Letter of a lifetime - to my kindred soul, and family

[hhy]

Dear John,

I haven't been sleeping. My heart is breaking and I dont know how to say that I'm not happy after 22 years of marriage because I've been lying. 

I'm forced to be the bad guy because I'm afraid to tell my family that I've fallen in love like no other, been given the promise of hope, warmth and safety in your arms.

I happily go through the motions having you beside me though we're apart, as I'm encouraged to become a better person, mother, wife.

Sadly I don't get this from my family and I can't understand why. If lying is the cause, truth is the remedy.

It has been 11 years, longer than it should. For life as a vow, is taking its toll where I find myself disappointed and over looked. Yet have been able to sustain because of you.

I know I am patient, accepting, tolerant, forgiving and loving. Yet I'm not the best of me while doing what has been accepted and counted upon, fulfilling my duty and sadly, not any of those qualities mentioned I inhabit or admire. Instead I am angry, resentful and most of all, at a loss for a core part of me.

How is it that I don't feel appreciated, yet know I'm loved and needed? That in reality, my husband is an amazing human being who was raised not to share feelings, vulnerabilities or true intimacy. He seems overwhelmed, overworked, and lacks the drive to lead family excursions or dive into part of my dreams despite having known him for 29 years. Are these not choices he has made?

I can't believe this is normal. As words, hints, suggestions aren't received, nor really reciprocated.  When I break longings or ideas down into simple terms, they are terms I must abide and execute alone. 

How is it the family I've longed for since childhood become a prison like the painful one I grew up in where individual minds matter more than the unity of the whole?

I can't believe this is good, yet certainly it is not all bad.

My husband expects me to move out, separate our accounts and not live in the house if I choose to leave him. Understandably.

I need to take care of finances and our 20, 18 & 16 y.olds in the mean time till we can do this.

So my heart is breaking. Though I happily take care of family and children, I don't think I'll ever gain the trust, understanding, nor acceptance of my needs from my husband, whether before or after marriage. This is the home I have built with every ounce, and must leave.

The desire to plan a trip, event, or the thought of "How are you Mom or B.G.?" aren't really felt from my kids or husband, so perhaps a family meal, would all be great. Maybe in the future when the dust settles and my kids can see it is with earnestness that I sacrifice for requests that are hopefully (humbly, more than) reasonable whether the parents are married or not.

(Not the) B.G.

338am

 

[understand50]

HHy,

I am not sure how to read this past you are not happy in the marriage. It is convoluted.  So some questions:

1) IS there another man you have fallen in love with?  Are you having affair?

2) If so, does your husband know?  Your kids? Are you planing to leave and live with your AP?

3) If there is not another man, are you just unhappy, and may need to seek help and treatment?

A better understand on what you are going though would allow us to give some opinion on what we think you should do.

I wish you luck...

 

[hhy]

Understand50,

Im afraid to speak about how i feel. So please bare with me. I am posting cuz i am very sad and want to leave. I have felt desperate in my marriage and no longer want to work on it. Now i feel my kids dont care either...so i want to leave them too.

This is the life and dream i have built and feel i am quickly taking down. So i hide now in my bed, and tomorrow at the barn and in work.

Though i fell in love with (AP?)

I would not be leaving because of another man. It is because i feel i dont matter.

I want to answer your questions, not being rude or coy. Its very painful to talk about so i am not sure how. Thank you so much.

-SAD

I have posted to Trident's issue with "GFriend SSon"...im usually happy n an optimist. This just cuts to the core. If you read my feedback on Trident, you may understand just how much.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, hhy said:

If you read my feedback on Trident, you may understand just how much.

Just curious, what is Trident?

[mark clemson]

^^ the poster here who recently posted about his LT GF's kid. HHY posted in his thread near the end...

[hhy]

Thanks Mr. C

[hhy]

I guess if i may speak discreetly and cautiously - though i married an amazing human being whom i met at 23, became my best friend, took the chance on at 26 and became a couple, and married at 30, and with whom i have raised a 20, 18 and 16 y.old, i do not feel connected nor "in love" any longer. It does not help that i have very deep feelings for another, which developed in 2010. 

But my biggest hurdler is my husband and i have not connected for a long long time. It may seem flippant of me to state, i am here for "our family".

 

I ask with all my will, Can a couple build a lifetime together, despite huge disappointments, faltering of trust, and radically different communication, physical, emotional needs, based on one true, shared conviction of family - even when I deeply love another?

H

10:28pm

Edited April 25, 2021 by hhy
Typo

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, hhy said:

. It does not help that i have very deep feelings for another, which developed in 2010. 

i am here for "our family"

Just to clarify. So you're staying in a marriage of convenience for the sake of your family, but having an emotional affair?

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, hhy said:

I ask with all my will, Can a couple build a lifetime together, despite huge disappointments, faltering of trust, and radically different communication, physical, emotional needs, based on one true, shared conviction of family - even when I deeply love another?

I ask sincerely, why would you want to? You’ve stayed for the past 10 years and consider how you are feeling now. As Dr Phil would say, “how’s that working for you?” It doesn’t seem like it’s working very well. Based on your own words, it sounds like you are suffering terribly. 

I understand that you stay for the children, but children experience divorce every day and they cope - some quite well. Done well, it is possible to coparent while living separately.

I have a friend who’s parents divorced when she was five. When I met her, I didn’t know that her parents were divorced for months... both parents came to her school and sporting events, her dad came over on Christmas morning to be together. It’s not easy but it can be done, and it can be done well. 

On 4/23/2021 at 11:22 AM, hhy said:

Now i feel my kids dont care either...so i want to leave them too.

This is concerning to me. What is happening in your relationship with your children that you would say that you want to leave them too?

You say that they don’t care - what have they done to lead you to feel this to be the case? 

hhy, I’m not sure what you are looking for here? Are you looking for encouragement to divorce and be with your OM? Are you looking for someone to say that you are right to stay, with a man that you feel nothing for and children that you say you want to leave. How is that a “shared conviction of family?” 

And, to state the obvious... two of your children are of legal age. They are adults - are they still in the home or have they gone off to school? Your oldest is 16 years old, definitely old enough to understand that sometimes... two people can still love each other but grow apart such that they decide they will be happier if they are not living together. Respectfully, your family is almost fully grown...

It’s obvious by your writing that you are experiencing deep pain. I hope you have talked with a counsellor. Perhaps, it’s time to focus less on your children and more on self care - it is naturally what happens when children get to this age. Time to find your own interests, your own happiness, your own joy - and in this, I do not mean “in another relationship.” You seem to have some healing to do inside you. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[hhy]

I have had a good deal of time to think...

I want to respond and but it is not going to be easy so respectfully ask in advance for patience.

I wrote a response but as is habit, often i dont send/share.

For now, Wiseman2, i am not sure what a marriage of convenience is but i would say it is a typical marriage as those with challenges and small moments of bliss. Is it comfortable, yes at times. Painful, at times. Hard of communication often. Half a lifetime to build and get to where we are, definitely. Run its course: I don't know :..(

i would like to include what i wrote to my family this morning and write more to this post little by little.

Gratefully, H

 

[hhy]

Being a good mom is the most important thing to me.

I hope my role does not hurt others.

Thanks so much again for reading.

[hhy]

This mornings Direct Messenging (DM) to my 20, 18, 16 y.o. and their dad:

"Would you please read....

Days are getting warmer, daughter will be moving in 3 mos, this time together matters to me, and lots to look forward to personally.

To each of you, i get up in the morning for you.

May not always be easy, but i want to do right by you.

So for me that means taking care of the cabin, making sure finances are in order, dad practices driving with boys, we do what we can to give back to our bodies/ourselves.

You may not want to hear this.
But dog needs water on hot days.
Walk. And fed.

Not unlike us, we need good food, rest and exercise. The basics.  With that, if we can enjoy and care for each other, in these next few months...thats all i ask.

Not trying to control anyone. Just hope you can hear that we are a family.

I dont want to regret not doing what i should as your parent....that i do what needs to be done.  And if i had to do it alone, i hope not to have to prod, pull and repeat incessantly.

That when we care, we start with hearing someones words and needs, then do our part daily, not when it is convenient but because it is necessary, for the good of the whole.

If i have at all done what i long tried to achieve it is to raise you three with the conscience of doing what is right by you, thereby those around you....it is with this in mind that we care:

Care to do things the best we can.

To care for self and others.

That our individual health and health of the unit is all we.

To be kind, gentle, give and forgive. Your Dad does this in droves.

With this i think you 3 already know. You wont need me to nag or Mom.

I know more than anything how you boys in particular dont want Mom to bug you. I hear you.

Please know that i'm doing my best if you dont.

I will always try my best.

Love, M"

Hhy 7:48am

 

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed potentially identifying information

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, hhy said:

To each of you, i get up in the morning for you.

May not always be easy, but i want to do right by you.

hhy, do you have a counsellor? I hope you have some support for your mental health cause you sound so sad in your posts. 

Kindly, when I read this post the phrase that comes to mind... that’s a lot of pressure to put on your children. 

My mom was kind and wonderful. Quite literally, her last words before she passed were “when I go, who will take care of everyone?” She gave to us, as you have given to your children. Still, I can’t imagine her ever writing me a letter that says “I get up everyday for you. May not be easy, but I do it for you.” Honestly, that kind of statement would scare me and make me worry about my mother’s wellbeing.

You are a family, and as such you should love and support each other. You sound like such a proud mother when you speak of your daughters accomplishment. But, you need to have your own life too. You can’t live only for your children. You really shouldn’t place these kinds of expectations on your children. That’s not a healthy way to be, particularly as they are young adults and they will soon be leaving to follow their own dreams and build their own lives. 

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[hhy]

BaileyB

Im having a hard time leaving my family.

We love kids and try not to ask too much.

I know it may sound like pressure but they truly live and do as they please, as mentioned they are adults (3rd, almost).

I care, obviously. Just feel like my husband is not emotionally vulnerable or expressive. 

Didnt even notice till Another Man (AM) opened my eyes 11 years ago. Now that man wants to move on. Tired of waiting for me to leave, yet doesnt expect me to either.

I love him deeply. Does it make sense that my heart is torn...loyal to AM, but faithful to my duties of my family and lifetime of friend/partnership to husband/dad (D).

How do i tell D how i truly feel? I have tried in so many ways...it been 29 years!

I know i need to selfcare...dont have a counselor, dont know if theres insurance coverage.

Am so tired, need to find another place to sleep besides taking turns on the couch so separation can be official.  And eventually file for divorce (I am not there yet).

And i dont know what being my own person is like, though i have imagind, planned & dreamed.

I miss AM horribly, but this is going to be a radical change for D & me so taking it a step at a time.

With great gratitude,  H

6:02am

[hhy]

10:33pm

I am hanging in there and know I am not any where closer to filing than b4. Is this what the saying means about blood being thicker than water?

Here is a prayer i wrote:

I pray for peace, unity and resolve.

I want happiness, togetherness and health, but most of all I want an ever lasting love.

God grant me the strength to see this through. Show me the light to find my way. Help guide me so that my heart does not lead me astray, but finds home.

More specifically:

God, grant me the vision to see my family through troubled times, the resolve to stand firmly by them, while not losing my way. May both D and I find our ways, and if fate allows, let us be co-parents or partners, whatever is in your will.

May M stand steadfast in his beliefs and find peace and happiness.

May we all one day put the past behind us and move forward.

I speak these words of prayer in my steadfast need and hope to find peace. In you I shall put my trust.

Amen.

7:22am

My words this morning to my dearest friend who listened to me 3 weeks before my wedding when I had an altercation with D and has been there since the start of my decision to separate:

 

[hhy]

"D and i had a great start to Mothers day and ended the evening with my post "not anywhere closer to filing" last night.

But when i woke this morning i wrote:

We had to go up to the mtns to clean for incoming guests as we were under a time crunch, slept in separate rooms and i woke feeling at peace. That where my heart lies is true.

So i opened with, "I'm hurt", he listened, said he didnt know what to say....and again i told him..."you've never really apologize" (for the little things that keeps hurting over and over the years no matter how innocent, like not touching me.)

People may change, but sometimes it comes at too great a cost.

We seem to be ok as co-parents, but it will take a lot for me to "go back" into the same bed with him.

M...he's been silent for almost 7 days...a small reprieve. He knows where i am, where i stand, and viceversa.

I still miss him terribly.

Applied for a 6 month job in San Rafael, 385 miles away.

Fun to interview again."

 

[hhy]

7:42am

Pray for guidance, hope and clarity. Open to all feedback.  Thank you all so much!

H

[mark clemson]

I assume D is your husband and you are asking for advice on your marriage. (It's not entirely clear to me.)

It sounds like you two are drifting apart and although you opened up to him neither of you are taking significant steps towards improving things/re-developing closeness and intimacy. Is HE content?

Taking a job 300+ miles away is probably not a great step if your marriage is fraying. But of course having an income is important too. So that may be an additional dilemma in the near future if he gets it.

[hhy]

817pm

Thank you Mr. C....i really appreciate your thoughtful responses. D is my husband, and sometimes i do not feel he gets it.

Try as i might not to be offended, hurt, disturbed or slighted or overtly annoyed, in 29 years i have tried everything. A staunch irish catholic he is not touchy feely or really sentimental.

Others tell me im beautiful, an awesome mom..but i never "really feel" it from him.

He tries in his own way, "acts of service", when what i need desperately is quality time. I do know he tries as he might, divorce is worse than death.

I know if i just hang in there, the best is yet to come, and in my bones i know i will never walk away from kids (family).

All said, however, i am deeply in love with M. He, who told me, in 2010 after having become a neighbor turned family friend for 3 years, when kids were 10, 8 & 6: "You are an awesome Mom, .....(my name)", " You ARE really pretty" (to which i responded "i dont want to hear that from you"). Now, all i want to feel is M's arms around me. And miss him so much. He has been single for 11 years, no other woman. Now i must choose and I'm afraid, cowardly lying in wait for what seems like courage or someone/thing else to choose for me. Running to another part of the state to escape my place...why am i such a coward...

[Amethyst68]

You certainly sound anguished. 

Can I ask you though, how can you honestly expect to feel close to your husband when you've cheating on him for 10/11 years? You mentioned you've only recently went NC with your AP and it was his choice not yours.

I have to say, gently but honestly I'm not surprised there's this disconnect between you and your husband, your emotions are invested in your AP and have been for a decade. Did you think he wouldn't feel something, even if he never confirmed the cheating. As for your children, I'm sorry to say it's probably something similar. I wonder how many times you've been there with them in person but not in spirit, not involved because you were talking to your AP or waiting to see when his next message will arrive. 

Quite frankly you sound depressed, get yourself help, see a counsellor or doctor asap. It's not fair putting this on your children like this, by DM of all things. Get involved in your children's lives, the 16 (definitely) and 18 year olds are not adults yet.

 

[notbroken]

Having an affair - emotionally or  otherwise - makes it very difficult for you to 'fully' love your husband.  Someone else is taking that place.   If you really value your family then stop the affair.  Until you do that you are in an 'affair fog' and not able to really fix your marriage.  If you are unwilling to do that then do your husband a favor and divorce him quickly and fairly.  You are short changing him and your family (yes) by really being with someone else instead of them no matter how hard you deny it.  It is impossible to be in two places at once. 

[hhy]

On 5/24/2021 at 5:38 PM, Amethyst68 said:

You certainly sound anguished. 

Can I ask you though, how can you honestly expect to feel close to your husband when you've cheating on him for 10/11 years? You mentioned you've only recently went NC with your AP and it was his choice not yours.

I have to say, gently but honestly I'm not surprised there's this disconnect between you and your husband, your emotions are invested in your AP and have been for a decade. Did you think he wouldn't feel something, even if he never confirmed the cheating. As for your children, I'm sorry to say it's probably something similar. I wonder how many times you've been there with them in person but not in spirit, not involved because you were talking to your AP or waiting to see when his next message will arrive. 

Quite frankly you sound depressed, get yourself help, see a counsellor or doctor asap. It's not fair putting this on your children like this, by DM of all things. Get involved in your children's lives, the 16 (definitely) and 18 year olds are not adults yet.

 

 

[hhy]

Hello Amethyst,

 

Just got your message. Am not quite use to platform.

 

Thank you very much & sorry for delay.

 

D (spouse) & i are very different. We were better as friends but we have been married this oct, 22 years. Ive known him for 29 years.

Forging ahead i really do not know what will happen because the one thing for sure is we both keep trying, valuing the ties of kids and family above all else.

 

My going in between him n lover has been anguish. And i feel half the person i want or should be. 

 

Have resigned to this bed ive made and cant be fully there for either. Sad. At the very least, i still try to be the best mom, person, daughter, friend, partner i can be to mitigate the hand i'm dealt/have held.

Im back tonthis forum cuz..my feelings havent changed...it is why we've had issues since we consummated 26 years ago.

 

I left also because things/i havent really changed, i went on to deal with things as usual coming back here for comfort thats missing presently.

 

Best,

H

 

[hhy]

On 5/25/2021 at 6:49 AM, notbroken said:

Having an affair - emotionally or  otherwise - makes it very difficult for you to 'fully' love your husband.  Someone else is taking that place.   If you really value your family then stop the affair.  Until you do that you are in an 'affair fog' and not able to really fix your marriage.  If you are unwilling to do that then do your husband a favor and divorce him quickly and fairly.  You are short changing him and your family (yes) by really being with someone else instead of them no matter how hard you deny it.  It is impossible to be in two places at once. 

Pls let me respond during day. Tried third time now. Gnite 4 now.

[hhy]

 

Hello notbroken...i like that call sign.

When thinking

of my marriage, always the kids come to mind. But D is not my ideal mate...we have both become more stubborn sadly...i think of so many reasons to be happy, content etc...but when you are oil n water...sometimes you just dont mix.

When i do right by the kids i feel strong, but sadly for whatever reason...i feel weak around D...critical, irritable, not inspired or at my best. Tired a lot. 

Wish i can say the same about D as i do the kids but he doesnt inspire me to be my best nor do i want to do right by him anymore. I feel like he takes care of himself fine.

Tho this is not to say he is selfish nor is he not an amazing person...just we often are not compatible. 

I dont know if one might understand that sharing a life as copartners/parents is very different than connecting w someone on a kindred/spiritual level.

That kind of connection, passion, emotion is hard to deny, live without or even experience.

Some people just never get it. Life with/for them is about duty and simple pleasures...and there is nothing wrong with that.

Ive been advised to be grateful, focus on all that i do have, all that is good....but its not just learning to be content with what you have or living by edicts..its about appreciating the opportunities you have to live in health, with food on the table, have friends w whom to share, it about appreciating these things by giving back, feeding their souls, to nurture, maintain and appreciate. Otherwise why struggle, be in relationships, have kids?

 Nothing in life is really static or free...it all comes at a cost and i guess i have to decide & live with what the acceptable/sustainable trade-off is.

I just dont know how to leave (husband and not kids) or stay.

I hope in the very least...the years and decades of stuggle is not in vain...that i am evolving  to be a better mom, friend, daughter, human being and aware of who i really am and what i really want and leave behind.

Xoxo