Got myself in a right mess - not sure what to do

[inlove20102010]

I met a man online through facebook a friend of a friend and we spoke on Facebook about some work and it led into something more. Spent 3-4 hours every night chatting via skype, at the time I was in an unhappy long-term (20 year) relationship and was not sexually active wtih my long-term partner (his choice) my relationship was ruined even before he came along. I fell in love with this new guy online over the course of 3 years. I never met him in person because I was with my long-term partner and could not do that to him. It effected my real relationhip to the point I finally ended it, as it was just not right. My long-term partner moved out and I was on my own for 3 months before I met up with this man online, as I was worried I would not like him in real life. I met him and did not feel anything much. As time went on we became closer and I would see him once every few weeks and carry on speaking every night. After 9 meet ups, my feelings were really strong and we had sex and he told me just after --- he was married but was unhappy!!! I had already fallen in love with him. I broke it off for 2 months because I could not take the fact he was still married but cannot help myself as I love him and I think he loves me but he has never said that he loves me. He has said he will leave wife but said he can't due to finances, she owns their house. I don't know if he is waiting for me to offer for him to move in (for which I am not ready) but I do have lot's of money so that is not an issue for me. I love him and cannot let him go and I am still speaking to him every night and rejecting single guys. I know you all say, MM are users and only want sex but this guy does not seem like that due to the 30 hours a week we speak on the skype. His wife is downstairs so not even sure what is going on there, he speaks to me with his older children in the room. I don't even know what to say here, I have read allot of subjects on this forum and many of you are totally against the OW and tell them to leave, sometimes we are decieved into this whole affair and only find out they are married once we are in love with them - is that a trick.

Yes, I think this guy is my soulmate. I need him to be with me and leave his wife or ditch him I know. At the moment, I like the arrangement as it works for me but I hate the fact that he is probablly sleeping with her and going home to her thats the only thing I am finding hard to cope with - and the fact I am hurting a human being I have never met and never intended to and feel so trapped as I am lonley and cannot imagine an evening without speaking to him. There are lot's of stories on here whereby the MM has left the OW - how did that happen? Please don't be nasty to me, I fell into this and left my SO for him before I even met him. I did the right thing... but he didn't. What do I do?

[Pumpernickel]

Depends on what you want. Sounds like you want him to be your legit life partner. If that’s the case, speak up for yourself. If he has grown children, he can’t use the most popular excuse, which is the “children” excuse, so that’s that, and if his W is the sole owner of their home, as he says, then what’s the problem? He won’t lose anything if he moves out, if it’s not his in the first place, and even better - if they get divorced it might be considered marital property and she’ll have to pay him out. So that’s not a valid reason. Not sure why he brought that up in particular. 
 

[inlove20102010]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

Depends on what you want. Sounds like you want him to be your legit life partner. If that’s the case, speak up for yourself. If he has grown children, he can’t use the most popular excuse, which is the “children” excuse, so that’s that, and if his W is the sole owner of their home, as he says, then what’s the problem? He won’t lose anything if he moves out, if it’s not his in the first place, and even better - if they get divorced it might be considered marital property and she’ll have to pay him out. So that’s not a valid reason. Not sure why he brought that up in particular. 
 

Thanks, yes I thought that about the house, it should be split but I know if she bought it with her inheritance money so he probablly signed something to say he would not get half, he also said she goes into rages and takes drugs and its hard to cope with (not sure if these are just lies though). Maybe I will explore this with him in time, but I feel like I cannot rock the boat as I am 100% not sure if I really want him living with me as I am still getting over the 20 year breakup - its been 12 months now but I need time to myself to heal from that, but I do love him, just scared that if I did have him properlly it would not work out then I would feel sick I broke up a marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, inlove20102010 said:

After 9 meet ups, my feelings were really strong and we had sex and he told me just after --- he was married but was unhappy.

Excellent you ended a bad situation. However don't jump from the frying pan to the fire by picking an even worse man. He seems like a deceptive creep. Delete and block him asap and  get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest decent men.

Edited April 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Stupidkupid]

Your problem with him should be that he lied to you for over 3 years. 

How could he not mention he was married? This is insane to me. Absolutely nuts.

Its absolutely one thing to knowlingly enter into an affair, its a wholly other thing for him to fool you into that scenario.

Arguably, MM/MW in these situations are inherently untrustworthy (they are cheating on their spouse, after all) but he actually neglected to mention she existed. Even if you thought you could trust him, how can you now?

Further, as @Pumpernickelrightly points out. In most legal juristictions a marriage involves merging all assets (shan't go into whether i agree with this or not, whole other subject) which effectively means that his wife owns nothing by herself, whether or not its only her name on it or not. Not even her pension.

If he wanted to leave, he wouldn't lie to you. I know marriages are not easy to leave, sometimes this takes time, but hes consistently lied to and hidden things from you. Why do you believe anything he says?

[inlove20102010]

9 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Your problem with him should be that he lied to you for over 3 years. 

How could he not mention he was married? This is insane to me. Absolutely nuts.

Its absolutely one thing to knowlingly enter into an affair, its a wholly other thing for him to fool you into that scenario.

Arguably, MM/MW in these situations are inherently untrustworthy (they are cheating on their spouse, after all) but he actually neglected to mention she existed. Even if you thought you could trust him, how can you now?

Further, as @Pumpernickelrightly points out. In most legal juristictions a marriage involves merging all assets (shan't go into whether i agree with this or not, whole other subject) which effectively means that his wife owns nothing by herself, whether or not its only her name on it or not. Not even her pension.

If he wanted to leave, he wouldn't lie to you. I know marriages are not easy to leave, sometimes this takes time, but hes consistently lied to and hidden things from you. Why do you believe anything he says?

Thanks for your advice and opinion, greatly appreciated. I feel kind of responsible because I did not say I was with my SO in all that time, I really don't know why, so I can't blame him for keeping it from me, I alwaays knew that if I met him I would have to be single as it just did not feel right cheating. I think though when we planned to meet the first time he should have told me the truth, rather than wait until after. I live in Kenya not US. Therefore, the laws are slightly different because you can sign an agreement to limit your married partners assets. Anyway, I kind of know that this is not an excuse because if he was unhappy he would leave right. He has totally got me drawn in and I think of him 24/7, and I am hooked and do believe this is love (but know that sounds like a cliche). It is torture, I know you say walk away but I can't as I have tried so many times, its like I am addicted to him or something - just mentally a terrible place to be 😞

[Stupidkupid]

Hi @inlove20102010 

Don't take this the wrong way, as I don't mean it in a nasty way at all, but you sound like neqrly every other woman that ever posted on here.

Myself included. Many years ago when I was with my MM I felt like I waa addicted to him. I loved him. Couldn't be without him.

I tried a lot of times too, and one time I gave myself the advice I needed. There are lies. You are unhappy. You are not his priority. You deserve better. His wife deserves better. I committed to that, I got therapy and I moved on.

It took time. But the affair progressively broke me down. And (as a relationship, love, is what you want from this man) it will do the same to you.

Sure, he'll have you believe you're a priority but his actions will often show you otherwise. The nights he takes his wife out ("because I have to") or goes on holiday with her ("i won't enjoy it") or goes to bed with her ("we never have sex, she doesn't show me affection").

If you are a priority homes, finances, pensions, people view of him, won't matter a bit. He will do all of this for you.

Or he will show you the ways he is working on that.

But hes giving you the same excuses and the same lies as basically every other woman has ever had.

 

[jah526]

2 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Sure, he'll have you believe you're a priority but his actions will often show you otherwise. The nights he takes his wife out ("because I have to") or goes on holiday with her ("i won't enjoy it") or goes to bed with her ("we never have sex, she doesn't show me affection").

I wonder why they never get tired of the lies. Is it because it comes so naturally to them?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I like the arrangement as it works for me but I hate the fact that he is probablly sleeping with her and going home to her thats the only thing I am finding hard to cope with

OP, re-read this. It's a blatant contradiction. 

This arrangement isn't working for you. If it were, you likely wouldn't give a fig that he is married. You say that this is the "only" thing you are finding it hard to cope with, but it's the entire reason this whole situation is so toxic. 

What you are selling yourself is an illusion. The probability that he will ever leave his wife for you so you can two can live happily ever after? Practically zero. You need to move on from this guy. It isn't going to end the way you want. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

There are lot's of stories on here whereby the MM has left the OW - how did that happen?

I would respectfully suggest that these relationships likely didn’t start with one partner lying to the other about their marital status for three years. That, to me, isn’t a man who is interested in leaving his spouse to be with his affair partner. That, to me, suggests a man who is wanting to keep his affair partner interested while keeping his marriage. 

I think you really need to ask yourself OP why you stay with a man who you know to be dishonest and untrustworthy? I say this, because while I know that I love my partner with all my heart but if he lies to me and disrespects me in this way - I would never stay. Never. 

 

[HappilyMarried]

It just seems a little strange to me @inlove20102010 that you talked to and skype this man as much as you have stated you never found out that he was married. It is either he lied to you or you never ask at all about his personal life.

Edited April 19, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[inlove20102010]

4 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

It just seems a little strange to me @inlove20102010 that you talked to and skype this man as much as you have stated you never found out that he was married. It is either he lied to you or you never ask at all about his personal life.

I never asked tbh. When he told me he said he never asked me and I never asked him. We were both to blame I guess as we did not have an honest conversation about our status at the time. Maybe I did not ask because I did not want to hear the answer and I did not want to reveal I was in an unhappy relationship. I have not asked him to leave his wife, and I never will as this is his choice to or not. But I also know the more I go on like this the more he is getting and I am not. At the moment I am working on myself and healing from my past relationship but there will come a time where I will need to cut off if things have not progressed. I think I will give it 4 months and after that if he has not made any moves or mentioned to leave then I will have to knock it on the head, which will break my heart but I think the reality is if they don't leave they don't love you deeply. Having written the situation on screen here it is so obvious that I am being used 😞

Edited April 19, 2021 by inlove20102010

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, inlove20102010 said:

I think I will give it 4 months

 

1 hour ago, inlove20102010 said:

it is so obvious that I am being used 😞

Why give it any more time if you feel this way, let alone another 4 months?

You're setting yourself up for more pain and prolonging your own misery. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, inlove20102010 said:

I never asked tbh. 😞

Ok. This is a great place to start. Somehow you wanted to perpetuate your fantasy without interference from truth and reality.

In some manner these chats fulfilled a need. And at some level you knew of his unavailability all along so that kept you safe from real relationships.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people for that reason.

When you are tired of being lonely and building a moat around your heart and life, you'll know what to do.

[HappilyMarried]

6 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I never asked tbh. When he told me he said he never asked me and I never asked him. We were both to blame I guess as we did not have an honest conversation about our status at the time. Maybe I did not ask because I did not want to hear the answer and I did not want to reveal I was in an unhappy relationship. I have not asked him to leave his wife, and I never will as this is his choice to or not. But I also know the more I go on like this the more he is getting and I am not. At the moment I am working on myself and healing from my past relationship but there will come a time where I will need to cut off if things have not progressed. I think I will give it 4 months and after that if he has not made any moves or mentioned to leave then I will have to knock it on the head, which will break my heart but I think the reality is if they don't leave they don't love you deeply. Having written the situation on screen here it is so obvious that I am being used 😞

Thanks for your honest answer to my comment after reading your reply I am afraid that this guy probably not your soulmate he I believe he was/is a male cake eater and really probably wants to keep his marriage and home life and the 3+ years online with you were entertainment and now he probably just wanted to have you on the side but keep his marriage and family. Best of luck!

[notbroken]

You don't really know this guy.  You know a fantasy.  Hard to accept but it is the truth.   He is a liar (yes - lying by omission is still a lie) and a cheater.   Do NOT have him move in with you.  Drop him and find a guy that is available / trustworthy.   This won't end well. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I think I will give it 4 months and after that if he has not made any moves or mentioned to leave then I will have to knock it on the head, which will break my heart but I think the reality is if they don't leave they don't love you deeply.

And so it begins, the negotiation phase of this relationship. You will set a deadline, he will fail to meet that deadline or offer some hope that he is moving towards leaving... you will extend your deadline because you “love” this man and you still believe he will follow through... he just needs more time, life is complicated, something has happened that makes this not the “right” time to tell his spouse and leave his family... and so it goes...

I agree with the advice above, save yourself the trouble and end it now. Four months down the road, you will simply be more invested and it will be more painfully difficult to end this affair.

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

n most legal juristictions a marriage involves merging all assets (shan't go into whether i agree with this or not, whole other subject) which effectively means that his wife owns nothing by herself, whether or not its only her name on it or not. Not even her pension.

I don't disagree with your overall point, but actually there are plenty of jurisdictions where inherited property is NOT jointly owned, so if OP wants a real answer she'd need to go to a lawyer in her area (and hope the info being provided is accurate, which is it's own issue).

I think the point that he COULD leave if he really, really wanted to is a valid one. But OP's not ready to "receive" him yet, so I guess why would he.

OP, as with others above I think the fact that he's been deceiving you about being married for several years speaks volumes. This guy is your soulmate? Sounds like a pretty tough break to me to get that for a soulmate.

WRT to him ultimately leaving or not, anything is possible and we have had that happen (very occasionally) for posters here. However it's wise to remember that very often practical matters trump sentiment in this world, so even if he does "love you" and does "wish he could divorce" it simply may not be worth it to him to do so.

You might consider researching limerence a bit online, in case that is what is driving this "soulmate" stuff. As with an addict, one's brain can start to play tricks on itself and one stops thinking completely rationally if one has true, full-fledged limerence. Not sure that's what's going on, but perhaps. At any rate, if you have that, it is a neurological change.

Edited April 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/18/2021 at 9:41 PM, BaileyB said:

while I know that I love my partner with all my heart but if he lies to me and disrespects me in this way - I would never stay. Never. 

For anyone who finds themselves on the short end of the stick in any relationship (including other women/men), Bailey's post is a good example of what it means to love, honor, and respect yourself. If you were raised to believe to always put others first, as I was, rethink that. It only sets you up to be disrespected, under-valued and used. If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will respect you either. If you don't require respect from others for you to show up, you won't be respected. It is never worth sacrificing yourself to stay in a bad relationship/affair/situationship.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

For anyone who finds themselves on the short end of the stick in any relationship (including other women/men), Bailey's post is a good example of what it means to love, honor, and respect yourself. If you were raised to believe to always put others first, as I was, rethink that. It only sets you up to be disrespected, under-valued and used. If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will respect you either. If you don't require respect from others for you to show up, you won't be respected. It is never worth sacrificing yourself to stay in a bad relationship/affair/situationship.

It would be different if they were married, they had a home together and they were raising kids... It may be different if he was showing remorse for this behavior, if he was committed to healing the relationship and recommitting to the marriage. 

But this is a guy that she has had a virtual relationship for the past few years. She has only recently met the man AND she has discovered a HUGE red flag. She is not obligated to him in any way and he is committed to another woman! 

So yeah, I was raised to be considerate of others, to put them first sometimes - but not in this situation. In this case, when you find this kind of red flag - leaving the man is a form of self protection.

Discovering that the man has lied (even if it’s by omission) about his marital status and choosing to stay because you love him is foolish. How could you ever trust anything this man says... It’s like saying, “Because I love him, I’m going to completely ignore my common sense, my better judgement, my own best interest...” No way - that’s not love. That’s something else...

[BaileyB]

On 4/18/2021 at 10:17 AM, inlove20102010 said:

I met a man online through facebook a friend of a friend and we spoke on Facebook about some work and it led into something more. I broke it off for 2 months because I could not take the fact he was still married but cannot help myself as I love him and I think he loves me but he has never said that he loves me. I love him and cannot let him go and I am still speaking to him every night. I am lonley and cannot imagine an evening without speaking to him.

This is what tells me that you have lost your way OP. You have formed an unhealthy attachment to this man, such that you don’t feel that you can be without him. That’s never healthy in any relationship, it’s certainly not healthy given the situation here. 

This has nothing to do with him, or your relationship with him - this has everything to do with you and where you are in your own life and with your own mental health. Perhaps a counsellor would offer more support than an affair partner? 

Quote

He has said he will leave wife but said he can't due to finances, she owns their house.

And the excuses begin...

Quote

I don't know if he is waiting for me to offer for him to move in (for which I am not ready) but I do have lot's of money so that is not an issue for me.

And you begin to make accommodations for him. Do NOT let this man move into your home... you don’t know him, and what you do know about him is not good. He lied to you, he used you (he waited until after you had sex to tell you he was married), and he would potentially be taking advantage of your financial resources if he was to move in. Again - self protection. You have built those assets, don’t give them away to a man you don’t know and shouldn’t trust. 

[inlove20102010]

20 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is what tells me that you have lost your way OP. You have formed an unhealthy attachment to this man, such that you don’t feel that you can be without him. That’s never healthy in any relationship, it’s certainly not healthy given the situation here. 

This has nothing to do with him, or your relationship with him - this has everything to do with you and where you are in your own life and with your own mental health. Perhaps a counsellor would offer more support than an affair partner? 

And the excuses begin...

And you begin to make accommodations for him. Do NOT let this man move into your home... you don’t know him, and what you do know about him is not good. He lied to you, he used you (he waited until after you had sex to tell you he was married), and he would potentially be taking advantage of your financial resources if he was to move in. Again - self protection. You have built those assets, don’t give them away to a man you don’t know and shouldn’t trust. 

Your all so lovely with your advice. Ive decided I will carry on for now and try to break the attachment and see him less and less - and see it for what it is I am getting better and not attaching so much after sex, I know he is no good for long-term partner but right now it works for me as I don't know if I really want a committed relationship with him but time will tell. Yes, it has all to do with me, at the moment I need to live alone as I am happy and still recovering from unhealthy long-term relationship. I use to condem the whole basis of the OW but now I understand its just so complex when you are drawn in before they let you know they are taken then you feel trapped. I will never let a man access my financial assets again after what I have been through with my ex so good advice x

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I understand its just so complex when you are drawn in before they let you know they are taken then you feel trapped.

It’s not really that complex though and you are definitely not trapped. Why do you feel that this is complex and you are trapped?

It is possible to love someone and make the decision NOT to be in a relationship with them because it is not in your best interest. Developing feelings for a man does not “trap” you into a relationship. You chose to stay, because it meets your own needs. Just as he choses to be in an affair with you despite the fact that he is committed to another woman, because it meets his needs. You both lied about your marital status (by omission) to each other because that met your own needs. And now, you chose to continue to engage with this man because that meets your own needs. And if I may, you conveniently ignore the fact that he has a wife, because that meets your own need. 

I hope you reconsider. You say that you need to live alone to heal, perhaps you need to be alone to heal. Because, it appears that you have jumped from one unhealthy relationship to another. If you haven’t found yourself a counsellor, I would kindly suggest that this would be a good decision, if at all possible...

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stupidkupid]

11 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

Your all so lovely with your advice. Ive decided I will carry on for now and try to break the attachment and see him less and less - and see it for what it is I am getting better and not attaching so much after sex, I know he is no good for long-term partner but right now it works for me as I don't know if I really want a committed relationship with him but time will tell. Yes, it has all to do with me, at the moment I need to live alone as I am happy and still recovering from unhealthy long-term relationship. I use to condem the whole basis of the OW but now I understand its just so complex when you are drawn in before they let you know they are taken then you feel trapped. I will never let a man access my financial assets again after what I have been through with my ex so good advice x

This won't happen and suddenly you're 2 years in making excuses for him still

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

This won't happen and suddenly you're 2 years in making excuses for him still

No, it’s not going to work. It is what one says when they are not ready to end the relationship.

It is the obvious analogy...it’s like an alcoholic who says, “I’m just going to drink less.” That doesn’t work either, unfortunately. 

It’s also like the end of an affair or a bad breakup, when one is having a difficult time letting go/moving on and wants to be “friends.” That doesn’t work either. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by BaileyB