Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

Gently, this makes no sense.

You're right.  I went through my phone and unblocked every number I had ever blocked.  It was part of a healing process to stop avoiding conflict or hard discussions.  I unblocked MM and thought he would never contact me again anyway.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It makes sense as per your statement above, she was hoping that he would contact her again with good news…

Incorrect assumption. See my response to RebeccaR.  I was not hoping he would contact me again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

  I went through my phone and unblocked every number I had ever blocked.  It was part of a healing process to stop avoiding conflict or hard discussions.  I unblocked MM and thought he would never contact me again anyway.  

That also doesn't make any sense. Reads a lot more like opening up old avenues for contact, if we're being real here. But anyway, how did that work out for you? 

It didn't. Wound you right back up in the same mess. Block him again. He's playing you like a dang fiddle. 

[Agentra]

You're only lying to yourself.. Respect yourself and your boundaries. Block him and love on you for once.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 I was not hoping he would contact me again. 

Yes you are.
Why don't you tell him in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you.
You are getting a buzz out of the messages, it feeds your ego and by "punishing" him it makes you feel good.
BUT all this just keeps you stuck.
How is your ego going to feel when he stops contacting you and your anger has nowhere to go?
"OMG he doesn't want me any more... he is really done with me now, it is really finished"
It will be a lonely place...


 

[BaileyB]

^^^ Exactly, it feels good this week when he’s still reaching out. But next week, when he gets tired of the cold shoulder and he stops reaching out, how is that going to feel? 

You are playing games here - I’m going to unblock and see what happens, I’m going to let him message and I’m not going to reply… No need to do that. Just keep your dignity, block the man and move on with your life…

[EleanorRigby2000]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Why can’t you simply block him again?

I would! No need to communicate with him. It feeds HIS ego. It disappoints you.

I decided to block him again last night.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

did you learn how to quit avoiding conflict after you unblocked him?

if so - block him again.

if not - block him again.

Practice on someone less risky. Or just write a letter and send it to his wife - that would help you grow and learn. It would also stop his calls.

I blocked him again last night - and for the exact reason you posted (and I just saw your post). He is too risky and there is nothing positive that could come from ever communicating with him again. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes you are.
Why don't you tell him in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you.
You are getting a buzz out of the messages, it feeds your ego and by "punishing" him it makes you feel good.
BUT all this just keeps you stuck.
How is your ego going to feel when he stops contacting you and your anger has nowhere to go?
"OMG he doesn't want me any more... he is really done with me now, it is really finished"
It will be a lonely place...


 

Thank you for trying to tell me what I think and what I want.  You're assumption and judgment about me is incorrect.  But it doesn't matter, I don't owe anyone an explanation.  I came here to vent and hear suggestions.  Not to be told how I feel, what I want, and what I am thinking.  
 

I hope you don't allow others to tell you what you think and say you're wrong when you guys don't agree.  That's not healthy for you.  

Edited October 28, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[EleanorRigby2000]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That also doesn't make any sense. Reads a lot more like opening up old avenues for contact, if we're being real here. But anyway, how did that work out for you? 

It didn't. Wound you right back up in the same mess. Block him again. He's playing you like a dang fiddle. 

It worked well for a couple of others I unblocked.  I was able to have deep conversations.  One person and I decided we were friends for a season in our lives, and wished each other well in life.  It felt liberating to stand up for myself to this one particular person. *Not talking about MM here at all.  

Edited October 28, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[mark clemson]

^^ speaking generally, when others try to "read into" behavior, sometimes they will be right and sometimes they will be wrong. Very important to remember. Everyone's a little bit different and people may do things that "don't make sense" to others for reasons that those others might not be thinking of because it's simply not how they would approach things. If you felt that unblocking everyone was a "healing experience" that's perhaps rather unusual, but - well, you are uniquely you.

Edited October 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[EleanorRigby2000]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ speaking generally, when others try to "read into" behavior, sometimes they will be right and sometimes they will be wrong. Very important to remember. Everyone's a little bit different and people may do things that "don't make sense" to others for reasons that those others might not be thinking of because it's simply not how they would approach things. If you felt that unblocking everyone was a "healing experience" that's perhaps rather unusual, but - well, you are uniquely you.

Thank you! I appreciate your responses.  You sound like you're a professional therapist/counselor, or someone who has simply studied the id/ego/superego.  
 

Your post is exactly right.  I spent three years with a therapist and have books and worksheets from that experience.  I pulled out the stuff I had put away so I can make sure I approach this in a way that is healthy.  Everything I've done, from unblocking everyone and having tough conversations with some, to hearing from MM again has helped me. While I was able to maturely end friendships/acquaintances with some of those I unblocked, this guy didn't fall into that category.  I blocked this guy again. I was getting more angry with each text.  While getting angry is not wrong, I don't need to have those occasional reminders that will trigger anger.  I simply need to move on. 
 

Another thing my therapist helped me see was that people will try to tell me what I think and how I feel.  That isn't something I should listen to or believe because I am the only one who knows. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000

[mark clemson]

YW. FWIW I'm not a therapist or anything, just an intelligent layperson. I do think it's very valid to question people's motives, because sometimes that questioning is absolutely getting to the core of what's going on. However, people who are good at that sort of thing sometimes forget that their assessment is only ever a best guess/projection and so can be surprised when they inevitably sometimes get it wrong.

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

YW. FWIW I'm not a therapist or anything, just an intelligent layperson. I do think it's very valid to question people's motives, because sometimes that questioning is absolutely getting to the core of what's going on. However, people who are good at that sort of thing sometimes forget that their assessment is only ever a best guess/projection and so can be surprised when they inevitably sometimes get it wrong.

I agree.  I think it's also important to double check k wording when questioning motives.  It's one thing to ask if someone is wanting or hoping for a particular outcome.  It's completely different when one person tells the other that's not what they want or not what they think.  Like you mentioned earlier, we are all unique individuals and our actions and reactions may not make sense to others, and that's okay because they don't have to make sense to others.  
 

Now that I have blocked MM, I'm hoping he doesn't go through coworkers to contact me.  I'm still friends with a few people who work for him.  They never knew anything was going on between us. Or if they did know, it didn't get back to me.  

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I'm still friends with a few people who work for him.

Block them too.  It's not worth hanging on to his co-workers at the expense of your mental health.  Just block and lean on your own friends.

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Block them too.  It's not worth hanging on to his co-workers at the expense of your mental health.  Just block and lean on your own friends.

They are friends of mine, not his. He is only their boss.  

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

They are friends of mine, not his. He is only their boss.  

Well since it's only a few of them I'd still block them to preserve your mental health.  You don't need to hear or know anything about him that might trigger you.  I've cut friends off for a while myself in order to move on from a problem.  I've never regretted it.  Hard choices take hard measures.

[Myabee]

On 10/27/2021 at 10:33 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

You're right.  I went through my phone and unblocked every number I had ever blocked.  It was part of a healing process to stop avoiding conflict or hard discussions.  I unblocked MM and thought he would never contact me again anyway.  

Unblocking is never a good idea I have found out the hard way on several occasions now. I now think he has become a habit, an addiction. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Unblocking is never a good idea I have found out the hard way on several occasions now. I now think he has become a habit, an addiction. 

If you're talking about me, you replied before you read the rest of the posts/responses.  If you're talking about you, just block cold Turkey.  It's doable.  

[spiderowl]

Of course, if you did remain in touch with him and stuck to the role of friend, you would not be flirting, sexting or sending him pics. I suspect he would lose interest pretty fast if you kept the relationship totally platonic. He relies on these little ‘frissons’ to brighten up his day.

However, blocking him is far better as it gives you chance to move on,

[Myabee]

9 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

If you're talking about me, you replied before you read the rest of the posts/responses.  If you're talking about you, just block cold Turkey.  It's doable.  

You're telling me it's doable when you can't even do it? You're doing exactly what I've been doing unblocking and re blocking! For both of us that's counter productive. 😳

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

You're telling me it's doable when you can't even do it? You're doing exactly what I've been doing unblocking and re blocking! For both of us that's counter productive. 😳

If you look at the last page or two in this thread, you will see I have blocked him. So yes, I'm saying it's doable because I blocked him and don't care to ever communicate again. 

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

If you look at the last page or two in this thread, you will see I have blocked him. So yes, I'm saying it's doable because I blocked him and don't care to ever communicate again. 

Well keep that up then. If you feel that in your heart you can move on by all means do. Good luck. xx

[EleanorRigby2000]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

Well keep that up then. If you feel that in your heart you can move on by all means do. Good luck. xx

Thank you.  Best of luck to you too.  Life is too short for us to believe the lies we have been told.  Remember if someone will cheat with us, they will cheat on us.  We deserve better as does the BS.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

It's been about 6 weeks since my last post.  I had remained strong, have been spending time with friends and moving on.  
 

Then, tonight the guy came over.  I'm still in shock.  He has a different vehicle, so I didn't recognize the car when he arrived.  It was also dark out, so I couldn't tell who was in the car.  I answered my door and there he stood.  He did come inside and stayed a few minutes.  He said he missed me. He also said he was in the area (we live 30 minutes apart), and I won't reply to his texts or emails so he stopped by.  He then hugged me and gave me a kiss.  He tried to make small talk then gave me another hug and kiss and walked out the door.  I hugged him when he hugged me, but the kisses were unexpected.  They weren't passionate kisses but still kisses.  Before he left he asked me why I was so nervous and shaking.  I was so confused, surprised, and shocked I didn't know what to say and told him I was fine but cold.  
 

I feel like I this will cause me to go back to square one with him.  Feelings came flooding back when he hugged me and especially when he kissed me.  How do I move forward now?  I think once the shock wears off I may think more clearly.  I am open to any advice and wanted to share this story with someone, and you guys are the only ones I "talk" to about him.  I cannot believe he came to my house.