Phased out by friend group - I'm boring

[soheartbroken]

I am truly devastated tonight. There is (was) a group of five of us. I have known three of them for seven or eight years, and we have many, many memories together.

We became very close during the pandemic, and basically only associated with each other.

When I went through a break up a few months ago, they were all there for me (some more than others).

Over the last few months, however, I started to feel myself being phased out. As is super common these days, we are all in a group chat. It started with a few messages where the four of them were planning to get together, but no one had directly invited me. It stung, but I tried to brush it off and did not say anything, and carried on like all was fine.

Lately, these group plans with just the four of them have become more frequent. It's right in my face in this group chat, but I'm not invited. Every day the plans seem more in my face. It's gotten so bad (in my view, anyway), that it almost seems like they are daring me to quit the chat. Sometimes someone will ask me in the chat, "where are you XXXXX?", but this is very halfhearted, and to be honest, it's almost gaslighting at this point (you know, making it seem like I should participate in the conversation, meanwhile giving me the cold shoulder).

I know why this is happening. I am the boring one. I am quiet and shy, especially in groups, though when I drink with these girls I can be slightly more outgoing. I can meet new people and hold a conversation, and with a couple of the girls one-on-one the conversations can flow. But over time, my introversion, shyness, and quietness has obviously worn them down. I am nice, inoffensive, and not socially awkward (other than being somewhat quiet). I am a good listener, and I definitely do not monopolize the conversation. However, I'm not the life of the party, I'm not silly, and I'm not exciting. To be honest, when I was going through my break-up, that probably made me slightly more "interesting" for a short time, since it was a conversation topic. (I don't talk about my ex anymore, unless directly asked, so it's definitely not the case that I wore everyone down by talking about my ex).

I am on the brink of losing all of these friendships. I am very close to just leaving the group chat, but I don't want to be dramatic about it. If I try to talk to only one of them to confirm what is going on, they will all gossip about it. So no point in doing that unless I'm prepared to call it fully quits.

A couple of these people were really good to me, for many years. And they saved me in the first months of my break-up, and gave me the strength to let go of a toxic relationship. This group, for the first time in my life, made me feel like I "belonged" somewhere, and I truly thought I would retire at some cottage with these women years down the road. None of us has children.

This isn't a college or teenage drama; we are all in our mid-late thirties. I haven't come for advice on how to be less "boring". Given my age, I'm not going to suddenly become a social butterfly. I have already worked on my shyness, with good results; however, going any further would just make me inauthentic. Some people are just more quiet and introverted.

I am at my lowest. Especially with the pandemic, the days now just stretch ahead, empty. The group chat gives me daily anxiety, and I think about it way more than my ex. I have two friends outside the group that I see occasionally, but they don't fill the time or the void. Being rejected by friends is even more devastating than a breakup, and I can't talk to anyone about it because it feels so shameful. Way worse than being dumped. If I tell my other friends, the rejection will spread like a virus.

Sorry that this is long and depressing. (I am not negative when I'm around them). If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have said I had a wonderful group of supportive friends.

As I get closer and closer to "quitting" the group, and thoughts on what you would do? How would you handle it? Anyone else feel this way? I don't find many stories like mine...

[Happy Lemming]

Friendships come and go... I do think that in some circles there is an expiration date, where the friendship runs it course and its over.

If I were feeling kind of "boxed out" and not invited, I would just participate less and less and fade away. 

You'll make new friends... be yourself and enjoy life your way, even if its by yourself.

When the pandemic is fully over, plan a nice trip/adventure for yourself... go have fun.

As an example, my girlfriend does not like camping, so I'm planning a solo camping trip to Joshua Tree National Park.  This National Park is on my "bucket list" and I'm going alone and enjoy myself and take in the experience/adventure.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

First of all, realize that many of us have down periods in our days when we can't connect with any friends because everyone is busy doing something else.

There are some things I'd recommend to you. The first is to find new friends. I know covid is happening but life is going on in ways around us. You could volunteer in some way to help the less fortunate, for instance.

Another thing I'd do (which I do, do!) is to pray about it and read scripture daily. The Psalms in the OT and the book of John in the NT are great places to begin.

I would also take up some interesting activity that appeals to you. You could study it on Youtube if you can't get out to do it.

[d0nnivain]

I think your low self esteem is making this into something it's not.  So I'd ask or at least chime in.  I'd probably try humor.  Next time you see one of these meets forming, say something like "Is this an invite only thing or can I come along too?"  I suspect they will say yes & welcome you with open arms because even though they haven't reach out individually they thought you were pulling away.  

I have a similar thing with a club I belong to.  Nobody from there has reached out throughout the pandemic unless they needed something.  Nobody just say hey how are you to me or my husband.  We did get invited to a huge party last August which we did not attend because we felt it was unsafe.  I had to mute several of them on social media because I didn't like their hate politics.  But I saw a few yesterday & they were warm enough.  

So as hard as it feels, assert yourself.  

[soheartbroken]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Friendships come and go... I do think that in some circles there is an expiration date, where the friendship runs it course and its over.

If I were feeling kind of "boxed out" and not invited, I would just participate less and less and fade away. 

You'll make new friends... be yourself and enjoy life your way, even if its by yourself.

When the pandemic is fully over, plan a nice trip/adventure for yourself... go have fun.

As an example, my girlfriend does not like camping, so I'm planning a solo camping trip to Joshua Tree National Park.  This National Park is on my "bucket list" and I'm going alone and enjoy myself and take in the experience/adventure.

 

Thank you for your reply, Lemming.

I was hoping that I had finally found the friends that would not "go". Seriously, just months ago we all used to talk about retiring somewhere together. This is the only group I have ever been friends with as an adult. I form individual friendships, but I've never belonged like this before.

If I happen to meet more friends, the same problem will arise. I can't hide boring forever.

What I am doing now is fading away.

I had hoped to try a dating profile soon (just to meet people, nothing serious), but this has been such a punch in the gut, that I don't want to put myself out there.

 

[soheartbroken]

9 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

First of all, realize that many of us have down periods in our days when we can't connect with any friends because everyone is busy doing something else.

There are some things I'd recommend to you. The first is to find new friends. I know covid is happening but life is going on in ways around us. You could volunteer in some way to help the less fortunate, for instance.

Another thing I'd do (which I do, do!) is to pray about it and read scripture daily. The Psalms in the OT and the book of John in the NT are great places to begin.

I would also take up some interesting activity that appeals to you. You could study it on Youtube if you can't get out to do it.

I have recently taken up a new activity, and it was great for a month. I'm starting to think now, what's the point? Sure, it can make for a conversation topic once or twice, but in the end, I can't disguise my true self, which is someone a little bit...dull. Anyway, I will try to persist with it.

My problem is that I like to be around people, I like to be included, but I'm not exciting enough to keep around in a group for long. People don't dislike me, at least not that I can tell. I just don't bring anything unique to the table.

I would like to volunteer and join new things. This seems very impossible at the moment as we are under strict lock-down here.

[soheartbroken]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I think your low self esteem is making this into something it's not.  So I'd ask or at least chime in.  I'd probably try humor.  Next time you see one of these meets forming, say something like "Is this an invite only thing or can I come along too?"  I suspect they will say yes & welcome you with open arms because even though they haven't reach out individually they thought you were pulling away.  

I have a similar thing with a club I belong to.  Nobody from there has reached out throughout the pandemic unless they needed something.  Nobody just say hey how are you to me or my husband.  We did get invited to a huge party last August which we did not attend because we felt it was unsafe.  I had to mute several of them on social media because I didn't like their hate politics.  But I saw a few yesterday & they were warm enough.  

So as hard as it feels, assert yourself.  

Hi Donnivain,

Yes, I guess I'll have to admit that I have low self-esteem, but I'm not imagining things. Definitely in the beginning, when I started to feel the shift in the group, I tried not to let it become something bigger than it was, I tried not to read too much into things. I still chimed in on the group messages, I still put out feelers for the weekends...it's just gotten to the point now where I don't even want to put myself out there to feel ignored. Plus many of their messages are inside jokes or a comment on things they've talked about at a gathering I was not at.

If I have to ask in a group chat "can I come along, too", that would reek of insecurity in my mind. Like you said, they would very likely say "yes, of course you're invited", but it just draws more attention to the situation that everyone can see unfolding (my exclusion). Everyone can read the group messages. They know I am reading them. They know I know that there is a plan, and they know no one has invited me. If they cared for me to come, they would just say so, either in the group chat or they would private message me.

How I see this playing out, is they will start a new chat just the four of them. Not even purposely to exclude me, it will just happen that they travel somewhere and create a new event group. and they won't come back to the old chat.

I'm obviously feeling very defeated. I really have tried over my life to be a bit more interesting, but there is only so much you can do. I will let you all know how it plays out; it's the least I can do.

p.s. last night I felt so down I almost contacted my ex, but I didn't.

[soheartbroken]

Just an added thought. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If I put in more effort, it will come across as "trying too hard", and it will show insecurity, plus open me up to more rejection.

If I slowly stop with the effort, then I will drift out of the group. Which is what is currently happening.

I would almost prefer to drift away than to appear insecure...

Does anyone understand this dilemma?

[Alpacalia]

I have a slightly different perspective.

Do you think long-term friends who tune each other out because someone has a "boring" personality are valuable friendships?

If you enjoy these friendships, however, why not ask your friend(s) if you have done something that has hurt or upset them?

[soheartbroken]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

I have a slightly different perspective.

Do you think long-term friends who tune each other out because someone has a "boring" personality are valuable friendships?

If you enjoy these friendships, however, why not ask your friend(s) if you have done something that has hurt or upset them?

Hi Alpaca,

I know almost for a fact that I have done nothing to hurt or upset anyone. Nothing has happened whatsoever. I've just become the dull one, the fifth wheel who contributes very little socially, and now that my break-up is past the early, dramatic stages, I guess I have even less to contribute. Not that I talked about it much to the group, but they would check in with me.

Your first question is a good one. These friendships have probably been the single most valuable thing in my life over the last seven years or so. In fact, I fought hard to maintain these friendships in the face of my ex...a whole other story. Seems the fight was for nothing.

What is happening certainly sucks, but from their perspective, I might be draining their energy. They likely feel like I'm a tag-along at this point.

[Alpacalia]

Well, if one friend outpaces or exhausts another, we might wonder if such a friendship adds value or just adds fatigue. These friendships seem to be important to you. People are all unique, with varying levels of social involvement. What you interpret as "phasing out" may really be your friends' desire for something completely different.

30 minutes ago, soheartbroken said:

Hi Alpaca,

I know almost for a fact that I have done nothing to hurt or upset anyone. Nothing has happened whatsoever. I've just become the dull one, the fifth wheel who contributes very little socially, and now that my break-up is past the early, dramatic stages, I guess I have even less to contribute. Not that I talked about it much to the group, but they would check in with me.

Your first question is a good one. These friendships have probably been the single most valuable thing in my life over the last seven years or so. In fact, I fought hard to maintain these friendships in the face of my ex...a whole other story. Seems the fight was for nothing.

What is happening certainly sucks, but from their perspective, I might be draining their energy. They likely feel like I'm a tag-along at this point.

 

[Happy Lemming]

I'm seeing a recurring theme of you referring to yourself as "boring".  Who defines what is boring and what is exciting.  Some people enjoy reading a good book, is that boring??  Maybe to some, but not to others.

Cooking your favorite meal (for yourself) again maybe boring to some, not boring to others.

For example, I did some yard work yesterday.  Most people would say that was boring, but the long hedge I trimmed came out beautiful and I was quite proud of myself. Not boring (in my opinion)

Are there some local trails you can hike (by yourself and be socially distant)?? Is there a bike lane in your town, where you can go on a nice bicycle ride?? 

[soheartbroken]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm seeing a recurring theme of you referring to yourself as "boring".  Who defines what is boring and what is exciting.  Some people enjoy reading a good book, is that boring??  Maybe to some, but not to others.

Cooking your favorite meal (for yourself) again maybe boring to some, not boring to others.

For example, I did some yard work yesterday.  Most people would say that was boring, but the long hedge I trimmed came out beautiful and I was quite proud of myself. Not boring (in my opinion)

Are there some local trails you can hike (by yourself and be socially distant)?? Is there a bike lane in your town, where you can go on a nice bicycle ride?? 

Hi Lemming,

To clarify, I mean that I'm boring when we get together. Given our ages, we all do things like cook and read books and grow plants on our own time. Everyone knows I'm the "book-reader". But when we get together, there is a dynamic of jokes and laughter and conversation...and I guess I just don't contribute to the conversation and laughter in the same way. I'm a little more reserved, less confident. I'm sure people are familiar with my type. I'm the "nice" one, I'm always open to hearing about your problems, I'm generally not obnoxious...but I'm also not the "fun" one, or the silly one, or the loud one, etc. I also don't have a backyard, cottage, or boat to offer up for hangouts. Not really things I can do anything about.

It's something I have realized about myself for a while, and I'm coming to terms with it. I know I'm not doing anything "wrong", per se, so there's nothing to really work on.

A hike is a great idea. I have begun taking walks on my own, something I never used to do. I should plan a hike for myself, if the hiking trails open back up.

[mark clemson]

I have found (at 50ish) that ultimately friendships come and go. The vast majority do not last for ever as people and circumstances change. So, if that is your level-set/expectation, you can go forward with that in mind. Be flexible, appreciate what you have for what it is, be open to NEW friendships as you go along in life, and recognize that everything has a shelf life.

[soheartbroken]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I have found (at 50ish) that ultimately friendships come and go. The vast majority do not last for ever as people and circumstances change. So, if that is your level-set/expectation, you can go forward with that in mind. Be flexible, appreciate what you have for what it is, be open to NEW friendships as you go along in life, and recognize that everything has a shelf life.

Thanks, Mark. I am very grateful for these people for the last seven or eight years, so regardless of how this plays out, I will try to maintain that gratitude and perspective.

It's just devastating to lose the feeling of belonging somewhere. I don't have a large family and no children, and I live alone.

I can tell you that these four will likely remain friends until death, so it sucks being the odd one out.

[mark clemson]

7 minutes ago, soheartbroken said:

I can tell you that these four will likely remain friends until death

You may be right, but I'd stay statistically that's not particularly likely. You have my sympathies for your situation nonetheless.

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, soheartbroken said:

It's just devastating to lose the feeling of belonging somewhere. I don't have a large family and no children, and I live alone.

You've got your Loveshack posters... we are here, ready to talk, post, converse, etc.

[serial muse]

Hi OP - I agree with donnivain that maybe you're reading something into these interactions that isn't there? I know you've said that you feel like they have inside jokes and gatherings that you don't attend...but by your own admission you haven't asked anyone about these, so you've come up with a narrative ("they're phasing me out because I'm too boring") that isn't based on anything but your own fears.

Is it possible they really are avoiding you? Sure. But you don't know that. And as a person with social anxiety myself, I totally, totally sympathize with where you are here. I'm just saying that I also know the dangers of trapping myself in my own fears. Nothing isolates you faster than those fears.

Is there perhaps one person among this group that you feel a little more trusting of, a little more comfortable with? Could you try to hang out with one or two of them individually, instead of only as a group? Could you even consider broaching your fears with that one person?

Which is to say - are all of your interactions with these friends in a group setting? Because I suspect that some of them might also have individual friendships with particular members within the larger group (as is normal!) and that perhaps that's where those inside jokes and common references come from. Not excluding you, not even about you at all! Just people having a diverse array of interactions. You could maybe do that too? (The fact that someone asked - in your words "half-heartedly", but again you don't know that - "where are you" feels like an opening to me.) Perhaps the four of them are friends for life, but I promise you, I PROMISE you, that they have preferences within the group, they don't all only hang out as a foursome, they are individuals, they squabble, sometimes each of them might also feel left out, they are human. 

I guess I'm saying, don't give up on them just yet, at least not until you have a solid reason to. Give your post-pandemic friendship with them a chance to evolve - with these people as individuals maybe, not just as a group. You might find that easier to manage, anyway.  

Edited April 20, 2021 by serial muse

[soheartbroken]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You may be right, but I'd stay statistically that's not particularly likely. You have my sympathies for your situation nonetheless.

Thanks, Mark. I plan to keep this thread updated, if for no other reason than a space to vent.

This is something I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about In Real Life.

[soheartbroken]

18 minutes ago, serial muse said:

Hi OP - I agree with donnivain that maybe you're reading something into these interactions that isn't there? I know you've said that you feel like they have inside jokes and gatherings that you don't attend...but by your own admission you haven't asked anyone about these, so you've come up with a narrative ("they're phasing me out because I'm too boring") that isn't based on anything but your own fears.

Is it possible they really are avoiding you? Sure. But you don't know that. And as a person with social anxiety myself, I totally, totally sympathize with where you are here. I'm just saying that I also know the dangers of trapping myself in my own fears. Nothing isolates you faster than those fears.

Is there perhaps one person among this group that you feel a little more trusting of, a little more comfortable with? Could you try to hang out with one or two of them individually, instead of only as a group? Could you even consider broaching your fears with that one person?

Which is to say - are all of your interactions with these friends in a group setting? Because I suspect that some of them might also have individual friendships with particular members within the larger group (as is normal!) and that perhaps that's where those inside jokes and common references come from. Not excluding you, not even about you at all! Just people having a diverse array of interactions. You could maybe do that too? (The fact that someone asked - in your words "half-heartedly", but again you don't know that - "where are you" feels like an opening to me.) Perhaps the four of them are friends for life, but I promise you, I PROMISE you, that they have preferences within the group, they don't all only hang out as a foursome, they are individuals, they squabble, sometimes each of them might also feel left out, they are human. 

I guess I'm saying, don't give up on them just yet, at least not until you have a solid reason to. Give your post-pandemic friendship with them a chance to evolve - with these people as individuals maybe, not just as a group. You might find that easier to manage, anyway.  

Thanks for your thoughts, Serial. A lot to unpack there.

Yes, they all message each other individually, and hang out individually as well. I message with three of them individually, and sometimes hang out with one individually, but for the most part I see them as a group. This used to be very frequently, but now things are changing, i.e. they get together as a foursome without me, but post about it in the group chat. I have mostly stopped sending individual messages in the last week or so, because I'm feeling so insecure. I recognize that I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, I just feel at a loss as to how to reverse course. I have found, in the past, that when I sense people pulling away, I give them some space and often this has been helpful. Now, that doesn't seem to be working.

I am not comfortable asking anyone in the group directly at this point. I think this would make things worse. And, if want to give the "post-pandemic" friendship a chance (as you say), I can't do this right now. At least that's what my gut says.

Like lots of friend groups, there is a hierarchy in ours. The most popular ones are at the top, and I am very much at the bottom. And this is because I'm not very outgoing. To be honest, I'm quite amazed they kept me around for this long. It's because the most popular one, for a couple years, enjoyed my company. Now that she finds me less interesting, the others are starting to treat me differently, too.

Also, I know I give this more thought than they do. They aren't sitting around right now planning my exclusion, I know this. But their actions are definitely showing an intention to phase me out.

[ShyViolet]

I suspect if they truly wanted to exclude you, they would have created a new group chat with just the four of them.  However, no, they've been continuing to use a group chat that includes you, knowing that you can see everything.  It really makes me wonder if maybe they did intend for you to be part of things, but then when you would not say anything, and you remained quiet in the group chat, they perceived it as you being standoffish or aloof or maybe that you weren't interested in being a part of their plans.  Maybe they thought YOU were the one who didn't care about hanging out with them.  So then it just went into a downward spiral.

 

[soheartbroken]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I suspect if they truly wanted to exclude you, they would have created a new group chat with just the four of them.  However, no, they've been continuing to use a group chat that includes you, knowing that you can see everything.  It really makes me wonder if maybe they did intend for you to be part of things, but then when you would not say anything, and you remained quiet in the group chat, they perceived it as you being standoffish or aloof or maybe that you weren't interested in being a part of their plans.  Maybe they thought YOU were the one who didn't care about hanging out with them.  So then it just went into a downward spiral.

 

In the beginning, I had this thought, too! I thought, at least they are posting in the group chat, knowing that I can read it. Which means they aren't hiding anything from me. But, after this happened a few times, I've started to think that if they wanted me there, someone would send me an individual message, like "hey, not sure if you're reading the group chat, but we're doing XXXX tonight". At least that's my thinking at this point.

I do suspect, which I may have written above, that this WILL end with them creating a new chat just the four of them.

It's so ridiculous how mind-consuming this has become.

A few short months ago, I felt great.

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, soheartbroken said:

In the beginning, I had this thought, too! I thought, at least they are posting in the group chat, knowing that I can read it. Which means they aren't hiding anything from me. But, after this happened a few times, I've started to think that if they wanted me there, someone would send me an individual message, like "hey, not sure if you're reading the group chat, but we're doing XXXX tonight". At least that's my thinking at this point.

Why should someone send you an individual message if you've ignored the group chat?  They might have interpreted your silence/passivity in the group chat as you not being interested, or you pulling away. So then they continued on making plans amongst themselves.  There might have been no malicious intent whatsoever, just a lack of communication.

[d0nnivain]

Would you be willing to try to initiating a get together?  Maybe if they see you back & being part of the group you will feel more included.  

[soheartbroken]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Would you be willing to try to initiating a get together?  Maybe if they see you back & being part of the group you will feel more included.  

I was thinking about seeing what they are doing on Friday, since I know a few of us have the day off.

But I'm too afraid at this moment of the rejection, or a response saying that they have already planned something for Friday [without me]. A month or so ago, I would have reached out, but my confidence is obviously at an all-time low.

Instead, I was thinking of going on a hike on my own on Friday, like another poster suggested.

But I'll give this some more thought.