talking to two men, and both are wanting to meet in person.  One seems like he wants me to take the lead on everything.  I prefer men to take the lead because I'm a fam of chivalry.  The other one has already asked for my number instead of just messaging on the site.  So I may end up having a date or two sooner than later.  

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

@EleanorRigby2000

Everyone’s advice above is spot on. 
Delete and block this guy. Don’t give him the benefit of an explanation or telling him how you feel/how he makes you feel. He doesn’t deserve it.  

This is absolutely true. In addition, @EleanorRigby2000, if you tried giving him a piece of your mind, he would use that to maneuver his way back into your life. He's a skilled manipulator. He has observed you long enough to figure you out. He knows your weaknesses and insecurities. He knows exactly what he needs to say and how he needs to say it to get you to agree to be his "friend" and, perhaps, down the road, to get you to agree to a full-blown physical affair.

Anyway, I'm glad you've already blocked him. But I thought I'd mention the above just in case you ever felt tempted to talk to him and explain why you blocked him. Just keep reminding yourself that even the idea that you owe him an explanation is part of what you've been manipulated into believing.

[Minnie Moo]

9 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Just a heads up that knowing he is trying contact you will stop you from moving on. The only way to truly get the benefits of NC is him having no way to contact you. Soon you will be checking for blocked messages the same way you checked for texts. I am surprised there is no way for you to block him entirely.

I blocked my exMM weeks ago. I very much doubt he’s left me any messages as he’ll be too busy convincing his wife he’s her loving, doting husband before their new baby arrives.  
 

Was just really surprised that even after blocking numbers you can still get voicemails. I’ve no idea how as I’m useless at working my phone anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️😆 

[Minnie Moo]

3 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I am trying to figure out a way for the blocked voicemails to not appear.  Not sure why iPhone even shows them.  😡 If he contacted me today, it would have been through text or email, and I have those blocked.  Good riddance to him.  He can now move on to the next woman he intends to play while being married. 

In other news, I got back on a dating site Monday.  I'm now talking to two men, and both are wanting to meet in person.  One seems like he wants me to take the lead on everything.  I prefer men to take the lead because I'm a fam of chivalry.  The other one has already asked for my number instead of just messaging on the site.  So I may end up having a date or two sooner than later.  

Good luck re: the dating sites and meet ups.  Even if no one works out straight away from them it’s a great way to get his face/voice put of your head by talking to and meeting other people.  
Now the world is opening up a bit again say Yes to social invites and any new hobby opportunities too. You never know who you might meet 😊

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Anyway, I'm glad you've already blocked him. But I thought I'd mention the above just in case you ever felt tempted to talk to him and explain why you blocked him. Just keep reminding yourself that even the idea that you owe him an explanation is part of what you've been manipulated into believing.

This!! ⬆️

I still can’t believe how much I explained (and gave away) to my exMM without even realising that all my explanations and analysing of the situation and letting him know how I was feeling/how he was making me feel was giving him all the information he needed to keep playing me/reeling me in or pushing me away as and when needed. 
It’s a definite character flaw of mine that I always feel I have to ask/explain/justify/apologise and the more silent he decided to be the more I would do these things trying to figure out how to fix everything.  I really need to learn to stop that.  

[RebeccaR]

7 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

without even realising that all my explanations and analysing of the situation and letting him know how I was feeling/how he was making me feel was giving him all the information he needed to keep playing me/reeling me in or pushing me away as and when needed. 

Unless your ex-guy is a psychopath (which granted he may be), I doubt it was that well thought out on his part. Usually the cake eating guys are just juggling things to keep both women happy and off his case at any given moment.

[Minnie Moo]

9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Unless your ex-guy is a psychopath (which granted he may be), I doubt it was that well thought out on his part. Usually the cake eating guys are just juggling things to keep both women happy and off his case at any given moment.

Unfortunately after all the things I’ve found out that he’s said and done to other people before he was/and during the time he was with me. I’m pretty convinced he’s narcissistic bordering on sociopathic. 

[CalliopeTrope]

On 4/22/2021 at 2:26 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 Good riddance to him.  He can now move on to the next woman he intends to play while being married. 

 

Good point.  It's likely that you're not the first one he's tried this on with.  Good riddance indeed.

[EleanorRigby2000]

Ugh.  The MM has found another way to contact me.  He still had my email address and  started emailing me.  I ended up replying, I know that's weakness on my part.  He started telling me again how much he misses me and cares about me.  I told him what I thought about him sneaking behind his wife's back and communicating with me.  He then offered to introduce me to her.  I found that odd.  I should have told him yes, please introduce us.  I don't know that he would have actually tried to have us meet.  He has emailed daily.  His latest emails have been him wanting to say hello and he hope's I'm okay because his life is great and couldn't be any better.  
 

I find myself trying to figure out why he's now telling me his life is so wonderful.  Perhaps that is his way of saying he never cared about me since he has only started saying this since I told him what I thought about him and then I stopped responding. 
 

I only get email on my phone and I cannot find a way to block his email address through my phone.  So frustrating.  

[Stupidkupid]

6 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Ugh.  The MM has found another way to contact me.  He still had my email address and  started emailing me.  I ended up replying, I know that's weakness on my part.  He started telling me again how much he misses me and cares about me.  I told him what I thought about him sneaking behind his wife's back and communicating with me.  He then offered to introduce me to her.  I found that odd.  I should have told him yes, please introduce us.  I don't know that he would have actually tried to have us meet.  He has emailed daily.  His latest emails have been him wanting to say hello and he hope's I'm okay because his life is great and couldn't be any better.  
 

I find myself trying to figure out why he's now telling me his life is so wonderful.  Perhaps that is his way of saying he never cared about me since he has only started saying this since I told him what I thought about him and then I stopped responding. 
 

I only get email on my phone and I cannot find a way to block his email address through my phone.  So frustrating.  

If you can't block then you should be able to filter to junk mail which will delete every so many days anyway. If not, could you change your email address and delete thus account? 

FYI hes telling you how wonderful things are because hes trying to manipulate you. He is upset you blocked him and in his efforts to control the situation he is hoping this will impact you emotionally.

Hes being a manipulative man-child. Ignore him and don't respond

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

If you can't block then you should be able to filter to junk mail which will delete every so many days anyway. If not, could you change your email address and delete thus account? 

FYI hes telling you how wonderful things are because hes trying to manipulate you. He is upset you blocked him and in his efforts to control the situation he is hoping this will impact you emotionally.

Hes being a manipulative man-child. Ignore him and don't respond

There is always delete. You can actually delete his emails without even opening them. 

I wouldn’t find this kind of behavior endearing or acceptable in any way. If you’ve told him not to contact you and you really mean it, I would send him a reply letting him know that I will file a protection order against him if he doesn’t cease all attempts at communication. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 minute ago, Stupidkupid said:

If you can't block then you should be able to filter to junk mail which will delete every so many days anyway. If not, could you change your email address and delete thus account? 

FYI hes telling you how wonderful things are because hes trying to manipulate you. He is upset you blocked him and in his efforts to control the situation he is hoping this will impact you emotionally.

Hes being a manipulative man-child. Ignore him and don't respond

Great idea on filtering to "junk."  

I never thought of that as being a manipulative tactic.  It did hurt to read that his now better than ever knowing how much he has complained about his wife in the past.  Good insight.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

Just now, BaileyB said:

There is always delete. You can actually delete his emails without even opening them. 

True.  I need to find the strength and willpower to do that.  I want to stop caring about him.  

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

True.  I need to find the strength and willpower to do that.  I want to stop caring about him.  

It starts by creating a little space and distance... Otherwise known as, no contact. 

[Stupidkupid]

6 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Great idea on filtering to "junk."  

I never thought of that as being a manipulative tactic.  It did hurt to read that his now better than ever knowing how much he has complained about his wife in the past.  Good insight.  

I have way too many of these first hand insights.

As far as my experience goes, you cannot move on without the knowledge that it impossible for him to contact you.

If you really can't block create a filter that goes right to junk mail ot straight to trash.

Each contact with him will out you back to at, or at least near to, square one

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

His latest emails have been him wanting to say hello and he hope's I'm okay because his life is great and couldn't be any better.  

I’m sorry, I’m just rereading this and had to say - what a jerk! 

He’s clearly trying to manipulate you. He’s probably trying to goad you into responding to him. Or, he’s just rubbing it in - either way, it’s disrespectful and just plain mean. 

He did however accomplish his goal - he has got you thinking about him again. I would say to you, don’t give him the satisfaction of responding. Block, block, block!! Delete, delete, delete!!

 

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry, I’m just rereading this and had to say - what a jerk! 

He’s clearly trying to manipulate you. He’s probably trying to goad you into responding to him. Or, he’s just rubbing it in - either way, it’s disrespectful and just plain mean. 

He did however accomplish his goal - he has got you thinking about him again. I would say to you, don’t give him the satisfaction of responding. Block, block, block!! Delete, delete, delete!!

 

I did respond to one email and told him I'm happy that his life is going so well and couldn't be any better.  
 

after I replied, I immediately questioned myself and was mad at myself for giving him the satisfaction of a reply.  😡

[mark clemson]

Hmm. This sounds like it might be narcissistic hoovering. You might look that up on the internet.

My guess is the offer to meet his wife would evaporate once you "bit". I suppose I could be wrong about that. Possibly he has told her about you and that you are a bunny boiler or some-such and so feels confident you could meet her. That's presumably pretty arrogant on his part, but you never know what's going on in someone's head.

You could also look into laws on cyber-stalking in your jurisdiction and see if they apply. That would give you something to fight back with (along with the "I'll tell your wife" threat).

[EleanorRigby2000]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. This sounds like it might be narcissistic hoovering. You might look that up on the internet.

My guess is the offer to meet his wife would evaporate once you "bit". I suppose I could be wrong about that. Possibly he has told her about you and that you are a bunny boiler or some-such and so feels confident you could meet her. That's presumably pretty arrogant on his part, but you never know what's going on in someone's head.

You could also look into laws on cyber-stalking in your jurisdiction and see if they apply. That would give you something to fight back with (along with the "I'll tell your wife" threat).

I've never heard of narcissistic hoovering. I will definitely look it up.  
 

I get the feeling he hasn't told her a thing about me since he made sure I knew I couldn't contact him after work hours or on weekends. I feel like if he had told her about me, he would want me to text him after hours so she could reply to me.  But then, I really have no clue. 
 

A friend showed me how to block email.  I have to use a computer not a phone or tablet.  My home computer is broken, so I am going to use the friends computer this weekend (if I can last that long) and block him.  
 

thank you again for all advice.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted.  Things were going well with NC.  Then I heard from him again.  He has a different email account and messaged me telling me he noticed I have not responded to his emails on his other account.  He also mentioned that he doesn't want me to use the second email address because he's not the only one to see the emails for that account.  I replied and told him I was tired of him hiding me and only being allowed to communicate with him during weekdays and via a secret email account.  I mentioned that I care so much about him but my caring is one-sided.  I have not heard from him since.  I love him so much, and I hate that I love him.  Maybe now he will leave me alone - even though it hurts.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Maybe now he will leave me alone  

Excellent.

You don't love him, you love the illusion of him created in your mind. Therefore you have all the power and control to change that.

Make sure he and all his people are blocked from ALL your social media and messaging apps and devices.

Now that you are free of this heel, start talking to and meeting single men.

 

[assertives]

Should have just continued to ignore the emails from the new account and continue to block. Stop replying him or even opening his emails. Before you realise it, you would have wasted more years of your life where you could have spent elsewhere with someone else.

[Stupidkupid]

6 hours ago, assertives said:

Should have just continued to ignore the emails from the new account and continue to block. Stop replying him or even opening his emails. Before you realise it, you would have wasted more years of your life where you could have spent elsewhere with someone else.

This.

You should not respond. Ever. Eventually he will get bored with the lack of responses.