I am ready to walk - he won't stand up for me

[jamesbondgirl]

I'm in love with a wonderful man, we'll call him J. He works hard, he provides me with a wonderful life. He has always been my best friend and helps me and loves me, especially during some terrible times of illness. The BIG problem is despite all this "wonderfulness" HIS family can basically say or do anything they want to me (and him) and he defends them, finds all types of LUDACRIS loop-holes and explanations despite their obvious actions.

For example: His Grandpa raises puppies/dogs, I help him sell them at my home and I get a commission. Recently I got a call asking for some health details that I explained easily, I also knew if she talked to Gpa she would be more comfortable. Well, he invited her over to HIS HOME and sold a dog right out from under me. When days went by and I asked about the phone call, he told me he sold the dog. I asked about my commission and he tells me I told him to sell her the dog. I didn't of course and I said, "Gpa that's a lie, I never said that to you". He flips out, calls me a F-ing B**** and hangs up on me.

 

Now my J came up with ALL sorts of reasons for Gpa's behavior, here are a few:

1. In an argument people say things they don't mean, you were in an argument so that's what you get.

2. There was just a misunderstanding.

3. What did you call him?

4. Tell me again what you said?

5. Oh, Gpa can be a mean one sometimes.

 

And so on!

 

I asked J to simple tell Gpa, "Please do not use such language with her again, if you have something nasty to say, come talk to me." We agreed upon that! Instead J lets Gpa take control of the conversation, asks him all sorts of questions and so on. J totally ignored me when i was asking him to stop talking to Gpa and re-group with me, as he had totally changed what he told me he would say and would not even make eye contact with me.

 

I asked J why he was not more direct with Gpa and he said, "I don't want to burn bridges, or hurt his feelings". Is that or is that not CRAZY? I mean, Gpa is the one who chose to use terrible language, in addition to saying some other pretty ugly things. J is scared of losing their love if he stands up for me. He claims I am the only perosn in the world who makes him happy.

 

The next day Gpa calls the house and asks for J, he wasn't home and Gpa hangs up on me!

So again, I ask J to deal with it. He tells me later, "Gpa said he didn't hang up on you. Maybe you got disconnected?" I told him how Gpa was in a huff on his last words and how I heard a click. Also, if we would have been suddenly disconnected wouldn't he have called back? If the conversation was "normal" as Gpa said it was, wouldn't I have said "goodbye" as well?

 

J and I have had this problem with just about every other family member as well. They seem to judge me for not being like they are and doing what they say. When I was terribly ill, many times they would yell at me on the phone that they knew I did not like them becasue i could not visit, when in fact, I was too ill to even get out of bed. All the while J defended them and did not validate my feelings.

 

We've been in therapy before, and he is seeing a therapists, he is also on anti-depressants now as all he has ever done is work for his family business and he is terrible unhappy. J also bought his Gparents a home with his father, and seems to only be capable of giving to all of them, which is endearing but we go without. When Ia sk J about confronting his family it takes about 2-4 hours to get him to even comprehend why it is important, then about a week to sink in, then he finally comes around that he should have supported me, but he will still argue their point even months later!

 

He tells me I an quick to get mad. In this family, who the heck can blame me?! I feel like he is judging me too, deciding what response is acceptable, when and if I should be upset. What's worse is I cared for his Gpa like my own.

 

It's been a terrible past few weeks. I am feeling no love and I want to leave him. Furthermore is my Mom always made excuses for my dad, who hurt me and my siblings with horrific abuse. I feel like i am repeating a pattern.

 

What should I do?

[loony]

He flips out, calls me a F-ing B**** and hangs up on me.

Are you sure you want to stay in this family? If he is not even an exception and they all are like this, then I'd pack my bags and run like Forrest Gump. And very likely you will also not get much farther with your boyfriend, he's probably really brainwashed and not able to look at his family objectively. If you do like him, suggest counseling on neutral ground to offer him a more objective perspective on the situation. He might not want to understand you, because he's already very defensive. Getting an opinion from an outsider might help.

[slubberdegullion]

Loony has it spot on (though I don't know if I'd use the Forrest Gump reference ). Why subject yourself to that sort of abuse?

 

The other part of this, though, is that your bf is put in an impossible situation: if he defends you, he may alienate his family. If he defends his family, he pisses you off. If he stays entirely neutral, then he gets blasted from both sides. No matter what he does, he loses.

 

But with that said, it seems to me that he isn't showing you the proper amount of respect. Ditch the bugger and move on.

[Outcast]

How do they treat him? Most people I know who work so hard to earn the approval of their families have been rejected and treated rather badly by them throughout their lives. Which sometimes doesn't make for a mature adult who's ready to be in a relationship.