Dumped via a text msg. What kind of adult does that?

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

She and I have never had an ill word with each other, we've never had an argument, etc.  experienced anything like this.  Just crushing.

She has huge issues, low self esteem for one. Consider yourself fortunate to have gotten away from her.

I know you're probably struggling to connect the image of the woman you dated, with the woman who broke up with you. She is very cruel in what she did. Please don't contact her in any way, shape, or form again. She's deceitful and cruel. I cannot stand fakers.

She wore a mask with you. A mask and a costume. She didn't make love to you that last weekend. Her fake personna did. Ugh, so gross. This type of inauthentic behavior is revolting to me.

Edited April 21, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ctwatlanta]

20 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Also, this is an excellent post! Even though your own children are accustomed to teasing and coming right back at ya, I'd lay off the teasing because:

1. It's teaching them to act in ways that may not be acceptable to others (as you've discovered).

2. And it also could be affecting their self esteem in ways you don't realize. My younger sister was teased relentlessly about her weight by my older brother. He also teased me about an issue, not weight. Although it was done in a goodnatured way my sister still recalls it (and I recall what he said to her, too) and it affects her to this day. His teasing about my issue affected me, too, but my issue was something I could change when I got older. And I did, as soon as possible.

He thought his remarks to us were hilarious and we probably laughed it off. To us, it cut deeply, leaving wounds that are now scars.

I don't disagree at all!

When I say I tease, poke fun it's never at things like weight, etc.  You never cross those lines...ever!  For example, my oldest daughter says the word "Like" in every other sentence.  "Like I was going out with my friends, Dad...and like I found this really cool shirt, and like I didn't have enough money at the time so I like had to borrow it from my friend."  In turn, I mock her and start saying it back to her with emphasis on the word "like".  She starts laughing at herself.  These are the types of things I do when I say I poke fun!  I would never say or do anything hateful like poke at someone's weight.  That's horrible.

With my now ex...I only poked fun at him with his "Mom, I want my mac & cheese!" comment.  I'd mimic him and mom and he would laugh.  I just never knew that it was bothering her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

I don't disagree at all!

When I say I tease, poke fun it's never at things like weight, etc. 

With my now ex...I only poked fun at him with his "Mom, I want my mac & cheese!" comment.  I'd mimic him and mom and he would laugh.  I just never knew that it was bothering her.

OK, I get it now.

Well, I also get why you poked fun at his mac & cheese comment. To her, every time you did it, though, it highlighted her parental incompetence. It was actually more about her than it was about her son.

Listen, she's very selfish. If she truly cared about her son, she would help him learn how to be socially acceptable. But, she cares more about the fact that she doesn't want to expend the physical and emotional energy to deal with him.

Also, again, I do not see this as bullying a special needs kid. I do see it as pointing out your ex's incompetence as a parent.

She's a selfish fake person. Now she won't even respond to your calls. Selfish again. She cares more about her discomfort than your feelings of bewilderment and pain at being mistreated. Yes, you were mistreated. And so is her son. He will continue to be mistreated and he will grow into a person no one wants to be around. There are special needs people who are a delight to be around who have been taught respect for others. I know and love some of them.

[ctwatlanta]

5 hours ago, Justanaverageguy said:

Based on the type of person I think she is from your summary - this ship likely sailed months ago.

Thank you for the great thoughts, Justanaverageguy.

Having had time to reflect I agree with virtually everything you said, except this last comment.  Perhaps you're right and the ship did sail long ago, but we live nearly 1.5 hours apart...and if the ship had sailed long ago why would she still take the time out of her very busy schedule to drive up here weekly to spend 2-3 days together?  If it was over even a week ago I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would have driven 1.5 hours up here on Friday like she did...after pulling a 12 hour nursing shift at the hospital.  Instead, she drove up here, spent the weekend with me, visited my family with me, literally made plans with my sister and me on what to wear next weekend at my cousin's wedding, etc....and then as she pulls out of my driveway sends me a breakup text?!?!  Just makes no sense.  Seemed so impulsive.

[LivingWaterPlease]

5 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

  Just makes no sense.  Seemed so impulsive.

Borderline personality disorder. I know my responses about this woman have been strong against her. But, she truly has huge issues. The issue is HER, not her son. See how she has left you confused and hurt? That's the way she lives her life.

Listen, people treat you the way they treat you because of who they are, not because of who you are. I guarantee you this is the way she does all of her relationships. She wears a mask because her self esteem is too low to face who she is and to deal with it, or because she's just too darn self-centered to care about others. So everyone else in her orbit gets mistreated and possibly blindsided eventually.

I probably need to stop posting on this one. She disgusts me so much with her fakeness! Fakiness? Whatever!

Edited April 21, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ctwatlanta]

2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

OK, I get it now.

Well, I also get why you poked fun at his mac & cheese comment. To her, every time you did it, though, it highlighted her parental incompetence. It was actually more about her than it was about her son.

Listen, she's very selfish. If she truly cared about her son, she would help him learn how to be socially acceptable. But, she cares more about the fact that she doesn't want to expend the physical and emotional energy to deal with him.

Also, again, I do not see this as bullying a special needs kid. I do see it as pointing out your ex's incompetence as a parent.

She's a selfish fake person. Now she won't even respond to your calls. Selfish again. She cares more about her discomfort than your feelings of bewilderment and pain at being mistreated. Yes, you were mistreated. And so is her son. He will continue to be mistreated and he will grow into a person no one wants to be around. There are special needs people who are a delight to be around who have been taught respect for others. I know and love some of them.

Thank you, Living!!!  You're one of the few that finally gets what I've been trying to say. 

So many here have hammered me as if I was attacking some poor mentally handicapped disabled child, and that's the furthest thing from the truth!  There is nothing wrong at all with him other than his "ticks" that come from stemming.  I was diagnosed 40 yrs ago ADHD/OCD and I have similar ticks to this day...and I'm not remotely "mentally disabled".  Her child is in all gifted classes and the issue I had was how he acted at mom's house, but not at school or at dad's.  She even admitted on several occasions that she was part of the problem and needed to stop coddling him!  Like you said, my impersonating his, "Mom, where's my mac & cheese???" comment that he makes every single day was really aimed more at mom as I wanted her to notice how incredibly stupid it was that she allowed it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

Thank you, Living!!!  You're one of the few that finally gets what I've been trying to say. 

So many here have hammered me as if I was attacking some poor mentally handicapped disabled child, and that's the furthest thing from the truth!  There is nothing wrong at all with him other than his "ticks" that come from stemming.  I was diagnosed 40 yrs ago ADHD/OCD and I have similar ticks to this day...and I'm not remotely "mentally disabled".  Her child is in all gifted classes and the issue I had was how he acted at mom's house, but not at school or at dad's.  She even admitted on several occasions that she was part of the problem and needed to stop coddling him!  Like you said, my impersonating his, "Mom, where's my mac & cheese???" comment that he makes every single day was really aimed more at mom as I wanted her to notice how incredibly stupid it was that she allowed it.

Yep, and she knew it, too. It was not about making her son uncomfortable. It was about her selfish self. She knew she was doing a poor parenting job (abusive IMO) and your comments underscored that to her.

That said, it was good you talked with her about it. Since she didn't rise to the occasion of listening to your advice by dealing with her son, she was showing you how she dealt with every other issue in her life; by ignoring it.

Then she super ignored breaking up with you by the way she handled it.

The hard thing about this is coming to grips with the fact that you were never in a relationship with the woman you thought you were dating. You were in a relationship with a person who had a very weak sense of self, and who is incompetent. You are fortunate to be away from her but it's going to take some time to come to grips with that fact, as you continue to recall the "good times," which really weren't that good at all, being as they masked the real woman.

Edited April 21, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[ctwatlanta]

11 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Yep, and she knew it, too. It was not about making her son uncomfortable. It was about her selfish self. She knew she was doing a poor parenting job (abusive IMO) and your comments underscored that to her.

That said, it was good you talked with her about it. Since she didn't rise to the occasion of listening to your advice by dealing with her son, she was showing you how she dealt with every other issue in her life; by ignoring it.

Then she super ignored breaking up with you by the way she handled it.

The hard thing about this is coming to grips with the fact that you were never in a relationship with the woman you thought you were dating. You were in a relationship with a person who had a very weak sense of self, and who is incompetent. You are fortunate to be away from her but it's going to take some time to come to grips with that fact, as you continue to recall the "good times," which really weren't that good at all, being as they masked the real woman.

Admittedly, I worried about how we could raise our 9 yr olds under the same roof...with such different parenting styles.  My 9 yr old gets up each morning, makes her bed, cleans her room, gets dressed on her own and comes downstairs where I have breakfast made.  Her kid, on the other hand, has never made a bed in his life and she practically has to dress him in the morning, etc.  I make a really nice dinner almost every single night that might be a salad, baked trout, and rice pilaf, etc.  I like to sit at the dinner table as a family, we hold hands, pray together, eat and clean up together.  Her son, on the other hand, sits by himself at 430 in the afternoon and eats his soupy mac & cheese by himself while playing Nintendo and then mom and older daughter eat later separately.  Don't get me wrong...I know it's easy to sit here and talk about the bad things, but she has some incredible aspects, too...and that's what I fell so hard for.  In fact, for the last 2 months we've looked at homes together, etc.  So, again...it caught me off guard and just hurts very badly.

[Alfano]

1 hour ago, ctwatlanta said:

 my impersonating his, "Mom, where's my mac & cheese???" comment that he makes every single day was really aimed more at mom as I wanted her to notice how incredibly stupid it was that she allowed it.

She noticed. I hope it was wort it.

[ctwatlanta]

2 minutes ago, Alfano said:

She noticed. I hope it was wort it.

I've always known that she noticed it...she laughed most times.  I just wanted her to recognize that it was incredibly dumb (IMO) that she allowed a 9 yr old to act that way.

I didn't think it bothered her though.  Now I know.

[Alfano]

13 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

I've always known that she noticed it...she laughed most times.  I just wanted her to recognize that it was incredibly dumb (IMO) that she allowed a 9 yr old to act that way.

Yes you said that already.

She recognized it.

 

[Allupinnit]

I'll bet that there were other reasons as well she dumped you over text and it might have just been easier to point to your *clearly* huge issues with her son.

On that - I'm a stepparent and I have not been perfect in my role, but I have LEARNED through empathy and understanding that there are just things that I'll never have control over.  One was how crappy my SD ate when I met her and the lack of discipline from my H.  

I said all of the same things you are.  "When I was a kid..."  "Well she should have..." "I can't believe you're..." and on and on and on.  And guess what?  It never got us anywhere but angry and frustrated.  My H felt criticized, my r'ship with my SD was strained, I felt unheard and that my opinion didn't matter.  And I am the WIFE!  Not even just the new boyfriend like you were.

But you know what?  Maybe the way WE were raised isn't the only RIGHT way.  Who's to say that just because our parents made us sit there for hours and finish food we hated, we should inflict that on other children?  Why are we determined to see that someone else's kids are being raised the way WE were?  Being forced to eat liver and onions didn't teach me a lesson, it was almost traumatic the way I had to gag it down.  Ever sworn off tequila or Jack Daniels because of a bad encounter?  Same concept.

Either way, it's certainly not up for YOU to decide, that ship sailed LONG before you came along.  A step parenting podcast I listen to (seriously a life saver!) went alllll into this, even down to the science of children's taste buds and how they're trained with processed foods and yeah, broccoli COULD seem traumatic to a kid with eating issues and patterns already established with his mom, and coming from YOU (the big man who makes fun of him) I'm sure it was even more unwelcome. 

I'm not saying that your ex is parenting well, but she sounds like a busy single mom with a challenging son and maybe the food thing was one battle she just didn't want to have anymore.  You don't know what struggles she may have faced trying to get him to eat "healthy" foods.  Again - it's NOT your job, and to make fun of him/her on top of all of that was egregious.  

I feel like a huge part of this stems from our own inner child wanting some company in their misery, it makes you feel not so alone if you see other kids suffering from the same fate you had to. 

Food for thought, because at your age chances are you'll date another mom.  We can only change ourselves.

 

 

[Allupinnit]

Also remember that kids have control over so very little in their lives, with food being the one thing they CAN control, which is why it can be a source of contention between kids and even their own parents.

[ctwatlanta]

6 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Also remember that kids have control over so very little in their lives, with food being the one thing they CAN control, which is why it can be a source of contention between kids and even their own parents.

I think you made some great points, and I appreciate you making them.  I don't disagree with much of what you said, and that the way I was raised or the way I raised my girls has to be the "right way". 

However...and I say this as honestly as I can without being sarcastic - is a kid just supposed to rule the roost and whatever he/she demands is what's given?!?! 

So, if the kid wants a bag of M&M's for dinner, and if you don't give it to them they can throw a tantrum, yell, cry, whine, etc...until he/she gets what is wanted, right?  That's basically what was happening every single meal of every single day.  In the morning if he didn't get his bagel (slightly toasted) with whipped cream cheese he'd throw it out and eat 5 bags of gummy bears (which I witnessed), and if he didn't get his peanut butter sandwich (creamy peanut butter only with white bread) then he'd just whine relentlessly and not eat it at all...and God forbid if you didn't make EXACTLY his specific type (Kraft) mac & cheese very soupy like water and no later than 5pmEST then he'd literally throw a complete tear-filled tantrum while playing his Nintendo every woke moment of the day.

Again, what you may have missed is he ONLY acted this way at mom's.  When at dad's he ate regular meals at the table with the rest of the family because dad made him.

The issue really wasn't the boy...it was mom not willing to put her foot down, but instead allowing a 9 yr old boy run the house.  I was a single dad raising 2 little girls ALONE, working full time and getting my MBA at night and my kids never were allowed to act that way.  We are all busy single parents so making the excuse that "she's just a busy mom and didn't want to deal with it" is probably very true...but it's not the way to raise children IMO.

[basil67]

No, a kid is not supposed to act this way.    If the parent can't address the behaviour alone, then they need to engage professional help which is tailored to the child and their learning needs.   In the case of this lad, he needs an occupational therapist and a nutritionist.  I also suspect that his rocking, jumping up and down, slapping himself is self stimulatory behaviour (a coping mechanism) and he possibly needs an assessment for ASD.   

However, I believe your response to her parenting was (and still is) vastly inappropriate. 

* Not all kids with ADHD are the same, therefore, what worked for you  as a child won't necessarily work for him

* Continually citing how successful you are (you've done it multiple times here) in raising your children does not help another parent who's child has different needs.  If anything, it demonstrates arrogance along with a lack of support and compassion.

* mimicking a child on a daily basis in order to show the mother how much you disapprove of the behaviour has to be the dumbest communication strategy ever.   Why didn't you speak to her ONCE  like a grown up, telling her how you felt - instead of doing this daily?  If telling her once didn't change things, then why would you think that this mimicry would help?

* you've faulted your ex for not telling you that your mimicry was bothering her. But given how you've written here, it stands to reason that she would have assumed that you'd respond with "well it doesn't bother my kids and I'm a good parent/he's being annoying/everyone is so PC and nobody can make a joke anymore/you should change how you parent him".   At no point in this thread have you written that with hindsight it was poor behaviour on your part  and that you regret it.  She knows how you operate - so there was no point in her saying something.

*  yes, the boy may eat well at his father's.   But you also mention that dad will whip his butt.   Eating because you're terrified of a beating sets up a whole unhealthy dynamic in itself.   As for eating at school, I'd be interested in what they serve. If it's all processed food like so many school cafeterias, then yes, he probably will eat it.   

All that said, this was not a good family situation to be in and it's good that you're out of it - both for you and for them.  The mother needs help and I hope she reaches out to some professionals. 

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by basil67

[Noproblem]

well. Her kid has mental disability and making fun of him in front of others was "the biggest crossing the line" you did.

I guess she wanted to have final goodbye, where everything was normal, you had a happy weekend together, and did nice things, that was your final encounter and she wanted it to be a beautiful one. 

She ended it in a text because she can't confront people.

She actually wants you to fight for her and tell her you'd change and not mock her little baby.

 

But the truth is you are disgusted with this kid, you can't love because he is different, he acts different and he embarss you and bad influence to your little girl and on top of that the mom is enabler and also a door mat.

He can be a very gifted kid with picky diet and  I know you wanted the best for him, but one hand can't clap right?

His mom doesn't want what's best for him!

Not your fight, you also have a little girl, you have to protect her!

So eventually, this will only get worse! 

You can't save them! You can't change them! The kid might get better with time.. but it won't be with teasing or with his mom treatment..or his dad beating!
He needs better treatment and he won't get that, so he'll have so many health issues because of his diet and lack of exercise!

 

Too bad, but too good too, because it won't be your problem!

 

Even if you stay single, so what? Better than that headache! 

You haven't seen him as a teenage yet! he'll wreak havoc!

 

Remember he has mental illness, he will not be normal, he will never be normal, and you being in his life will only make him hates himself even more!
He'll always be abnormal, not accepted by many! The last thing he needs is someone to make fun of him at home and be embarrassed by him, do you think he doesn't know he is disgusting? 

he actually needs his mother to be a real mom and take him to therapy and his dad to man up to be a real dad not a fake one!

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Noproblem

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Noproblem said:

She actually wants you to fight for her and tell her you'd change and not mock her little baby

Not necessarily.
I didn't get that impression at all.

[Allupinnit]

Well you can sit there and be right on your high horse (ALONE), or you can learn how to be in a healthy relationship that focuses on connecting - considering that 3/4 of second marriages break up when children are involved I'd say there's more important things to focus on than pizza vs. carrots (which again, is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS).

[ctwatlanta]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, a kid is not supposed to act this way.    If the parent can't address the behaviour alone, then they need to engage professional help which is tailored to the child and their learning needs.   In the case of this lad, he needs an occupational therapist and a nutritionist.  I also suspect that his rocking, jumping up and down, slapping himself is self stimulatory behaviour (a coping mechanism) and he possibly needs an assessment for ASD.   

However, I believe your response to her parenting was (and still is) vastly inappropriate. 

* Not all kids with ADHD are the same, therefore, what worked for you  as a child won't necessarily work for him

* Continually citing how successful you are (you've done it multiple times here) in raising your children does not help another parent who's child has different needs.  If anything, it demonstrates arrogance along with a lack of support and compassion.

* mimicking a child on a daily basis in order to show the mother how much you disapprove of the behaviour has to be the dumbest communication strategy ever.   Why didn't you speak to her ONCE  like a grown up, telling her how you felt - instead of doing this daily?  If telling her once didn't change things, then why would you think that this mimicry would help?

* you've faulted your ex for not telling you that your mimicry was bothering her. But given how you've written here, it stands to reason that she would have assumed that you'd respond with "well it doesn't bother my kids and I'm a good parent/he's being annoying/everyone is so PC and nobody can make a joke anymore/you should change how you parent him".   At no point in this thread have you written that with hindsight it was poor behaviour on your part  and that you regret it.  She knows how you operate - so there was no point in her saying something.

*  yes, the boy may eat well at his father's.   But you also mention that dad will whip his butt.   Eating because you're terrified of a beating sets up a whole unhealthy dynamic in itself.   As for eating at school, I'd be interested in what they serve. If it's all processed food like so many school cafeterias, then yes, he probably will eat it.   

All that said, this was not a good family situation to be in and it's good that you're out of it - both for you and for them.  The mother needs help and I hope she reaches out to some professionals. 

 

Hi basil...I really do appreciate you taking the time to write it out and think through it.  I'll respond to each of your points.

* Yes, his rocking/slapping/jumping up and down is stemming (stimulation behavior) and that did not bother me even remotely.  It's completely subconscious.  He has been to therapists and they've diagnosed him as ADHD/OCD.  He's on some type of med that's given at night.  I don't recall the name.

* My citing how I raised my children has only been done here.  I never once tried to compare my kids to her kids when speaking with her.  As far as support and compassion goes - I read and researched continually on children that were overly picky, and I would summarize plans (ie Tiny Tastes) and other well-researched/documented plans to help children overcome it.  I'd provide them to her and ask her how I could help.  She would literally tell me that "Many of his problems are because she coddled and babied him" and that she was going to seek therapy for him, but it never happened.

* I've said several times here that I wish I could go back and undo my behavior.  I openly admit that I shouldn't have poked fun and mimicked the, "Mom, where's my mac & cheese???" comment.  It was stupid and immature.  I had talked to mom about the issue several times (see prior bullet on research I'd done, etc) and all to no avail.  In fact, it was starting to cause issues at my own home.  I made a broccoli casserole one night 2 weeks ago and my 9 yr old daughter moaned and groaned about how she didn't want it and made the biggest deal about it.  I was surprised because she never complains; however, she wanted to know why she had to eat this when her 9 yr boy got to eat whatever he wanted!  Looking back I know that my behavior was my very dumb way of trying to get mom to do something.  I'd do anything to go back and handle it differently.

* I don't necessarily agree with your point about being terrified of his dad because he was forced to eat something nutritious without pitching a fit.  The boy had made up his mind that he liked what he liked and he wanted what he wanted...and because mom ALWAYS gave him EXACTLY what he wanted when he threw a tantrum then I believe he played her IMO.  Again, please remember...she said herself that she knew she was a big part of the problem!  So, when I hear the mom say that she knows she's a big part of the problem, but then does nothing about it I got more and more annoyed...especially when I was trying to help by doing research, etc..  Did you see my comment about how he ate white cheese queso at Mexican restaurants?!?!  That has ZERO to do with ADHD/OCD...and I mean ZERO!  He ate as if he was a 3 yr old toddler letting it run down his chin, onto the table, into his lap, etc...all because he had a Nintendo in his right hand and he'd use a spoon or even a "FORK" to literally scoop up queso into his mouth 2 ft away from the table and leave a trail of cheese queso from the bowl to his mouth....and then he'd pick the bowl up, lick it and use his fingernails to scrape the remnants out.  Sorry, but there is nothing you will be able to say to convince me this is appropriate behavior that can't and shouldn't be immediately corrected.  I was always embarrassed and mortified for the other patrons in the restaurant and my own kids that had to sit there and witness it while mom just sat there and ate her tostada.  Again, he has ADHD/OCD...and in all gifted classes.  He's not a 3 old toddler with Down Syndrome.

Once again, for the record - I was very wrong in how I handled the situation.  As a parent I'd get defensive and angry if I felt someone was picking on my kid, too.  I do wish I could go back and do it over.  I handled it wrong.  I just got frustrated when I felt like no progress was even attempted to be made...just excuses and turning a blind eye.  I got even more frustrated when I saw that how her 9 yr old son was allowed to do whatever started to effect my 9 yr old daughter and she wanted to be allowed to eat whatever, too.  Imagine being my 9 yr old daughter and we all sit down at the dinner table as a family, I've prepared a nice meal and there's her 9 yr old son sitting on the couch playing Nintendo eating his bowl of mac & cheese that he demanded each day.  My 9 yr old would want to know, "Why do I have to sit here and eat XYZ and he gets whatever he wants every single meal of every single day...and he gets it by crying, pitching fits and throwing tantrums?!?!  Hmmmm...maybe I'll try that tactic, too!" 

Again, I should have been more patient and supportive.  I wasn't trying to be hateful or hurtful.  I just wanted my voice heard and I did it entirely the wrong way.

[ctwatlanta]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Well you can sit there and be right on your high horse (ALONE), or you can learn how to be in a healthy relationship that focuses on connecting - considering that 3/4 of second marriages break up when children are involved I'd say there's more important things to focus on than pizza vs. carrots (which again, is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS).

I never said I was "right"...  I said I was frustrated at the lack of effort to try.  I got tired of hearing mom say that she knew she was a big part of the problem...BUT THEN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT!  If you and I were in a relationship, looking at homes together, etc...and I kept telling you over and over and over that I knew I was part of the problem and that I needed to stop babying, coddling all the time, but then did nothing about it...wouldn't you get frustrated, too???  Besides, it is 100% my business if I'm expected to be a father figure in the home 100% of the time...oh, except when it came to her son and his tantrums.  I'm just supposed to ignore it, turn a blind eye and tell my kids that it's okay...he can get whatever he wants, but you can't.

[Allupinnit]

Does it EVER occur to you that maybe she doesn't think she needs your help correcting her parenting?  Dude you need to just step off with the food thing.  It's not going to change.  Why does it matter to you so much?  It's not even your step kid.

You both are coming to this parenting with completely different perspectives and world views.  I'm exhausted just reading your post about how much you dislike what this kid eats.  Nacho kid, nacho problem.  

A piece of advice from another stepparent - you can't CARE more than the parents do.  It's a losing battle.  You tell your daughter that you're HER parent and she has to do what YOU say.  Same goes for this boy.  

There are so many resources out there to learn how to navigate these delicate situations if you care to educate yourself.  Keep doing what you're doing, though, and you'll keep getting the same result.

[Happy Lemming]

@ctwatlanta I was thinking more and more about the restaurant incident.  When we were kids going to a "sit-down" restaurant, it was a special treat.  We wore our "Sunday Best" clothes and my sister and I acted like proper little ladies and gentlemen.  We used our silverware, wiped our mouths and acted appropriately.  My parents also used each outing as a teaching moment, as my sister's and my behavior was a reflection on them. 

When this incident happened at the restaurant with the queso cheese, it was a reflection on you as the "father figure" in the situation.  The waitress and the other patrons (in the restaurant) didn't know you were not his father.  You were the male at the head of the table and looked the part, so yes his tantrums and atrocious manners are a reflection on you.  

You have stated that the child doesn't pull this crap with his father, nor at school.  I'm sure this child has been to a restaurant with his father and doesn't act this way, so why should the mother accept this awful behavior?? For some reason, she has decided not to correct it and not allow you to correct it.  This is not doing the child any good.  The child's behavior is only going to get worse, be glad both of them are out of your life.

[ctwatlanta]

41 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@ctwatlanta I was thinking more and more about the restaurant incident.  When we were kids going to a "sit-down" restaurant, it was a special treat.  We wore our "Sunday Best" clothes and my sister and I acted like proper little ladies and gentlemen.  We used our silverware, wiped our mouths and acted appropriately.  My parents also used each outing as a teaching moment, as my sister's and my behavior was a reflection on them. 

When this incident happened at the restaurant with the queso cheese, it was a reflection on you as the "father figure" in the situation.  The waitress and the other patrons (in the restaurant) didn't know you were not his father.  You were the male at the head of the table and looked the part, so yes his tantrums and atrocious manners are a reflection on you.  

You have stated that the child doesn't pull this crap with his father, nor at school.  I'm sure this child has been to a restaurant with his father and doesn't act this way, so why should the mother accept this awful behavior?? For some reason, she has decided not to correct it and not allow you to correct it.  This is not doing the child any good.  The child's behavior is only going to get worse, be glad both of them are out of your life.

Happy, you and one or two others are the only sensible people on this board... 

It amazes me how so many here say I should have butt out/stayed out/ignored it/it's not my problem, etc.  When you're in a long term relationship with someone that's discussed marriage...and knowing that you will be the primary father figure in the child's life shouldn't it be expected that I have some say in how the child conducts himself/herself at ALL TIMES???

According to some here, I guess I should be father figure just 90% of the time, and keep my mouth shut and turn a blind eye the other 10% when the child can act/do however he/she pleases as it pertains to certain things.  You can bet your ass that some of these same people would expect me to be father figure 100% of the time when it came to paying the bills, fixing crap around the house, protecting, etc.  Yeah...that makes total sense.

I swear I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone reading some of the ridiculous things.  The logic here by some is just ridiculous.

[basil67]

@ctwatlanta It would appear I've misunderstood a lot of the situation.  Thank you for clarifying.  

I 100% agree with you that this child's situation is untenable and unhealthy.  But I've got to say, not only am I a special needs mother, but I've also worked in the sector.  And from what I've seen your ex partner's inertia is sadly not uncommon.  And when it comes to therapy, much of the teaching is actually about teaching the parent...but if the parent struggles to change their way, then the kid will continue to struggle.    Good for you that the kid's stimming didn't bother you, but I wish she'd get more help because I truly believe there's more to it than ADHD.   Of course, that's still on her.

34 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said:

According to some here, I guess I should be father figure just 90% of the time, and keep my mouth shut and turn a blind eye the other 10% when the child can act/do however he/she pleases as it pertains to certain things.  You can bet your ass that some of these same people would expect me to be father figure 100% of the time when it came to paying the bills, fixing crap around the house, protecting, etc.  Yeah...that makes total sense

From what I understand about step parenting (and granted, a lot of it has come from Dr Phil), your main role as a stepfather is to model what a good man is.  But you'd do it in the same way as you would if there were no kids around.  Mainly in showing respect for others.  If you're living together, then paying your way, contributing to housework etc.   Just the normal everyday stuff a guy would do.   Not sure what 'protecting' others would expect you do to because I've never understood the whole thig about man/protector.  

However, the step parent really doesn't get a say in how the other partner's kids are raised.  Of course, you can make boundaries as to how they act or speak to you, but it's up to the birth parent to do the parenting on this.  If the parent doesn't parent adequately, sadly the only real choice is to either accept it or move on. 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

When this incident happened at the restaurant with the queso cheese, it was a reflection on you as the "father figure" in the situation.  The waitress and the other patrons (in the restaurant) didn't know you were not his father.  You were the male at the head of the table and looked the part, so yes his tantrums and atrocious manners are a reflection on you. 

If it's of any reassurance, I would not see this as a reflection on the father thing.   If I was a patron at the restaurant, my default would be to assume there was more to the story.  No judgement coming from me.   That said, as HL pointed out, some will judge others without knowing the full story.   Every special needs parent has had issues with the mean and judgmental members of community.   Special needs mothers get loads of blame for "bad parenting", so it's certainly not specifically a dad thing.   And of the judgmental people, I don't know why they'd only direct their judgement at the person they assumed was father.  It takes two to parent and so if one will judge, they should be directing it at both parents.  I'm mid 50's and I think I was of the last generation where father was disciplinarian.  

[ctwatlanta]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And when it comes to therapy, much of the teaching is actually about teaching the parent...but if the parent struggles to change their way, then the kid will continue to struggle. 

100% agree, Basil.  Ultimately, that's all I was asking for from the mom...just "try" to change her way...just a little.

I knew he was very ADHD/OCD and I knew full well what I was getting into when we first met.  His stimming didn't bother me at all because I was diagnosed decades ago ADHD/OCD and I have my own ticks/stimming to this day.  They put me on Ritalin back in the 70's long before it was hardly hear of!  I guess the thing that affected me most was how mom would openly admit that she was part of the root cause of his problematic behavior...but then would encourage it over and over and over again.

I worried that this was not going to get better with age and how much more difficult it will be when he's a young man raging with hormones at 15 while my 15 yr old daughter is at home.  I grew up with my Down Syndrome male cousin, and when he hit puberty I can assure you that he was insanely strong.  My point is I just wanted mom to try and correct some of the actions that she knew she was contributing to because if you don't do it when their little kids...you're going to have no chance when their teens/young adults.