Dumped via a text msg. What kind of adult does that?

[Justanaverageguy]

On 4/22/2021 at 12:41 AM, ctwatlanta said:

Thank you for the great thoughts, Justanaverageguy.

Having had time to reflect I agree with virtually everything you said, except this last comment.  Perhaps you're right and the ship did sail long ago, but we live nearly 1.5 hours apart...and if the ship had sailed long ago why would she still take the time out of her very busy schedule to drive up here weekly to spend 2-3 days together?  If it was over even a week ago I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would have driven 1.5 hours up here on Friday like she did...after pulling a 12 hour nursing shift at the hospital.  Instead, she drove up here, spent the weekend with me, visited my family with me, literally made plans with my sister and me on what to wear next weekend at my cousin's wedding, etc....and then as she pulls out of my driveway sends me a breakup text?!?!  Just makes no sense.  Seemed so impulsive.

Sure - I guess what I meant is with these types of people they actually don't usually do things impulsively. It takes a lot to get them to actually make a bold change / break up / confront a person about their behaviour or express their displeasure. But that makes it seem impulsive to you - because they don't express their displeasure in a normal way. As a progressive thing which escalated over time. The basically avoid and conceal it - until it reaches a critical breaking point and thats the first you know about it. 

It had been building and building silently in the background and by the time you were made aware she had significant issues, it had already reached the point of no return. As a metaphor the situation is like a dam that had been filling with more and more water over time. You the dam keeper were not aware of the fact it was filling up. The wall has been gradually weakening an weakening until one day it finally reached a critical point and the dam wall completely burst. 

Now to the dam keeper it seems like the dam wall just burst out of no where - but it actually didn't. It was something that tooks months and months of gradual and continual increase in pressure that was weakening the wall until it finally just completely gave way.  In order to save the wall (relationship) there would have needed to be significant changes - stopping the continual inflow of water and structural repairs done to the wall/relationship some time ago - but as these personalities conceal the issues they have to avoid conflict - its hard for partners to be aware of them. Its like the dam has a faulty water level gauge so the dam keeper is never aware there is a problem and its over filling until its too late. 

Hope that makes sense. But like I said she seems to have a really disfunctional level of conflict avoidance - so I don't think its really someone you could ever have hopped to establish a healthy long term lasting relationship with anyway. 

Edited April 23, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[basil67]

This kid needs more than for her to try and change a little.   There needs to be a complete overhaul.  Problem is, if his behaviour leaves her exhausted or overwhelmed, the path of least resistance becomes the default.  I've been there.  

You know, our daughter was raised using good old common sense parenting.  She's now 21 and we've never even had to raise our voice at her.  She's a great kid so clearly, we do know how to parent.   However, regular parenting (boundaries, stability, consequence, guidance etc)  didn't work for our son.  He was raised using text books, visual communications and therapists who'd get to know him, figure out what he'd respond to and made specific programs for him, teaching us how to do it.   Standard good parenting may be a great place to start, but it's far from the answer when things get complex.  

 

[Justanaverageguy]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This kid needs more than for her to try and change a little.   There needs to be a complete overhaul.  Problem is, if his behaviour leaves her exhausted or overwhelmed, the path of least resistance becomes the default.  I've been there.  

You know, our daughter was raised using good old common sense parenting.  She's now 21 and we've never even had to raise our voice at her.  She's a great kid so clearly, we do know how to parent.   However, regular parenting (boundaries, stability, consequence, guidance etc)  didn't work for our son.  He was raised using text books, visual communications and therapists who'd get to know him, figure out what he'd respond to and made specific programs for him, teaching us how to do it.   Standard good parenting may be a great place to start, but it's far from the answer when things get complex.  

 

Off topic - but as to the difference between your daughter and son ...... what are your sons friend group like ? 

I guess this is kind of common sense but I read an interesting study recently that basically said one of if not the biggest influences on childrens behaviour actually the peers/friend groups they fall into at an early age. How this dramatically effects their socio behavioural development and that it is especially pronounced for young boys/men. It claimed this has a much bigger effect on their development then that of the parents. Because thats who they spend by far the most active time with at school and boys essentially rub off on each other. The study showed how "community" actually had more effect on children then individual "family". The old saying it takes a village to raise a kid - but that due to friend groups which form young often based on just chance and dumb luck really significant difference can occur just based on the friend group a person falls into. Just curious from a personal interest level if you notice a pronounced difference in the behaviour of their friends particularly at a young age when in early schooling.

Edited April 23, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[IrinaM]

how long were you two dating?