Should we end our marriage (husband cheated on me)

[NYAG]

22 hours ago, LostMum said:

These are the same views that my friends share, but for some reason this message is  not hitting home for me!! What’s wrong with me   Thank you for taking the time to read & comment. 

You want to try and save your relationship. But think. Would you ever trust him again - really? He put your health, your life, your financial security at risk. And if he would rather bury his stresses in paying for sex rather than confiding in you who should be his first port of call for problems. What does that tell you? You can't love someone who does that, can you?

[NYAG]

22 hours ago, LostMum said:

I have made a pros/cons list, which he ended up finding!! I asked him what he thought of it.. he deemed it inconclusive #storyofmylife You raised some good points.. i think he’ll always be unfaithful.. 

He sounds pretty spineless if he couldn't even come up with a decent response to your list.

[LostMum]

6 hours ago, notbroken said:

Honestly, there is just too much to come back from.   It would be impossible to ever trust him and that is a cornerstone of a good marriage.  Limbo sucks.  Fix it or break it - and in this case it seems so broken that it would be impossible to really fix.  You are not responsible for his depression, mental health, etc.   He is.  And he is failing that responsibility.  I'm sorry. 

 

Needed to hear this, thank you. 

[LostMum]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

He sounds pretty spineless if he couldn't even come up with a decent response to your list.

Think he’s in denial too and doesn’t want to admit what’s blatantly obvious. 

[LostMum]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

You want to try and save your relationship. But think. Would you ever trust him again - really? He put your health, your life, your financial security at risk. And if he would rather bury his stresses in paying for sex rather than confiding in you who should be his first port of call for problems. What does that tell you? You can't love someone who does that, can you?

You’re absolutely right - rather bury his feelings than confide in me. And all this lying - I really can’t trust him..

[LostMum]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

So this man, who is making a low wage and is also a father, chooses to spend some of his scant income on prostitutes and drugs rather than his family?

Op, that is NOT okay. He is deep in this, and he likely won't change. Take to from someone who is married to a man living with mental illness. It can make a person incredibly selfish, like they can't see beyond their own mental pain.

Agree with you - completely selfish and manipulative whether knowingly or not. Hard to see it day-to-day, it’s only when I stop to think about it all that this all seems ridiculous 

[Marc878]

Google serial cheater cheater.

[MsJayne]

I wouldn't even consider his well-being.  You're worrying that if you divorce him it'll send him down the path of depression, but he couldn't care less about your feelings or how he's treated you. Gay dating apps? Affairs with co-workers? Using prostitutes? He's an immature, self-absorbed fool who shouldn't be allowed near children unsupervised. He's also a liar, a cheat, a coward, and an irresponsible father - what sort of person invites some grotty ho from work home for sex while they're meant to be caring for a child?  I would be embarrassed to be married to someone of this caliber, just a low life. 

[Justanaverageguy]

Difficult situation. Aside from the mental anguish of the affairs and his personal issues - many other factors your weighing up which is understandable. Financial implications and the house. Your daughters well being and having a father. I think if your honest with yourself though you already know the "marriage" is essentially over. The fact you have not slept with him in over a year - nor do you want to - says enough. At the moment you aren't really "married". There is no "intimate" relationship per say. You are really just 2 people living in the same house and raising the child together while actually being seperated. But maybe thats a good place to start. I know quite a lot of couples actually do this before divorcing formally.  Sometimes just changing the label you put on the relationship - the way you both view it - can make a big difference to things moving foward. 

Tearing off the bandaid and formally divorcing can be very hard and requires big immidiate changes and financial things like break up of assets. But maybe speaking and changing the terms of your relationship is a good start to eventually move towards that. Breaking the "limbo" aspect can be a good first step to moving towards that final end goal. Wish you the best. 

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you're in denial that your husband is not who you think he is. 

His sexual addictions are out of control. Sadly you are condoning it by staying.

Discontinuing sex may help prevent future STDs but have you even been tested for HIV, hepatitis etc.? 

Men who have sex with men do not necessarily identify themselves as bi or gay.  His sexual orientation is irrelevant anyway.

Google "on the down low". Basically he's gotten so out of control he'll have sex with anything.

I disagree with the poster who thinks your withdrawal from sex turned him gay...or made him cheat more.

These tendencies have been there all along. Your marriage is simply a sham to cover that up.

However I also think you're staying because you are uninformed about divorce options or it's not permitted in your culture/religion.

[LostMum]

4 hours ago, Justanaverageguy said:

Difficult situation. Aside from the mental anguish of the affairs and his personal issues - many other factors your weighing up which is understandable. Financial implications and the house. Your daughters well being and having a father. I think if your honest with yourself though you already know the "marriage" is essentially over. The fact you have not slept with him in over a year - nor do you want to - says enough. At the moment you aren't really "married". There is no "intimate" relationship per say. You are really just 2 people living in the same house and raising the child together while actually being seperated. But maybe thats a good place to start. I know quite a lot of couples actually do this before divorcing formally.  Sometimes just changing the label you put on the relationship - the way you both view it - can make a big difference to things moving foward. 

Tearing off the bandaid and formally divorcing can be very hard and requires big immidiate changes and financial things like break up of assets. But maybe speaking and changing the terms of your relationship is a good start to eventually move towards that. Breaking the "limbo" aspect can be a good first step to moving towards that final end goal. Wish you the best. 

Thanks - this is exactly how I’m feeling. And yes, we are like 2 people (or friends), separated, and living together.  Think your suggestion of breaking the limbo would be a good first step

[LostMum]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

His sexual addictions are out of control. Sadly you are condoning it by staying.

Google "on the down low". Basically he's gotten so out of control he'll have sex with anything.

However I also think you're staying because you are uninformed about divorce options or it's not permitted in your culture/religion.

Yeah i think you’re right there about ‘on the down low’.. he would get sexual satisfaction from anything.. 

I think i’m overthinking all the practical details which is stopping me from moving forward, i.e.

1) Buying him out from my home (why is he being rewarded for cheating - a lawyer i spoke to said he’s entitled to 50%, but can argue down to 10% or 20% depending on how difficult he’s being)

2) Scared of being a single mum, in terms of relinquishing my time & freedom, and physical toll on me without any support. But I suppose I will just adapt like all single parents, with no family support

3) Losing my best friend. 10 years with someone who I’m so comfortable with, I can’t even imagine being with someone else who would accept me. I know all of you will be saying “you’re comfortable with him, but he’s not been comfortable with you”, and there would be someone who could treat me better. I have my flaws too, just impossible to see myself sharing them with anyone else. I guess it’s a process to separate from him emotionally.

4) The two times that we’ve separated, he’s been so distraught with being away from our daughter. But then I don’t get why he would say that if we ever divorce, he will move away from this area as he wants to get away from the life here and his parents (live in the same area). Is this manipulation to make me feel guilty, because that’s how I feel when he says this. And i guess that’s his choice. Whether or not he would actually do this is a different matter. 

Sorry i’m just venting now 😂

[Crazelnut]

Why are you making excuses for him? He doesn't care about you or the pain he caused you. Forget his BS excuses. He's still lying to you ( no surprise, because that's what liars do). Loads of people have mental illness and financial pressure, and don't feel the need to have sex with any willing body. And they don't have months-long affairs with a coworker - in the sober light of day.

This man is not a victim. He's a crappy human being. He didn't give a crap about exposing you to nasty STDs. He's a terrible father -- taking his small income and giving it to hookers and drug dealers instead of to his wife & child! Why aren't you angry??

Look, you can't respect him and you're certainly not in love with him. Do you want your child growing up under his influence? Just get him out of your life. If he can prove he's not doing drugs, let him around your son. Think about your son! How can you ever trust your husband to keep a decent job and be sober enough to take care of his child?!

If you basically have to single parent while married to this selfish liar, why not just get rid of him and truly single parent, It will actually be easier than having him around -- no policing him, no worry about what he's bringing home.

[Fletch Lives]

On 4/21/2021 at 1:34 PM, LostMum said:

When i asked him about it, he said it was the safer option rather than being tempted by females on a hetero dating app.

That's the lamest excuse ever - It does not even make sense

 

This happens alot - people should divorce but they don't because they don't want to change - so they stay in a rut and live a life of quiet desperation.

 

You may someday get mad at him enough to divorce. But not yet.

[LostMum]

1 minute ago, Crazelnut said:

taking his small income and giving it to hookers and drug dealers instead of to his wife & child! Why aren't you angry??

Look, you can't respect him and you're certainly not in love with him. Do you want your child growing up under his influence? Just get him out of your life. If he can prove he's not doing drugs, let him around your son. Think about your son! How can you ever trust your husband to keep a decent job and be sober enough to take care of his child?!

If you basically have to single parent while married to this selfish liar, why not just get rid of him and truly single parent, It will actually be easier than having him around -- no policing him, no worry about what he's bringing home.

I hear you. And it’s a good question.

I have found my reaction to this whole debacle very strange, and I don’t get why i’m not being emotional. Maybe to protect myself.

When i first found out at 3am, i cried, i wrote a lift of things to do, my thoughts, the questions i wanted to ask him. In the morning, I pretended everything was fine, and let him go to work. While he was at work, I spoke to a therapist, a lawyer, and made childcare arrangements for the week. When he got home, i asked him specific questions, allowing him to tell me the truth without me giving away how much i know. He kept on lying. And then i would delve, and it took 2 hours for him to put down his wall and be honest. Only when he was being honest did i cry again, otherwise, i was matter-of-fact and calm.

For the entire year, i probably only cried less than 10 times? I never got angry. And every time  i found new evidence, i would sit down and talk to him calmly and sensitively. I always wonder why i’m under-reacting. Maybe if i had been angry, things would be different 

He’s sober - there’s a massive change in him. I do trust him around our daughter, i do believe he would never act like this around my daughter again - i hope im not being naive when it comes to her, but it’s just the gut feeling i have. At least for the time being 

I bet all of you think i’m so naive and hopeless 

[LostMum]

12 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

You may someday get mad at him enough to divorce. But not yet.

100%

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, LostMum said:

 

I bet all of you think i’m so naive and hopeless 

Yes, I do. I absolutely cannot fathom why you haven't kicked him to the curb.  You need therapy to figure out why you respect yourself so little.

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, LostMum said:

I bet all of you think i’m so naive and hopeless 

No. I absolutely get it. I've been there so many times and I still make the same mistake.  I am hardened to it but I get it. You hope. x

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, LostMum said:

I bet all of you think i’m so naive and hopeless

Not at all. I think you're trying to navigate a difficult situation and come out as unscathed as possible. Unfortunately, I think it's time to rip off the bandaid and start taking steps toward divorcing him. I've never known a man to even consider trying to connect with other men because it's a "safer option than being tempted by women on a hetero site." That's one whopper of an excuse. Start thinking about and doing what is best for you and your child. Even if you have to buy him out of the house, it's better than staying in your current situation.

[prince0fgame]

On 4/21/2021 at 1:34 PM, LostMum said:

I found out that my husband cheated on me in Feb 2020. We had been married for 6 yrs, with a 1.5 yr old child. His phone pinged at 3am one evening, and I had a gut feeling to check his phone (my 1st time, had otherwise blindly trusted him). I found evidence of a sexual affair with an ex-colleague lasting about 3 months, plus about 4 years of him using prostitutes and discussing them with his best friend. I confronted him, and he would outright lie and deny even with me knowing, I just wanted him to tell me the truth. After about 2 hrs of grilling him, he told me the truth, his financial stress driven him to get high and sleep with prostitutes and that he didn’t even know what he was doing. He says he has a lot of anxiety, at times was depressed. The affair with the ex-colleague was obviously a conscious decision as he was sober, and I imagine he was just enjoying the attention. He took it too far when he invited her over for sex while our child was sleeping and i was at work. We separated for about a week. He moved back in as he wanted to make it work, and I was still confused and in shock. I allowed it if he met my conditions.
 

My conditions were couple’s therapy, him seeing his own therapist, quality time together and open communication (so no lying), no social media for a while (as he kept trying to entertain females on there), a promise to keep looking for better jobs (as he’s been on minimum wage for his entire life, despite being educated, so he literally doesn’t try looking, which has caused financial stress which led to him using prostitutes) 

We spent a few months in couple’s therapy, then we separated again as I lost all desire towards him. He moved back in without my agreement and has been living here since.

1 year has passed now. I’ve made it clear that I don’t trust him, and i’m not attracted to him. We haven’t had any intimacy for a year. However i do love him as a best friend, and it’s great seeing him now bond with his child as he’s home more. We’ve been getting along great most of the time - like we’re a family, watching tv and cooking together. Although, thinking of us as husband/wife, I’m not really happy with the marriage and want to explore different options, but at the same time, i feel stuck in fear of breaking up the family, what would happen to our home, how we would raise our child, and I don’t want to send my husband down a path of depression as he’s very dependent on me.
 

He hasn’t met my conditions as he ended up lying about whether or not he’s at work, he made a fake profile when he wasn’t allowed social media and was looking up his previous woman, and last month i found him using a gay dating app, which has really thrown me. Has my lack of desire in him driven him to be gay/bi - is it my doing? When i asked him about it, he said it was the safer option rather than being tempted by females on a hetero dating app. I’m just so confused about what i want out of fear of consequences and change, and have gotten used to living in denial and never talking about us as a ‘couple’

Most people look at marriage as an obligation (even the vows seem like an obligation), which is why most marriages fail. Marriage is a commitment. It is an everyday commitment. You renew your vows every single moment of every single day, not just once every 5 years. Romance is something that exists in the moment. The problem arises when we try to encapsulate it and crystalize it. This actually kills the romance. Some of the happiest couples I know aren't legally married. But they are madly in love with each other.

Marriage as a failure is an institutionalized thing and not a person to person thing. I personally believe that people should just focus on the emotions of romance and not get too caught up in labels like "relationship" or "marriage."

I've been in several romances in the past where the woman would stop the FLOW of romantic energy our of fear. She would then ask "Where is this going" "Who are we?" Do you know what this did? She thinks she's doing the relationship a favor buy holding back, but she actually killed the spark. I would lose all attraction. Even if I said "we are a couple now," it would be empty words. I probably said it because I just wanted to get laid. And I seriously think this is how A LOT  people get into relationships and marriage!

Attraction and romance is an in the moment thing. It is a daily commitment. It is not an obligation. You cannot freeze frame it. You cannot get a "guarantee" out of it. Trying to do so would kill the romantic tension and vibe.

But alas, humans have much to learn. They tried to take some spontaneous and make it concrete. It is two opposing energies.

Your "marriage" to him means nothing (in the romantic sense, not the legal sense). There is no romance. The romance probably died a long time ago. He is legally obligated to you but probably has very low attraction for you. And vice versa. Perhaps you are still trying to hold on to dogmatic beliefs about marriage.

Marriage is a man made institution. And all man made institutions are born from ego/fear. So it can really never last.

The exceptions are those who have a healthy relationship with romance. They know romance is not bounded by a label. And when they are "feeling it", they do not hold back and ask "What is this? Are we a couple?" They are not concerned with mere formalities. They let go and let love.

Romance. Damned it you do. Damned if you don't. This is the beauty of it. There are no guarantees. Man's attempt to turn it into an obligation has pretty much ruined it. 

[Wiseman2]

You need a better lawyer to talk to. In some cases the defendant (if you are smart enough to file first) has to pay all the legal fees for both plaintiff and defendant.

You can't really get the type of legal advice you'll need for this free from the internet. You'll also need to get to a physician for STD testing. 

[LostMum]

7 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

Most people look at marriage as an obligation (even the vows seem like an obligation), which is why most marriages fail. Marriage is a commitment. It is an everyday commitment. You renew your vows every single moment of every single day, not just once every 5 years. Romance is something that exists in the moment. The problem arises when we try to encapsulate it and crystalize it. This actually kills the romance. Some of the happiest couples I know aren't legally married. But they are madly in love with each other.

I personally believe that people should just focus on the emotions of romance and not get too caught up in labels like "relationship" or "marriage."

I've been in several romances in the past where the woman would stop the FLOW of romantic energy our of fear. She would then ask "Where is this going" "Who are we?" Do you know what this did? She thinks she's doing the relationship a favor buy holding back, but she actually killed the spark. I would lose all attraction. Even if I said "we are a couple now," it would be empty words. I probably said it because I just wanted to get laid. And I seriously think this is how A LOT  people get into relationships and marriage!

 

I do agree with what you say about romantic energy, and it’s a daily commitment. Not sure if i agree re labels - don’t think it always kills the spark, and can strengthen bonds. But it’s really up to those individuals to be committed to each other regardless of any labels. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost Mum, I have browsed through your thread and some things stand out clearly. Firstly, your husband is a loser big time and when I say that I mean he has psychological problems which are beyond the scope of either of you being able to solve. He will need psychiatric treatment for his problems and this may be a long drawn out and costly process. Secondly, he had acquired some coping mechanisms such as visiting prostitutes and some drug abuse which will need to be part of his psychiatric treatment to help him overcome them. Thirdly, you seem to have been drawn into the vortex of his problems where you are now beating about the bush, rather than tackling the problem head on. You literally need to take the bull by the horns and distance yourself from this man otherwise, you yourself will end up with psychological problems of your own.

There is only one thing you have to do and do immediately and that is divorce him and stay away from him. He is like an albatross round your neck and he will drag you and your poor innocent child, down in the mire with him. Sorry to be so blunt but you owe it to yourself. Warm regards.

[Alfano]

On 4/21/2021 at 1:34 PM, LostMum said:

I just wanted him to tell me the truth. After about 2 hrs of grilling him, he told me the truth, his financial stress driven him to get high and sleep with prostitutes and that he didn’t even know what he was doing.

You're smarter than this. You have to be.

 

[emotionallybroken9]

Hi lostmum. Sorry you’re going through this. I’ve just recently separated from my stbex, and it wasn’t really my “choice” for us to split. Of course she could’ve stayed if things were working, but after living together for 2 years after DDay, there was so much fighting at the end. It was best for her to move out. Why? Because if she wanted to stay, there would’ve been efforts on her part for that. 
 

don’t get me wrong, she’s been so supportive throughout the whole thing. She showed true remorse. Course I would’ve loved to work it out, but it takes two to tango. You know what I mean? I’m moving forward with that in my heart. It’s not closed to her, which is why I don’t talk with her. 
 

“Everyone has potential to be good. We can start a new relationship if they just want it.”

 

the truth is mum... they don’t want this. That’s why they left us years ago. See, they’ve had years to emotionally check out and heal. You and I? We’re just starting that path. We didn’t even wanna go on it. But here you are. 
 

mum... please look up the stages of GRIEF. It took me two years to realize that HOPE and DENIAL are the same, damn, thing. 
 

the death of the man you married... he’s gone. That man you first men. He died a long time ago. He’s never coming back. 
 

Now you’re “dating” this “new” man. Tell me... does he increase your happiness? Does having him around improve YOUR quality of life? Sure, he has the POTENTIAL to do it, but does he? If he wasn’t your ex husband. If you met this guy on tinder, would you STILL invite him to come over to your home to date you? To be around your kid? 
 

are you dependant on him for money? Can you be okay with just you and your kid? Is THIS man better than the ex husband that died years ago? 
 

it’s okay to have hope. I still have it, but I’m willfully acknowledging that it’s a stage of my own grief process. He was your constant, just as she was mine. It’s scary without them, but... it really does get better  both of you can find your own version of happiness. 
 

no judgement here. Take as long as you need. We’re here for you ❤️