Should we end our marriage (husband cheated on me)

[LostMum]

I found out that my husband cheated on me in Feb 2020. We had been married for 6 yrs, with a 1.5 yr old child. His phone pinged at 3am one evening, and I had a gut feeling to check his phone (my 1st time, had otherwise blindly trusted him). I found evidence of a sexual affair with an ex-colleague lasting about 3 months, plus about 4 years of him using prostitutes and discussing them with his best friend. I confronted him, and he would outright lie and deny even with me knowing, I just wanted him to tell me the truth. After about 2 hrs of grilling him, he told me the truth, his financial stress driven him to get high and sleep with prostitutes and that he didn’t even know what he was doing. He says he has a lot of anxiety, at times was depressed. The affair with the ex-colleague was obviously a conscious decision as he was sober, and I imagine he was just enjoying the attention. He took it too far when he invited her over for sex while our child was sleeping and i was at work. We separated for about a week. He moved back in as he wanted to make it work, and I was still confused and in shock. I allowed it if he met my conditions.
 

My conditions were couple’s therapy, him seeing his own therapist, quality time together and open communication (so no lying), no social media for a while (as he kept trying to entertain females on there), a promise to keep looking for better jobs (as he’s been on minimum wage for his entire life, despite being educated, so he literally doesn’t try looking, which has caused financial stress which led to him using prostitutes) 

We spent a few months in couple’s therapy, then we separated again as I lost all desire towards him. He moved back in without my agreement and has been living here since.

1 year has passed now. I’ve made it clear that I don’t trust him, and i’m not attracted to him. We haven’t had any intimacy for a year. However i do love him as a best friend, and it’s great seeing him now bond with his child as he’s home more. We’ve been getting along great most of the time - like we’re a family, watching tv and cooking together. Although, thinking of us as husband/wife, I’m not really happy with the marriage and want to explore different options, but at the same time, i feel stuck in fear of breaking up the family, what would happen to our home, how we would raise our child, and I don’t want to send my husband down a path of depression as he’s very dependent on me.
 

He hasn’t met my conditions as he ended up lying about whether or not he’s at work, he made a fake profile when he wasn’t allowed social media and was looking up his previous woman, and last month i found him using a gay dating app, which has really thrown me. Has my lack of desire in him driven him to be gay/bi - is it my doing? When i asked him about it, he said it was the safer option rather than being tempted by females on a hetero dating app. I’m just so confused about what i want out of fear of consequences and change, and have gotten used to living in denial and never talking about us as a ‘couple’

[d0nnivain]

You can't stay with an under-employer liar who cheats on you & who does not put in effort to support his family.  Get an STD test & a lawyer.  

Since you  "still love him" you should be able to find it in your heart to be gracious about arranging visitation & co-parenting.  

Edited April 21, 2021 by d0nnivain

[LostMum]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can stay with an under-employer liar who cheats on you & who does not put in effort to support his family.  Get an STD test & a lawyer.  

Since you  "still love him" you should be able to find it in your heart to be gracious about arranging visitation & co-parenting.  

These are the same views that my friends share, but for some reason this message is  not hitting home for me!! What’s wrong with me   Thank you for taking the time to read & comment. 

[d0nnivain]

There's a typo in there.  I meant can't -- as in cannot -- stay with him. 

Try making a pros & cons list.  Think about what message you staying teaches your child.  What are you getting out of this relationship?  I applaud you for giving it a try.  You set conditions & he couldn't meet them.  He's never going to be faithful.  Why would you want a lifetime of this?  

[LostMum]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There's a typo in there.  I meant can't -- as in cannot -- stay with him. 

Try making a pros & cons list.  Think about what message you staying teaches your child.  What are you getting out of this relationship?  I applaud you for giving it a try.  You set conditions & he couldn't meet them.  He's never going to be faithful.  Why would you want a lifetime of this?  

I have made a pros/cons list, which he ended up finding!! I asked him what he thought of it.. he deemed it inconclusive #storyofmylife You raised some good points.. i think he’ll always be unfaithful.. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LostMum said:

last month i found him using a gay dating app, which has really thrown me. When i asked him about it, he said it was the safer option rather than being tempted by females on a hetero dating app..

Sorry this is happening. Protect yourself and your child.

Privately, confidentially and frankly speak with your physician about STD testing as well as other risks. Be sure to mention he has random sexual encounters with men and women. STDs are also bloodborne especially in high-risk behavior like his.

At that time ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort this out.  Do Not attempt marriage therapy. 

You can have a happy life co-parenting. Consult an attorney and discuss your options in divorce. Do Not Tell him. Never threaten divorce. Be honest with trusted friends and family. 

Sadly he's not who you think he is. 

He's putting you at significant risk :

https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats18/msm.htm

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, LostMum said:

 he told me the truth, his financial stress driven him to get high and sleep with prostitutes and that he didn’t even know what he was doing. He says he has a lot of anxiety, at times was depressed. The affair with the ex-colleague was obviously a conscious decision as he was sober, and I imagine he was just enjoying the attention.

Excuses, excuses. How about meds for stress, rather than prostitutes?

It seems to me that you and your husband are sexually incompatible as you seem to want commitment and he seems to want, essentially, to be able to do whatever he wants.

You appear to have what I would call a "false reconciliation" where he is still cheating and you both are not really recommitted to rebuilding the marriage, except in superficial ways. You can't trust him so no sex, with no sex from you, what is he supposed to do for life satisfaction. This is not laying blame on you as I certainly wouldn't screw someone who I thought might be sleeping with prostitutes either. But it does create a bit of a chicken/egg problem (now, late in the game, not earlier when he was cheating anyhow).

IMO, there is no way denying him sex caused him to turn to homosexuality if there wasn't some latent interest there already. So perhaps he's always been bi?

At any rate, this is clearly a mess. While I don't advise people to divorce (as a matter of principle), it's hard to see a path forward for you two, at least within the more "standard" approaches to marriage. The reason is you can't trust him and have lost all interest sexually. Meanwhile, he is happy to play along, but his interests (sexually) appear to be primarily towards EMRs. So not a satisfactory situation for either of you.

One possibility, in your case, might be to open the marriage. This is more than a bit of a "hail Mary" and frankly, unlikely to work. In theory, it could allow you both to maintain your family structure and find satisfaction elsewhere. However, in theory and in practice appear to be quite different when it comes to open marriages. It's more likely to be the final nail than the "solution". But you never know.

Sorry I don't have more for you, some situations defy "easy answers". Continuing in your current "mode" could theoretically "work" as well, but no doubt it's not a very satisfying life for you.

Edited April 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[LostMum]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Protect yourself and your child.

Privately, confidentially and frankly speak with your physician about STD testing as well as other risks. Be sure to mention he has random sexual encounters with men and women. STDs are also bloodborne especially in high-risk behavior like his.

At that time ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort this out.  Do Not attempt marriage therapy. 

You can have a happy life co-parenting. Consult an attorney and discuss your options in divorce. Do Not Tell him. Never threaten divorce. Be honest with trusted friends and family. 

Sadly he's not who you think he is. 

He's putting you at significant risk :

https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats18/msm.htm

 

Thanks for your insight, much appreciated. I don’t think he’s physically engaged with a man from what he’s told me, but then again, what do i really know. I guess something that’s also stopping me from divorcing is the fees and that I have to buy him out of our home - which is a separate matter, but it’s like he’s being rewarded for cheating 😕 

[pepperbird2]

Meh, I'm not buying his "financial stress" excuse. He's under financial strain, so he buys drugs and pays for sex with prostitutes?

Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If money was so tight it was stressing him out, how could he afford to pay sex workers? I'm sorry to say it, but I think this is just who he is at heart. You and he  are simply not compatible when it comes to monogamy.

Edited April 21, 2021 by pepperbird2

[LostMum]

45 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Excuses, excuses. How about meds for stress, rather than prostitutes?

You appear to have what I would call a "false reconciliation" where he is still cheating and you both are not really recommitted to rebuilding 

You’re echoing a lot of my thoughts. 
 

But with mental health - I don’t want to be judgemental and make assumptions on how he would have been feeling. I can see his depressive state at times, and try to tread carefully, but he doesn’t confide in me which is probably how his issues have snowballed. He needs to acknowledge his own issues which he hasn’t really done yet..

with no sex from you, what is he supposed to do for life satisfaction

This plays on my mind - at one point he seemed ‘addicted’ to sex, so how has he gone cold turkey? The temptation to get it elsewhere must be great. And, to me, if the boundaries of cheating have already been crossed, it’s easier to cross those boundaries again.

So perhaps he's always been bi?

This is such a revelation- he’s never talked about men in this way before, but agree, there must have been some interest for him to even go there.

open marriages. It's more likely to be the final nail than the "solution". But you never know

Yes, this sounds like this would get very messy very quickly, and not something I’m comfortable with!

Thanks for taking the time to comment  

 

[pepperbird2]

1 minute ago, LostMum said:

You’re echoing a lot of my thoughts. 
 

But with mental health - I don’t want to be judgemental and make assumptions on how he would have been feeling. I can see his depressive state at times, and try to tread carefully, but he doesn’t confide in me which is probably how his issues have snowballed. He needs to acknowledge his own issues which he hasn’t really done yet..

with no sex from you, what is he supposed to do for life satisfaction

This plays on my mind - at one point he seemed ‘addicted’ to sex, so how has he gone cold turkey? The temptation to get it elsewhere must be great. And, to me, if the boundaries of cheating have already been crossed, it’s easier to cross those boundaries again.

So perhaps he's always been bi?

This is such a revelation- he’s never talked about men in this way before, but agree, there must have been some interest for him to even go there.

open marriages. It's more likely to be the final nail than the "solution". But you never know

Yes, this sounds like this would get very messy very quickly, and not something I’m comfortable with!

Thanks for taking the time to comment  

 

mental illness can have some horrible impacts on the whole fmaily. The thing is, unless he feels he needs help, he won't change. All the therapy, counselling, etc. won't change someone who doesn't see that much wrong with what they are doing.

[LostMum]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

Meh, I'm not buying his "financial stress" excuse. He's under financial strain, so he buys drugs and pays for sex with prostitutes?

Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If money was so tight it was stressing him out, how could he afford to pay sex workers? I'm sorry to say it, but I think this is just who he is at heart. You and he  are simply not compatible when it comes to monogamy.

He got himself into a bad cycle and couldn’t get out of it. Like you said, it doesn’t really make sense! I know the financial stress is true - I’ve seen his finances, and I’ve seen the burden. But he just picked the worst/harmful/most unhealthy way of ‘relieving’ his stress

[mark clemson]

8 minutes ago, LostMum said:

Thanks for taking the time to comment

My pleasure. I can see where you're coming from. Consider, though, whether "going too easy on him" (e.g. on the mental health aspect) is part of how you got to where you are now. Perhaps you are too tolerant/accepting in some ways?

Ultimately if a partner, for whatever reasons, really really wants to cheat/see prostitutes, etc, there isn't much one can do about it. Playing "monitor" doesn't get one much, except a lot of stress unless there is genuine desire to end it. If the person is sincere in changing, monitoring may help reduce your worries. However, if it's been proven that the person will just look for ways around it, there isn't (IMO) much point.

This appears to go for addictions too in many cases, although that isn't something I know that much about.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LostMum said:

After about 2 hrs of grilling him, he told me the truth, his financial stress driven him to get high and sleep with prostitutes and that he didn’t even know what he was doing.

This makes no sense to me. One does not have sex with a prostitute  “accidentally” for four years. 

3 hours ago, LostMum said:

He took it too far when he invited her over for sex while our child was sleeping and i was at work.

 This would be the only explanation I would provide when I filed for divorce. This shows such exceptionally poor judgment, it’s so unbelievably disrespectful, there are no words...

3 hours ago, LostMum said:

He hasn’t met my conditions as he ended up lying about whether or not he’s at work, he made a fake profile when he wasn’t allowed social media and was looking up his previous woman, and last month i found him using a gay dating app

All the more reasons to file for divorce and not feel one bit of guilt in the breakdown of your marriage. 

If you get along well and you are friendly, that will serve you well when you coparent your child as divorced parents. 

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You didn’t deserve this, what he has done and the way he has tried to minimize things and pass the blame is shameful. Take care. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Financial stress led him to prostitutes? Excuse me ... let's see ... financial stress led me to wrestling with alligators .. led me to jump out of trees ...

 

[Marc878]

Let him go now. You can’t get time/life back. Don’t waste it.

[LostMum]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Financial stress led him to prostitutes? Excuse me ... let's see ... financial stress led me to wrestling with alligators .. led me to jump out of trees ...

 

People handle stress differently!! I imagine most customers of prostitutes are suffering with some sort of difficulty that they want to avoid...

[LostMum]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This makes no sense to me. One does not have sex with a prostitute  “accidentally” for four years. 

 

This is something i keep disputing with him about.. he must know regardless of how high he is, as he had to book the service and actually drive there, smh. 
 

I don’t feel guilty for the breakdown of the marriage, he made poor choices repeatedly and then some. But I feel guilty about not being there for him now - someone told me he’s clearly suffering mentally, as a wife I should be there to support him and not abandon him. I still care for him, and I guess that’s why I’m struggling to get out of the marriage.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Negotaurus]

13 minutes ago, LostMum said:

This is something i keep disputing with him about.. he must know regardless of how high he is, as he had to book the service and actually drive there, smh. 
 

I don’t feel guilty for the breakdown of the marriage, he made poor choices repeatedly and then some. But I feel guilty about not being there for him now - someone told me he’s clearly suffering mentally, as a wife I should be there to support him and not abandon him. I still care for him, and I guess that’s why I’m struggling to get out of the marriage.

Thank you for your kind words.

Personally I don't think you should be cleaning up his mess for him. He created this. He cheated, kept lying, probably cheated again, lied some more. This is his own doing. 

You keep your side of the street clean, his side is up to him. He is not the victim in this. It's time for you to look out for yourself. He keeps stabbing you in the back, why would he protect you now?

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, LostMum said:

People handle stress differently!! I imagine most customers of prostitutes are suffering with some sort of difficulty that they want to avoid...

Sure, but some men just want sex. 

As you said, he picked the absolute worst, most unhealthy, was to manage his stress that he possibly could have chosen...

And I tend to agree with Donnivain above, it’s illogical that one would attempt to deal with financial stress by spending money on prostitutes. It’s not a logical thing to do...

Kindly, at some point you will need to stop making excuses for the man. He is not the victim here, you are. 

I understand your feelings, my partner’s ex wife has significant mental health problems. He left, when it became unhealthy for him and his son to stay. As difficult as it was, he decided that he could not help her, he could not save her... That’s the thing - you did not cause this, you do not control this, you can not cure this. At a certain point, all you can do is protect yourself - emotionally, physically, financially, legally. 
 

Edited April 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[understand50]

LostMum,

I think for your own sanity, you need to look at things as they really are.  You keep making excuses for your husband, and not acknowledging what is really going on.  He is cheating, because he wants too.  Not because he is stressed, not because he is over sexed, but because he has decided he wants too.  It is hard to look at your spouse, father of your child, your lover, best friend as they really are, not as they present themselves to the world and yourself.  Until you do this, you will never be able to make an informed decision on yours and your child's life.   One of the things that comes out here on LS, is the WS, lying, or shading the truth to make it look a good as it can under the circumstances. So the BS, you,  never really knows just what went on.  Things later come out, and then the line is "If I had only known everything, I may have made a different decision". This is bad, but he is doing his best to do this, and you are buying into it.  Look at him with clear eyes, and know that the worst you can image is what was done.

Now, what you must  decide going forward is really up to you.  It is a decision based on what you want, and what is good for your child, but in "real" life, not as you would like it.  Myself, I would not stand for this treatment. 

I wish you luck..

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, LostMum said:

 But I feel guilty about not being there for him now - someone told me he’s clearly suffering mentally, as a wife I should be there to support him and not abandon him.

Tell whatever judgmental busybody who said this insane thing to you that they can go hold this cheater's hand.  He created this mess.  He hurt you.  You are not obligated to reward that behavior by coddling him now.  His actions have consequences.  

[notbroken]

Honestly, there is just too much to come back from.   It would be impossible to ever trust him and that is a cornerstone of a good marriage.  Limbo sucks.  Fix it or break it - and in this case it seems so broken that it would be impossible to really fix.  You are not responsible for his depression, mental health, etc.   He is.  And he is failing that responsibility.  I'm sorry. 

 

[pepperbird2]

So this man, who is making a low wage and is also a father, chooses to spend some of his scant income on prostitutes and drugs rather than his family?

Op, that is NOT okay. He is deep in this, and he likely won't change. Take to from someone who is married to a man living with mental illness. It can make a person incredibly selfish, like they can't see beyond their own mental pain.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, notbroken said:

Honestly, there is just too much to come back from.   It would be impossible to ever trust him and that is a cornerstone of a good marriage. 

Absolutely. Too much water under this bridge - you don’t trust the man (and you shouldn’t) and you don’t want to be intimate with him. How can you have a marriage without these two things. 

Your daughter will live a happy and healthy life if she has two parents who live separately but coparent together.