Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[Girl Fade Away]

17 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I always said I would never have a relationship with a married man.  Then I learned the guy I was involved with was married.  But all of that is mentioned in the early posts in this thread.  🙂

Seeing him made me realize how much I do still care about him and that I even miss him.  It stinks.  Thank you for being kind with your words.  I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.  I'm trying to truly love me and not think badly about myself.  

Eleanor, I read the earlier posts and understand you were already involved when you discovered he was married.  You were already entangled.

I did experience the same (or similar), however after a few dates when I discovered he was married, something happened.   I lost respect for him.  Just like that, my respect for him was gone.  At the time, I was not sure why even.  All I knew is that the man is married, he's cheating on his wife, heavily pursuing me, and I lost respect, I was actually repulsed!  This happened many years ago, but I am remembering the feeling now like it happened yesterday.

In retrospect, I think my loss of respect and repulsion was due to my level of self-esteem and loving myself.  And the level of integrity I uphold myself and others to.  

So my personal prayer for you now is learn to love YOU.   Get rid of those old toxic feelings of unworthiness or feeling badly about yourself.  Wonderful things will happen and lots of doors will open once you begin loving yourself.  You will make better choices, meet and become involved with better men.  Your life in general will become much happier, I can almost guarantee it!

If you need to seek a reputable counselor to help you sort through this, that's okay, therapy gets a really bad rap sometimes, but I have personally found it extremely helpful!

All the best and happy holidays!

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.

Be mad at him for that drive-by stunt untended to control things and stir up drama. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Eleanor, I read the earlier posts and understand you were already involved when you discovered he was married.  You were already entangled.

I did experience the same (or similar), however after a few dates when I discovered he was married, something happened.   I lost respect for him.  Just like that, my respect for him was gone.  At the time, I was not sure why even.  All I knew is that the man is married, he's cheating on his wife, heavily pursuing me, and I lost respect, I was actually repulsed!  This happened many years ago, but I am remembering the feeling now like it happened yesterday.

In retrospect, I think my loss of respect and repulsion was due to my level of self-esteem and loving myself.  And the level of integrity I uphold myself and others to.  

So my personal prayer for you now is learn to love YOU.   Get rid of those old toxic feelings of unworthiness or feeling badly about yourself.  Wonderful things will happen and lots of doors will open once you begin loving yourself.  You will make better choices, meet and become involved with better men.  Your life in general will become much happier, I can almost guarantee it!

If you need to seek a reputable counselor to help you sort through this, that's okay, therapy gets a really bad rap sometimes, but I have personally found it extremely helpful!

All the best and happy holidays!

 

Thank you!  I have struggled with depression and self-esteem issues a lot.  I have been in therapy and then stopped.  Covid really isolated me too.  I'm not trying to make excuses.  Just mentioning some of the factors.  My self-esteem, self-confidence, and love of self have a lot of room for improvement.  
 

Happy holidays to you too.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

You're exactly right.  

And that is really sad because his behavior really crossed the line. 

[S2B]

10 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

I always said I would never have a relationship with a married man.  Then I learned the guy I was involved with was married.  But all of that is mentioned in the early posts in this thread.  🙂

Seeing him made me realize how much I do still care about him and that I even miss him.  It stinks.  Thank you for being kind with your words.  I'm flip-flopping between being kind to myself and being mad at myself.  I'm trying to truly love me and not think badly about myself.  

But did he tell you his divorce is final?

I mean, really… since he’s not divorced - the ONLY thing he stopped for is more free sex outside his marriage.

seriously, he’s just good at using you.

stop allowing it. Get professional help to be stronger!

and don’t open the door! Especially if no one is expected at your place! It was completely rude and disrespectful that he just dropped by!

you’d think he would get the message that when he was Blocked - that meant he should stay away. But no, he just disrespected you even further.

[stillafool]

On 12/16/2021 at 1:59 AM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

 It was also dark out, so I couldn't tell who was in the car.  I answered my door and there he stood.

 

17 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Honestly, yes I blindly open my door.  Usually it's just someone going door-to-door for a political campaign, or someone asking if I need a lawn service/gutter cleaning, etc.  I am close to 50, and I have always opened my door if I'm home (and not on a call, sleeping, etc).  

So you just blindly open the door to anyone at night?  I wasn't aware that people campaign door to door at night or seek gutter cleaning/lawn service jobs at night either.

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

So you just blindly open the door to anyone at night?  I wasn't aware that people campaign door to door at night or seek gutter cleaning/lawn service jobs at night either.

It gets dark at 5pm. People are allowed to go door-to-door until 8 or 9pm.  The guy stopped by at 6pm.  
 

Perhaps I should have said evening instead of night.  

[Bittersweetie]

After a scary experience when my husband was out of town in my twenties, I never answer my door. I just don't. It's better now that we have a security camera, but one does not have to answer the door when someone is there, just like one does not have answer the phone when it rings. 

There are probably security cameras that you can install to the outside of your door that would be less invasive than getting a peephole installed, and you could take these with you if you move. We have a set of cameras that connect to our wifi, and you can see the footage on your phone. It's very easy to use and I feel much safer, especially when my husband is traveling.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[glows]

16 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Thank you!  I have struggled with depression and self-esteem issues a lot.  I have been in therapy and then stopped.  Covid really isolated me too.  I'm not trying to make excuses.  Just mentioning some of the factors.  My self-esteem, self-confidence, and love of self have a lot of room for improvement.  
 

Happy holidays to you too.  

You're aware so that's a good start. Now that you know he's capable of something like this put security cameras at your door and around your property, more specifically your driveway even or where you know people stop or park. This was a brief mistake but it could have turned out very differently. Surround yourself with loving people you trust and enjoy the company of like your friends and family. Unwind and watch a good movie, do all the things you love to do and put this man behind you.

[EleanorRigby2000]

6 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

After a scary experience when my husband was out of town in my twenties, I never answer my door. I just don't. It's better now that we have a security camera, but one does not have to answer the door when someone is there, just like one does not have answer the phone when it rings. 

There are probably security cameras that you can install to the outside of your door that would be less invasive than getting a peephole installed, and you could take these with you if you move. We have a set of cameras that connect to our wifi, and you can see the footage on your phone. It's very easy to use and I feel much safer, especially when my husband is traveling.

Can you share the type of cameras you have?  I didn't know there were cameras available that didn't wire into the actual house.  If there's something I could get, and take with me if I move, then I will look into it.  

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

It gets dark at 5pm. People are allowed to go door-to-door until 8 or 9pm.  The guy stopped by at 6pm.  
 

Perhaps I should have said evening instead of night.  

I don’t think the clarification makes any difference. I don’t open the door to anyone when I’m not expecting them or my partner is not home. I don’t like people coming into my home when I’m alone. Get a camera if it makes you more comfortable - or just don’t answer the doer unless you know who it is standing at your door.

[Bittersweetie]

3 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Can you share the type of cameras you have?  I didn't know there were cameras available that didn't wire into the actual house.  If there's something I could get, and take with me if I move, then I will look into it.  

We have an Arlo camera system. You can buy the set and after setup (which is hanging them up outside, you need a drill) download the app to your phone. They connect to your wifi and each camera is rechargeable, so when the battery power gets low you take it down, plug it in for a bit, then put it back up. What my H liked about this system is that while the cameras aren't inexpensive, it's a one time cost (no monthly fees). We bought our set at Costco but it looks like the website is having a holiday sale. We live in a house and have three cameras outside, plus some glass break sensors inside. Just note this isn't a security system...the cameras or app don't call the police or anything and there's no sirens. It's just a camera system. I hope this helps and feel free to ask if you have more questions.

P.S. I know a lot of people have the Ring doorbells, I'm not sure how they work but could also be something to look into.

Edited December 18, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[S2B]

We have ring doorbell. You can see outside and even talk to that person even if you aren’t home.

inside the house we have several nest cameras that cover every entry point and even that back country area.

all are able to view instantly by the phone app…at any time.

there is never a reason to open the door.

makes me think you would open it anyway once you knew he was out there.

[Wiseman2]

In addition to deleting and blocking him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps, consider more definitive protection.

Get a restraining order. That way if his car is near your house you simply call the police and he'll be arrested.

He'll have fun explaining to his wife why she has to post bail.

You need to put snakes like this in their place. Stand up for yourself.

 

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a restraining order.

I was also thinking that. Certainly, if it happened again, that is exactly what I would tell him that I was going to do. He would get one warning - that’s all. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

I am now mad.  Furious even.  He has a new work phone number and contacted me today.  I replied (I know I shouldn't have). He told me about an illness a former coworker of mine is dealing with has flared up and doesn't look good.  He used that to get me to communicate.  I was stupid and fell for his trick to get me to respond because I used to be close to the coworker.  After that topic he made sexual comments.  I could tell he was trying to get me to sext him.  I didn't reply to any of his sexual comments.  When he noticed I wasn't going to reply he told me he is off work the rest of the year and wished me a merry Christmas and happy new year.  I told him merry Christmas and happy new year.  He replied saying he may tell the other "in house person" he has to work next week so he can contact me.  That made me even more mad than him using a new phone number to reach out.  
 

I almost told him if he contacts me again I will tell his wife.  At this point I do want his wife to know what a jerk he is but I can never tell her.  I know myself and would feel so bad ruining her holidays and her possibly ruining her marriage.  
 

I did let it get to far with him.  Earlier this year, when I learned he got married, I should have stopped all communication again then.  I didn't.  Instead I continued on and became a knowing participant in an affair.  I hate it.  And I hate it took this long for me to finally get angry with him.  
 

I cannot get a restraining order because he has not physically harmed me.  I looked into it.
 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by EleanorRigby2000
Spelling

[glows]

It seems to be a game for him. You responded but not entirely the way he wished as you did not sext or exchange those other sexual messages. Leave him hanging then and let go of this. It’s his loss. 

Take the high road and enjoy your holidays. 

 

[EleanorRigby2000]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems to be a game for him. You responded but not entirely the way he wished as you did not sext or exchange those other sexual messages. Leave him hanging then and let go of this. It’s his loss. 

Take the high road and enjoy your holidays. 

 

Thank you.  It is more clear than ever that this is a game.  He knows I care about him and love him.  He told me in the past he would never do anything to risk losing me as a friend or stop caring about me.  I see now those were lies. He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about a friendship.  He only cares about pleasuring himself without even thinking about how his actions can hurt his wife or even me.  He knows me well enough to know how to get me to respond (talking about coworker's illness) when his goal all along was to eventually get me to please him sexually.  
 

I am sure I will occasionally think about him over the holidays, but I wish I wouldn't.  I am so mad I don't know how to get rid of my anger.  It's too cold to run or even go for a walk.  

[glows]

3 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

Thank you.  It is more clear than ever that this is a game.  He knows I care about him and love him.  He told me in the past he would never do anything to risk losing me as a friend or stop caring about me.  I see now those were lies. He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about a friendship.  He only cares about pleasuring himself without even thinking about how his actions can hurt his wife or even me.  He knows me well enough to know how to get me to respond (talking about coworker's illness) when his goal all along was to eventually get me to please him sexually.  
 

I am sure I will occasionally think about him over the holidays, but I wish I wouldn't.  I am so mad I don't know how to get rid of my anger.  It's too cold to run or even go for a walk.  

And that’s how the world turns, usually on instant and self-gratification. He’s doing what pleases him and achieving that in the most convenient way. It’s not much different from you or I but the sad part is that he’s attached and married and his wife doesn’t know. He doesn’t have honesty, integrity or conscience. 

You can stay angry or you can be grateful also that your eyes are opened and it’s leading you to a better path away from all this. While he continues to live in an endless loop of deception you have the choice to live free of that.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He knows me well enough to know how to get me to respond (talking about coworker's illness) when his goal all along was to eventually get me to please him sexually.  

Eleanor do you not know any other coworker's you could have called about this sick coworker and avoided MM's call?  Just something to think about for next time.  There are ways to avoid him at every turn if you really want to.

[EleanorRigby2000]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Eleanor do you not know any other coworker's you could have called about this sick coworker and avoided MM's call?  Just something to think about for next time.  There are ways to avoid him at every turn if you really want to.

From now on I will check on the coworker more often myself.  That way if MM finds another way to contact me in the future and says it's about coworker, I can either tell him I am staying in touch with that person or I will just not respond (most likely the latter to prevent him from trying to keep communication going). 

[S2B]

He’s not going to stop trying! Take action! 

tell his wife now! SHE deserves to understand fully who she is married to.

stop “threatening” and do it. He doesn’t have any problem crossing your boundary - so let him k ow just how unacceptable his behavior is - and give him the consequence to his behavior.

that way he will be more likely to stop this manipulation with you. If not, file a restraining order and file it with your local  police dept.

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

From now on I will check on the coworker more often myself.  That way if MM finds another way to contact me in the future and says it's about coworker, I can either tell him I am staying in touch with that person or I will just not respond (most likely the latter to prevent him from trying to keep communication going). 

It’s better not to respond. He has no business knowing whom you contact in the company or outside of it.

Be careful of these small pieces of info that you may be dropping as it can be misconstrued. You’re giving him the impression that he is privy to anything in your life when he’s not. Work on those boundaries. It’ll pay off. 

[elaine567]

A MM often finds it difficult to find an OW, so once he has found one, it is not easy  to let her go.

Add to that the fact the OW is often "in love" or highly emotional with flimsy boundaries, then he will often try to push on through to get her back in his life.

The only solution really is hard NC, it works but it can be difficult to accomplish when intense feelings are involved.

[Crazelnut]

9 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

From now on I will check on the coworker more often myself.  That way if MM finds another way to contact me in the future and says it's about coworker, I can either tell him I am staying in touch with that person or I will just not respond (most likely the latter to prevent him from trying to keep communication going). 

No no no!! You need to go No Contact, but clearly don't understand what No Contact means. Every time you have ANY communication with him, you rib the scab off the emotional wound that is just starting to heal. 

If he finds another way to contact you, and he will, your beat response is to say, "I no longer wish to have any contact with you. Don't ever contact me again." Then BLOCK that method. Repeat ad nauseum. 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Crazelnut