Ex's friend wants to hang out

[GloriaDaisy]

Me and my ex broke up 4.5 months ago.  Its been a lot of layers of pain that i have worked so hard to heal from. I think the biggest set back was keeping in regular contact with my ex and doing favors such as dog sitting for him while he was keeping his new girlfriend a secret.

I asked him during that time if he was dating anyone new and he lied and said no. I was about a few days later after giving the dog back I discovered the new GF. After some more info I discovered he was seeing her literally weeks after us breaking up.

I have become friends with my Ex's good friend, as we all hung out in a group setting. They were roommates last year as well. My ex didnt like the fact the friend and I would text very casually from time to time just to say Hello. Nothing more. But, after the break up, I called the friend to talk. I was hurting a lot and needed someone to talk to. The friend was very supportive, and very intellectual. I found him to be a solid person that listened to me. He seemed pretty good at not speaking about the HE SAID/ SHE SAID thing. Again I really appreciated his insight and support.

We talked 2x on the phone and texted several times but i havent seen him in  6 months back when me and my ex were still together. The weird thing is the friend has met my exes new girlfriend. Theyre friends on social media too. This created weird feelings for me. 

The friend reached out to hang this weekend since we tried to make plans a couple months ago but he had to work. I am second guessing to agreeing to this. I have been feeling isolated lately, so being around friends has been critical to my healing. I really liked this friend as he was uplifting to be around. Hanging out might be a fun positive experience. he is a positive person.

But, last night I made the STUPID decision to look at my exes social media and it was absolutely devastating. Him and this girl have been going on weekend vacations regularly. Doing all these activities that we used to do. and with his dog that i became ever so attached to .Seeing them together triggered a lot of pain. It has shown me that im still fragile after discovering hes in a full blown relationship. 

I asked this friend to never bring up anything to do with my ex if we hang out and he agreed ..but it almost feels impossible to not ask any questions or hear any comments about my ex. But again this will trigger me. 

Tonight I saw the friend's IG story of him walking on a beach with my exes dog. So that means that they were hanging out today. It feels strange to me.  For him to be hanging with my ex and then days later us hanging out. Does my ex know that this friend and I made plans to hang out? Does he know we talk at all? I am almost certain that it would upset my ex. and it seems disloyal to him?

Should i ask our friend if my ex knows that him and I are friends? 

Should I go about this with an open mind and see the friend as a way to branch out socially? any advice? thank you

Edited April 20, 2021 by GloriaDaisy

[Caauug]

34 minutes ago, GloriaDaisy said:

Should I go about this with an open mind and see the friend as a way to branch out socially?

No. Don't go there. One quick look at the ex's SM sent into a tail spin..... What happens when you are with your ex's friend and your ex and new GF shows up? Maybe a few years down the line you could handle it. Good quality men can't be that hard to find that do not bring up memories of your ex.... You don't need to wallow around in self pity every time your ex shows up to his friend's place.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

I am almost certain that it would upset my ex. and it seems disloyal to him?

Maybe, but if he's in the throes of a new relationship, he might not really care as much as imagine. 

Either way, I would not maintain a friendship with his friend. It's too awkward and will be too triggering for you. I would decline the offer and put some healthy space between you and this friend. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. If there's a lot of pain, the best thing to do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Particularly this guy who wants to hang out.

[elaine567]

Had the friend taken a stance  and chosen a side, ie yours, then it may have been worth a go. Good guys are difficult to find.
But as he is in the middle and he is good friends with your ex and his gf, then trusting him will be hard to do.
How can you pour your heart and soul out to a guy who the very next day may be telling his friend all about it...
You were never the primary friend, so his ultimate loyalty will likely not be to you.
I would pass on the meet up, getting further involved here, is not in your best interests, IMO.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you should hang out with your EXs friend because you can't handle it & it reads like you want to use that guy to keep tabs on the EX.  You need to disconnect on all platforms:  No more dog sitting.  Delete him out of your phone.  Unfriend / unfollow on all social media.  I can't stress that one enough.  You don't need to be looking in on his new life & ripping your own heart out.  

You are no where near ready to date or hang out with a new person, any person.  That person would simply be a rebound.  In the case of the EX's buddy / former roommate you are only there due to the proximity to the EX.  Very unhealthy & very unfair to that poor sap.  

Edited April 20, 2021 by d0nnivain

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, GloriaDaisy said:

Should i ask our friend if my ex knows that him and I are friends? 

No, because you clearly said:

Quote

I asked this friend to never bring up anything to do with my ex if we hang out and he agreed

I wouldn't hang out with him. Of course he's going to go back and tell your ex everything you and he talked about. He is his friend first and his loyalty is with his boy, not you.  IMO, he likes meddling in business that doesn't concern him.

Quote

Should I go about this with an open mind and see the friend as a way to branch out socially? any advice?

No. That's just the lie you're telling yourself to erect your mining operation to get information out of this guy about your ex and his new girlfriend.  Branch out socially in a way where your social sphere never intersects with your ex's sphere of friends.  You need a social life completely separate from him and his boy.

Unless it's your ex who comes to you, asks you for a second chance and declares that he wants to be with you and only you, it's time to cut the line and set them all adrift.

And delete/block everyone's social media who has any ties to your ex.  You will never get past any of this is you keep reminding yourself that you got demoted and dismissed.

Edited April 21, 2021 by kendahke

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are nowhere in a place where you can hang out with your ex's friend and not obsess about your ex.  I am not sure what good can come of this?

If your ex's friend is interested in getting to know you as a friend, then I can't see how that can work as he's always going to mention his mate and you are always going to be wondering. 

If your ex's friend is interested in more of a relationship with you - which seems possible as you got on well - it's not going to be fair on him because you are still stuck on your ex.

I think until you feel you can meet this guy without any worries about your ex or what he is doing, it would not be fair to pursue anything with him.  I know you want a friend but this is likely to be torture for you on one level if not on the friends level.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 4/19/2021 at 11:44 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Tonight I saw the friend's IG story of him walking on a beach with my exes dog. So that means that they were hanging out today. It feels strange to me.  For him to be hanging with my ex and then days later us hanging out. Does my ex know that this friend and I made plans to hang out? Does he know we talk at all? I am almost certain that it would upset my ex. and it seems disloyal to him?

It seems like interacting with this friend is giving you a way to hang on to your ex, because you don't want to let go.

On 4/19/2021 at 11:44 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Should i ask our friend if my ex knows that him and I are friends?

It's obvious this is what you're hoping for, that your ex will find out, become jealous and want you back.

On 4/19/2021 at 11:44 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

Should I go about this with an open mind and see the friend as a way to branch out socially?

There are many, many, many other people you can branch out socially with besides the friend of your ex.

On 4/19/2021 at 11:44 PM, GloriaDaisy said:

My ex didnt like the fact the friend and I would text very casually from time to time just to say Hello.

This is precisely why you chose this person to talk to. If you keep talking to this person, you are only going to delay your own healing. Your ex has moved on and is in a solid romantic relationship with someone else. It's time to lose hope of getting back together.

[ShyViolet]

You should not hang out with this friend.  You are still way too hung up on your ex, and being involved with this friend is too triggering for you.  You need to stop looking at your ex's social media and obsessing over everything he is doing.  It doesn't matter whether he has a new GF or when exactly they started dating.  Frankly it is none of your business.  For your own mental health you need to block your ex's social media.  Don't associate with your ex's friends.  You say you don't want him to bring up your ex, but then you look for clues about your ex in the friend's social media account.

[flitzanu]

i can't imagine this is "friend" is such a "great" guy as you're painting him to be, as it seems he's trying to bang his best friend's ex girlfriend, and that's a little uncouth.