Me and Fiancé's Adult Daughter at Odds Causes Rift

[AugustSnow]

I plan to marry my fiancé later this summer, but not sure to go through with it because ever since I said “Yes” to his proposal, it has been hellacious from his family especially his daughter. I have been with my fiancé for a little over 2 years now and the closer he and I got together the more disrespectful she has became towards him and then last year she started becoming disrespectful towards me. 
 

One major incident was when him and his daughter got into a major argument she referred to me as his B****. I never received an apology for that. Regardless of him stating that she should apologize for her disrespectful behavior. 
 

A couple of months after (July 2020)that my fiancé got into another altercation with his daughter and this time his niece to where police ended up being called by a neighbor since they overheard all of the commotion. His daughter was the one who brought his niece there even though it was made clear prior that she was not allowed on the property due to prior incidents. That was the reason for the altercation. Meanwhile his daughter was making threats towards me because she assumed I called the police on them when I tried to stay out of it. 
 

My fiancé has expressed disappointment in his daughter for how she acted and how he claims to keep his distance after what happened. 
 

But now he mentions that he eventually will want to get with her on holidays and I’m am definitely not comfortable with that. Her calling me a B•••• within earshot was one thing but making threats towards me and getting on my face was definitely crossing the line for me and the fact that no apology happened after that is what really upsets me the most. He and I have gotten into arguments about this because he feels like I am expecting him to act like she doesn’t exist when I don’t see it that way. 
 

They still speak on the phone occasionally but usually it’s her calling when she wants information about something. And when she calls I do cringe but it is what it as as far as that goes. 
 

With what has happened should I keep at this relationship and marry him or do I just walk way from this relationship altogether? 
 

Thank you in advance 

Edited April 19, 2021 by AugustSnow

[Acacia98]

28 minutes ago, AugustSnow said:

With what has happened should I keep at this relationship and marry him or do I just walk way from this relationship altogether? 

Walk away.

The drama is not separate from your relationship. So it's not like you can ignore it. And your fiance seems to be resigned to living in the dysfunction. Marrying him will probably force you to do the same. If your idea of married life does not include fights with stepdaughters, being insulted, and being visited by police, then walk away. Because things dont get magically better after marriage. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Acacia98

[Fletch Lives]

How old is the daughter? Does she live with you two/him?

 

In some cases kids go through phases, so the is a chance the animosity will fade. It usually takes a couple years for the kids to warm up to a new SO (this assumes they are sane)...... but that time has passed, so it does not look good.

 

If the daughter lives on her own, it might be possible to avoid her - let him visit her on holidays without you in tow. 

 

Another option is to live separately from her/husband.

 

I know what she said about you was mean, but I would urge you to keep your distance and try to forget. There is no reason to throw away an otherwise good relationship because of one loud-mouth brat. Don't let her win.

 

I know some of these suggestions may not be what you had in mind, but they do work for some people.

Edited April 19, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[basil67]

Hi AugustSnow, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.   While I don't condone her behaviour, and you should not be subjected to it, I am curious to know what she's so angry about.   What's the background to all of this?    I'm wondering if she's perceiving some kind of disrespect to her mother or perhaps finances play a role in this.

 

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, AugustSnow said:

A couple of months after (July 2020)that my fiancé got into another altercation with his daughter and this time his niece to where police ended up being called by a neighbor since they overheard all of the commotion. 

Yes, how old is she and what are the co-parenting arrangements?

Think long and hard if you want to marry into something like this.

Do you really want the cops in your life because of the violence, drama and obvious family dysfunction?

The daughters name calling is just a symptom of much larger problems and a great deal of headaches and heartaches ahead.

[trident_2020]

You don’t have to be necessarily walk away at this point but marrying him with this issue unresolved would be a huge mistake. 

[AugustSnow]

10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

How old is the daughter? Does she live with you two/him?

 

In some cases kids go through phases, so the is a chance the animosity will fade. It usually takes a couple years for the kids to warm up to a new SO (this assumes they are sane)...... but that time has passed, so it does not look good.

 

If the daughter lives on her own, it might be possible to avoid her - let him visit her on holidays without you in tow. 

 

Another option is to live separately from her/husband.

 

I know what she said about you was mean, but I would urge you to keep your distance and try to forget. There is no reason to throw away an otherwise good relationship because of one loud-mouth brat. Don't let her win.

 

I know some of these suggestions may not be what you had in mind, but they do work for some people.

She is 27 and lives on her own. Her mother has already remarried and she has been with him for a few years now. So I really don’t understand her issue and quite frankly have stopped caring to understand. 

[AugustSnow]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, how old is she and what are the co-parenting arrangements?

Think long and hard if you want to marry into something like this.

Do you really want the cops in your life because of the violence, drama and obvious family dysfunction?

The daughters name calling is just a symptom of much larger problems and a great deal of headaches and heartaches ahead.

She is 27 with her own child and lives on her own. Her mother has re married and her dad is planning to eventually do the same thing so as far as co parenting I’m not sure what type of co parenting you’re referring to, but they’ve been involved in her as well as their other children’s lives. 

[dramafreezone]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Walk away.

The drama is not separate from your relationship. So it's not like you can ignore it. And your fiance seems to be resigned to living in the dysfunction. Marrying him will probably force you to do the same. If your idea of married life does not include fights with stepdaughters, being insulted, and being visited by police, then walk away. Because things dont get magically better after marriage. 

Walk away?  That's extreme.  Give the fiance' an opportunity to help correct the situation.

It's obviously not ideal but you can try to fix things before giving up.  Has the OP reached out to the daughter, tried to connect?  Relationships are hard work, including work with the new family.

Also, we're only getting one side of this, keep in mind.  Maybe the daughter is an evil spawn and can't be reasoned with but maybe the OP could behave in a way to foster civility between the two.  I just rarely see anyone saying "work on this," it's always dump him, walk away.  Seems like we don't want to work on anything anymore.

Edited April 19, 2021 by dramafreezone

[d0nnivain]

You marry the family.  She will always be here. 

Before you throw in the towel ask your FI about getting some pre-marital counseling but put all other WP on hold & get back any deposits that have been made. Counseling is never a bad a idea even if things are great.  Raise these issues with the daughter in the counseling.  If you can't resolve it, the only option would be an ultimatum but I can't see that working in your favor.  Blood is thicker than water.  

Have you ever asked her what her problem with you is?  She may just be a brat who is hellbent on "defending" her mother against you the interloper.  If it's something like that, kill her with kindness.  If it's anything else, just bail because you probably can't fix this.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Get this cleared up--and I don't mean pretend-cleared up. I mean really cleared up before you even think about getting married.

Someone else asked, how old is she? 

I'll lay down a metric: only get married, only THINK about getting married when you and the daughter can go out to the mall or to dinner and reasonably get along. You want to be able to get along with a step-daughter. You really do. Misery and hell ensue if you don't. I was talking to a super-smart therapist about this once, and her view was, you only get married to someone with kids (she meant younger kids, but it applies to teenagers as well) if you can fall in love with the kids. She thought that was non-negotiable. 

I assume you're treating daughter with respect. The daughter's outbursts may have nothing to do with you except that somehow you get along with her father better than she does, and she resents you. Can you sense what the conflict is about? I mean push you aside for a bit. Did you bf and the daughter have a rocky relationship to begin with? Is daughter still angry that her mom and father divorced? 

Just relax. Put marriage on hold until some kind of change can occur. If not, leave. 

I actually talked to my ex about this. She had sent me an email telling me her mother had died. I told her I was thinking about dating a woman with kids and I asked her advice as her new husband had kids. My ex was blunt: make sure you get along with the step-kids. She and her new husband had to go to two intense rounds of family therapy/couples counseling to work things out. My ex thought the step-daughters were being jerks. The husband didn't mind. My ex and her husband did work it it, but my ex admitted it required a lot of work and two rounds-- not two individual sessions--but two full rounds of multiple sessions of couples counseling.

 

[glows]

I suspect there are more parts to this story. Why does the daughter dislike you so much? Your fiance is in the middle of all this, between all of you, so you might want to take a good look at your fiance and the way he handles his family relationships. The resentment between father-daughter or the father's choices in partner may have been a very, very old issue before you even knew him. 

Before you marry this man, make a sincere effort to get to know the rest of the family, the history of their relationships. If it's constantly an eye for an eye, this won't work. The dad needs to step in and create better boundaries. Unfortunately without that he doesn't move forwards in any relationship, not just yours and his. 

To think that this is exclusively the daughter that's the problem is unlikely to me. They're a package deal as a family. I've never quite understood why this is such a difficult concept to understand. I would lean towards Acacia and think twice about the relationship altogether if you don't sense your fiance is capable of managing that relationship with his daughter. 

 

[MsJayne]

Your fiance's daughter treats him the way he allows her to treat him. She's 27, not 12, so there's no excuse for her being obnoxious to you. For me, nasty names being bandied about and the police on the front lawn would be enough to draw the line in the sand - ill-mannered, disrespectful family members will not be welcome in your home, and if he can't go along with that then maybe it's time to think twice about marrying him.  As far as the reasons for the daughters behaviour, it sounds like garden variety jealousy and at 27 she should be more mature and less selfish towards her relationship with her father.  As for going on holidays with her - pffft- she needs tough love until she grows up and learns self control. People who carry on like fishwives to the point that neighbours call the police are an embarrassment to the human race. 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 I just rarely see anyone saying "work on this," it's always dump him, walk away

That may very well be true, but the whole point of our participating in these forums is to bring our unique perspectives to the table, not to advocate for togetherness when we, individually, dont think it's  working.

In my community, we consider people to form bonds not just with their relationship partners but also with their relationship partners' families. Theres no way I can in good conscience encourage someone to go forward with a relationship when this level of familial hostility is prevalent and family members' lives are closely intertwined.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

That may very well be true, but the whole point of our participating in these forums is to bring our unique perspectives to the table, not to advocate for togetherness when we, individually, dont think it's  working.

In my community, we consider people to form bonds not just with their relationship partners but also with their relationship partners' families. Theres no way I can in good conscience encourage someone to go forward with a relationship when this level of familial hostility is prevalent and family members' lives are closely intertwined.

That's fine.  What I wrote is just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right, but it's my opinion.

I take into account mainly the idea that we're only getting one side of the picture here.  How often do we see people that have an issue portray that they may in fact be contributing to their issue in some way?  You know what they say, there's three sides of the story, his side, her side and the truth.

[Lotsgoingon]

The police get called because of an argument between daughter and father--that's fairly self-explanatory ... can't see how that one could be OP"s fault. 

[AugustSnow]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

That's fine.  What I wrote is just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right, but it's my opinion.

I take into account mainly the idea that we're only getting one side of the picture here.  How often do we see people that have an issue portray that they may in fact be contributing to their issue in some way?  You know what they say, there's three sides of the story, his side, her side and the truth.

I would like to know how I’m contributing when I have never had a negative interaction with his daughter? The only way I see myself contributing to the issue is me being in a relationship with her dad. Otherwise I’m very baffled at your response to be honest. 

[AugustSnow]

As for the other replies I’ve received, I appreciate them and I’m still processing and thinking of which direction to go from here. Reaching out to his daughter just isn’t going to be an option for me because after that volatile situation, I don’t feel safe to deal with that. The last time my fiancé has tried bringing up (via phone call) how she behaved she always flies off the handle and not talk about it and hangs up in his face, which has caused an initial keeping of our distance from her to begin with. So the thought of seeing her even on holidays without this being resolved and her being mature about it is where I have a issue. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by AugustSnow

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've been through this. Police were never called but I dated someone and was very briefly engaged to him, who had a disrespectful daughter he wouldn't deal with. I'm very glad to have not married him. The daughter was a pill and I tried every way to be her friend. She wasn't having it. I put up with it too long and would never do it again.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, AugustSnow said:

So I really don’t understand her issue and quite frankly have stopped caring to understand. 

You said that there has been issues with the whole family, but particular the daughter.  So daughter aside, what issues do the family have with him being with you?

When she was shouting and angry, what was she saying?  Did she accuse anyone of anything?    I find it really hard to believe that you don't know why she's so upset.  Not suggesting that she's necessarily being reasonable, but something has happened and you'd be a fool to get involved further with him when you don't understand both perspectives of what went wrong.

Something is very wrong here. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/19/2021 at 1:56 AM, AugustSnow said:

 he mentions that he eventually will want to get with her on holidays and I’m am definitely not comfortable with that. 

A father and daughter who get into knock down drag out fights is a red flag.

There's clearly violence and abuse in this family.

It's only a matter of time before the neighbors are calling the police because you will be in the line of fire.

You're worried about name calling? Wait until he turns his raging on you. The daughter is a symptom of a much larger problem.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

8 hours ago, AugustSnow said:

As for the other replies I’ve received, I appreciate them and I’m still processing and thinking of which direction to go from here. Reaching out to his daughter just isn’t going to be an option for me because after that volatile situation, I don’t feel safe to deal with that. The last time my fiancé has tried bringing up (via phone call) how she behaved she always flies off the handle and not talk about it and hangs up in his face, which has caused an initial keeping of our distance from her to begin with. So the thought of seeing her even on holidays without this being resolved and her being mature about it is where I have a issue. 

It's not your responsibility to reach out to his daughter. 

Zero. 

He doesn't have that relationship with her so you might want to consider all things. When you marry a person, you marry their family and all their problems, debt, issues and other relationships. Marriage isn't going to cause these issues to fade or give you greater say in the matter or automatically win the respect of other family members. I know you already know this but I don't think you're accepting it. You still see him as a man only, separate from all his other ties. 

This would be a major red flag and it would not go past the dating stage at all for me if a person doesn't have harmony or at least some effective boundaries and peacefulness with his closest relatives. I don't think he's able or ready to bring someone new in his life. You should not be living in perpetual fear and dysfunction and neither should he.

[AugustSnow]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

You said that there has been issues with the whole family, but particular the daughter.  So daughter aside, what issues do the family have with him being with you?

When she was shouting and angry, what was she saying?  Did she accuse anyone of anything?    I find it really hard to believe that you don't know why she's so upset.  Not suggesting that she's necessarily being reasonable, but something has happened and you'd be a fool to get involved further with him when you don't understand both perspectives of what went wrong.

Something is very wrong here. 

 

 

They got into a huge argument because she brought someone there who wasn’t supposed to be there. He has talked to her about it before and she brought this person by anyway and that’s when the argument began and eventually police were called. As I stated previously, she thought I called the police when one of the neighbors called the police and because she thought it was me who called the police she started saying she as well as the person who she wasn’t supposed to be bringing over started making threats towards me. Yeah you’re right on one thing and that is that something is very wrong with that. 

[spiderowl]

What is the rest of the family like?  The daughter sounds like she has a conduct disorder (if one looks at her in isolation which is all we can do on here).  How does she treat her own child?