Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[basil67]

OMG, what a sleaze he is!

I suggest you take a second look at what happened:   You had blocked him, so he knew his approaches weren't wanted, yet he approached you anyway.   He kissed you, knowing that you wanted no contact with him.   He asked you, a person who has blocked him, why you were confused and nervous.   

He's selfish, selfish, selfish without a single ounce of respect for the boundaries you set in place.  Is this really the kind of man you want?   My skin is crawling just reading what he did. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 I didn't recognize the car when he arrived.  It was also dark out, so I couldn't tell who was in the car.  I answered my door and there he stood. .  

Sorry this happened. Can you get an home security system with door cameras?

If he trespasses or stalks again get a restraining order against him.

Most of all, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Don't answer your door in the dark if vehicles and men show up. Why didn't he call first? What a creepy thing to do.

[jah526]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

OMG, what a sleaze he is!

I suggest you take a second look at what happened:   You had blocked him, so he knew his approaches weren't wanted, yet he approached you anyway.   He kissed you, knowing that you wanted no contact with him.   He asked you, a person who has blocked him, why you were confused and nervous.   

He's selfish, selfish, selfish without a single ounce of respect for the boundaries you set in place.  Is this really the kind of man you want?   My skin is crawling just reading what he did. 

 

Yep, I am dealing with this currently with a couple of people. If others don’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you, end of story. I’m learning about setting and enforcing boundaries late in life, and consequences for not respecting them. 
 

What has helped me is to “flip the script” and ask what would *I* do in this situation? If someone had blocked me, would I drive over to their house in a different car so they wouldn’t recognize me, waltz in and pretend like nothing was wrong? I don’t think so. It takes a special kind of personality disordered person to pull that off. 
 

The other half to this is realizing there is something broken in *us* where we find this behavior flattering instead of infuriating.

[glows]

6 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 I think once the shock wears off I may think more clearly.  I am open to any advice and wanted to share this story with someone, and you guys are the only ones I "talk" to about him.  I cannot believe he came to my house.  

How deeply disturbing.. Yes, let the shock wear off. I second security cameras. Don’t open doors for any strangers or those you can’t clearly recognize. I’m guessing you might not have gotten the license plate of the car. 

The less importance you place on him the quicker this shock will wear off but do be more careful. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

40 minutes ago, jah526 said:

The other half to this is realizing there is something broken in *us* where we find this behavior flattering instead of infuriating.

At least I can say I didn't find it flattering.  I found it shocking.  It's not something I would have ever considered doing if the roles were flipped.  If it didn't happen, I would have thought something like this was unbelievable. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

How deeply disturbing.. Yes, let the shock wear off. I second security cameras. Don’t open doors for any strangers or those you can’t clearly recognize. I’m guessing you might not have gotten the license plate of the car. 

The less importance you place on him the quicker this shock will wear off but do be more careful. 

It was his personal car.  I made a comment about not knowing the car, and he told me he got it a couple of years ago.  I made sure I got a good look at it so I could recognize again. 
 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Sounds very much like he dropped by hoping to be able to restart the affair. Perhaps he saw that you appeared distressed and thought better of it.

It's possible (but unlikely) he dropped by for "closure" purposes, or that that's what he originally intended but then changed his mind. I'd say it's something like 90% likely that closure wasn't the intent, but it's always possible.

This is probably re-triggering a lot of emotions for you, quite understandably. Consider strongly reiterating to him that he not contact you, if that is what you want.

[Girl Fade Away]

53 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

It was his personal car.  I made a comment about not knowing the car, and he told me he got it a couple of years ago.  I made sure I got a good look at it so I could recognize again. 

First off, I'm sorry this happened and I am I glad nothing egregious happened (like a sexual assault) while he was there.  It's been known to happen. 

Stay strong! 

Secondly, allowing unwelcome people into your home is NOT safe.  I am going to assume you do not have a peephole that you can look through to see who it is first before opening the door?  

Every house or apartment  I have lived in has one and I always take a look through when anyone comes to my door.  Friend, boyfriends, family, delivery drivers, etc.

ANYONE knocks on my door, I am going to take a quick look though the little peephole and if not familiar OR welcome , I am not letting them in!

Peepholes are a must have, so if I may offer a suggestion, look into having one installed, they are NOT expensive and simple to install.

Something else to consider.  $49.95.

Door Viewer / Door Scope model DS238 is an extraordinary high tech optical device that virtually replaces the conventional peep hole. When mounting this unit on any door, you will have a clear view of the outside even if standing six feet away from your door. Featuring an ultra-wide viewing angle, the Door Scope DS238 leaves absolutely zero dead zone for unwanted guests or intruders to conceal themselves.

All the best moving forward!

 

 

[EleanorRigby2000]

31 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

First off, I'm sorry this happened and I am I glad nothing egregious happened (like a sexual assault) while he was there.  It's been known to happen. 

Stay strong! 

Secondly, allowing unwelcome people into your home is NOT safe.  I am going to assume you do not have a peephole that you can look through to see who it is first before opening the door?  

Every house or apartment  I have lived in has one and I always take a look through when anyone comes to my door.  Friend, boyfriends, family, delivery drivers, etc.

ANYONE knocks on my door, I am going to take a quick look though the little peephole and if not familiar OR welcome , I am not letting them in!

Peepholes are a must have, so if I may offer a suggestion, look into having one installed, they are NOT expensive and simple to install.

Something else to consider.  $49.95.

Door Viewer / Door Scope model DS238 is an extraordinary high tech optical device that virtually replaces the conventional peep hole. When mounting this unit on any door, you will have a clear view of the outside even if standing six feet away from your door. Featuring an ultra-wide viewing angle, the Door Scope DS238 leaves absolutely zero dead zone for unwanted guests or intruders to conceal themselves.

All the best moving forward!

 

 

Thank you for this information.  

I rent my house.  My front door does not have a peephole.  There is a window next to the door. The window has blinds, but he would easily see if I had opened the blinds. I will ask my landlord if he will install a peephole.  I have thought about that in the past because I often open my door when someone knocks or rings my doorbell.  I guess I am too trusting. 

[Crazelnut]

Agree with everyone here who commented on how disrespectful this was! Your requests and boundaries mean far less to him than his own selfish desires.

[EleanorRigby2000]

39 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. Sounds very much like he dropped by hoping to be able to restart the affair. Perhaps he saw that you appeared distressed and thought better of it.

It's possible (but unlikely) he dropped by for "closure" purposes, or that that's what he originally intended but then changed his mind. I'd say it's something like 90% likely that closure wasn't the intent, but it's always possible.

This is probably re-triggering a lot of emotions for you, quite understandably. Consider strongly reiterating to him that he not contact you, if that is what you want.

I believe you're right.  He told me he couldn't stay long, but he wish he could so we could be together.  I knew what he meant by that.  I nervous laughed when he said that, and he asked why I was laughing.  I told him I didn't know.  

Ever since I blocked him, I had played scenarios over in my head about things I would do or say if I ever saw him again.  I thought I would let him know exactly what I thought about him (all the bad things).  I thought I would be strong enough to tell him he is to never reach out to me or look my way again.  All of those scenarios in my head were just fantasy because I did nothing like I thought I would.  I just fidgeted, and I don't even know what my facial expressions were.

I'm not near as strong as I thought I was, and I'm not anywhere near over him like I thought I was.   

[mark clemson]

^^ yes, when one is emotionally wrapped up in someone it often takes longer to recover than we'd like/is convenient, unfortunately. NC is often the way to go. Hopefully, this will be only a minor blip in your continued emotional recovery/NC.  Consider trying your best to focus on/get wrapped up in other things and continuing to move on.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I rent my house.   I will ask my landlord if he will install a peephole. 

 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I feel like I this will cause me to go back to square one with him.  Feelings came flooding back when he hugged me and especially when he kissed me.  How do I move forward now?

The invasion of your privacy and lack of respect for your wishes is really disturbing, as others have said.

If a man that I had ended contact with came to my home without my consent and had the audacity to hug and kiss me, he would have received a knee to the groin. This would have reassured me that I made the right decision when I ended contact with this man. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, jah526 said:

The other half to this is realizing there is something broken in *us* where we find this behavior flattering instead of infuriating.

So you just blindly open your front door to whomever knocks at night without saying "who is it?"  Sorry Eleanor but your actions did not tell him you were upset by him ignoring your rules and crossing your boundaries.  Upset would have been closing the front door in his face and pushing him away when he came to hug or kiss you not to give in to it.  I do believe you were shocked and flattered that he came by your house.  It made you feel that he's been thinking about you and missing you.

[Girl Fade Away]

I live bicoastal at the moment.  My apt in one city has a large bolt on my door AND a peephole.  Both were there when I moved it and I feel very safe there!

I would suggest asking your landlord about both for general safety purposes.

Having said that and reading your last post, I think it's important to be emotionally honest with yourself.  In this case, meaning on some unconscious or even conscious level you wanted to see and talk to him, that is why you allowed him inside. Which is OK, you're human and you still love him.

As Sigmund Freud said:  Nothing Comes "Out of the Blue": Freud discovered that there are no accidents and no coincidences. Even "random-seeming" feelings, ideas, impulses, wishes, events and actions carry important, often unconscious, meanings. 

It will take time but take steps to help yourself.  Which means going forward do not allow this man access to you in any way shape or form.  Assuming you are serious about moving on.

I wish you lots of luck.  I have never had a relationship with a married man (and frankly wouldn't) BUT I have had toxic relationships, been stalked, harassed, the whole nine.  And I thought I still loved him at the time too, it can be very difficult extricating yourself away, it takes A LOT of strength and courage.

But it's also empowering.

Make a promise to do that for yourself, okay?   Be kinder to yourself, treat yourself with the love and respect you would treat someone you loved.  Learn to love yourself first.  💛

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Upset would have been closing the front door in his face and pushing him away when he came to hug or kiss you not to give in to it.  I do believe you were shocked and flattered that he came by your house.  It made you feel that he's been thinking about you and missing you.

100% agree with this.

[elaine567]

I wouldn't be surprised that the visit went as planned. 
He gave you with his hugs and kisses a taster and left you wanting more.
Had he made  a huge play for you or begged or pleaded, then it would have been easier to chuck him out and dismiss him.
As it is, you are left with the feeling of those big comfortable hugs and tantalising kisses that stirred your emotions and left you longing for him. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

41 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you just blindly open your front door to whomever knocks at night without saying "who is it?"  Sorry Eleanor but your actions did not tell him you were upset by him ignoring your rules and crossing your boundaries.  Upset would have been closing the front door in his face and pushing him away when he came to hug or kiss you not to give in to it.  I do believe you were shocked and flattered that he came by your house.  It made you feel that he's been thinking about you and missing you.

Honestly, yes I blindly open my door.  Usually it's just someone going door-to-door for a political campaign, or someone asking if I need a lawn service/gutter cleaning, etc.  I am close to 50, and I have always opened my door if I'm home (and not on a call, sleeping, etc).  
 

If a friend had this happen, I would ask her why she didn't close the door.  If you want to know why I didn't, it's because I was shocked.  My body was numb.  I was not able to even think that quickly (to shut door) when I saw him standing there.  It's hard to explain the State of mind I was in when I saw him.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

41 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:conscious level you wanted to see and talk to him, that is why you allowed him inside. Which is OK, you're human and you still love him.

As Sigmund Freud said:  Nothing Comes "Out of the Blue": Freud discovered that there are no accidents and no coincidences. Even "random-seeming" feelings, ideas, impulses, wishes, events and actions carry important, often unconscious, meanings. 

It will take time but take steps to help yourself.  Which means going forward do not allow this man access to you in any way shape or form.  Assuming you are serious about moving on.

I wish you lots of luck.  I have never had a relationship with a married man (and frankly wouldn't) BUT I have had toxic relationships, been stalked, harassed, the whole nine.  And I thought I still loved him at the time too, it can be very difficult extricating yourself away, it takes A LOT of strength and courage.

But it's also empowering.

Make a promise to do that for yourself, okay?   Be kinder to yourself, treat yourself with the love and respect you would treat someone you loved.  Learn to love yourself first.  💛

 

I always said I would never have a relationship with a married man.  Then I learned the guy I was involved with was married.  But all of that is mentioned in the early posts in this thread.  🙂

Seeing him made me realize how much I do still care about him and that I even miss him.  It stinks.  Thank you for being kind with your words.  I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.  I'm trying to truly love me and not think badly about myself.  

[EleanorRigby2000]

31 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I wouldn't be surprised that the visit went as planned. 
He gave you with his hugs and kisses a taster and left you wanting more.
Had he made  a huge play for you or begged or pleaded, then it would have been easier to chuck him out and dismiss him.
As it is, you are left with the feeling of those big comfortable hugs and tantalising kisses that stirred your emotions and left you longing for him. 

You're exactly right.  

[Girl Fade Away]

17 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I always said I would never have a relationship with a married man.  Then I learned the guy I was involved with was married.  But all of that is mentioned in the early posts in this thread.  🙂

Seeing him made me realize how much I do still care about him and that I even miss him.  It stinks.  Thank you for being kind with your words.  I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.  I'm trying to truly love me and not think badly about myself.  

Eleanor, I read the earlier posts and understand you were already involved when you discovered he was married.  You were already entangled.

I did experience the same (or similar), however after a few dates when I discovered he was married, something happened.   I lost respect for him.  Just like that, my respect for him was gone.  At the time, I was not sure why even.  All I knew is that the man is married, he's cheating on his wife, heavily pursuing me, and I lost respect, I was actually repulsed!  This happened many years ago, but I am remembering the feeling now like it happened yesterday.

In retrospect, I think my loss of respect and repulsion was due to my level of self-esteem and loving myself.  And the level of integrity I uphold myself and others to.  

So my personal prayer for you now is learn to love YOU.   Get rid of those old toxic feelings of unworthiness or feeling badly about yourself.  Wonderful things will happen and lots of doors will open once you begin loving yourself.  You will make better choices, meet and become involved with better men.  Your life in general will become much happier, I can almost guarantee it!

If you need to seek a reputable counselor to help you sort through this, that's okay, therapy gets a really bad rap sometimes, but I have personally found it extremely helpful!

All the best and happy holidays!

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.

Be mad at him for that drive-by stunt untended to control things and stir up drama. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Eleanor, I read the earlier posts and understand you were already involved when you discovered he was married.  You were already entangled.

I did experience the same (or similar), however after a few dates when I discovered he was married, something happened.   I lost respect for him.  Just like that, my respect for him was gone.  At the time, I was not sure why even.  All I knew is that the man is married, he's cheating on his wife, heavily pursuing me, and I lost respect, I was actually repulsed!  This happened many years ago, but I am remembering the feeling now like it happened yesterday.

In retrospect, I think my loss of respect and repulsion was due to my level of self-esteem and loving myself.  And the level of integrity I uphold myself and others to.  

So my personal prayer for you now is learn to love YOU.   Get rid of those old toxic feelings of unworthiness or feeling badly about yourself.  Wonderful things will happen and lots of doors will open once you begin loving yourself.  You will make better choices, meet and become involved with better men.  Your life in general will become much happier, I can almost guarantee it!

If you need to seek a reputable counselor to help you sort through this, that's okay, therapy gets a really bad rap sometimes, but I have personally found it extremely helpful!

All the best and happy holidays!

 

Thank you!  I have struggled with depression and self-esteem issues a lot.  I have been in therapy and then stopped.  Covid really isolated me too.  I'm not trying to make excuses.  Just mentioning some of the factors.  My self-esteem, self-confidence, and love of self have a lot of room for improvement.  
 

Happy holidays to you too.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

You're exactly right.  

And that is really sad because his behavior really crossed the line.