Dumped via a text msg. What kind of adult does that?

[ctwatlanta]

44 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@ctwatlanta From your posts, I get the impression her child and his behavior got on your nerves.  The atrocious eating habits, the nintendo while eating, the screaming at the top of his lungs for food at 4:30pm, etc.  I get it...   Add to the fact, the child knows this behavior is unacceptable because he doesn't do it at his dad's house or at school (only with the mother).  His actions are unacceptable in polite society. 

Again, even a mentally handicapped child can learn routine and understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

I do have a "side question"... Was her child compassionate around animals/pets??

 

Hey, Happy...missed your insight and advice.    Last night was horrible...didn't sleep and couldn't get it off my mind all night.  Just laid in bed waiting for sunrise. Still can't eat.

They had no pets, but I do have a dog and her son never pet him or socialized with the dog.  He's a really sweet little pug that will try to lick and play with him, but her son ignored him like he didn't exist.  He only cared about his Nintendo.  Nothing else in this world matters.

He was an extraordinarily sweet boy that didn't have a mean bone in his body.  That said, yes, it was primarily his eating behavior that got on my nerves.  As mentioned,  I didn't get upset over the things he couldn't control (eg rocking back and forth, jumping up and down, slapping himself when excited, etc) as those things are subconscious and he doesn't even realize he's doing it.  However, the eating habits annoyed me...especially when the mom would openly admit that she was a big part of the problem and constantly caving into his whims was not helping him.  I came to realize that for her it was easier to cave and give him what he wanted vs stand her ground and fight him.  Again, I was never malicious or mean even remotely, but I did mimic him and cut up about the mac & cheese thing.  I treated him absolutely no differently than my 9 yr old...with the exception of his subconscious ticks that he couldn't help.  I'm just upset as to how she handled things the most.  She could have sat me down, explained that my behavior was hurting her feelings and that it needed to stop.  I'd have never done it again.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

They had no pets, but I do have a dog and her son never pet him or socialized with the dog.  He's a really sweet little pug that will try to lick and play with him, but her son ignored him like he didn't exist.  He only cared about his Nintendo.  Nothing else in this world matters.

Early in my father's career (when he was working with the mentally handicapped) he noticed how the individuals (he worked with) were very compassionate with animals, caring, etc.  It seemed to be a trend that he noticed time and time again.

I do think there is something going on with the child in question, but I also think his behavior is correctable and does not rise to what is considered "mentally handicapped".  Again, it appears the mother does not want to put in the effort to correct the behavior and would rather "coddle" him then prepare him for Jr. & Sr. high school and eventually for the real world.

[ctwatlanta]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

No you do NOT chase her... Weak men beg a woman to come back.  If she does come back, her and the child will have the upper hand and treat you like a servant.  Is that what you want??

Don't call, again... Don't text, again...  You never should have in the first place.  She made her position clear in the text, time to move on.  

Once you replace her, you'll be much happier not having that ill-mannered child around screaming for his soupy mac and cheese.  Good riddance.  Plenty of women out there...  You are going to do do fine.  The pandemic is lifting, people are starting to get back to their normal routine and in no time you'll have someone new in your life without all of that trauma and drama.

My gut says to make zero effort again.  My family wants me to talk to her just to see if it was a big misunderstanding and that a simple discussion could set the record straight...  In the scheme of things her reasoning isn't some massive issue that a simple discussion couldn't have resolved.  If she didn't want me to poke fun then she should have sat me down, told me it hurt her feelings and I wouldn't have.  Problem solved.  However, that never happened, which is why my family wants me to reach out, state my case and then if she still wants nothing to do with us then so be it.  That said, I'm currently on the path of no contact again.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

That said, I'm currently on the path of no contact again.

Great... stay the course!!

Do you really want to put up with that child??  You know they are a package deal and his behavior is only going to get worse.  Don't you think you (and your children) deserve better than to put up with this nonsense??

When you mentioned the queso cheese incident my mind was blown.  The child knows how to eat properly and yet makes a huge mess for the attention it gets him. 

The mother and father should be a united front.  If the child doesn't do this stuff at his father's house, why should it be acceptable at the mother's house??

[ctwatlanta]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

Great... stay the course!!

Do you really want to put up with that child??  You know they are a package deal and his behavior is only going to get worse.  Don't you think you (and your children) deserve better than to put up with this nonsense??

When you mentioned the queso cheese incident my mind was blown.  The child knows how to eat properly and yet makes a huge mess for the attention it gets him. 

The mother and father should be a united front.  If the child doesn't do this stuff at his father's house, why should it be acceptable at the mother's house??

It's really, really hard, Happy...but I am going to stay the course.  I would have absolutely no issues putting up with a child like him "if" the behaviors I've mentioned were corrected.  I can deal with all the other subconscious behaviors...but the eating habits and mom's unwillingness to address them and make excuses for his behavior is what annoyed me to the Nth degree.

Just last weekend we sat at a Mexican restaurant, and I hated Mexican restaurants because I know exactly what is going to happen...  Nonetheless, we went and sure enough he immediately wanted his bowl of white queso dip.  It embarrasses me to watch him eat it while my 9 yr old sit right next to him eating properly.  He didn't have a spoon the moment the bowl of queso arrived so he picked up his fork and began eating it.  Yes....a fork.  As you can imagine it was dripping all over the place as he tried scooping melted white queso into his mouth.  Running down his chin, onto his shirt, onto the table, into his lap, etc.  To top it off once he completely eats it all he picks the bowl up and starts licking it at the table and then takes his fingers and tries to scrape every bit out.  I just sit there mortified and keep my mouth shut.  Mom just ignores it and goes about eating her food.  Once he ate the bowl of queso with a fork she ordered him a cheese quesadilla...he started crying because he was going to be made to eat it.  So, he got it, split it open and used his fingernails to scrape the cheese out of it to eat it.  Mom did make him eat most of it though.  I realize he's got ADHD/OCD but he's a 9 yr old boy in gifted classes and not a 3 yr old with Down Syndrome.

[Negotaurus]

36 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Early in my father's career (when he was working with the mentally handicapped) he noticed how the individuals (he worked with) were very compassionate with animals, caring, etc.  It seemed to be a trend that he noticed time and time again.

Excellent point. I’m not all that wise, but I have quite a bit of experience with others that have mental health issues. They say animals have often been an escape and a source of (unconditional) love and understanding for people who struggle with mental health, I have animals myself, they’ve changed my life. 
 

Hope I won’t sound mean here, English is not my first language and I do struggle a bit, but some ill-tempered kids were also placed into the groups I attended when younger. No diagnosis, just bad attitude, most spoiled rotten and very rude. I cannot remember a single one of them even taking a second look at our therapy dog. I believe most were too busy thinking about what they want and when they want it. No compassion or empathy outside of that. 
 

I know not all mentally ill people are a fan of animals, but I think sometimes it’s quite telling. 

[Snow_Queen]

Even if she did bring this issue to your attention prior to ending it, I don’t think this relationship is worth pursuing. If you don’t like the way she parents, it’s likely going be a difficult challenge to change that. I’m not saying she’s not at fault for the kid’s behavior. It’s really hard to be the person trying to get the message across to the other parent. It usually makes the other parent feel defensive. This can turn into more arguments, etc.
 

In the end, staying will probably lead to resentment and frustration toward one of both of them. You already seem to have that building.

Edited April 20, 2021 by Snow_Queen

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

I'm not embellishing remotely when I say that she spent 3 days here Friday - Monday and we laid in bed, took baths together, went to winery, sex, laughed, went out to dinner with my family Saturday, etc...and then Monday morning we got up, she packed her bag to go home and we spent 15 minutes in the driveway holding each other, kissing, reviewing calendars and talking about this upcoming weekend for my cousin's wedding and dinner that we were supposed to have tonight as well as a beach trip sometime over the Summer.  She kissed me one last time when she got into her car, told me she'd see me tonight, and pulled out of my driveway...and then blew me a kiss as she drove away.  A few mins later once she got on her way I got the text...

There is something really off about how this transpired. People who genuinely love and are invested in a relationship don't/can't flip it off like a light switch even if there's a reason (barring something truly egregious). Most of the posts here are exploring whether her stated reason was justified. Nobody needs justification to end a relationship; if you loose that lovin' feeling you can end it. Nobody is perfect, so when we're in a relationship we have to accept the whole person, quirks and all. I agree with the consensus regarding the mocking, and in fact I believe you stay completely separate from the other's parenting and child behavior issues. You provide input only when asked, and even then you tread very lightly. Now, with all of that out of the way...

I think she was a pretender. She pretended to love and care about you; she played the part like an actor in a play, and she had you playing the opposite role. Why? To assuage loneliness, to try and have her needs met. This is something that I've come to believe is much, much more prevalent in dating as older adults. As we mature some [many, not all] lose whatever it was that allowed us to fall-head-over-heels in love as youngsters. We protect our hearts, our egos, and our pride. The cost of that is building walls, and giving up the potential to really get that lovin' feeing again. Sometimes people go through the motions, pretend, and find someone to play the opposite role. If they check enough boxes it can be convincing for awhile. But what they really have is someone who occupies a position –– someone they care about in the way they care about a comfortable chair. Then one day some little thing doesn't sit just right... there isn't a solid foundation underlying the relationship. A minor irritation, probably combined with the novelty having worn off, and the irritation trumps whatever it was you thought you had with them. Is such a person going to worry about how to tell you? Hell no. Fire off a text and it's done. These people are really good at identifying people who do actually attach and become invested. I won't go into the psychological aspects, I've come to think of them as empty vessels.

Edited April 20, 2021 by salparadise

[Alfano]

I think you missed a lot of cues. She laughed when you poked fun but that was because she felt uncomfortable.

There was probably lots of other things that you just completely missed and she felt uncomfortable speaking to you about and communication was so bad that she felt should couldn't break up face to face therefore the text.

At least you figured out finally that what you said about him was completely wrong. At first you were defensive but at least you learned from this.

 

[ctwatlanta]

3 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

It’s really hard to be the person trying to get the message across to the other parent. It usually makes the other parent feel defensive. This can turn into more arguments, etc.

You hit the nail on the head with that comment. It is really really hard to convey issues you may have with another parent's kid. I broached the subject with her many times, and each time she admitted that her coddling was causing more problems than helping. She went so far as to tell him in front of me that she was going to seek therapy for him and that he was going to start changing his eating habits. However, they were very hollow words and she never followed through on anything. Of course I began to feel resentment because I was trying to raise my 9-year-old an entirely different way that completely contradicted the way she was raising her 9 yr old. I don't think his issues were anything that couldn't be overcome, but I never saw any attempts to make progress. In fact, last weekend I tried to intervene a bit by a jokingly telling him that we were going to have broccoli, and he had a complete meltdown at the table crying weeping and throwing a tantrum. Mind you, this is a 9-year-old boy. Not a 3-year-old. Of course he got what he wanted which was his usual mac and cheese. In the end, I know deep down that part of the reason why I'm mimicked him was the only way I could show his mom my displeasure.  Looking back it was entirely the wrong way to handle it. I should have been more patient and understanding. It wasn't my position to try and change his behavior. I just knew that if we were going to have a life together that there was no way that I could raise my 9-year-old one way and her 9-year-old could eat gummy bears and mac and cheese if he wanted. I pushed it too hard, too fast.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

As you can imagine it was dripping all over the place as he tried scooping melted white queso into his mouth.  Running down his chin, onto his shirt, onto the table, into his lap, etc.  To top it off once he completely eats it all he picks the bowl up and starts licking it at the table and then takes his fingers and tries to scrape every bit out.  ...used his fingernails to scrape the cheese out of it to eat it. 

This is how an animal eats... not a human being. 

You should have taken your daughter, got up and left.  If the mother wants to condone such a spectacle... let her, but I would want no part of this behavior, nor should your 9 year old daughter be subject to this.  I would say you owe your 9 year old daughter an apology for making her sit through a meal with this mess going on next to her.

 

[ctwatlanta]

48 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

This is how an animal eats... not a human being. 

You should have taken your daughter, got up and left.  If the mother wants to condone such a spectacle... let her, but I would want no part of this behavior, nor should your 9 year old daughter be subject to this.  I would say you owe your 9 year old daughter an apology for making her sit through a meal with this mess going on next to her.

 

Hey, Happy...ironically I did have to explain the situation to my daughter afterwards, and that he was a special kid, etc.  In other words, I made excuses for him, too.  She thought it was really weird.  She's a very outspoken little girl and she told my now ex that she had never seen anyone eat that way or act that way.  My now ex just laughed.  I thought it was odd that she laughed as I'd have been mortified as a parent.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

 That was it.  Never heard from her again and I don't think I should chase her...she walked out, not me.

Yeah. Agree with others, don't chase. She's apparently "flipped" on you (for whatever reason). She knows where to find you IF she figures out that she wants to (and IF you're willing to take her back after all this). If it was me, I wouldn't be holding my breath, nor do I think I'd be overly interested in taking her back after something like this.

Edited April 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[ctwatlanta]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah. Agree with others, don't chase. She's apparently "flipped" on you (for whatever reason). She knows where to find you IF she figures out that she wants to (and IF you're willing to take her back after all this). If it was me, I wouldn't be holding my breath, nor do I think I'd be overly interested in taking her back after something like this.

As much as I want answers and closure I'm not going to chase...  You're right.  She knows where to find me if she wants to speak.

[LivingWaterPlease]

ctwatlanta, your ex has some deep seated problems of her own with behaving the way she did, leading you on and then sending the break up text soon afterwards. This is not the type of person I'd want to be involved with even as a friend, much less as a SO. I wonder if she has borderline personality disorder. This is the type of thing someone like that would do.

[Wiseman2]

Well her kids come first. So when you have a conflict with them, she'll have to jettison the BF.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if someone breaks up via text, talk, in person, smoke signals, whatever.

It doesn't change the fact that you're incompatible and had issues with her child.

Just walk away. It was coming to the end anyway, this tirade about her child was simply the last nail in the coffin.

[Globug]

7 hours ago, ctwatlanta said:

As much as I want answers and closure I'm not going to chase...  You're right.  She knows where to find me if she wants to speak.

If she is someone you truly love & care about & you miss her you can communicate without chasing. A simple "I am sorry I made you feel that way. I love your kid and I did not realize my teasing was coming across that way. I wish you had felt comfortable telling me this to my face so we could have worked through it."

Then leave it at that. That isn't chasing. It isn't confronting. It is just validating you made her feel a certain way, it wasn't malicious & you were not aware how it made her feel, and you wish she had talked to you. 

Communication can be SO difficult among couples. Especially where kids are involved and if she has baggage from a previous relationship & doesn't know how to talk. I used to send my husband letters, emails, or text (he hated it LOL) because he was SO bigger then life I never felt I could get out what I needed to say without being interrupted, told I was wrong, or that I took it the wrong way. I just wanted to be heard & he felt attacked. It has taken years but we both have gotten better at communicating. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Globug said:

. A simple "I am sorry I made you feel that way. I love your kid and I did not realize my teasing was coming across that way. 

Unfortunately I disagree with this. "Sorry I made you feel that way" comes across as passive aggressive psychobabble.

She was right to end it. For me personally, there's no excuse for bullying a disabled child.

[Globug]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately I disagree with this. "Sorry I made you feel that way" comes across as passive aggressive psychobabble.

She was right to end it. For me personally, there's no excuse for bullying a disabled child.

I can understand how it could perceived as Passive Aggressiveness. Maybe more "I am sorry my actions hurt you would be better. See I am still learning how to communicate better LOL

[elaine567]

I think parents need to be very protective of their own children.
Exposing your child to this dysfunctional stuff on a daily basis was not fair to your child IMO.
Be glad for your child that this woman ended it.
 

Also I suggest  to lay off the "teasing" of your own kid. Kids usually need building up and whilst building resilience is key, it is not a good idea to keep making cutting remarks as a "joke".
One day she may realise just how nasty some of these remarks were and take them to heart.
Good kids usually want to please and whilst they may, (like your ex), laugh them off to please you or to mask discomfort, it doesn't mean they are necessarily laughing inside.
Leave the rough stuff to adults who can take it, or not...
 

[Justanaverageguy]

On 4/20/2021 at 2:39 PM, ctwatlanta said:

I certainly would have had I known there was an issue.  I guess I never did due to her laughter at my, "Where's my mac & cheese, too?" comments.

Honestly reading through the entire thread.
- The way your ex treated her child and the behaviour she allowed.
- The way she reacted to your ongoing joke play/teasing her son - which she was clearly not ok with - but never raised with you.
- The way she still had sex with you even though she was planning to break up and even made plans with no intention to follow through
- Then finally from the way she chose to break up with you via text.

She clearly is very uncomfortable with any form of confrontation or conflict. It sounds like she is the type of person who will avoid this at all costs . Thats why she doesn't confront her son about his behaviour. Thats why she never told you the jokes were offensive. Thats why she didn't cancel the last meeting or say no to sex on the last meeting. That's why she didn't want to break up in person. All actions to avoid any form of confrontations or conflict. 

Based on what she said to you - my guess is she has found the jokes with her son highly offensive from day 1. She just never told you. She likely "nervous/uncomfortable" laughed them off hoping they would stop. Unfortunately you didn't read or perceive this uncomfortableness and you saw this as a green light that she was ok with them. Hard to attribute blame here - I think its understandable that you feel blindsided. But these types of people you have to be more socially aware. Often they will communicate things more subtly - with body language - with voice tone - with mood or even just silence and removing themself from a situation. Essentially with avoidance or passive aggressive behaviour rather then direct communication. 

Based on the type of person I think she is from your summary - this ship likely sailed months ago. It takes a lot for a person like this to actually break up - even if only via text. Because breaking up is a very confrontational thing - which they want to avoid at all costs.  Most likely every time you said the running joke she just kept gritting her teeth and trying to ignore it. The issue is by the time people like this finally do speak up and say something the issue has already built up over a long period of time and often passed the point of no return. Can be very frustrating that they only raise an issue - when the issue is beyond repair. 

Like in an ordinary circumstance the person would tell you upfront the first or second time:  Sorry I don't appreciate those jokes with my son. He has a disability and is extra sensitive with these things so would appreciate if you didn't do that.  No harm no foul - you don't do it again and you move on in a more functional relationship. But because of their inabiltiy to speak up and raise issues it allows issues to fester for very long periods and they produce a lot of unspoken resentment and animosity over time. 

Can be very blind siding when you aren't aware of this and take people by suprise. Honestly based on the disfunctional level of conflict avoidance she seems to display - coupled with the issues with her son. Honestly I would mark this one down as a bullet dodged. Will take time for you to move on and process but I think in the long run you will see it as a good thing.

Wish you the best. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, Justanaverageguy said:

 Honestly I would mark this one down as a bullet dodged. Will take time for you to move on and process but I think in the long run you will see it as a good thing.

Wish you the best. 

Totally agree with this entire post. This lady has issues that affect her son's behavior and will affect any R she's involved in. Would be interesting to know the reason behind her divorce. I wouldn't doubt her conflict avoidance and lack of ability to communicate had something to do with it, at least.

Still can't get over her behavior with you that last weekend, and especially looking at the calendar in the car with you, then breaking up! The height of dishonesty.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I think parents need to be very protective of their own children.
Exposing your child to this dysfunctional stuff on a daily basis was not fair to your child IMO.
Be glad for your child that this woman ended it.
 

Also I suggest  to lay off the "teasing" of your own kid. Kids usually need building up and whilst building resilience is key, it is not a good idea to keep making cutting remarks as a "joke".
One day she may realise just how nasty some of these remarks were and take them to heart.
Good kids usually want to please and whilst they may, (like your ex), laugh them off to please you or to mask discomfort, it doesn't mean they are necessarily laughing inside.
Leave the rough stuff to adults who can take it, or not...
 

Also, this is an excellent post! Even though your own children are accustomed to teasing and coming right back at ya, I'd lay off the teasing because:

1. It's teaching them to act in ways that may not be acceptable to others (as you've discovered).

2. And it also could be affecting their self esteem in ways you don't realize. My younger sister was teased relentlessly about her weight by my older brother. He also teased me about an issue, not weight. Although it was done in a goodnatured way my sister still recalls it (and I recall what he said to her, too) and it affects her to this day. His teasing about my issue affected me, too, but my issue was something I could change when I got older. And I did, as soon as possible.

He thought his remarks to us were hilarious and we probably laughed it off. To us, it cut deeply, leaving wounds that are now scars.

Edited April 21, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ctwatlanta]

8 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

ctwatlanta, your ex has some deep seated problems of her own with behaving the way she did, leading you on and then sending the break up text soon afterwards. This is not the type of person I'd want to be involved with even as a friend, much less as a SO. I wonder if she has borderline personality disorder. This is the type of thing someone like that would do.

Hi Living...  I've been broken up with before, and they always hurt...but I could always see them coming.  With those other breakups there were "red flags" and I knew there were serious issues and that it was probably just a matter of time before one of us broke up.  Those breakups aren't nearly as bad as this one because I truly didn't see it coming. 

She and I have never had an ill word with each other, we've never had an argument, etc.  Yes, I had my own annoyances with how I believe she allowed her son to rule the roost at times, but they were just annoyances.  We never ever got into an argument over them.  As mentioned, we literally spent the entire 3 day weekend together loving on each other, making plans for this coming weekend to go to my cousin's wedding, and even spent the last 5-10 mins together while she's in her car in my driveway reviewing calendars to plan a beach trip over the Summer.  Once we agreed on our schedules and dates we hugged and kissed one last time...she backed out of my driveway, blew me a kiss, waved goodbye and then drove down the street.  I walked inside, sat down and then received the text msg that she was dumping me!  I am still in shock...haven't eaten for 2 days, can't sleep.  She didn't return my calls, etc.  I've never experienced anything like this.  Just crushing.

[ctwatlanta]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately I disagree with this. "Sorry I made you feel that way" comes across as passive aggressive psychobabble.

She was right to end it. For me personally, there's no excuse for bullying a disabled child.

Bullying a "disabled child"?  Seriously...  I was diagnosed ADHD/OCD 40 yrs ago in 5th grade, and I was put on Ritalin that I took every single day thru 8th grade.

Her child is ADHD/OCD just like I me but on much better meds than they had back in the 70's.  I was never ever considered a "disabled child", and my parents treated me no differently than my bro's and sister.  He is in gifted classes and ONLY does acts this way at his mom's house.  He does not act this way at school or at his dad's because when he pulls his crap at dad's house his dad whips his butt.  So, to call him "disabled" is a crock of crap.  Should I have poked fun at his "mac & cheese" tantrum that he'd throw almost daily?  No...and I realize that now in hindsight.  I cut up with my kids who are the same ag and poke fun at them when they do silly dumb things and I treated him no differently...and guess what?  They laugh back..  His mom should have sat me down and told me that it really bothered her.  I would have never done it again.