I found out last night about my husband's OW, an old school friend and he plans to take our daughter!

[whaceda502]

My husband told me last night that he's leaving me for his high school classmate Sadie (now 36) who he's been talking to online, and that he's going to create a blended family with our daughter and her daughter.

He told me how Sadie had contacted him months ago, explaining that her husband left her for an OW as his AP in August 2019, he'd moved from Maryland to Texas, and she's starting to plan divorce proceedings; he moved in with the OW before the pandemic had started and hasn't been heard from since. She'd tried contacting him about their kid... never heard back.

 

He explained the affair was never physical (couldn't be for obvious reasons; we're in California, she's in Maryland) and was online-only, since November 2019.He then showed me a photo Sadie sent him, of her in black bra and panties standing next to her Toyota RAV4 SUV.

Sadie's been married since 2014 to her STBXH; she didn't suspect an affair was going on until she found online evidence on her computer; emails to and from this woman including the smoking gun of "I've left my wife for you", and then Sadie's WS left her BS to live with the OW in Texas.

 

Sadie's been looking at divorce attorneys, he told me, and she sent him copies of what should be confidential emails.

Sadie told him how things were scary, he'd yelled at her because she DIDN'T vote Trump in the 2020 elections and she sent him a picture of scars he left on her legs and belly from when he attacked her over Trump; she was too frightned to report it to the police; in her house, Trump was such an issue that it caused so much friction she was frightened to be with him, and that he'd drunk vodka and rum from 11am until 8pm some days. Trump caused so much friction in their marriage; he'd ignored spending time with her to watch CNN and Fox endlessly, and ranted at her about food and drink.

Sadie has an 18-month-old daughter with her husband.My husband has known Sadie since September 1997, and last saw her at the end of June 2002, but hadn't heard from her since November 2002 officially.He dated her from February 2001 to November 2002, but she'd moved from Arizona to live in Maryland with her family and of course back then it was harder to date long-distance with no social media and poorer-quality video-calls.

He essentially wants to pick up where he left off.

 

I've been with my husband since August 2008, we met as friends in July 2008, started dating in August 2008, married by September 2013, and we've got an 8-year-old daughter.I really had no idea my husband was cheating on me online, no reason to be suspicious.But his revelation he had an OW really made me realize I'd become a BS.I

 

had no idea he had an OW!I've heard standard claims about an affair, "You don't know what he's like until you've washed his dirty underwear", "It won't be so hot when you're dealing with bills, leaky toilet, ramen noodles, paying for two cars, choosing a restaurant".

 

But in this case, it's a bit more complex isn't it due to kids ??

 

Let's say he divorces me. What happens when things slow down, reality hits? Isn't he thinking of everything that he knows and feels for this OW IN an affair setting! Not reality, not sharing responsibility with her, money, a house, her being step mom to your daughter, her family, your family, dealing with the fallout, friends picking sides, inlaws - A whole life change.

Am I right to think that he's based everything on an affair setting, moving in with her, and are the issues of friends picking sides, in-laws, sharing responsibility the Three Big Issues?He said he's thought about blended families, but has he REALLY thought about blended families, how this is going to work out in the long run? Getting involved and also not only dealing with your stuff, but hers too? Her family, friends, relatives, as well as yours? Does he really know her well enough (he's known her for 24 years so may 'know' her in one sense, but he probably doesn't KNOW her as an adult, how she handles crisis, how her communication skills are, her bad habits, etc) to throw away all that he has with me? She obviously has to be thinking the same thing or if she isn't, well, it's worrying.

 

Won't blended families be the BIG sticking point here?

 

Granted, Sadie has an 18-month old daughter so parenting is perhaps a new issue to her, it's her only child.You can't really say Sadie cheated on her husband as he didn't talk to her until AFTER he'd left her, and secondly, he was already in an affair, so no issue of husband beating up the other guy.I'm probably going to meet her some day, if only for the sake of access to my daughter unless I can get custody.But my husband is determined to plow on with this, and pick up where he left off... 19 years later.Is this odd that he ADMITTED to an affair, with no prompting?

 

The conversation came out of the blue.... I'd had NO IDEA that he had this emotional affair.

 

As for him picking up where he left off, what do you think the REALITY will be like of him moving in with his OW AP and the blended family, just in case anyone else on here asks this question?

What do you think will be the BIGGEST issues for them (apart maybe from lack of trust), especially the reality of a blended family and will friends picking sides really be as big an issue as I thought?I've never had to worry about affairs before, so this is all new to me.Please guide me on what to do for the best, emotionally; the divorce lawyer side is slowly coming along, I'm researching it.

 

I'm unsure how to do things properly to get the best outcome for my daughter. I really don't want the blended family thing but my husband's pushing for it with Sadie.What do you think could be possible outcomes for everyone in this situation?I really need advice from everyone here, and thank you for reading.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, whaceda502 said:

Sadie's been looking at divorce attorneys, 

You as well need to contact an attorney asap for a consultation.

Make sure you discuss your child and that he's threatening to take her across state lines. 

Make sure you tell your husband that your child will not be abducted and dragged across any states.

Does your husband have substance abuse or mental health problems?

His halfassed plans sound ridiculous.

Protect yourself and your child. Stop entertaining his crazy stories. Shut that down asap.

Talk to trusted friends and family about what is happening.

Ask him to move out. He doesn't have to leave the marital home, but ask.

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[whaceda502]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You as well need to contact an attorney asap for a consultation.

Make sure you discuss your child and that he's threatening to take her across state lines. 

Make sure you tell your husband that your child will not be abducted and dragged across any states.

Does your husband have substance abuse or mental health problems?

His halfassed plans sound ridiculous.

Protect yourself and your child. Stop entertaining his crazy stories. Shut that down asap.

Talk to trusted friends and family about what is happening.

Ask him to move out. He doesn't have to leave the marital home, but ask

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

 

No, he hasn't got substance abuse or mental health problems; this was totally unexpected, our life was quite good.

My friends and family.... can't see them as easily due to the pandemic, Mom and Dad live in Guam now, my best friend's in NYC (been there since 2014) and my sister's living in Toronto, Ontario now, so difficult to see them except via Zoom etc.... I miss the physical closeness.

I've told him explicitly NO, but he's so insistent on this blended family.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, whaceda502 said:

Ive told him explicitly NO, but he's so insistent on this blended family

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer. Stand up and protect yourself and your children.

[d0nnivain]

I agree with everyone urging you to see a lawyer ASAP. 

You are understandably focused on the emotional aspects of this emotional bomb but you have to deal with the practical aspects first & foremost.  Once you let your daughter cross a state line your options are all tougher & more expensive.  You could end up having to fight in that far away jurisdiction.  

You have to stop second guessing him & trying to fix this.  He betrayed you & he wants out of your marriage.  You can't force him to stay & trying to do that will only make things worse for everyone especially you & your daughter.  Let him go.  Deal with splitting up the stuff.  Keep your daughter balanced & loved.  Make a home for her.  Let him fall on his butt.  When the bloom wears off that rose (Sadie) he may try to crawl back to you but by then you will be stable, happy & over him.  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, whaceda502 said:

Let's say he divorces me.

That’s not his decision to make, it’s yours. 

I agree with the others, you need to see a lawyer. Your husband has told you that he plans to leave you for another woman AND take your child. It’s unlikely that you can prevent visitation with her father, but you can put a custody agreement in place that protects your ability to see your child and your financial best interest. If he plans to take my child away from her home and her school, I would fight that with everything that I had. 

Whether it works out for him is still be to decided and it’s not anything you control. All you need to know is that he is making poor decisions right now and you need to protect yourself and your child. Time to focus on yourself and your child and get yourself some support - a counsellor, a friend, a lawyer. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, whaceda502 said:

He explained the affair was never physical (couldn't be for obvious reasons; we're in California, she's in Maryland) and was online-only, since November 2019.

He has the worst case of midlife crisis I have ever heard of. He's going to run away with someone who's married, he hasn't seen in decades and they are going to "blend families"? 

You seem to know a lot about this cyber-relationship. Why bother talking to him about all this drama? Are you hoping this pipedream blows over? 

Either way consult an attorney. Ask him to leave the marital home.

[mark clemson]

Since it appears a divorce is being undertaken unilaterally, be aware that in many areas many family/divorce lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consultations. You can ask several of them for advice which will save you some money if you can get your questions answered for free. 

Also I believe you should be aware that some lawyers do things that antagonize the divorcing couple. IMO this makes them more likely to be willing to spend money on court motions, letters, etc, to attempt to "get back at" the other one via the legal system. All of which the lawyer will get paid for. I believe that "being served at work" is an example of this, as it embarrasses a person in front of one of their most important social groups. So be on the lookout for this as (IMO) generally even a good lawyer likes to get paid a bit more. Look for less triggering alternatives if you can.

If there is a child custody "battle" that could be a big issue, and potentially expensive and highly stressful sitution. Perhaps that can be avoided. From what I understand, moving across country may not be an option for him, per the court, due to the child custody issues that creates. That would be a question for a lawyer, though. So he may have "acted in haste/ignorance" of this with his divorce proposal here. C'est la vie.

In some areas  a divorce with an affair involved can sometimes net you a better settlement and in just a few (while this is by no means a recommendation) a divorce "due to an affair" can sometimes allow you to sue the OW/AP. You mention CA, I'm pretty sure that's not the case there (although again check with a lawyer to be sure).

[LivingWaterPlease]

Agree with everyone encouraging you to get with a lawyer asap. He will help you greatly as to answering some of your questions.

As far as the emotional/blended family aspect of the anticipated arrangement, only time will tell. Situations vary as greatly as individuals do. I will say this, though, from all I have seen trying to blend two families together takes utmost time and wisdom.

Your H is foolish for many reasons but to try to jam your daughter into a family with his old gf quickly is just nuts. It won't work.

I've observed many blended families at different stages and the ones who are jammed together quickly, without gradually getting accustomed to each other, are usually a disaster. Your H should take at least a couple of years to date this woman and gradually introduce your daughter to her if he wants this to work.

You may face some times of  uncertainty in all of this but one thing you can be certain of is that your H's idea is not going to pan out as he thinks it will.

[Bittersweetie]

You may want to ask that this topic be moved to Infidelity, because you yourself are a BS not an OW. 

I've read here or on other boards about husbands who ask their wives to move then once they are in a new place, divorce. The wife cannot move back to where their support system is because it's much more difficult to come to a custody agreement being in different states. I agree to meet with a lawyer and do not agree to move anywhere right now. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm reading your post as either you feel powerless over the situation (understandable), you're hoping it's all a bad dream from which you'll soon awake, or a combination of both.

Following the advice of the above posters will remedy both. Your husband is betraying you in a very callous way, even thinking he's going to strip your child from you and leave you high and dry in the dust.

It's understandable that you are in shock, but you really need to push through that and all the emotions you are facing so you can protect yourself and your daughter. You need to tap into your anger right now. You have to take action NOW.

[introverted1]

Talk to a lawyer pronto. In most states, you'll be awarded joint custody and there is typically a clause that prevents either parent from moving more than X miles from the marital home (unless they want to relinquish the ability to see their child on a regular basis). 

Do not let your husband take your daughter to another state until you have conferred with a lawyer and understand how this may impact custody.

[Crazelnut]

Lawyer up immediately and do NOT let him take your daughter ANYWHERE.  

[usa1ah]

You do know he can’t take your daughter any where right?

Is your cheating husband moving to Maryland? If so, your daughter isn’t going with him. 
 

You need a lawyer now and they need to know what your husband is saying. They will be able to file the proper motions to make sure your husband can’t take your daughter.