Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[EleanorRigby2000]

7 hours ago, assertives said:

Should have just continued to ignore the emails from the new account and continue to block. Stop replying him or even opening his emails. Before you realise it, you would have wasted more years of your life where you could have spent elsewhere with someone else.

You're right.  It was curiosity that got me when I saw an email from a different account.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

It's now been 10 days NC.  I blocked him from texting, and he doesn't have social media.  Since I only use my phone, I wasn't able to block his email, but he hasn't tried to email. Ten days ago, I was weak and replied to him.  During the conversation, he was telling me his usual stuff about missing me and wanting to see me and be with me.  His comment about being with me lit something within where I replied by telling him exactly how he made me feel and that we no longer need to communicate.  He told me he still wanted to be friends and meet for lunch on occasion.  I told him that would not be possible.  He asked if I was serious about no longer communicating, and I told him I was.  I mentioned that I will always love him, but this thing between us cannot continue.  
 

i have felt so strong and so empowered.  Then, all of the sudden, I woke this morning thinking about him and missing him.  My heart has hurt because I have thought about him so much today.  I did not reach out, but I wanted too.  I ended up spending the day with a friend.  I told the friend that I want him to tell me he cares about me and loves me.  I don't know why I want him to say that, but I do.  I miss him, I miss "us," I miss being able to confide in him.  It all hurts and stinks.  But I know it's for the best to be NC.  I just hope it will get easier.  
 

I also found myself feeling sorry for his wife.  Even though she met him when he was married, and she was his mistress, I still think it stinks that he was contacting, sexting, being with, and sharing so much with me.  Oh and he doesn't see sexting and spending 4+ hours a day communicating with another woman as cheating.  I do see that as cheating.  

Maybe one day he will be a distant memory.  
 

 

Edited June 7, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[EleanorRigby2000]

I have posted here before about a guy I was involved with who shared with me earlier this year he was married.  He shared this after we reconnected, started talking every day, and were sexting.  All of you have great advice, and I finally went NC.  Until, a month or two ago, I unblocked him assuming he would never reach out again but honestly curious if he would.  
 

He reached out again. He asked about me ignoring him, etc.  We had a nice chat.  I felt so strong and was proud that I was so open and honest with him.  Then, he started telling me he missed me.  He started telling me how "spouse" was being demanding, rude, and yelling at him often.  As for saying Spouse, that is how he referred to her because he wouldn't say her name.  Since we reconnected, he once referred to her as "wife" but now only refers to her as "someone else" or "the other person living here."  We started sexting again, and I fell back in to the "feelings for him" trap.  He rarely reaches out on weekend because she looks at his phone and e-mail when they are together.  As for weekdays, I have been getting good morning texts at the beginning of every morning for the last 3 weeks.  We don't sext every day, so most texts or calls are just about life stuff (family, work, etc).  Last week, he shocked me.  He was opening up about how much I mean to him, and he told me he can't "get it up" or if he does, he can't keep it up for the other person who lives there.  He mentioned that after telling me how easily he can do that with me.  TMI, I know.  At that point, I couldn't help but wonder why he would tell me that.  I don't get it.  Although, with him telling me that, I realize he most likely uses me for his sexual gratification and doesn't always sext so I will continue to care about him and "help" him.  
 

it's a horrible feeling to know that I'm being used.  It's also horrible to know that I love somebody who clearly doesn't love me.  Im not looking for kind and nice responses.  I know it's my fault and what I'm doing is wrong.  
 

Has anyone gone back to someone like this?  Any suggestions on how to make my heart stop caring? 

[glows]

The one thing you can control is not responding to someone and remaining in no contact. You can't control your feelings for someone but you can limit your interactions and control your own actions. 

You're depending on your emotions to guide you and help you stop but it's misguided. Moving on comes from repeated new habits (not remaining in contact any longer) and a very concerted effort to change what you've been doing before. 

[Distraught1]

Do you see him or just test/sext/talk? You are not married? Please block him again and go find someone that is not taken. This is only going to continue to F with your head. Perhaps you are both using each other for some type of emotional filler and if that is the case...keep your expectations VERY low. If you honestly think you love him, then stop now! He doesn't love you. He may like you, he likes the way you make him feel, he is unhappy, but this is nothing but heartache for you. Let him figure his life out w/o you. Go find someone that is available to you all days of the week and stop being the filler for an unhappy man. You know he is using you so just stop before it gets to be too much again. If you were honest about why you blocked him, how did he respond? I understand...but I miss you so much!? You unblocked him because you wanted to feel needed again. I get it but it's futile and will lead to nothing but longing and pain. 

[Myabee]

49 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I have posted here before about a guy I was involved with who shared with me earlier this year he was married.  He shared this after we reconnected, started talking every day, and were sexting.  All of you have great advice, and I finally went NC.  Until, a month or two ago, I unblocked him assuming he would never reach out again but honestly curious if he would.  
 

He reached out again. He asked about me ignoring him, etc.  We had a nice chat.  I felt so strong and was proud that I was so open and honest with him.  Then, he started telling me he missed me.  He started telling me how "spouse" was being demanding, rude, and yelling at him often.  As for saying Spouse, that is how he referred to her because he wouldn't say her name.  Since we reconnected, he once referred to her as "wife" but now only refers to her as "someone else" or "the other person living here."  We started sexting again, and I fell back in to the "feelings for him" trap.  He rarely reaches out on weekend because she looks at his phone and e-mail when they are together.  As for weekdays, I have been getting good morning texts at the beginning of every morning for the last 3 weeks.  We don't sext every day, so most texts or calls are just about life stuff (family, work, etc).  Last week, he shocked me.  He was opening up about how much I mean to him, and he told me he can't "get it up" or if he does, he can't keep it up for the other person who lives there.  He mentioned that after telling me how easily he can do that with me.  TMI, I know.  At that point, I couldn't help but wonder why he would tell me that.  I don't get it.  Although, with him telling me that, I realize he most likely uses me for his sexual gratification and doesn't always sext so I will continue to care about him and "help" him.  
 

it's a horrible feeling to know that I'm being used.  It's also horrible to know that I love somebody who clearly doesn't love me.  Im not looking for kind and nice responses.  I know it's my fault and what I'm doing is wrong.  
 

Has anyone gone back to someone like this?  Any suggestions on how to make my heart stop caring? 

Oh goodness... I feel ya. YES. I have been involved in a similar scenario except mine does love me however, he is not leaving his marriage because he is way to comfortable. I became his play to due to his lack of sex at home. These type of men are cake eaters. They like to string us along to boost ego and fulfill fantasy. At the end of the day they want nothing more. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

8 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Do you see him or just test/sext/talk?
 

Perhaps you are both using each other for some type of emotional filler and if that is the case...keep your expectations VERY low. If you honestly think you love him, then stop now!
 

If you were honest about why you blocked him, how did he respond? I understand...but I miss you so much!? 

We just talk/sext/text/FaceTime.  
 

I will admit, he makes me feel wanted.  I really like that feeling.  He tells me he will never hurt me or burn me in any way, and he cares a lot about me.  
 

He responded very similarly.  He said he misses me and cares about me.  Then he started apologizing profusely for making me feel used.  He finally said we could end the friendship for good, but it's not what he wants and he asked if I would really want to never hear from him again.  So I told him we could be friends but nothing more.  We were communicating seldom and only as friends until we weren't.  When I get quiet or do not reply, he checks to see if I'm okay.  Recently, he was inquiring as to whether or not I was spending time with another man.  I told I was and mentioned it was a guy he met through me years ago.  He said, "oh that guy the platonic friend," to which I told him it was.  He changed the subject after that.  

[Distraught1]

33 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I will admit, he makes me feel wanted.  I really like that feeling.  He tells me he will never hurt me or burn me in any way, and he cares a lot about me.  

I understand this feeling. It draws you in. So, I'm not saying it's right...but if you know you are being used, and are in a sense using him to feel needed, then you must set your expectation that this person is filling a need for me, I'm filling a need for him but DO NOT expect that he will ever leave his wife for you. You are two consenting adults but just know...he is in fact using you. He may even honestly care about you to some degree, but if you are going to stay in this, just know it's going to lead to nothing that truly fulfills you.

May I ask if you are actively dating? Because you are single, why not find an available man? Why waste your time w/ this guy?  

Edited October 18, 2021 by Distraught1

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

As for saying Spouse, that is how he referred to her because he wouldn't say her name.  Since we reconnected, he once referred to her as "wife" but now only refers to her as "someone else" or "the other person living here."  

Sorry this is happening. It's sad to associate with someone who is married to and lives with a woman who he may as well call "it".

If he has that little respect for her, imagine what he really thinks of you.

You too are probably just an "it", for an objectifying creep like this.

 Imagine what he thinks behind your back while they are having sex, enjoying married life and living like a family?

Hanging out with lying snakes like this will demoralize you.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Milly May June]

He talks about his wife in a very condesending way. That is just mean. I am sure he made his wife feel special once upon a time as well and look how he is treating her now. If you stick with this one you will be next.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Oh goodness... I feel ya. YES. I have been involved in a similar scenario except mine does love me however, he is not leaving his marriage because he is way to comfortable. I became his play to due to his lack of sex at home. These type of men are cake eaters. They like to string us along to boost ego and fulfill fantasy. At the end of the day they want nothing more. 

I'm sorry Myabee I see very little difference between your situation and the OP.  They both sound like the same man saying the same things to OW to keep the sex and ego stroking coming.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

it's a horrible feeling to know that I'm being used.

When you start loving yourself more than someone else's husband you will no longer allow this.

[Distraught1]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Do you see him or just test/sext/talk?

Ok, I just went back and read your previous post. Please rid yourself of this man. He is a mess. He knows you and knows that you are insecure enough to keep filling his needs. He also probably knows that you love him...however it's not love. He is filling your need to feel needed. I'm sorry you are going thru this but I'm sure there is a much better man out there for you. Be strong and block him again!

Edited October 18, 2021 by Distraught1

[EleanorRigby2000]

40 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I understand this feeling. It draws you in. So, I'm not saying it's right...but if you know you are being used, and are in a sense using him to feel needed, then you must set your expectation that this person is filling a need for me, I'm filling a need for him but DO NOT expect that he will ever leave his wife for you. You are two consenting adults but just know...he is in fact using you. He may even honestly care about you to some degree, but if you are going to stay in this, just know it's going to lead to nothing that truly fulfills you.

May I ask if you are actively dating? Because you are single, why not find an available man? Why waste your time w/ this guy?  

It was only this weekend when a good friend spelled out for me that I'm being used that I started thinking about it. 
 

I try to date.  I have been ghosted, told I am not pretty enough or hot enough to date, and stuff like that in the past 6 months.  So I shut myself off from dating.  

[Distraught1]

1 minute ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I try to date.  I have been ghosted, told I am not pretty enough or hot enough to date, and stuff like that in the past 6 months.  So I shut myself off from dating.  

I'm sorry, this is brutal. There are so many aholes out there...including the MM you are having an affair with. Keep dating, don't shut yourself off. Ultimately what the MM  is doing will prevent you from finding a decent man. I'm sure your beautiful, intelligent and kind...please keep looking. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's sad to associate with someone who is married to and lives with a woman who he may as well call "it".

If he has that little respect for her, imagine what he really thinks of you.

You too are probably just an "it", for an objectifying creep like this.

 Imagine what he thinks behind your back while they are having sex, enjoying married life and living like a family?

Hanging out with lying snakes like this will demoralize you.

I have never thought about how he may have little respect for me too.  He has made comments that he trusts me, appreciates me, values me, and can be himself with me.  He said I know more about him than his wife.  
 

Part of the backstory. This is his second wife.  He cheated on first wife with this one and it broke up his family.  It took him 9 years to divorce his first wife.  When he and this lady would break up, he would come to me.  he flip flopped between us until I ended things.  We reconnected earlier this year, and he told me he was married.  It took him a while to even say he was married.  There are past posts about how I dealt with that.  I went NC again.  Until recently, and now I feel like I'm back and have fallen for him more than ever.  We have T seen each other in person since the first time I ended it.  
 

I know this must make me sound crazy. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

We just talk/sext/text/FaceTime.  
 

I will admit, he makes me feel wanted.  I really like that feeling.  He tells me he will never hurt me or burn me in any way, and he cares a lot about me.  
 

He responded very similarly.  He said he misses me and cares about me.  Then he started apologizing profusely for making me feel used.  He finally said we could end the friendship for good, but it's not what he wants and he asked if I would really want to never hear from him again.  So I told him we could be friends but nothing more.  We were communicating seldom and only as friends until we weren't.  When I get quiet or do not reply, he checks to see if I'm okay.  Recently, he was inquiring as to whether or not I was spending time with another man.  I told I was and mentioned it was a guy he met through me years ago.  He said, "oh that guy the platonic friend," to which I told him it was.  He changed the subject after that.  

Ok... Now really you are striking a cord with me here as my situation sounds almost identical. I will tell you this. Once you cross that line from friendship to the sexual stuff and feelings, it is about virtually impossible to go back to a friendship with this MM. Please take my word on this I have tried and it back fired each time. My best advice, slowly go NC. I say slow because blocking all over does not work until you are really ready. You are better then this. You are being used. 

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry Myabee I see very little difference between your situation and the OP.  They both sound like the same man saying the same things to OW to keep the sex and ego stroking coming.

Yes I agree. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When you start loving yourself more than someone else's husband you will no longer allow this.

True.  I feel like I do love myself.  And then I see things like this and maybe I don't.  Maybe I have fooled myself into thinking I love myself and he does too. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Ok... Now really you are striking a cord with me here as my situation sounds almost identical. I will tell you this. Once you cross that line from friendship to the sexual stuff and feelings, it is about virtually impossible to go back to a friendship with this MM. Please take my word on this I have tried and it back fired each time. My best advice, slowly go NC. I say slow because blocking all over does not work until you are really ready. You are better then this. You are being used. 

I hope we aren't being used by the same man.  I doubt it though.  I guess there are just a lot of men with the same M.O.  

I want to stop loving him.  I am trying to figure out how.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Imagine what he thinks behind your back while they are having sex, enjoying married life and living like a family?

 

He sleeps in the guest room on occasion, sometimes for a week or two at a time.  I know this because he texts me at night when he's in the guest room.  As for sex, he told me it's rare because he can't keep it up when he's with her, so it doesn't go very far.  He said he enjoys how he's able to keep it up when we are sexting or FaceTiming.  

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He sleeps in the guest room on occasion, sometimes for a week or two at a time.  I know this because he texts me at night when he's in the guest room.  As for sex, he told me it's rare because he can't keep it up when he's with her, so it doesn't go very far.  He said he enjoys how he's able to keep it up when we are sexting or FaceTiming.  

This just gives me the creeps. I get that in affairs, it is always a competition between wife and OW even if wife is unaware.... but many times the MM is there stoking these fire embers... shoring up that triangulation. It is very sad that it actually works. We, women, especially at a low point, want to feel better than the competition. 

See this for what it is... extremely gross behavior..sleaze behavior. 

[Distraught1]

19 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 He cheated on first wife with this one and it broke up his family.

He is a serial cheater. What he is telling you about his current marriage is probably false. He may have some troubles here and there but perhaps he is the PROBLEM?

 

21 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He has made comments that he trusts me, appreciates me, values me, and can be himself with me.  He said I know more about him than his wife.  

The MM I'm having an affair with says all of these things to me. These men know what we want to hear to keep us engaged with them. They feed on our insecurities and it's possible he is also talking/sexting/texing/Facetime with any woman who is willing to be his secret sex toy. It's all about opportunity. We are allowing thier agenda to dictate the "relationship". It's sickening really. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

This just gives me the creeps. I get that in affairs, it is always a competition between wife and OW even if wife is unaware.... but many times the MM is there stoking these fire embers... shoring up that triangulation. It is very sad that it actually works. We, women, especially at a low point, want to feel better than the competition. 

See this for what it is... extremely gross behavior..sleaze behavior. 

I agree.  If I were an OW I would make it clear to MM to never bring up his wife or family to me.  I woudn't want to be his sounding board about his wife's so called failures while trying to have sex with me.  If she were that bad why doesn't he leave her sorry butt and come be with me.  It makes no sense.

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  If I were an OW I would make it clear to MM to never bring up his wife or family to me.  I woudn't want to be his sounding board about his wife's so called failures while trying to have sex with me.  If she were that bad why doesn't he leave her sorry butt and come be with me.  It makes no sense.

I have told him I don't want to hear anything about her.  That may be why he says "someone else" or "the other person living here" when he mentions her now, although he has also referred to her as "spouse."  He's never used her name. One day I told him I remember him calling her a b**** and a volatile woman, and I wonder why he is still with her.  Not only did he ignore my comment, he didn't even defend her and say she's not a b**** or not volatile.  If I were married, and my husband said those things about me I would not only be hurt, I would want him to apologize for speaking that way.  
 

I can't help but wonder what she has on him to make him stay if he's really in a loveless and sexless marriage.