Mixed signals and onlyfans

[PCB88]

A girl I have been dating for a while decided that she thought we were going too fast, too soon despite me taking things as slow as she wanted as I was happy with that, too. We were very happy and saw each other regularly and texted/phoned all the time. Every time we spoke of the future we said it's a long way off but she was the first to say she saw a future with me. She introduced me to her children (something I was against as we were supposed to be chill) and she told her friends and family about me. Again, something I refrained from doing as we were supposed to be taking it slow. Or as she put it - Baby steps. She thanked me for being patient with her and her situation to which I replied for me it's not a problem at all as I am enjoying the way things are. 

Anyway, long story short she decided that I was being over bearing and she couldn't feel as though she could say no to plans we had made and that us talking all the time etc was too much. To me it made no sense. I'm very laid back and although I do have my faults, I did everything by her rules. Which in hindsight isn't the best to be but I tend to put my feelings to one side. She was initiating all this just as much as I was. I did fall for her quite quickly, I'll admit, we had a real connection that I haven't felt in a long time. We have the same sense of humour, similar interests, I was very attracted to her and she constantly told me that she felt happy with me and that I could understand her.

I now am left feeling alone and confused. I don't doubt that the timing wasn't right- She had come out of a LTR and she said it's a shame we didn't meet in 2 years time. But maybe I'm being naive in thinking that if you like someone and the way things are going then why not just let it see how it pans out? There was a massive red flag because I found out she had onlyfans. We talked about it and she was gutted I knew because she thought I'd end things with her. I didn't. She said she would have told me down the line when she thought we were in a more solid relationship, I told her that it was actually unfair to allow me to get invested the way I have with that secret and further down the line would have been harder. Anyway, I accepted it as she told me it was only pictures and videos. I'm not okay with it but I was learning to cope with it as I enjoyed being with her. I should say that I have since found out that it isn't just pictures and videos. There's a whole lot more which qualifies as cheating. Including girlfriend experiences, sexting, phone calls and sending used underwear to these "losers". There was also one picture I saw of her in the new lingerie that I had bought her. I think that's what hurt the most. About a month on from that was when she decided we weren't on the same page. I don't get it really, nothing had changed.

I've been NC for over a week now with no intention of reaching out, and we have unfollowed on social media etc. Before NC we met up and decided to try again. It lasted 2 days before she called it off again because she said I was too much for her after I had texted her a couple of times during the day. I was beginning to feel like I wasn't even allowed to talk to her anymore and the stuff which she said she enjoyed about our relationship (the communication) was actually now becoming a nuisance. It got me doubting myself, perhaps sometimes I was putting too much pressure on her? I don't see how though, she would often be the one to initiate conversations, send me random texts through the day etc.

I now can't help but check when she is online on whatsapp which is more and more lately which suggests shes now having those long conversations etc with someone else. It is actual torture and I need to be stronger. I know I have to respect her decision and that real reason she is on these apps because she wants to have fun. But I am annoyed at both her and myself for letting it get as far as it did and now it's me feeling like this when she probably hasn't given it a second thought.

There's no real question attached to this, more of a rant. I know in so long I will look back a breathe a sigh of relief because I know in myself I would have never been okay with onlyfans- even if it was just pictures and videos like I was led to believe. She may look back on it and feel the same, who knows. I'd hope that one day she will look back and realise that she had let a good thing slip away but then that may just be me thinking quite highly of myself. I hate feeling like this, I feel silly that I miss what we had.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, PCB88 said:

I should say that I have since found out that it isn't just pictures and videos. There's a whole lot more which qualifies as cheating. Including girlfriend experiences, sexting, phone calls and sending used underwear to these "losers".

Doing this for money also qualifies as prostitution in most areas, OP. 

This woman is not who you thought she was. With respect, you need to wake up to the reality of who she actually is. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, PCB88 said:

She introduced me to her children- She had come out of a LTR and she said it's a shame we didn't meet in 2 years time. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? Is she seeing others or on/off with an ex or her child's father? How long has she been apart from him?

[PCB88]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? Is she seeing others or on/off with an ex or her child's father? How long has she been apart from him?

No, she's not on/off with her ex and she told me she wasn't seeing anyone else while we were. She told me she had deleted tinder too. I never asked her to, although I did tell her previously that I had as I had no intentions of seeing others. Obviously I only had her word for it. She was getting snap chat messages and telegram messages from other guys which turned out to be as a result of onlyfans. Even now, writing this I know I was lucky to get out. I don't know though, I can't help the way I feel 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, PCB88 said:

She was getting snap chat messages and telegram messages from other guys which turned out to be as a result of onlyfans. Even now, writing this I know I was lucky to get out. 

Yes you dodged a bullet.

"OnlyFans is a content subscription service. Content creators can earn money from users who subscribe to their content—the "fans". It allows content creators to receive funding directly from their fans on a monthly basis as well as one-time tips and the pay-per-view (PPV) feature. It is popular with sex workers"

[PCB88]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes you dodged a bullet.

"OnlyFans is a content subscription service. Content creators can earn money from users who subscribe to their content—the "fans". It allows content creators to receive funding directly from their fans on a monthly basis as well as one-time tips and the pay-per-view (PPV) feature. It is popular with sex workers"

Yep, I know, this and this is why I'm annoyed at myself for feeling the way I do. I honestly feel pretty pathetic for missing her and what we had. It's been about 3 weeks since we stopped seeing each other and I'm not sure if I feel any better. I know she's already moved on, which obviously suggests I was more into her than she was me, which again, is pretty devastating. My mind is a cruel place in these situations. I know she has Tuesdays off of work as that's when we'd do things together, so I am already thinking about that and a potential date she has lined up. And next weekend when the children stay with their dad. I'm trying to keep myself busy and not think about it but it's really difficult. I have no motivation and plus a few other problems in my life which deserve more attention, but I just can't stop thinking about this and her.

 

[flitzanu]

how do you know what content she has on her onlyfans, did you subscribe?

[PCB88]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

how do you know what content she has on her onlyfans, did you subscribe?

I did, to see what was going on. I had my suspicions of it when she received a telegram notification from onlyfans one evening when she was showing me something on her phone. Then I started putting 2 and 2 together- the fact she had a light ring in her room but didn't do any type of selfie, plus all the intimate videos she sent me were from previous times and always edited. I found her on there from her telegram username which wasn't her real name. 

I probably should have ended it there and then but I liked her alot. It wasn't until we had finished that I checked the onlyfans again and had automatically sent messages from her detailing the other services she offered. I never spoke to her about it as I didn't see much point. Wasn't any of my business anymore. I'm obviously no longer subscribed.

Annoyed at myself for still missing her because although she didn't exactly lie about the onlyfans, she did lie about what content she provides. So she was lying to me in a sense, plus, she never removed the photo of herself in the lingerie I bought her like I asked her to.

This has triggered my depression again, along with a few other things going on in my life atm. I can't sleep and I have no motivation.

[Caauug]

On 4/19/2021 at 1:59 AM, PCB88 said:

She introduced me to her children

Children means she's got some pretty big responsibilities. I'm guessing Only Fans is paying her bills or her part of them. If the R was to progress it would mean joining her family, you would be low on her priority list as the children come first. 

On 4/19/2021 at 1:59 AM, PCB88 said:

I did fall for her quite quickly, I'll admit, we had a real connection that I haven't felt in a long time. We have the same sense of humour, similar interests, I was very attracted to her and she constantly told me that she felt happy with me and that I could understand her

She is a good salesperson. She has to sell herself on Only Fans to get subscribers and she sold herself onto you, hence your feeling for her. 

 

On 4/19/2021 at 1:59 AM, PCB88 said:

It lasted 2 days before she called it off again because she said I was too much for her after I had texted her a couple of times during the day.

Don't get to hung up on what she says.... Her actions speak louder than words. She broke up with you, therefor she doesn't want a R with you. She can say what ever she wants to for a reason but the result stay the same.

On 4/19/2021 at 1:59 AM, PCB88 said:

I'm very laid back and although I do have my faults, I did everything by her rules.

Now is the time to look after yourself and work on those faults.... If you were very laid back and following her in the R maybe that is what she did not want? Maybe she wanted a man that had clear boundaries and would take a lead rather than a back seat and ride the waves. Too late now.

Find woman that has less baggage and doesn't need Only Fans.... 

[Wiseman2]

Sex workers are the no-fly zone for dating. Sorry this happened.

[PCB88]

6 hours ago, Caauug said:

Children means she's got some pretty big responsibilities. I'm guessing Only Fans is paying her bills or her part of them. If the R was to progress it would mean joining her family, you would be low on her priority list as the children come first. 

She is a good salesperson. She has to sell herself on Only Fans to get subscribers and she sold herself onto you, hence your feeling for her. 

 

Don't get to hung up on what she says.... Her actions speak louder than words. She broke up with you, therefor she doesn't want a R with you. She can say what ever she wants to for a reason but the result stay the same.

Now is the time to look after yourself and work on those faults.... If you were very laid back and following her in the R maybe that is what she did not want? Maybe she wanted a man that had clear boundaries and would take a lead rather than a back seat and ride the waves. Too late now.

Find woman that has less baggage and doesn't need Only Fans.... 

I know the children would mean I would never be her priority, that isn't an issue here. We discussed in length about this and I was genuinely looking forward to meeting her children. She said it was a long way off which was fine but then introduced me to her son unexpectedly anyway one evening.

I meant I was laid back in terms of not putting pressure on her. I wasn't taking the back seat, I was okay with taking things slow because I was enjoying what we had. I have boundaries, mistakenly I ignored those boundaries to keep myself content in the moment. But I was also lied to about onlyfans. She explained her reasons behind her account, and it was to build up financial comfort for her to leave her husband and support her children (which she did before I came along). She then told me she does enjoy the attention she gets online which I found ridiculous as here I was giving her as much attention as she needed- again, that wasn't an issue. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what her reasons are being on that site. I'm guessing it's the money. She recently bought a 58" TV and £300 vacuum but then told her ex husband he needed to give her money for school shoes for their son, plus she needed to borrow money from her mother for her MOT and a laptop repair. I know I'm bad mouthing her a bit here, but honestly I find talking about it kind of therapeutic and it reminds me that it's all a bit unhinged.

You're right in that I need to work on myself. I have been doing it since my previous relationship 3 years prior. I did get myself in a place where I was happy on my own. I worked hard in work and achieved my goal of buying my own place. This relationship has happened and ended and I'm a bit of an emotional mess again. 

@Wiseman2 you are absolutely right. I never thought I'd come across something like this- especially with her. A mother of 2 who I did kind of know before we got together. It was all a massive shock and I'm annoyed with how I feel. 

[spiderowl]

Sorry, OP, but she's on onlyfans for a reason.  She probably likes the attention, earns money, does whatever she wants.  She didn't tell you all the details upfront, which is a red flag.

We cannot know whether you were truly overbearing or not.  I suspect that she doesn't like anyone making demands on her and prefers to be entirely in control - she is in control on onlyfans.  The minute you started expressing your needs and preferences with regard to her lifestyle, was when she probably opted out.

She has lost interest and, for your own sake, you need to lose interest in her.  She is busy entertaining all her fans.  She doesn't have time for personal relationships.  

It is best you continue to follow the no contact guide on Loveshack.  There is nothing to be gained from checking out what she's doing and it will just cause you pain.  I am sorry she didn't give you more of an idea of what she was into before you got involved.  Maybe this is a lesson in finding out more about a girl before you invest too much emotionally.

Also note, this is a woman who has to maintain an emotional distance from men in order to earn money from onlyfans.  It must be near-on impossible for her to become emotionally attached and have a normal relationship.

Edited April 21, 2021 by spiderowl

[PCB88]

Thank you, Spider. I guess I'm annoyed because we did discuss about taking it slow etc, it took a little while for me to grasp the situation but we were finally making progress and she told me she appreciated my patience and could see a future with me. After one misunderstanding on my part one evening (unrelated to this), we had an argument and it was all thrown back in my face. It's just frustrating to be made to feel that all the nice things in the relationship was then classed as overbearing.

Unfortunately for me it takes me a while to connect with a person, but when it happens I begin to fall pretty quickly. So that is something I need to work on and I need to respect my own boundaries as I know deep down I wouldn't have been okay with her having onlyfans. I mean, I told her I wasn't okay with it but I accepted it to continue to be with her as I knew she wouldn't stop, and that is weak on my part.

Will continue with NC. Her number has been deleted and she is off all of my social media.

[PCB88]

I just remembered something she said to me before we went NC. She asked me if our relationship was just a physical one. Exact words were "Is it just sex for you?" To which I replied, of course not, you know I like you an incredible amount. I asked her the same question, and she replied. "No, I can get sex anywhere"

Who says that? It's horrible.

[spiderowl]

She doesn't sound on the same wavelength as you, OP.  Her lifestyle must distort her view of relationships somewhat.

Being with her would have turned into a minefield.  Sorry it went awry but I think you are better off out of it and will soon find someone else that you connect with.

[Commongoal123]

Bro.

She has an Only Fans.

I'm sorry but isn't that enough to see her true colors and to WANT to be away from her?

A word of advice my friend... dissappear from her life.