Should we end our marriage (husband cheated on me)

[photogirl2006]

If he hasn't met any conditions you've set and isn't showing he wants to change at all then he needs to go and now. You need to protect yourself and your child. Having sex with the woman while your child was sleeping? Yuck. He sounds horrid.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/21/2021 at 2:02 PM, LostMum said:

These are the same views that my friends share, but for some reason this message is  not hitting home for me!! What’s wrong with me   Thank you for taking the time to read & comment. 

I think you may be strongly codependent (study up on it) and you married a man-child. You say you can't/aren't talking as a couple. That's because technically you aren't. It appears you are more like his mommy and he plays around when you're not looking (or you're too busy working/supporting the household to notice).

Why on earth are you blaming yourself for his same-sex interests? You can't cause that in another person.

Also you should stop seeing him as a helpless victim who needs extra coddling (i.e. understanding and excuses for his bad behavior).

What he really needs is a good swift kick in the arse. If I were you, I'd give him a good swift kick right out the door. I realize you're not in that place, or possibly able to see my point of view at present, but hopefully you'll take some steps to get there. 

This will never get better for you. He's going to milk you for all you've got until someday you feel you've got nothing left to give (to anybody)...UNLESS you end this now. He will not magically realize he needs to change or treat you better. He very much seems comfortable in his arrangement...and why not? He gets to disregard you, disrespect you, do as he pleases with whomever he pleases, and yet you're always there like a cozy security blanket supporting him, feeling sorry for him, letting him depend on you, etc.

You're his mommy and he's the unruly, sex-crazed teenage boy. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/22/2021 at 3:22 AM, LostMum said:

People handle stress differently!! I imagine most customers of prostitutes are suffering with some sort of difficulty that they want to avoid...

I'm not sure about "most" here. Perhaps some. I venture to say moat just want to get laid or even enjoy the risky thrill of sexual acts with a prostitute. 

I am really pointing this out to hopefully help you recognize how you are:

1) making excuses for, and even 2) defending his bad behavior and poor choices, which will only serve to further:

A) entrench you in your denial of the reality of what's going on, and B) keep you stuck in a pattern of hopelessness and disempowerment.

You and your child deserve better. 

[LostMum]

On 4/27/2021 at 9:41 PM, emotionallybroken9 said:

the death of the man you married... he’s gone. That man you first men. He died a long time ago. He’s never coming back. 

Now you’re “dating” this “new” man. Tell me... does he increase your happiness? Does having him around improve YOUR quality of life? Sure, he has the POTENTIAL to do it, but does he? If he wasn’t your ex husband. If you met this guy on tinder, would you STILL invite him to come over to your home to date you? To be around your kid?

Thanks for your advice and perspective. Really insightful. My head knows that this ‘new man’ is not for me, my heart is playing catch up. I’m glad that you’re doing a lot better. I’m looking forward to being in that place one day.

 

[BaileyB]

On 4/29/2021 at 11:50 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm not sure about "most" here. Perhaps some. I venture to say moat just want to get laid or even enjoy the risky thrill of sexual acts with a prostitute. 

I agree completely. “Most” men will suffer some kind of setback in their life - be that employment, financial, marital, health... I know very few men who have dealt with that challenge by seeking out a prostitute. It’s not a normal, healthy, or adaptive way of responding to stress. 

I would suggest that those who do seek out a prostitute do so because they want sex. I know one man who is in a relationship and he visits “the masseuse” regularly because he wants sex. I’m sure initially there was a certain thrill, but now he has a need and he seeks a service provider. Period. 

I too worry about your tendency OP to minimize, excuse, and accept blame for his decision to seek out a prostitute. This decision rests entirely with the man. And, I don’t buy it that this was his way of coping with life stress... there were literally so many other things he could have done that would not have jeopardized your health, your marriage, and the financial stability of his family. I would have no empathy. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB