Bittersweetie Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: Now, my struggle is that I want to email him and tell him that he's a lying, cheating, manipulator. I want to tell him exactly how I feel. I will take ownership in what I'm responsible for, but I want him to hear that he's not the wonderful person so many people believe he is. He has so many bad qualities. I am glad that you are moving on the path of change and growth. As far as the above...yeah, I had A LOT I wanted to say to xAP in the aftermath of everything. What I would do is write him a letter and put it all on the page. Then after reading it, I'd rip it up and throw it away. I did this a bunch of times...the first letters were a couple of pages...then one page...then half a page...then a paragraph. Then I got to the point where it wasn't needed anymore, there was nothing I wanted to say. I found this exercise helpful because it got everything out yet I wasn't jeopardizing NC. I remember one time doing this in a coffee shop...after I wrote and ripped it all up I looked up to see a guy looking at me like I was crazy, LOL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 Eleanor, To add to your previous post about what he was giving you... you stated he did these nice things, but were you completely fulfilled? Did you have the relationship you actually wanted? What was he doing behind your back? On the surface, my ex husband was an amazing husband. Went over and beyond many times... but behind my back? What he did then, that did not make him a good man, that did not make him worthy of my adoration, and certainly not of my loyalty. It's easy to get caught up on focusing on the positives when you want so bad for something to work out, but it is important to see it for what it truly is. Checking in on you on a long solo drive is not indicative of true love on its own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: I have not thought about this. This is a very valid question. Holy smokes. It must have been another lie that he couldn't get away to see them. There was a time she traveled for work (pre-COVID), and he would see his son one night a week because his son was still a minor. But now, his son is an adult living on his own, and the MM should be able to see him whenever he wants. It could be true, she may in fact have said that… but if he does not see his children - it is not his wife’s fault that he does not see his children. Edited October 24, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 On 10/18/2021 at 8:33 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said: He cheated on first wife with this one and it broke up his family. Maybe his son, now he is grown up, does not want to see his father... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 10 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: Not to mention how he tells me she demands he do housework, she demands he not text anyone she doesn't know, she has to know everyone he texts if she sees him texting, she has zero motherly qualities and leaves him to fend for himself when he's hurt or sick, she makes him sleep in a separate room if he works late (he works from home), and so on. You have no clue if any of this is true, Eleanor. You have got to stop being so gullible. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 12 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: how he tells me she demands he do housework, she demands he not text anyone she doesn't know, she has to know everyone he texts if she sees him texting, she has zero motherly qualities and leaves him to fend for himself when he's hurt or sick, she makes him sleep in a separate room if he works late (he works from home), and so on If true, that sounds like she is punishing hi for something, and she doesn't trust him. I guess she found him cheating at one point... There are two sides to every story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 15 minutes ago, elaine567 said: If true, that sounds like she is punishing hi for something, and she doesn't trust him.I guess she found him cheating at one point... Very likely, yes. Eleanor, it's also important you understand you are very likely not the only woman he's messed around with during this marriage. I don't buy for a moment that his wife's distrust is totally unfounded (outside of his fling with you) He almost certainly has other women he's talked to, or is currently talking to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 And elaine’s point about his adult children walking away from this relationship has merit. He blames their lack of relationship on his wife, but it’s very possible that his adult children have had enough of his song and dance and distanced themselves from this man, his unhappy marriages, his affairs. You just don’t know what’s happening in that home but you really shouldn’t believe a word he says when what you know about him is that he lies when it’s convenient for him to do so… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 25, 2021 Author Share Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You have no clue if any of this is true, Eleanor. You have got to stop being so gullible. When he and I worked together, he would make the same comments to others in the office. As for the sleeping in another room, I believe that because he has contacted me in the evenings from another room. I can tell from photos he sent it's a spare bedroom. Edited October 25, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 46 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: As for the sleeping in another room, I believe that because he has contacted me in the evenings from another room. I can tell from photos he sent it's a spare bedroom. ... and. That is no proof of anything, other than he is hiding away in the spare room to talk to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: ... and. That is no proof of anything, other than he is hiding away in the spare room to talk to you. And there could be a host of all sorts of reasons why he might sleep in the spare room that may have not to do with the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: And there could be a host of all sorts of reasons why he might sleep in the spare room that may have not to do with the marriage. Number one I guess would be snoring. Snoring is just sooo sexy... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Number one I guess would be snoring. Snoring is just sooo sexy... I have a few friends who sleep in different rooms because of their husband's snoring. Also, I know a few Cases where they have opposite sleep schedules due to work. All are happily married couples from what can be seen from the outside anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: When he and I worked together, he would make the same comments to others in the office. This is my point - just because he says it, does not make it completely true. He is not an honest person. You would be wise to stop believing everything he says. And as the others pointed out, sleeping in separate rooms does not mean they don't have sex or always sleep apart. You are way too easily led, Eleanor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Share Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) So many comments here made me think about how the guy really sees me. It sucks and it hurts. I had convinced myself that everything I felt for him was reciprocated in every way. I understand now that I was never anything to him and nothing was reciprocated. I'm only a person he could use when he wanted to pleasure himself. He doesn't respect me. He lied about caring about me, always respecting me, and missing me. I have tried NC in the past only to fail because I would get curious and want to know if he was thinking about me and wanting to reach out. I have decided to force myself to have willpower and move on without blocking his number. He had been reaching out every day during the week for the past two months. I talked to him Friday but didn't reply much. When I did reply I was short. He didn't reach out Monday. Yesterday he reached out telling me he was sorry for not contacting Monday but he was busy. I replied with a short response wishing him well. He reached out more and I deleted every message without replying. I have not heard from him today. If I do I will delete and not reply again. My focus is on me. I need to heal me and make sure I never allow anyone to use me again. I am working on forgiving myself for all I did with him. I am having to capture my negative thoughts because I am still feeling cheap and trashy. I know I can move on and I will. I would rather be single forever than someone's whore in a whore-Madonna situation. Edited October 27, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: So many comments here made me think about how the guy really sees me. It sucks and it hurts. I had convinced myself that everything I felt for him was reciprocated in every way. I understand now that I was never anything to him and nothing was reciprocated. I'm only a person he could use when he wanted to pleasure himself. He doesn't respect me. He lied about caring about me, always respecting me, and missing me. I have tried NC in the past only to fail because I would get curious and want to know if he was thinking about me and wanting to reach out. I have decided to force myself to have willpower and move on without blocking his number. He had been reaching out every day during the week for the past two months. I talked to him Friday but didn't reply much. When I did reply I was short. He didn't reach out Monday. Yesterday he reached out telling me he was sorry for not contacting Monday but he was busy. I replied with a short response wishing him well. He reached out more and I deleted every message without replying. I have not heard from him today. If I do I will delete and not reply again. My focus is on me. I need to heal me and make sure I never allow anyone to use me again. I am working on forgiving myself for all I did with him. I am having to capture my negative thoughts because I am still feeling cheap and trashy. I know I can move on and I will. I would rather be single forever than someone's whore in a whore-Madonna situation. The only reasons OW don’t block the MM is to keep hope alive. 1- ego; he still wants to talk to me even when I don’t initiate! 2- fear: what if he messages me that he’s finally leaving his wife and I miss it?? OP: if you really want to rid yourself of this guy permanently, block him. You will be better off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Share Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: The only reasons OW don’t block the MM is to keep hope alive. 1- ego; he still wants to talk to me even when I don’t initiate! 2- fear: what if he messages me that he’s finally leaving his wife and I miss it?? OP: if you really want to rid yourself of this guy permanently, block him. You will be better off. Actually, that's putting all OW in two boxes and I don't think every OW will fit in only two boxes. I can say it is not true in my case. I don't care whether or not he still wants to talk to me. In fact, I'm sure he will want to talk to me when he gets horny. I won't respond because I don't want to talk to him. Also, I have rarely ever initiated any messages the entire time I've known him. I'm not going to initiate now. I am getting to the point that I don't care whether he leaves his wife or not. That's between them and not my business. I simply have to prove to myself that I can ignore him. I am competitive and I hate to lose. This time I am being competitive with myself. Edited October 27, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 It is important that you realize that this is a character flaw of his. This is not an indication of who you are. How he treats you does not mean you are not worthy. Just that he is not worthy of the love and adoration you give him. Do.Not.Forget.This. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: I don't care whether or not he still wants to talk to me. I won't respond because I don't want to talk to him. This is your way of taking back control. In a way, you are punishing him. You know he’s going to reach out and you want the satisfaction of offering him the cold shoulder. Quote I replied with a short response wishing him well. If you didn’t need the affirmation of dismissing him when he contacts you, you would block him. Edited October 27, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Share Posted October 27, 2021 34 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: It is important that you realize that this is a character flaw of his. This is not an indication of who you are. How he treats you does not mean you are not worthy. Just that he is not worthy of the love and adoration you give him. Do.Not.Forget.This. Thank you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 27, 2021 Author Share Posted October 27, 2021 35 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This is your way of taking back control. In a way, you are punishing him. You know he’s going to reach out and you want the satisfaction of offering him the cold shoulder. I haven't thought of it this way, but you are correct. I do feel like I have given him control over me, and I am not allowing it anymore. I am the only one in control of myself. He was reaching out as I was typing this reply. Seeing his name ticked me off. I NEED to be ticked off when I see his name. I NEED to be mad at the way he treated me and mad at myself for allowing it. If my response (that you quoted) came off as angry it's because his name popped up as I was typing and I went from calm to ticked/annoyed quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 It sounds like in this "need" to be angry with him you are using a psychological defense mechanism to avoid potential "distress" e.g. from breakup blues or similar or to avoid getting reeled back in. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but you might as well become aware of it. He is who he is, you are who you are. You had your "thing" together and now you're ending it. Nothing wrong with any of that insofar as it's normal since the vast majority of relationships (all relationships, not just affairs or non-affairs) end rather than turning into lifelong ones. Feeling angry isn't necessarily bad either, just that it's perhaps unnecessary in reality. "Healthy people normally use different defense mechanisms throughout life. A defense mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behaviour such that the physical or mental health of the individual is adversely affected." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism Link to post Share on other sites
Author EleanorRigby2000 Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 47 minutes ago, mark clemson said: It sounds like in this "need" to be angry with him you are using a psychological defense mechanism to avoid potential "distress" e.g. from breakup blues or similar or to avoid getting reeled back in. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but you might as well become aware of it. He is who he is, you are who you are. You had your "thing" together and now you're ending it. Nothing wrong with any of that insofar as it's normal since the vast majority of relationships (all relationships, not just affairs or non-affairs) end rather than turning into lifelong ones. Feeling angry isn't necessarily bad either, just that it's perhaps unnecessary in reality. It's rare for me to get angry. Very few people, who are not immediate family, have ever seen me or known of me to be angry because it's just not an emotion I tend to have. That may sound crazy to some, I don't know. When I went NC last time, it obviously wasn't permanent. I unblocked him about a year after I blocked him thinking he was in my past forever. I didn't keep his number, but he kept mine because he reached out. I never got angry last time. I tried but I couldn't. I blamed myself, I thought I was the problem, etc. This time, once he reached out things were going well. Then I learned he was married. I should have been mad and left the situation then. I didn't. I'm thinking (hoping) that allowing myself to get angry is what I need to never look back. My therapist said anger is healthy as long as I don't act upon it and cause any harm, which I won't. When his texts came in today, I deleted them. Didn't even want to see what he had to say. It felt good to ignore him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 36 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said: I unblocked him about a year after I blocked him thinking he was in my past forever. Gently, this makes no sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Gently, this makes no sense. It makes sense as per your statement above, she was hoping that he would contact her again with good news… Link to post Share on other sites
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