Dumped via a text msg. What kind of adult does that?

[glows]

Your parenting styles are very different. I'm not seeing, sadly, how this could have turned out any differently. Take this as a lesson as a parent and go your way if you're not agreeing on major issues like this. Some of the things you've said were tough to read but I'm also filtering your words because you're speaking from frustration, your relationship just ended and you're in pieces at the moment. 

This wasn't meant to last. Let the dust settle for awhile and then come back to this with a fresh mind. Your kids need you too, to think straight and care for them. It is NOT completely about her son. There are other kids in the picture. 

Her breaking up with you after you left and over text message seems a little immature but I'm also reading it as a last resort and an emergency ending that she felt had to happen and she didn't want to do it with the kids overhearing anything. 

Be kind to yourself. Let her go. Start fresh and spend time with your kids. They need you. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by glows

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

 I told her not to feed him if he acted like this and she refused.  She said that he would simply "starve" before eating anything other than his required mac & cheese.

I was just talking about this with HL.  My son sounds a lot like this lad, but ours also has ASD dx.  We needed a nutritionist to help us through using strategies which are appropriate for a kid with an eating disorder.  Making them go hungry isn't going to work when it's this bad.

[Happy Lemming]

My father worked with the mentally handicapped for 32 years.  One thing he always told me is that these individuals can learn a routine or task.  You have to be patient, but they learn and they remember.  Unless the particular individual was severely and profoundly mentally handicapped they could learn tasks, routines and they followed them.

One of the first tasks they are taught is meal time.  How to set a table, serve food, how to clean up after dinner, wash dishes, etc.

From your description this child is NOT severely and profoundly mentally handicapped  He has the ability to learn structure and routine, thus he can participate in meal time, properly.

 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've got a child who's got stuff going on like this kid.   When the eating is extremely limited and when issues such as texture come into it, we're starting to look at a co-morbid eating disorder.  Given that my guy was already malnourished due to his limited food intake, his nutritionist was all about how to get him to eat the best he cold within the bounds of what we could achieve.   

When it comes to disability, nutritional advice from lay people can be dangerous

 

With all the carbs and fat in mac and cheese, white queso cheese, pancakes and bagels, this kid is not going to starve.

[ctwatlanta]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've got a child who's got stuff going on like this kid.   When the eating is extremely limited and when issues such as texture come into it, we're starting to look at a co-morbid eating disorder.  Given that my guy was already malnourished due to his limited food intake, his nutritionist was all about how to get him to eat the best he cold within the bounds of what we could achieve.   

When it comes to disability, nutritional advice from lay people can be dangerous

 

I was diagnosed ADHD/OCD when it was practically unheard of +40 yrs ago.  I was insanely picky, too; however, "lay people" advice like what was mentioned is exactly what I experienced.  I ate what was put in front of me or I didn't eat at all...and I dared not scream, throw a tantrum or pitch a fit because I didn't get a bag of M&M's like I wanted.  It's amazing how people my age and long before me survived without all the coddling and excuses.  Kids had autism, ADHD/OCD (even though it wasn't diagnosed back then)...so I wonder what I our forefathers did when they acted that way???  They didn't starve to death because mom certainly couldn't run out to grab a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese back then.

I think far too many parents look to a pill, or make an excuse for everything kids experience these days.  ADHD/OCD is a real issue...I know, I was diagnosed with it; however, it's not an excuse to demand and throw tantrums to get exactly what you want to eat 24X7.  Ironically, it never happens at school or at his dad's house.  Just at mom's.  So, I guess his condition is some completely new medical condition that only happens on weekdays (except Wednesday) from 4-9pm while at mom's, huh?

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

 so he could eat it with a spoon at the table with his Nintendo in his right hand. 

@basil67  Last time I checked a Nintendo isn't required for proper eating.  This kid is playing the mom, he has been getting away with this behavior for far too long.

He'll eat if he gets hungry enough.

[ctwatlanta]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

With all the carbs and fat in mac and cheese, white queso cheese, pancakes and bagels, this kid is not going to starve.

Ironically, his "condition" only arises while at mom's on weekdays from 4-9pm...and never at dad's or at school.  It's because he has to eat what's provided at school and dad will whip his butt, when he gets out of line... but I'm the evil, mean bully for cutting up with him by asking mom, "Where's my mac & cheese, too?" at dinner.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

I was diagnosed ADHD/OCD when it was practically unheard of +40 yrs ago.  I was insanely picky, too; however, "lay people" advice like what was mentioned is exactly what I experienced.  I ate what was put in front of me or I didn't eat at all...and I dared not scream, throw a tantrum or pitch a fit because I didn't get a bag of M&M's like I wanted.  It's amazing how people my age and long before me survived without all the coddling and excuses.  Kids had autism, ADHD/OCD (even though it wasn't diagnosed back then)...so I wonder what I our forefathers did when they acted that way???  They didn't starve to death because mom certainly couldn't run out to grab a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese back then.

I think far too many parents look to a pill, or make an excuse for everything kids experience these days.  ADHD/OCD is a real issue...I know, I was diagnosed with it; however, it's not an excuse to demand and throw tantrums to get exactly what you want to eat 24X7.  Ironically, it never happens at school or at his dad's house.  Just at mom's.  So, I guess his condition is some completely new medical condition that only happens on weekdays (except Wednesday) from 4-9pm while at mom's, huh?

Are these the types of conversations you had with his mom?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I do not think making fun/teasing the kid about the mac 'n cheese falls into the category of teasing a special needs kid. In fact, it's very inclusive of him, being as this is the way you treat everyone else.

What he is doing is demanding and it has nothing at all to do with his neurological issue. He can still have the foods which have textures that suit him without screaming about it. The teasing has nothing to do with the fact that he has singled out the mac 'n cheese as being his choice. It has everything to do with being loud and obnoxious because I'm assuming he has control over the decibels his voice reaches.

Teasing him about the rocking back and forth and slapping his belly would definitely fall into the category of bullying a special needs kid.

It is clear he's a spoiled brat, besides being special needs. There are plenty of special needs kids who are not spoiled.

I have an ex whose parents were both severely handicapped. One was blind and traveled the nation by himself without a service dog. The one thing their parents did was to teach them to function in a normal world.

I'm editing this to add: It's very possible your teasing highlighted to your gf her own inadequacies in her parenting. She didn't want to hear the kid scream and she didn't want to hear anyone mention it. She wanted to ignore it, thereby hurting her own son. She really was mistreating him by not teaching him better.

That said, as you now know, you didn't help yourself by teasing him about it.

This mom either doesn't know how to correctly parent her child, or doesn't have the energy to do it.

You are far better off without being involved in this mess.

I wonder (there's no way to know) if one of the reasons the parents divorced is because of the difference in their parenting styles. Evidently the dad had a lick of sense and the kid respects boundaries when at his dad's house.

This poor boy! Not only does he have autism. He also has a mom who's letting him grow up to be obnoxious. In a sense, that's abusive toward the boy. He would fit into society much better if he's taught to be respectful. Thankfully, he has a dad with common sense.

Edited April 20, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

Ironically, his "condition" only arises while at mom's on weekdays from 4-9pm...and never at dad's or at school.  It's because he has to eat what's provided at school and dad will whip his butt, when he gets out of line... but I'm the evil, mean bully for cutting up with him by asking mom, "Where's my mac & cheese, too?" at dinner.

You just confirmed that the child is playing the mom to get what he wants.  This child is not severely and profoundly mentally handicapped, he is an opportunist and quite intelligent.  He knows how to get what he wants, which includes playing his video games while he eats... his way.

[ctwatlanta]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

My father worked with the mentally handicapped for 32 years.  One thing he always told me is that these individuals can learn a routine or task.  You have to be patient, but they learn and they remember.  Unless the particular individual was severely and profoundly mentally handicapped they could learn tasks, routines and they followed them.

One of the first tasks they are taught is meal time.  How to set a table, serve food, how to clean up after dinner, wash dishes, etc.

From your description this child is NOT severely and profoundly mentally handicapped  He has the ability to learn structure and routine, thus he can participate in meal time, properly.

 

 

Heck no he's not even remotely severely handicapped!  He's in all gifted classes at school and he doesn't act this way at his dad's house when he visits...only at mom's house.

Her son will literally sit at a dinner table with an entire bowl of melted white queso that you get from a Mexican restaurant, and he eats the entire bowl with a spoon...and while eating it he just lets it run down his chin, on his shirt, into his lap, etc.  My 9 yr old sits across from him and stares at him like he's got mushrooms growing out his ears!  She tried to get him to eat a plain cheese quesadilla last weekend and he started crying at the table until he got his entire bowl of melted queso to eat with a spoon.  No chips...just a spoon.

[ctwatlanta]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are these the types of conversations you had with his mom?

I certainly would have had I known there was an issue.  I guess I never did due to her laughter at my, "Where's my mac & cheese, too?" comments.

[basil67]

Was the boy himself laughing over your mac and cheese comments?  Did he have the confidence to tease you back?   Alternately, if he'd told you "F off with your "jokes", would you have respected this?   And for the record, I used adult language here to see if there were also power dynamics at play:  A kid who is being teased by an adult should be able to give it back in an adult kind of way.  

That said, given that your ex also laughed with you, I'd say she dumped you for another reason.   Still though, doing it by text strongly indicates that she really, really didn't want to talk with you.  

Edited April 20, 2021 by basil67

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

Nonetheless, I am completely open to constructive criticism and I want to learn from my mistakes.  In this case, I guess your advice is to never ever cut up with someone, right?

No. That's not my advice at all (btw, you come across as dismissive and condescending when you respond like that; I'm pretty sure my responses to you have been more nuanced than you seem to believe).

My advice is to resist the urge to be aggressive/to feel sorry for yourself when you feel you're being criticized (e.g. in your interaction with basil67 here). Take a step back from the situation and try to imagine how it may look from the other person's  eyes. Then see if doing that gives you new insight into the situation, your behavior, or how the other person reacted to you. 

Also, if you genuinely want to understand why someone behaved in a way that doesnt make sense to you, focusing on what she "should" have done is not going to get you anywhere. You should be more focused on figuring out whether you missed something during your interactions with your ex. You say she seemed 100% on  board with your behavior. Is it possible there were signs of ambivalence but you didn't recognize them for what they were? Has she previously done other stuff that suggested she was a people-pleaser and couldn't voice her disagreement openly? It's also worth asking yourself whether the way you reacted in different situations could have led her to believe that you wouldn't respond well to criticism/a different opinion.

You dont have to answer the questions here. Just reflect on them and see where they lead you.

Edited April 20, 2021 by Acacia98

[Negotaurus]

People are different, not everybody views teasing the way you do. 

I believe I have tough skin, but a little while ago I was involved with somebody who was constantly nagging at me and "jokingly judging" everything I did. It was fine for a while, very funny I guess, but eventually most get sick of it. 

I think what you did was a lot less than what happened to me personally, but considering that she played pretend with you for an entire weekend and then dumped you via text, perhaps she was easier to piss off. Some mothers also selfishly choose to be in denial and end up raising their kids into precious little cupcakes while, like somebody else said, the world will not give a damn about the issues we have. I have schizophrenia and I make it through everyday, often struggling, but I make it. All thanks to the fact that my parents pushed me.

[elaine567]

It's  the very last straw that breaks the camel's back.
She no doubt put up with your "teasing" until one day it just wasn't funny any more.
She I guess humoured you, but the teasing hurt and she then had had enough.
It is very wearing having to keep fending off such "jokes". There is many a  true word spoken in jest and whilst "jokes" can make a relationship better, they can also break it too.

The mac and cheese comments were a step too far. 
She is no doubt fed up and frustrated and in fact worried about her son's behaviour and his dietary habits, but instead of being understanding and being empathetic you chose to make a joke out of it, a joke out of her and her son... not funny.

As for the text message, she probably knew you would try to cajole and even bulldoze her into sticking around, so at least with a text message she could state her piece and not have to get into an argument.
It probably was a very mature thing to do in the circumstances.

Edited April 20, 2021 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

She needs to protect her children, not her BF.

Unfortunately you're not compatible.

You and your children's mother need to get along better.

Your exgf and her kids father are the only ones who have a say in this boy's life.

She did the right thing ending the misery for her son and you without an in person confrontation.

She most likely spoke to her friends and family and they advised her in this case to end it with a little drama as possible.

 

[HiCrunchy]

Mocking a child like that is bullying. An adult should be setting the kid straight, not mocking their tantrums?????

[ctwatlanta]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

No. That's not my advice at all (btw, you come across as dismissive and condescending when you respond like that; I'm pretty sure my responses to you have been more nuanced than you seem to believe).

My advice is to resist the urge to be aggressive/to feel sorry for yourself when you feel you're being criticized (e.g. in your interaction with basil67 here). Take a step back from the situation and try to imagine how it may look from the other person's  eyes. Then see if doing that gives you new insight into the situation, your behavior, or how the other person reacted to you. 

Also, if you genuinely want to understand why someone behaved in a way that doesnt make sense to you, focusing on what she "should" have done is not going to get you anywhere. You should be more focused on figuring out whether you missed something during your interactions with your ex. You say she seemed 100% on  board with your behavior. Is it possible there were signs of ambivalence but you didn't recognize them for what they were? Has she previously done other stuff that suggested she was a people-pleaser and couldn't voice her disagreement openly? It's also worth asking yourself whether the way you reacted in different situations could have led her to believe that you wouldn't respond well to criticism/a different opinion.

You dont have to answer the questions here. Just reflect on them and see where they lead you.

Thanks, Acacia.  I'm sorry if I came across as dismissive and condescending yesterday.  My emotions were, and still are, very raw.  I'd come on here literally a couple of hours after receiving her text.  I was hurting terribly yesterday and I guess I just wanted comfort vs having to look in the mirror at what I could have done differently.

After laying in bed tossing and turning all night in tears I came to realize that if someone was acting that way to my little girl and constantly teasing I'd have eventually gotten upset, too.  However, I think I still would have handled it differently and told the person that what they were saying was hurting me and let them see how badly it hurt.  I wouldn't have played along so much, kept quiet about it and just left.  I'm not trying to excuse my actions; however, I was never malicious or hateful.  I just picked and cut up too much apparently.  People these days aren't willing to communicate their feelings and I think they find it too easy to walk away from relationships vs try to work through their issues.  My grandparents were married for nearly 70 years and the one thing I learned from them is that if your partner hurts your feelings you have to communicate constantly, be open about your feeling and most importantly WORK together at resolving them.  People today just dump the other person in the most hateful, cowardly ways and are willing to put forth no effort in salvaging a relationship.  They think all they have to do is jump on Tinder and they'll find another one tomorrow.  It's really sad.  I was born in the wrong century.

[ctwatlanta]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Was the boy himself laughing over your mac and cheese comments?  Did he have the confidence to tease you back?   Alternately, if he'd told you "F off with your "jokes", would you have respected this?   And for the record, I used adult language here to see if there were also power dynamics at play:  A kid who is being teased by an adult should be able to give it back in an adult kind of way.  

That said, given that your ex also laughed with you, I'd say she dumped you for another reason.   Still though, doing it by text strongly indicates that she really, really didn't want to talk with you.  

 

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It's  the very last straw that breaks the camel's back.
She no doubt put up with your "teasing" until one day it just wasn't funny any more.
She I guess humoured you, but the teasing hurt and she then had had enough.
It is very wearing having to keep fending off such "jokes". There is many a  true word spoken in jest and whilst "jokes" can make a relationship better, they can also break it too.

The mac and cheese comments were a step too far. 
She is no doubt fed up and frustrated and in fact worried about her son's behaviour and his dietary habits, but instead of being understanding and being empathetic you chose to make a joke out of it, a joke out of her and her son... not funny.

As for the text message, she probably knew you would try to cajole and even bulldoze her into sticking around, so at least with a text message she could state her piece and not have to get into an argument.
It probably was a very mature thing to do in the circumstances.

Having had time to reflect on it all night I can see the wisdom in many of the words people have written here.

I was raw and hurting terribly yesterday (still am) when I came onto the boards seeking advice.  I just laid in bed all night tossing and turning in my own tears.  I admit that if I was dating someone and they poked fun at my little girl I'd eventually get tiresome of it, too.  That said, I would have confronted my partner, sat her down, and explained to her lovingly how her words were hurting me and my child.  If she would have done that with me I would have never poked fun.  She didn't ever do that though.  She laughed along with me most days and admitted that she needed to quit pampering and coddling him.

I certainly wouldn't have come over and spent 3 entire days with her, made plans to go to my cousin's wedding like we did next weekend, picked out what we were wearing to match, and literally sit in her car seat in the driveway going through each others calendars over the next several months to get our beach trip in order.  She literally sat there holding me, kissing me and telling me she looked forward to seeing me tonight for dinner as she sat in her drivers seat.  I told her I missed her already, shut the car door and as she pulled away she blew me a big kiss.  Minutes later after she'd pulled away she sent me the text.  I'm sorry...it was NOT a very mature thing to do in the circumstances.  What mature adults do is sit down together, talk and communicate their issues and work to resolve them.  Nowadays at the slightest hint of trouble people just dump the other person like a rock and they do so in the most horrible of ways...they ghost them or in my case lead them on all the way up to pulling out of the driveway before getting out of sight and sending a text msg.  Most of our grandparents were married for decades.  Mine were married 70 yrs each and they always talked about how difficult things could get, but you work through them and you communicate and love each other.  This didn't happen even remotely.

I admit that I shouldn't have picked and poked.  I just wished she could have sat down with me and told me how much it hurt so I could have known. People are horrible communicators now and I think it's why divorce rates are so high, children are growing up in parentless homes, etc.  People don't want to work on relationships any longer...they think they'll dump you over text or ghost you, then get on Tinder and get the next guy/girl.  It sickening what society is devolving into.

[ctwatlanta]

6 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

People are different, not everybody views teasing the way you do. 

I believe I have tough skin, but a little while ago I was involved with somebody who was constantly nagging at me and "jokingly judging" everything I did. It was fine for a while, very funny I guess, but eventually most get sick of it. 

I think what you did was a lot less than what happened to me personally, but considering that she played pretend with you for an entire weekend and then dumped you via text, perhaps she was easier to piss off. Some mothers also selfishly choose to be in denial and end up raising their kids into precious little cupcakes while, like somebody else said, the world will not give a damn about the issues we have. I have schizophrenia and I make it through everyday, often struggling, but I make it. All thanks to the fact that my parents pushed me.

I agree that everyone is different and looking back I wish I could change how I acted.  It wasn't mature.  I wasn't malicious and it wasn't coming from a mean place in my heart.  I was just poking fun much like I do with my own girls.  I just have to realize that because I can get away with cutting up with my kids doesn't mean I can do so with others.  That's on me 100%.

That said, I know I was never hateful or mean.  I took care of him like he was my own son when she worked her shifts at the hospital.  I just want him to toughen up some and quit all the whining and crying over not getting exactly what he wants because I know how cruel and hateful children can get in Middle and High School.  He will absolutely be the kid that will get picked on relentlessly.  Mom admitted numerous times that she was coddling him and not helping him, but she didn't nothing about it.  Her own elder daughter admitted it and mom's brother literally chewed her out a couple of weeks ago for it, too!  Nonetheless, I should have done more and not acted the way I did.  I didn't help the situation and that's absolutely my fault.  I just wish she would have sat me down, talked me and told me how much it hurt her, etc.

[mark clemson]

What's odd here isn't the breakup by text (common these days) but perhaps doing so immediately after a great weekend with little warning. It's hard to know exactly why that occurred the way it did, but THAT IMO is what's really a bit "off" here.

Notwithstanding the above, I think part of her decision is she ultimately decided you weren't the guy to be step-parent to this her specific kid (despite probably having many other good qualities). It sounds like perhaps you got a bit too comfortable and perhaps she was being conflict-avoidant and/or not giving quite enough signals to you.

Another possibility that hasn't been mentioned is that she has, or has traits of, BPD. People may jump on me for suggesting this possibility (NOT a "diagnosis"), but being very "into" someone and then suddenly flipping on them IS supposed to be a characteristic of that. Just a thought/further possibility.

At any rate, I think the advice to come to grips with this, whatever the root causes, take it as a lesson learned, and move on after some processing is what you need to do at this point.

[Happy Lemming]

@ctwatlanta From your posts, I get the impression her child and his behavior got on your nerves.  The atrocious eating habits, the nintendo while eating, the screaming at the top of his lungs for food at 4:30pm, etc.  I get it...   Add to the fact, the child knows this behavior is unacceptable because he doesn't do it at his dad's house or at school (only with the mother).  His actions are unacceptable in polite society. 

Again, even a mentally handicapped child can learn routine and understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

I do have a "side question"... Was her child compassionate around animals/pets??

 

[ctwatlanta]

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

What's odd here isn't the breakup by text (common these days) but perhaps doing so immediately after a great weekend with little warning. It's hard to know exactly why that occurred the way it did, but THAT IMO is what's really a bit "off" here.

Notwithstanding the above, I think part of her decision is she ultimately decided you weren't the guy to be step-parent to this her specific kid (despite probably having many other good qualities). It sounds like perhaps you got a bit too comfortable and perhaps she was being conflict-avoidant and/or not giving quite enough signals to you.

Another possibility that hasn't been mentioned is that she has, or has traits of, BPD. People may jump on me for suggesting this possibility (NOT a "diagnosis"), but being very "into" someone and then suddenly flipping on them IS supposed to be a characteristic of that. Just a thought/further possibility.

At any rate, I think the advice to come to grips with this, whatever the root causes, take it as a lesson learned, and move on after some processing is what you need to do at this point.

Hi Mark...  Agreed.  That's what killed me the most.  The "out of the blue" aspects of the breakup that hit me between the eyes.

I'm not embellishing remotely when I say that she spent 3 days here Friday - Monday and we laid in bed, took baths together, went to winery, sex, laughed, went out to dinner with my family Saturday, etc...and then Monday morning we got up, she packed her bag to go home and we spent 15 minutes in the driveway holding each other, kissing, reviewing calendars and talking about this upcoming weekend for my cousin's wedding and dinner that we were supposed to have tonight as well as a beach trip sometime over the Summer.  She kissed me one last time when she got into her car, told me she'd see me tonight, and pulled out of my driveway...and then blew me a kiss as she drove away.  A few mins later once she got on her way I got the text stating that it was over and that she couldn't be with a man that made fun of her son/people with disabilities.  She had all weekend to sit down with me, tell me that I was hurting her feelings, etc...but she never said a word.  I tried calling 2X and got ignored, and I sent her a text 2X and she finally responded in a very abrupt manner saying, "I'm at my sisters so if you've got something to say we can talk later."  That was it.  Never heard from her again and I don't think I should chase her...she walked out, not me.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

I tried calling 2X and got ignored, and I sent her a text 2X and she finally responded in a very abrupt manner saying, "I'm at my sisters so if you've got something to say we can talk later."  That was it.  Never heard from her again and I don't think I should chase her.

No you do NOT chase her... Weak men beg a woman to come back.  If she does come back, her and the child will have the upper hand and treat you like a servant.  Is that what you want??

Don't call, again... Don't text, again...  You never should have in the first place.  She made her position clear in the text, time to move on.  

Once you replace her, you'll be much happier not having that ill-mannered child around screaming for his soupy mac and cheese.  Good riddance.  Plenty of women out there...  You are going to do do fine.  The pandemic is lifting, people are starting to get back to their normal routine and in no time you'll have someone new in your life without all of that trauma and drama.