Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[EleanorRigby2000]

16 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Forgive yourself for this lapse, OP, but please get out of this 'relationship'.  He does not love you and you do not love him: you love the person you would like him to be.  It is hard to give up on that dream.

You know you can only cut him off.  He will try to draw you into sympathising with him, as if he is sharing his innermost, sensitive thoughts with you.  Yes, he is, because he does not see you as someone who will become 'real' in his life.  If he thought for a minute his wife would find out, he would drop that sensitive act like a stone.

Just out of curiosity, why sexting?  What do you get out of sexting with a guy who is just using you as a fantasy object?  Guys do this so they don't have to pay someone for the online chat or texts.

I'm really sorry you are hurting but it is because you are believing his 'sensitive, emotional' crap.  He knows he has to keep you on the string somehow.  He sounds very manipulative.

Thank you for this advice. I have told myself he loves me too. I am sure you are right, he doesn't see me as someone "real." 
 

As for sexting, it's comfortable.  We were physical, to an extent, in the past.  Bluntly, we did everything except intercourse.  During the time we were NC, we both moved and I got a different job (we used to work together).  The sexting relives the memories of when we would see each other.  We have talked about meeting up just as friends, but it has been difficult to find time - which, now I'm thankful. I don't think I could meet again and not want more.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

16 hours ago, spiderowl said:

No decent person would say such a thing, OP, so you need to invalidate their views immediately as being idiotic or bullying.

Most of us get ghosted at some point, it just happens when people are not fully in it or their own fears come into play and they cop out.

I think this idea that you are not pretty enough or hot enough must be something you have got stuck in your head for some reason.  I doubt it bears any relation to reality.  Do guys talk to you?  Do they smile at you of their own free will?  Then yes you are pretty enough!  You need to look at the self-limiting beliefs you have about yourself or you will carry on allowing others to treat you as less than you deserve.

I would suggest making a list of all the things you think are stopping you from dating, including the 'not pretty enough' comment and other negative things you feel about yourself.  Then, go to each one and tell yourself the opposite - write the opposite down.  Remind yourself that the negative thought was an idea in your head that you have taken on board, when you have probably heard lots of positive comments about yourself too.  Have you turned guys down?  If so, what makes you think you are not pretty enough?  They obviously thought so.  Work on the assumption that your beliefs are totally wrong and that the opposite is true.  Tell yourself the opposite is true.  While this will not necessarily make you believe it straight off, it will make you question your basic assumptions about yourself.

I appreciate the response.  Some guys smile at me, some guys talk to me, and some give me the up/down look and walk away, etc.  I seem to hear the positive comments from family or an occasional female friend.  Yes, I have turned some guys down.
 

Last year, I overheard a female friend talking to another friend about using a matchmaker.  You have to fit a certain profile for the matchmaker.  The friend I overheard made a comment about people they accept by saying they would accept someone like her but not someone who looks like me.  I confronted the friend and she told me I misunderstood.  She wouldn't address it any longer.  Hearing that last year, and then getting the online comments this year, has negatively affected my self-esteem.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

16 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I don't know about any research, sal, but I from my own experience married men tend to come across as:

- successful

- stable (yes, usually they are in a stable marriage)

- gentlemanly - they know how to treat women superficially

- charming, full of praise and delight in having met you

- socially skilled

- quite good looking

- fairly well dressed

- amusing

- a bit daring, not too serious

- seemingly responsible towards their children

- apparently without any obvious major flaws such as an alcohol problem, heavy smoking, gambling, poor hygiene ...

This is why they appear attractive to women.  However, when they chase single women they are displaying this great, serious flaw - dishonesty.

Women fall in love with all the charm and boyishness and end up desperately trying to overlook the elephant in the room - dishonesty.

Bingo.  Except I've either made excuses in my head for the dishonesty or just didn't think about how he's being dishonest because I have been blinded by all of the perceived great qualities.  

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Bingo.  Except I've either made excuses in my head for the dishonesty or just didn't think about how he's being dishonest because I have been blinded by all of the perceived great qualities.  

Struggeling with the same thing right now. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

21 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Struggeling with the same thing right now. 

I'm so sorry.  It's not as easy as it seems like it should be to walk away with no looking back whatsoever.  It takes a conscious decision and a lot of willpower.  

[Myabee]

38 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I'm so sorry.  It's not as easy as it seems like it should be to walk away with no looking back whatsoever.  It takes a conscious decision and a lot of willpower.  

Thanks and yes it does. Was really doing well the last few weeks have been my best run with moving forward. I fell back. Time to get head  on straight again.

[EleanorRigby2000]

I have been backing away a lot, but I've not blocked his number.  I should not have been surprised that I heard from him.  I decided to text back when I saw his sweet hello.  The texting was a nice conversation about nothing serious or heavy.  Until he tried to turn the conversation sexual, but I didn't respond to the sexual comment.  He then kept messaging trying to make me laugh.  He said he had a funny story to share.  His story was his wife almost caught him mb'ing.  He said she doesn't know he does that and would be very upset if she caught him.  I told him I was surprised she didn't know.  He asked what I would think if I were married and caught my husband doing that.  He made a few other statements about a wife catching a husband and then told me they have never sexted even while dating.  Because of his other comments, I asked if he thought less of women who sext, etc.  He said no, but I don't think he would tell me if he did.  That conversation made me realize I am nothing but an occasional  picture on a phone screen to him, and it also made me think he views me as trashy and classless. I ended the conversation.  He continued to try to reach out for another hour.  He even sent me a photo of his manhood saying he hoped it would make me smile.  
 

As much as the feelings I have right now hurt, it is clear that my thoughts and feelings for him are not reciprocated like I thought they were.  This is most likely what I needed so I would stop believing that he cares about me.  Part of my pain is also because he's not even the friend I thought he was. 

Edited October 22, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 He even sent me a photo of his manhood saying he hoped it would make me smile.  

He's a creep💩. You need to admit it to yourself. 

The time you are wasting on this will never come back.

You could be investing in yourself. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single decent men for a low-key coffee ☕.

It's interesting that you used the word relapse. Like he's a disease. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is just trying to get his rocks off, OP. 

It would be a grave mistake to confuse his attention with anything else. 

[Starswillshine]

4 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

then told me they have never sexted even while dating.

This one stood out. My ex husband told this to the OW. And I remember she thought that meant because she thrilled him more, etc. And I was just some prude. 

It was indeed truth. Abd he always threw out little bits here and there, never factually wrong, but never painting the complete picture. Letting her come to whatever conclusions she wanted, and he never corrected them. 

For my ex, I was the more sexually adventurous one in our marriage. When I confronted him about why he would be OK doing this with another woman but not me, his answer was simply just that he cared about me and didn't want to offend me. I was his wife and deserved to be treated with respect, blah blah blah,, and all other hogwash BS you can think of. At the end of the day, I was his wife, mother of his kids, I had a roll. His OWs had their rolls. 

All pretty gross, imo.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

.  He even sent me a photo of his manhood saying he hoped it would make me smile.  

Excellent 👍. Offer to forward it to his wife. Then block him.

Why tolerate this disrespect? You can do much better than this.

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

For my ex, I was the more sexually adventurous one in our marriage. When I confronted him about why he would be OK doing this with another woman but not me, his answer was simply just that he cared about me and didn't want to offend me. I was his wife and deserved to be treated with respect, blah blah blah,, and all other hogwash BS you can think of. At the end of the day, I was his wife, mother of his kids, I had a roll. His OWs had their rolls. 

All pretty gross, imo.

It is the  whole Whore-Madonna idea.
His wife and mother of his children needs love and respect and to be treated like a lady.
His OW, he can treat like a whore to satisfy his baser instincts...

Edited October 22, 2021 by elaine567

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He even sent me a photo of his manhood saying he hoped it would make me smile.  

He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

He didn’t take the cue, when you failed to respond to his first sexual comment. He continues to push, disrespecting the boundary that you very subtly set, until he got what he wanted. Nice guy

Did you notice that the discussion centres on him - what he did, his marriage, his desire to sext with you. You are little more than a woman on the screen to him - there to offer sexual gratification. He asks how you are doing only because it’s socially appropriate and if he failed to put in at least some effort, it’s not likely that you would trust him or be interested enough to sext with him. 

You have his number now (metaphorically speaking) - time to block it!

Edited October 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It is the  whole Whore-Madonna idea.
His wife and mother of his children needs love and respect and to be treated like a lady.
His OW, he can treat like a whore to satisfy his baser instincts...

Wow. You know this is so right. I feel exactly like I have been MM's whore. I almost feel as though these MM just say they love you as a trap to keep the sex game going. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It is the  whole Whore-Madonna idea.
His wife and mother of his children needs love and respect and to be treated like a lady.
His OW, he can treat like a whore to satisfy his baser instincts...

These were my thoughts yesterday when he made the comment.  I felt like total trash.  

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

These were my thoughts yesterday when he made the comment.  I felt like total trash.  

But you aren't. Don't allow him to make you feel this way. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could be investing in yourself. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single decent men for a low-key coffee ☕.

It's interesting that you used the word relapse. Like he's a disease. 

My earlier posts discuss the luck I've had with dating apps. 
 

I used relapse because I see him as an addiction I was finally beginning to overcome and failed. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

But you aren't. Don't allow him to make you feel this way. 

Thank you.  I need to believe this.  
 

I used to be somewhat of a prude.  I ended up telling him that I never sexted or shared photos until him.  His responses were "dang, now I feel bad for asking you to do those things.  Men are visual creatures.  But damn I took you down a dark path."  I didn't respond.  I know if I responded, I would share too much and it would be out of hurt and anger.  
 

I'm responsible for myself, and I get that.  If I feel like trash, it's because of what I decided to do.  He made me feel so special and like I was the woman who mattered in his life, and I realize I was stupid for thinking/believing that - especially after we started communicating again and he told me he got married.  So I can't take my anger, hurt, and betrayal out on him.  I have to see why I allowed it to happen to me.  I have to remind myself that even though he knows I love him, he really doesn't love me.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 I ended up telling him that I never sexted or shared photos until him.  His responses were "dang, now I feel bad for asking you to do those things.  Men are visual creatures.  But damn I took you down a dark path."

I don't think he feels bad at all. 

He is probably mentally strutting around feeling like Da Man.This guy is just...squicky. 

 

[CUP OF TEA]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Thank you.  I need to believe this.  
 

I used to be somewhat of a prude.  I ended up telling him that I never sexted or shared photos until him.  His responses were "dang, now I feel bad for asking you to do those things.  Men are visual creatures.  But damn I took you down a dark path."  I didn't respond.  I know if I responded, I would share too much and it would be out of hurt and anger.  
 

I'm responsible for myself, and I get that.  If I feel like trash, it's because of what I decided to do.  He made me feel so special and like I was the woman who mattered in his life, and I realize I was stupid for thinking/believing that - especially after we started communicating again and he told me he got married.  So I can't take my anger, hurt, and betrayal out on him.  I have to see why I allowed it to happen to me.  I have to remind myself that even though he knows I love him, he really doesn't love me.  

You know he is probably sexting, getting nude pictures, from several other women. If he will lie to his wife who he took vows with, he'll certainly lie to you. Block and delete this guy. No Contact is the only road to healing and breaking the addiction to him.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I'm responsible for myself, and I get that.  If I feel like trash, it's because of what I decided to do.  He made me feel so special and like I was the woman who mattered in his life, and I realize I was stupid for thinking/believing that - especially after we started communicating again and he told me he got married.  So I can't take my anger, hurt, and betrayal out on him.  I have to see why I allowed it to happen to me.  I have to remind myself that even though he knows I love him, he really doesn't love me.  

Yes, you are responsible for yourself and you have some introspection to do to understand why you allowed yourself to be involved with a man that you don’t really know this way. The way you make this experience hurt a little less is to learn from it - don’t let this be for nothing, raise your bar when it comes to men and don’t trust blindly like this again. Also, find your own worth so that you are not seeking it from men who want little more than some nude pictures and naughty conversation. 

That said, he has some responsibility here. If he cared for you, he would have your best interest at heart and he would not ask you to do anything that was not in your best interest. He is not a good man, there is nothing here worth continuing, and you need to let go of your fantasy…

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, you are responsible for yourself and you have some introspection to do to understand why you allowed yourself to be involved with a man that you don’t really know this way. 

I thought I knew him.  We worked together for 5 years.  We kept our private lives private, so nobody at the office knew we were ever together.  

[CUP OF TEA]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I thought I knew him.  We worked together for 5 years.  We kept our private lives private, so nobody at the office knew we were ever together.  

Why would you want to be anyone's dirty little secret? Be with someone who is proud of you that will be seen with you in public.

[EleanorRigby2000]

15 minutes ago, CUP OF TEA said:

Why would you want to be anyone's dirty little secret? Be with someone who is proud of you that will be seen with you in public.

We didn't let people at the office know because it could have affected our jobs.  He was in management.  

[CUP OF TEA]

31 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

We didn't let people at the office know because it could have affected our jobs.  He was in management.  

But nobody else knows either right? Does he take you to dinner, hold hands with you in public, put you on his Facebook? Do his friends know about you? And the fact that you worked together was another lapse of judgement that could have gotten you both fired. All the best,, hope you get some self-respect and find a SINGLE man!