Wife left me after an 'emotional affair' and continued to see him, and now wants to come back 'home' and try fix things with me

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Well she makes a point of ensuring I know that have "great" sex, but not until after she asked for the separation (like the day after). And you're right the next thing was that they had been kissing etc, which is why she decided to separate properly as (completely her words here) "Didn't want to be called a cheater if she slept with him"

 

Cheater script. Admitted kissing = they had sex.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Marc878 said:

A) She ended the marriage with her affair. At this point he’s just giving her the freedom she wanted when she threw the marriage away. 
B) The only reason she wants back in is her new love dumped her or it didn’t work out like she thought. She could have chosen a different route but chose the nuclear option.

Hmm:

A) THAT is a "philosophical viewpoint". He is the one who would actually be ending the marriage (if he divorces). I am stating facts. A marriage (or really any relationship) boils down to a decision to continue it. Cheating doesn't end a marriage, a decision/action to end it (by either party) does. Even then it has to clear legal hurdles to actually end.

To be clear I'm not blaming him or trying to claim that I'd be taking her back in his shoes or anything like that.

B) I think that is extremely plausible and agree that from everything OP wrote she seems to have attempted to monkeybranch and has now "come crawling back" as they say.

[DKT3]

Love and commitment isn't unconditional,  people can and do participate in activities that make divorce almost a must do.

Ultimately,  who actually fills out the papers are irrelevant because they both know who's actions caused it.

There seems to be a strong sense of not being the bad one here....I know I did this but I'm here now, just accept it and move forward or you're going to ruin the marriage 🤔

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.   But she has betrayed your trust, and she has broken a bond that can never really be rebuilt.  Because of this... you need to go file for divorce.  If you don't, you will be miserable forever, and always be worried that she is off with someone else.  The divorce isn't easy... but it's like a Band-Aid... it only stings for a moment if you do it quick.  OR... it will continue to hurt as you pull slow. 

I was in a 20 year relationship, and my exW went kind of nuts. She started blaming me for 20 years worth of problems, and the majority were trivial.  Sure, I can see from her side that over the years, they would eat at you... but all she had to do is open her mouth, and talk to me.  BUT... she never did, until she was past the "Done" point.   While I didn't think she was having an affair at first... it did turn out that she had "A friend" almost as soon as she moved out.  This friend turned out to be her HS BF.  So, I'm sure she was in an emotional affair WAY before she wanted to be divorced.   

I too was a wreck, and came here for help.  I was crying day after day... and even in airports when traveling for work. But, as my exW got cruller, and meaner... it became easier to just not care about her.  But, I can say... the day she handed me the house key was the day I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.  AND... when the final/official divorce papers came... a female friend and I went for Mex food, and a few Margaritas.   I have been great ever since that day.

Anyway... you need to just get your head on straight... talk with a lawyer... and get things moving.   You don't seem like the kind of person who can be in an "Open Relationship" and no one can live with someone they can't trust. 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[notbroken]

I don't think you'd ever trust her or your relationship again.  As painful as it is, you are likely finished as a couple.  As hard as that is to accept, file for divorce ASAP.  The sooner the better.  Tell her you can't get over her cheating (don't debate it - she did) and you are finished and want to divorce as best as possible for the kids.  Best wishes. 

[S2B]

[]

this marriage was finished a while back. The OP may as well do himself a favor and formally file to have it end (divorce her).

her alliance is elsewhere.

Edited May 12, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to ongoing debate

[Marc878]

OP is obviously faced with a decision.

What does reconciliation of a marriage take ?
 

The truth. Doesn’t seem to me like you have it. Cheaters lie a lot and trickle truth is one of their go to agendas as well as blameshifting.

Remorse not sorry she got caught.

Transparency. Sounds like you don’t know if she’s still with him, seeing him etc.

Her willingness to pull the heavier load. It takes two but she is the one who stepped out of the marriage and directly into the arms of her lover. 

Even if you have all these there are no guarantees. 
 

Don’t gag at a gnat and swallow a camel. No matter what this was/is cheating. She was married to you but having a sexual affair with another man.

Infidelity is a lifelong gift. Ca you live with that long term? Many jump back in only to get major heart burn later.

Repeats happen. The capability is there for her to do this again. Can you live with that? Living the life of a marriage warden looking over your shoulder is a thankless task. 
 

good luck

Edited May 12, 2021 by Marc878

[Missing4]

I had to double check the poster’s name to make sure it wasn’t me, cuz DAMN, that’s the same thing I went through two years ago. 
 

I feel for you, Brendan. It looks like you haven’t started your own journey yet. Sounds like there’s a lot of fears in your heart about what the future holds because it’s completely unplanned for. Life with her is less scary because even though she cheated, you still know SOMETHING. Well, that something is not real. 
 

Why is it that YOU want to be with her? What is it that she can bring INTO your life that will make it better FOR YOU? 
 

Sex? Come on... you can date or even BUY it.

Money? Are you afraid of the finances? 

Losing the kids? Ruining the kids lives? Raising them alone/shared custody? 

The unknown? The gamble of betting on yourself when she’s told you that you’re not a good bet? 
 

Right now, you’re plan B. You’ll aways be plan B with her. Know why? Because you ARE a plan B. Stop. Just stop being plan B for yourself. She isn’t Plan A. The kids aren’t plan A. YOU have to be YOUR plan A, or else the cycle will always continue. 
 

divorce sucks. It hurts. It’s lonely. It’s dark. It’s so god damn scary. But it’s not death. Far from it. 
 

You’re in a dark forest. Thorns all around you. You found someone that had a light, so you decided to cut some thorns and trees in order to build a home. She decided to reach through the darkness for another “potential” life that is just you and the family sitting in the home that you made. She went out and kept coming back through the path she cut, without you. The OM had a light that she liked, but now he took it away. So she crawled back through the tunnel to the place that has light: You. 
 

you have your own light now. And she has her own. Her coming back will blow out your light so you end up depending on hers, again. 
 

but... what would happen if you go back into the darkness of the forest? Making your path through the thorns, which will be filled with so much pain?

 

well, I (and this forum!) will tell you: you begin to strengthen yourself. Your mind and body will begin to get used to the pain. You begin to realize it’s not so bad, this pain. It’s just what you have to do in order to live life! Eventually, you won’t even feel pain anymore. 
 

it’ll take time, but it WILL happen. It took me 3 years to get here. Had a WS and a young girl. We now share custody and I’m moving on with my life, and she with hers  

your wife doesn’t sound like she’s remorseful, AT ALL. I promise you. My god, promise you: As soon as a man with money and excitement comes into her life, she won’t even humour the idea of fixing your marriage. Why? Because you’re plan B. 
 

I bet that a few times, you’re gonna come here and write a response, but delete it because you realize it sounds stupid that you’re not following your own advice. But, eventually, when you can admit to yourself that it’s truly over, you will crash. You will feel utter pain and loss. You will feel rage. But, you will grow. You’ll be a Plan A guy. 
 

think about how many friends and relationships you’ve had. Did your life end when they disappeared from your life? No. And just like now, don’t be afraid of the thorns. The only way out, is through. 

[emprosnet7]

@Br3nd4n

She would like to eat the cake and eat it too. Keep the marriage and have her love affair that excites her. Can you live with that?

Ex-wife of a friend actually proposed this to him, stay together for the kids and have their own lovers. He turned down that offer, good for him.

I suppose the kids are around 12 years old. Prepare for divorce and try to stay close to the kids.