Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[Myabee]

42 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I hope we aren't being used by the same man.  I doubt it though.  I guess there are just a lot of men with the same M.O.  

I want to stop loving him.  I am trying to figure out how.  

Ha! Now that would be something else if it was the same man😂 I doubt it though as there seem to be many like this. Mine has no kids and it had been going on the last 16 months. How do you stop loving him? Start loving and respecting yourself. MUCH power exists in that type of healing. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Myabee

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I have told him I don't want to hear anything about her.  That may be why he says "someone else" or "the other person living here" when he mentions her now, although he has also referred to her as "spouse."  He's never used her name. One day I told him I remember him calling her a b**** and a volatile woman, and I wonder why he is still with her.  Not only did he ignore my comment, he didn't even defend her and say she's not a b**** or not volatile.  If I were married, and my husband said those things about me I would not only be hurt, I would want him to apologize for speaking that way.  
 

I can't help but wonder what she has on him to make him stay if he's really in a loveless and sexless marriage.  

Ok, but he is a man who speaks of his wife this way... whether true or not... he also cheats on his wife. And cheated on his first wife. 

What is to like about a man like this? 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I can't help but wonder what she has on him to make him stay if he's really in a loveless and sexless marriage.

Well this doesn't sound like a sexless marriage to me if he's still trying to have sex with her.  Why doesn't he just move into the guest room and not deal with "the person he lives with" and his impotency.  Just sext with you.  It's so simple.

30 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He sleeps in the guest room on occasion, sometimes for a week or two at a time.  I know this because he texts me at night when he's in the guest room.  As for sex, he told me it's rare because he can't keep it up when he's with her, so it doesn't go very far.  He said he enjoys how he's able to keep it up when we are sexting or FaceTiming.  

 

[Distraught1]

10 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 

I can't help but wonder what she has on him to make him stay if he's really in a loveless and sexless marriage.

It took him 9 years to divorce his first wife and was going back and forth between you and his current wife? There is just so much disfunction here. If he divorced this woman would you really want to build a life with this guy? I understand the longevity of the relationship is difficult to disconnect with this guy but if you ended this before why keep this going? It's a lose/lose situation for you and a win/win for him.

 

47 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

When he and this lady would break up, he would come to me.  he flip flopped between us until I ended things.

You ended things when he was available and divorced? But continued on with him once he married his AP? 

Edited October 18, 2021 by Distraught1

[EleanorRigby2000]

25 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

You ended things when he was available and divorced? But continued on with him once he married his AP? 

I ended things when I got tired of the flip flop and told him not to reach out again unless he was completely single and not going back.  He reached out again leading me to believe he was single.  He spoke as if he were single by saying I or me when talking, it was never us or we.  Then one day he said "spouse wanted to go....".   I was already falling for him again, and I asked if he was married.  He said he was.  I went NC and blocked him.  Then I ended up unblocking him thinking enough time had passed and he had forgotten about me.  He reached out again.  He said he only wanted to be friends and no sexting.  That went on for a while, and then he would occasionally send a photo or make a video.  I realized I never stopped caring about him.  He was always telling me how much he missed me.

Edited October 18, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[endlesspossiblities]

3 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I ended things when I got tired of the flip flop and told him not to reach out again unless he was completely single and not going back.  He reached out again leading me to believe he was single.  He spoke as if he were single by saying I or me when talking, it was never us or we.  Then one day he said "spouse wanted to go....".   I was already falling for him again, and I asked if he was married.  He said he was.  I went NC and blocked him.  Then I ended up unblocking him thinking enough time had passed and he had forgotten about me.  He reached out again.  He said he only wanted to be friends and no sexting.  That went on for a while, and then he would occasionally send a photo or make a video.  I realized I never stopped caring about him.  He was always telling me how much he missed me.

Do you genuinely believe that you are in LOVE with him as opposed to simply LIKING him?

[Distraught1]

14 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Then I ended up unblocking him thinking enough time had passed and he had forgotten about me.  He reached out again.

There was no reason to unblock. I think you were hoping he hadn't forgotten about you. But now, at present, you know he is married and you're still continuing on with him. Why are you doing this now? You know he wants more than friends from you. As long as you're engaging with him it will never be just friends. I think the only real answer is to block him again and go back to living your life w/o the drama he brings. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Then one day he said "spouse wanted to go....".   

Whatever nonsense he tells is a lie. That you can count on.

This is like having a rattlesnake as a security blanket because "you tried dating and it wasn't working".

Try again. And it will work a lot better when you get this background noise out of the way.

[Interstellar]

Because love is a drug, that’s why.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

We started sexting again, and I fell back in to the "feelings for him" trap.

Let’s be honest here, you didn’t “fall back” as if you had no control of yourself. You made a conscious decision to communicate again with this man. 

Quote

Since we reconnected, he once referred to her as "wife" but now only refers to her as "someone else" or "the other person living here." 

What an idiot. Please, tell us what attracts you to this “fool?”

Quote

it's a horrible feeling to know that I'm being used. 

Well then don’t let him use you. Block him and go no contact. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. 

Quote

It's alsohorrible to know that I love somebody who clearly doesn't love me. 

This didn’t love. You get many things from this communication - attention, validation, distraction, friendship - but not love.

Edited October 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[EleanorRigby2000]

35 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s be honest here, you didn’t “fall back” as if you had no control of yourself. You made a conscious decision to communicate again with this man. 

What an idiot. Please, tell us what attracts you to this “fool?”

Well then don’t let him use you. Block him and go no contact. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. 

This didn’t love. You get many things from this communication - attention, validation, distraction, friendship - but not love.

1.  I used to struggle with self-esteem.  That's where I truly fell back.  I have once again believed the opinions of men whom I shouldn't believe.  This time they were on dating sites, and I decided to take what I feel I can get as far as another man caring about me. 
 

2.  I have been attracted to him for years.  He compliments me. He always asks about me and tells me he cares about me.  
 

3. I need to

4. You gave me thoughts to think about. 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I have been attracted to him for years.  He compliments me. He always asks about me and tells me he cares about me.  

No doubt, he sees your weakness and he has no problem exploiting it.

15 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I used to struggle with self-esteem.  

Perhaps you still do. Women who have a healthy self esteem don’t tend to engage with this kind of men in these kind of relationships. They see a man walking down the street waving these kind of red flags (the way in which he talks about his wife) and they tend cross the street. 

I’m sorry that you are lonely and I’m sure the attention feels really good. But, all he offers you are just words. He may tell you that he gets going when he thinks of you and now when he is with his wife but she is still his wife. Just as you are enjoying the attention and the validation, so is he.

I hope you find the strength to go no contact again. It’s a shame that you have allowed this man back in your life. Wishing you well.

Edited October 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

he makes me feel wanted.

And here it is. 

The problem when we feel down on ourselves or lonely or a little desperate for affection is that we tend to feel flattered by just about any attention. Even if it's coming from an absolute walnut like this guy. Even swamp-water tastes good when we're desperately thristy, in other words. So since it's not raining much and there is little other available healthy and clean water at the moment, you keep going back to sip the swamp-water. 

And unfortunately, he's made it easy for himself because he tells you the same old crap most MM tell their OW to keep them coming back: my wife is a beast, we don't have sex, you understand me better than she does, I would never hurt you, I care about you....and blah, blah, blah. It's so cliché it would be comical if real people with real feelings weren't involved. You have got to stop falling for this, OP. This man is experienced at this game, so he knows exactly which buttons to push to keep you around. Your mistake is thinking he's being sincere about it all. 

I think if your self-esteem were in a better place, you'd laugh at this dough-head and shut the door in his face. But because you don't think you can do better, you accept this nonsense because it feels good - for a few fleeting moments. But then your rational brain takes over and you start to realize it's mostly just fantasy-talk and will come to a crashing halt sooner or later. And he will dust himself off and keep moving along with his wife. But you? No, you will be left among the wreckage wondering just where he has gone. It will hurt you a lot more than him when this finally ends. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Myabee]

9 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

1.  I used to struggle with self-esteem.  That's where I truly fell back.  I have once again believed the opinions of men whom I shouldn't believe.  This time they were on dating sites, and I decided to take what I feel I can get as far as another man caring about me. 
 

2.  I have been attracted to him for years.  He compliments me. He always asks about me and tells me he cares about me.  
 

3. I need to

4. You gave me thoughts to think about. 

I think working on your self-esteem via therapy might be very beneficial to you at this point. If that is not felt with you could very well continue the cycle of getting involved with these types of men. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

I think working on your self-esteem via therapy might be very beneficial to you at this point. If that is not felt with you could very well continue the cycle of getting involved with these types of men. 

I had a therapist for years.  I recently contacted him, and he has raised his rate outside of my budget.  I don't know that I really want to go through the process of finding another good one and then unpacking everything again. It's draining.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I had a therapist for years. . It's draining.  

That's ok. Go to a physician for a complete evaluation of your mental and physical health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Talking helps but if you have underlying health problems manifesting as depression, obsessions, anxiety etc., there's lot of help for that too.

Also improve your lifestyle for better well being and self respect. Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes and courses. Get involved in sports and fitness. Get a side hustle. Volunteer. All are ways that not only improve self respect and well being, but help you make new friends and possibly start meeting decent men in real life.

This creep is just a manifestation of deeper voids and loneliness. Yet a married liar will only deepen your woes. It's easy, it's passive, it means being too inert to bother with real people or real feelings. Cheating is easy. Living a happy life is easy too, but first you need to drop this creep.

Edited October 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Snakesalive]

22 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

This just gives me the creeps. I get that in affairs, it is always a competition between wife and OW even if wife is unaware.... but many times the MM is there stoking these fire embers... shoring up that triangulation. It is very sad that it actually works. We, women, especially at a low point, want to feel better than the competition. 

See this for what it is... extremely gross behavior..sleaze behavior. 

Just all this . It feels surreal to say it now but I can remember at the time I never thought his behaviour was sleazy -i kinda felt special that he was this way with me -I was more adventurous etc -his wife clearly wasn’t this way so I had the upper hand -eugh that makes me cringe to say it out loud . 

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I had a therapist for years.  I recently contacted him, and he has raised his rate outside of my budget.  I don't know that I really want to go through the process of finding another good one and then unpacking everything again. It's draining.  

You might want to ask your medical Dr. for a recommendation sometimes they can really help to point one us in the direction of a good therapist. Took me a while to find one but I eventually did and I learn more each meeting about how to problem solve much better.    

[Starswillshine]

3 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Just all this . It feels surreal to say it now but I can remember at the time I never thought his behaviour was sleazy -i kinda felt special that he was this way with me -I was more adventurous etc -his wife clearly wasn’t this way so I had the upper hand -eugh that makes me cringe to say it out loud . 

It makes sense though. As an OW, you would feel in the 2nd position to his wife. So having things repeated to you that would give you "an up" helps. The OW role can really jack up someone self- esteem, so it would make sense. 

Also, most OW are not bad people who have no remorse for hurting innocent people. This triangulation helps to ease that guilt. The MM shadows the wife in a negative light which helps lift the feelings of guilt. She is an awful woman who cannot love, respect, etc etc the MM like the OW can. 

Affairs are such a psychology mind f&*# for so many people. 

[salparadise]

25 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The OW role can really jack up someone self- esteem, so it would make sense. 

Affairs are such a psychology mind f&*# for so many people. 

It's puzzling to me that being as selective/picky as women typically are, critically assessing every little nuance of single men beyond rationality, when it comes to getting involved with a married man it's like they switch all of that off and dive right in almost without a thought. Then a few months or years later they can't let it go. If it was just a single boyfriend they'd just say "it's over, bye" and that would be the end of it. But with a married man, the OW can't let it go even when it's driving them bonkers and obviously not in their best interests. I wonder if it's the competitive/illicit aspects, or something else altogether, but it certainly produces a different dynamic. I wonder if anyone has done any serous research?

Edited October 19, 2021 by salparadise

[spiderowl]

On 10/18/2021 at 6:04 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

it's a horrible feeling to know that I'm being used.  It's also horrible to know that I love somebody who clearly doesn't love me.  Im not looking for kind and nice responses.  I know it's my fault and what I'm doing is wrong.  
 

Has anyone gone back to someone like this?  Any suggestions on how to make my heart stop caring? 

Forgive yourself for this lapse, OP, but please get out of this 'relationship'.  He does not love you and you do not love him: you love the person you would like him to be.  It is hard to give up on that dream.

You know you can only cut him off.  He will try to draw you into sympathising with him, as if he is sharing his innermost, sensitive thoughts with you.  Yes, he is, because he does not see you as someone who will become 'real' in his life.  If he thought for a minute his wife would find out, he would drop that sensitive act like a stone.

Just out of curiosity, why sexting?  What do you get out of sexting with a guy who is just using you as a fantasy object?  Guys do this so they don't have to pay someone for the online chat or texts.

I'm really sorry you are hurting but it is because you are believing his 'sensitive, emotional' crap.  He knows he has to keep you on the string somehow.  He sounds very manipulative.

Edited October 19, 2021 by spiderowl

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, salparadise said:

It's puzzling to me that being as selective/picky as women typically are, critically assessing every little nuance beyond rationality, when it comes to getting involved with a married man it's like they switch all of that off and dive right in almost without a thought. Then a few months or years later they can't let it go. If it was just a single boyfriend they'd just say "it's over, bye" and that would be the end of it. But with a married man, the OW can't let it go even when it's driving them bonkers and obviously not in their best interests. I wonder if it's the competitive/illicit aspects, or something else altogether, but it certainly produces a different dynamic. I wonder if anyone has done any serous research?

No research seen but I guess only certain women will accept the dynamics of an affair.
Only certain women will accept the advances of a married man.
Some are naturally susceptible, whilst others are in a place where they are vulnerable to the attention.
Of course some are very ambitious, they see what they want and go out to get it whether he is married or not they don't stop.
Some get what they want, others don't.

[spiderowl]

On 10/18/2021 at 8:26 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I try to date.  I have been ghosted, told I am not pretty enough or hot enough to date, and stuff like that in the past 6 months.  So I shut myself off from dating.  

No decent person would say such a thing, OP, so you need to invalidate their views immediately as being idiotic or bullying.

Most of us get ghosted at some point, it just happens when people are not fully in it or their own fears come into play and they cop out.

I think this idea that you are not pretty enough or hot enough must be something you have got stuck in your head for some reason.  I doubt it bears any relation to reality.  Do guys talk to you?  Do they smile at you of their own free will?  Then yes you are pretty enough!  You need to look at the self-limiting beliefs you have about yourself or you will carry on allowing others to treat you as less than you deserve.

I would suggest making a list of all the things you think are stopping you from dating, including the 'not pretty enough' comment and other negative things you feel about yourself.  Then, go to each one and tell yourself the opposite - write the opposite down.  Remind yourself that the negative thought was an idea in your head that you have taken on board, when you have probably heard lots of positive comments about yourself too.  Have you turned guys down?  If so, what makes you think you are not pretty enough?  They obviously thought so.  Work on the assumption that your beliefs are totally wrong and that the opposite is true.  Tell yourself the opposite is true.  While this will not necessarily make you believe it straight off, it will make you question your basic assumptions about yourself.

Edited October 19, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

49 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It's puzzling to me that being as selective/picky as women typically are, critically assessing every little nuance of single men beyond rationality, when it comes to getting involved with a married man it's like they switch all of that off and dive right in almost without a thought. Then a few months or years later they can't let it go. If it was just a single boyfriend they'd just say "it's over, bye" and that would be the end of it. But with a married man, the OW can't let it go even when it's driving them bonkers and obviously not in their best interests. I wonder if it's the competitive/illicit aspects, or something else altogether, but it certainly produces a different dynamic. I wonder if anyone has done any serous research?

I don't know about any research, sal, but I from my own experience married men tend to come across as:

- successful

- stable (yes, usually they are in a stable marriage)

- gentlemanly - they know how to treat women superficially

- charming, full of praise and delight in having met you

- socially skilled

- quite good looking

- fairly well dressed

- amusing

- a bit daring, not too serious

- seemingly responsible towards their children

- apparently without any obvious major flaws such as an alcohol problem, heavy smoking, gambling, poor hygiene ...

This is why they appear attractive to women.  However, when they chase single women they are displaying this great, serious flaw - dishonesty.

Women fall in love with all the charm and boyishness and end up desperately trying to overlook the elephant in the room - dishonesty.

Edited October 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[Starswillshine]

13 hours ago, salparadise said:

It's puzzling to me that being as selective/picky as women typically are, critically assessing every little nuance of single men beyond rationality, when it comes to getting involved with a married man it's like they switch all of that off and dive right in almost without a thought. Then a few months or years later they can't let it go. If it was just a single boyfriend they'd just say "it's over, bye" and that would be the end of it. But with a married man, the OW can't let it go even when it's driving them bonkers and obviously not in their best interests. I wonder if it's the competitive/illicit aspects, or something else altogether, but it certainly produces a different dynamic. I wonder if anyone has done any serous research?

I think there is definitely something about the competitive/illicit aspect in some cases. I mean, the OW from my X-WH still tries to contact me. Long after the affair is over, long after our divorce. In the end, it almost felt like once the first Dday happened, the affair became about beating me and not trying to get a real relationship with him. Maybe it was because she knew it was never actually going to happen, I don't know. But she still will send me a text/message from some random phone number or social media account to let me know they are still in contact. Um, congrats? I mean he is living with a girlfriend and all, but you win? So there is definitely something there....