dennzo Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 Hi All -- I've been married to my wife for 7 months. She's my best friend and the love of my life. We literally have the best times together, she's everything to me. However -- She's completely obsessed with her phone. And I get completely and utterly frustrated by it. She's a mom and I think she used her phone as a form of escapism when her kid was being a little zany. But now that we've met and we're married, it really bugs me. If she has any alone time she's on her phone. Talking to friends on insta messanger or FB messanger, or scanning facebook. When she sleeps at night the phone is always literally in bed, or under her. I've made comments about it in the past, but she gets super defensive and tells me she's an adult and not to police her. Even when her friends come over they'll make a comment like, oh, Lisa's on her phone again (laughing). She'll tell me she has to take a bath every night and I know that's just a move to get away and look at social media for an hour. I really don't know what to do. I try to brush it off but it really gets bothersome. Anyone have any tips?
SaraSays Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 18 minutes ago, dennzo said: Hi All -- I've been married to my wife for 7 months. She's my best friend and the love of my life. We literally have the best times together, she's everything to me. However -- She's completely obsessed with her phone. And I get completely and utterly frustrated by it. She's a mom and I think she used her phone as a form of escapism when her kid was being a little zany. But now that we've met and we're married, it really bugs me. If she has any alone time she's on her phone. Talking to friends on insta messanger or FB messanger, or scanning facebook. When she sleeps at night the phone is always literally in bed, or under her. I've made comments about it in the past, but she gets super defensive and tells me she's an adult and not to police her. Even when her friends come over they'll make a comment like, oh, Lisa's on her phone again (laughing). She'll tell me she has to take a bath every night and I know that's just a move to get away and look at social media for an hour. I really don't know what to do. I try to brush it off but it really gets bothersome. Anyone have any tips? I wouldn't go out with, let alone marry someone with this habit. This drives me potty in friends and colleagues. How did you end up married, without talking this through, and coming up with boundaries, when you were dating? I don't mean sarcastic, nor passive-aggressive comments, I mean a long conversation about things that matter in day-to-day life in the home when you're both in it, and boundaries around gadgets in the home. How often does she have contact with the outside world? Does she have a social life, inclusive of sporty hobbies to help her mental health? Why do you mention "her kid" - is this child not your child? Does she have a job? How often do you take care of the child on your own? Do you do half the family's housework?
d0nnivain Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 Ask her to spend an equal amount of time with you & on her phone / social media. Do give her some time to interact with others Remind her that relationships need to be nurtured. If that fails I'd start sending her snarky texts or DMs telling her that you are in the kitchen, living room, bedroom etc waiting for her to pay attention to you.
mark clemson Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 Consider researching "internet addiction". Although I don't think it's as common as media might have us believe, her behavior sounds fairly extreme. IF it's that, then the first step will be for her to own up to this not being healthy. Step 2 will be figuring out what to do about it (jointly, presumably).
glows Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 (edited) Are the bulk of her family and friends overseas or in a different time zone/other country? Seems strange that you didn't realize this about her prior to marriage? You mentioned also "now that we've met and we're married" which seems to be skipping a few steps inbetween. It's a bit too late to be criticizing someone's phone usage now seven months after but what you can do is explain (tangibly) the times when you'd like for your whole family to be present. Let's say at dinner or at other family gatherings or functions. Does she know that she's not as attentive to what's going on or is she managing all her relationships just fine? I don't see what is the issue if she's multi-tasking very well. Other people might be judge-y and condescending towards her (referring to the "laughing") but that's really her choice what she wants to do with her phone. If she's ignoring you or neglecting the marriage, that's a different story. Edited April 19, 2021 by glows
vla1120 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 I would talk to her about it and perhaps come up with a "tech-free" time of day when the two of you can spend time with each other. I also have other tech-free-time rules, like no phones during meals (especially in restaurants.) I'm also curious about her child and how attentive she is to him/her when she has her phone in her hand. She might grow to resent that when her child gets older.
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