Being an OW or being Single?

[AngelLove]

I was an single OW for 3 years . I know I was still not in real relationship However, I would still get part time companionship and sex. So it got me thinking if I had been 100% single for the last 3 years..meaning no sex and , no male attention/companion whatsoever would I have felt so alone and frustrated as I was with XMM ? I guess this applies to former single OW who hated being an OW as I did

[HadMeOverABarrel]

No, it's a much lonelier feeling to pine over someone you can't have then to simply be on your own. 

Consider all the wasted energy of twisting yourself in knots because you wonder what he's doing, how does he really feel about her, will he ever choose you or make you a priority, constant rejection and how that damages your self-esteem.

Compare putting that same energy into focusing on your goals and investing in other relationships (friends, family, social networks) that add value to your life. 

Heck, ultimately a well-cared for pet will give you more than a married affair partner in the long run.

[Aether]

I remember who I was before, I loved her, I was fine and had been for years BEFORE  (had been, my story like many others see's me being in an incredibly vulnerable place emotionally at the time we got involved, however.)  I got involved with my xMM.  I would do anything to be that person again but he/I ruined her for nothing.  I only have two regrets in my life and that is one of them.

I didn't need anyone and I was content and at peace with where and who I was.

I would say no, if you were like I was before him then you would absolutely not have felt so lonely.

[Stupidkupid]

As the posters say above. 

Being the OW is loneliest I have ever been. It was gut wrenching.

Long story but I am actually in relationship with the MM in my story (medium term affair, I ended it, went NC for 2 years, got therapy, moved on then othet stuff happened. He got separated and filed for divorce in the NC period. Hes divorced now and we've been together foe over 3 years). 

His view of our affair was that, although he knows he hurt people (he too had a lot of therapy) the affair was positive in terms of being with me, in his reflections. He said he was surprised when I told him he lonely and painful it was for me.

We have had very frank conersations about it since we've been together. I'm regretful of almost everything. He is regretful of the pain he caused and therapy helped him to understand his behaviours but to him, it led him to me.

The dynamics are so, so different for the MM/MW and the OM/OW

I felt constantly empty during the affair. Hollow. When i got over the NC shock (took 6 months to feel a least like myself again) I enjoyed being single. I rarely felt lonely and, when I did, it was a different feeling. It was the emptiness I felt before and wasn't accompanyed by a myriad of other unpleasant emotions (jealousy, abondonment, guilt).

So being single and free trumps being the OW a billion times over

[elaine567]

I get that being an OW can be a lonely, painful existence but so many state they were "vulnerable", "weak" and "in a bad place" when they took on the OW role.
Many say that normally they would have repelled such a proposal, but because they had been hurt, damaged or were feeling particularly lonely and neglected or in some way "vulnerable", they were ripe for the picking.
So is the OW role intrinsically a "tough gig" or is it made tough by the state of mind of the women who choose that role for themselves?

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I get that being an OW can be a lonely, painful existence but so many state they were "vulnerable", "weak" and "in a bad place" when they took on the OW role.
Many say that normally they would have repelled such a proposal, but because they had been hurt, damaged or were feeling particularly lonely and neglected or in some way "vulnerable", they were ripe for the picking.
So is the OW role intrinsically a "tough gig" or is it made tough by the state of mind of the women who choose that role for themselves?

This is actually a really good point.

I was not happy when I entered my affair and through therapy dealt with a lot of that stuff. But it waa me ending the affair that prompted me going to therapy.

I wonder how long I'd have allowed my awful marriage to continue had I not embarked on the affair. I ended the marriage very quickly after I embarked on the affair so was only briefly a WS.

However, in the 2 years of singledom I experienced loss etc but was still happier than at any time during my affair.

Its a really interesting point though

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So is the OW role intrinsically a "tough gig" or is it made tough by the state of mind of the women who choose that role for themselves?

I was not in a “vulnerable” or “weak” position when I chose to be an OW. I chose it because it suited my needs at the time - I didn’t have time or headspace for a FTR and SGs who claimed to want a PTR in reality wanted you to be at their Beck and call, fitting their schedule, rather than the other way round, or they quickly went from being happy with PTR to wanting more... which just wasn’t on my agenda. A PTR with a MM was much better, IMV. I could fit him in (so to speak) when it suited me, and all the other stuff - well, he had other places to go for that, as I did. 
 

So I didn’t find it a tough gig at all, at least, not until the point where we decided we wanted to be together FT (some years down the road...) and we both had stuff to do to get our ducks in a row to make that happen. That bit was the rough bit, as we both had sacrifices and choices to make. But it’s clearly not for everyone, and people choosing that kind of R from a point of weakness or vulnerability are choosing to be in an unequal R (as they would be, in whatever R they chose to be in) and as a result the odds are stacked against them. If you choose from a position of strength, your outcomes are much more likely to be in your favour, whatever form of R you opt for.

[AngelLove]

I actually was vulnerable. I was dealing with  the loss of my mother and was in therapy for childhood trauma and feeling suicidal. So when XMM entered my life and started showing me attention I was happy and back to myself. I really liked him so he was a good distraction if you will

It didn't help the fact that he made it sound like his relationship was ending etc so I didn't go in thinking this is how it's going to be. And he had no intention of leaving. And being vulnerable and naive with lack of dating experience also played part in it. Now I will know to steer clear in the future 

Edited April 18, 2021 by AngelLove

[Stupidkupid]

12 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

I actually was vulnerable. I was dealing with  the loss of my mother and was in therapy for childhood trauma and feeling suicidal. So when XMM entered my life and started showing me attention I was happy and back to myself. I really liked him so he was a good distraction if you will

It didn't help the fact that he made it sound like his relationship was ending etc so I didn't go in thinking this is how it's going to be. And he had no intention of leaving. And being vulnerable and naive with lack of dating experience also played part in it. Now I will know to steer clear in the future 

I think this is the most common scenario even though situations like the obe described above do happen.

I'm really sorry about your mum.

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, AngelLove said:

I was an single OW for 3 years . I know I was still not in real relationship However, I would still get part time companionship and sex. So it got me thinking if I had been 100% single for the last 3 years..meaning no sex and , no male attention/companion whatsoever would I have felt so alone and frustrated as I was with XMM ? I guess this applies to former single OW who hated being an OW as I did

I am in your situation. I swing between single and OW. I am not ready for a relationship but single doesn't appeal at this moment in time. I like the medium so it works for me. But give me 6 months and I could easily have changed my mind again.

[inlove20102010]

13 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

No, it's a much lonelier feeling to pine over someone you can't have then to simply be on your own. 

Consider all the wasted energy of twisting yourself in knots because you wonder what he's doing, how does he really feel about her, will he ever choose you or make you a priority, constant rejection and how that damages your self-esteem.

Compare putting that same energy into focusing on your goals and investing in other relationships (friends, family, social networks) that add value to your life. 

Heck, ultimately a well-cared for pet will give you more than a married affair partner in the long run.

Too true the amount of energy thinking about what they are feeling about you and wife is too much mentally to cope with I am finding it hard.

[Pumpernickel]

I did not feel lonely or vulnerable as the OW. I actually enjoyed it for years. When it got serious, after he left his M, things went sour. I should have broken it off right there and then. And even now, I’m still not interested in a committed relationship. 

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I was not in a “vulnerable” or “weak” position when I chose to be an OW. I chose it because it suited my needs at the time - I didn’t have time or headspace for a FTR and SGs who claimed to want a PTR in reality wanted you to be at their Beck and call, fitting their schedule, rather than the other way round, or they quickly went from being happy with PTR to wanting more... which just wasn’t on my agenda. A PTR with a MM was much better, IMV. I could fit him in (so to speak) when it suited me, and all the other stuff - well, he had other places to go for that, as I did. 
 

So I didn’t find it a tough gig at all, at least, not until the point where we decided we wanted to be together FT (some years down the road...) and we both had stuff to do to get our ducks in a row to make that happen. That bit was the rough bit, as we both had sacrifices and choices to make. But it’s clearly not for everyone, and people choosing that kind of R from a point of weakness or vulnerability are choosing to be in an unequal R (as they would be, in whatever R they chose to be in) and as a result the odds are stacked against them. If you choose from a position of strength, your outcomes are much more likely to be in your favour, whatever form of R you opt for.

Same here. I choose these relationships for the same reason you did. I think a lot of people don't understand that but when it works it works.

[mark clemson]

Life doesn't have "right answers", or at least not the same exact ones for everyone. Being single or being an OW (again?) would each have advantages and disadvantages.

You seem to be skipping the 3rd option, which would be finding someone single for a "full" relationship. Perhaps that is easier said than done, e.g. you are in a lower population area or similar. Anyway, that 3rd option would presumably be the best one, should you be able to make it happen.

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Life doesn't have "right answers", or at least not the same exact ones for everyone. Being single or being an OW (again?) would each have advantages and disadvantages.

You seem to be skipping the 3rd option, which would be finding someone single for a "full" relationship. Perhaps that is easier said than done, e.g. you are in a lower population area or similar. Anyway, that 3rd option would presumably be the best one, should you be able to make it happen.

I can't speak for anyone else here but option 3 is a no go for me right now and there are good reasons for that. I couldn't contemplate it. One day hopefully, but not now.

[jah526]

On 4/18/2021 at 6:05 AM, AngelLove said:

I actually was vulnerable. I was dealing with  the loss of my mother

Me too. My mother was dying of cancer and he knew it. She was my main emotional support system in life. I was also being bullied at work and he knew that too. So he lured me in with kindness. I remember thinking what a wonderful person he was. Turned out to be a predator. He could probably smell my vulnerability. But he did teach me a valuable lesson about trusting people, and I will know better in the future.

[NYAG]

56 minutes ago, jah526 said:

Me too. My mother was dying of cancer and he knew it. She was my main emotional support system in life. I was also being bullied at work and he knew that too. So he lured me in with kindness. I remember thinking what a wonderful person he was. Turned out to be a predator. He could probably smell my vulnerability. But he did teach me a valuable lesson about trusting people, and I will know better in the future.

They are the worst people. So gross. So sorry you were picked on at such a vulnerable time - both of you.

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, NYAG said:

I can't speak for anyone else here but option 3 is a no go for me right now.

Fair enough.

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

They are the worst people.

You're painting with a pretty broad brush here. We've had plenty of stories here where the BS was a difficult partner in some way. Neglectful, inconsiderate, emotionally abusive, in some cases worse. AND there are those who aren't any of those things.

It wouldn't be particularly fair if I was to go painting them all with that broad brush either, would it?

[NYAG]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You're painting with a pretty broad brush here. We've had plenty of stories here where the BS was a difficult partner in some way. Neglectful, inconsiderate, emotionally abusive, in some cases worse. AND there are those who aren't any of those things.

It wouldn't be particularly fair if I was to go painting them all with that broad brush either, would it?

I should have been more specific in the cases I was responding to regarding the vulnerability of those people who were dealing with family with cancer and the work bullying. Apologies for that.

[CalliopeTrope]

Being single is the best. I'd much rather put that energy into a passion project than wasting it on someone who only wants me when it's convenient to them.

[Wiseman2]

Neither. There's no reason to be totally alone these days. You can have any type of relationship you want.

FWB, dating casually, a committed relationship etc.

Fear is what drives this. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

That means in a misguided attempt to build a wall around your heart by seeing someone married, you ironically have found the surest route to despair, heartaches and a complete loss of self-respect.

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Neither. There's no reason to be totally alone these days. You can have any type of relationship you want.

FWB, dating casually, a committed relationship etc.

Fear is what drives this. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

That means in a misguided attempt to build a wall around your heart by seeing someone married, you ironically have found the surest route to despair, heartaches and a complete loss of self-respect.

Well you just summed me up Wiseman2. I need to keep this summary handy.