No Affection or Sex

[usnvfa103]

We have been married for almost 20 yrs with 6 kids (2 are no longer with us, 1 passed after adoption, the other girl adopted from China was disrupted). So no we have 2 biological ....bio kids are 15 and 3.  2 middle children are adopted (girl 5 is domestic adoption, 8 yr old is boy adopted from China)
So all the adoptions were all my wife's idea including fostering.  I went along to be a supportive and loving husband so she could be happy.
I have been there through thick and thin for all these adoptions. So here is the problem. Before the 15 yr old our sex life was great
after the birth, the Dr. didn't sew her up right and every time have sex it hurts. Then we had the 3 yr old girl when she wanted to be intimate.  Even this occasion it hurt her. So she had surgery to fix this. 

But based on time that we both work and so many kids, its hard to find time and when we do have time, she rejects me most often than not.  But she has time to be on Facebook and her phone playing Scrabble.  The one thing that stands out in my mind and hurts the most is that I had to be rushed to the hospital 2x in the last 7 yrs.  One for my appendix and the other due to stress of adopting the 12 yr old girl from China and neither of those time did my wife accompany me and be with me at the hospital.  I can remember the appendix laying on the bed ready to go into the OR and talking on the phone with her.   

Every time we talk about sex or have arguments she threatens to divorce me and that she has to be on Prozac because she has to in order to be married to me.    I think she uses Divorce as a scare tactic.   And then she wants access to all my financial accounts.  I've told my mother this and she has always maintained that I not share my any of my financial accounts. So we have a join account where we pay bills and thats it.  I don't trust that she may be vindictive and empty my accounts. I'm not sure what she is capable of due to the story she told me about a guy she dated yrs ago. She found out he was cheating and went over to the guys house and was going to drive her car through his house.

Today she asked me what was wrong.   I told her that I am sick and tired of begging, initiating sex, tired of not getting any physical reciprocation.  I feel unloved and the constant rejections.   She is only working part time now until her new job starts with only 1 kid at home who still takes naps.   And guess what it spiraled again to divorce and she doesn't need me or any man.   That she doesn't need my money and she is tired of being negative all the time and why are my accounts closed from her.    Its always my fault that I need to find a new wife who can make me happy.   I don't want to put the children thru a divorce since I grew in a divorced family as well as her.   It would kill me to have to share visitation with my kids.  Then after she said all that she and hugged.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and am I just delaying the inevitable?

Edited April 22, 2021 by usnvfa103

[lovebooks]

There is so much to deal with here.  Your relationship is so full of distractions.  You need to go to   a counselor on your own and she should see one too.  You definitely need to see a counselor together.  The children must hear you fighting so please don't think they're clueless.  Don't delay.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, usnvfa103 said:

she is tired of being negative all the time and why are my accounts closed from her. 

Isn't it marital property? Is that legal in your jurisdiction? She's right, get divorced.

Once you speak with an attorney about your situation and your options, you can move forward better informed.

She as well can consult an attorney to clarify if withholding marital assets during marriage is legal in your area.

 Since she does not want sex, for whatever reason, it's time to dissolve the  marriage.

[hhy]

I feel for you. Lets not talk kids yet because i dont have an hour to write (what id really would like to say to you.** c below)

 

Dont give up on your dreams or yourself.

 

In this case, from your perspective, my intuition tells me she suffered a bad divorce with her parents and she is making up for it in adoption/through kids.

 

Sex alone, can take up this whole conversation, but withholding affections and threatening divorce does not come from a place of stability or in my humble opinion, sanity. Affections are essential in any relationship. Where as withholding your financial assets ie like a prenup may be essential. 

 

In one phrase: "what do you really want, and what do you need that you cant live without?" Start from there. 

 

My advice as a parent, is dont ever settle, be the role model you never had, or the best you can be, and that would be enough for the kids. I wrote a ton** about how parents need to be there for their kids or in his case step son on TRIDENT'S post**. With love, you can do anything, no matter how painful. But your kids need to see that you LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. When you take care of you, your kids, family and all the affection you can handle will come because YOU have fulfilled your needs; YOU alone have the power to effect positive change. Figure out the phrase above, then Take Care of it, Take Care of You (1st priniciple). Only when you are loved will you have the power to love. Love yourself.

The rest will follow.

 

-Always here. I feel for you.

 

[mark clemson]

If you feel there's something worth saving here, consider marriage counseling before simply divorcing.

I feel like she is unwise to threaten divorce regularly as an "I win" button, as now it seems you are about ready to call what may well be a bluff.

You must make your own choices. If it were me, I would try to communicate (civilly) first. It seems like you have been doing this. If that really, really doesn't work, I might look into what a divorce might look like (many US family attorneys will give free initial consults, and you can ask several to shop around a bit) and then come back to her with "it's either marriage counseling or divorce - take your pick" and see how that goes. She might pick divorce, but if I were to bet, I'd be betting on the MC once she sees you're serious. I could certainly be wrong about that.

If you do counseling, one thing to be clear on is that you both have needs, and LT marriage often involves plenty of compromise, from both, so that both your needs are met to a reasonable extent.

GL.

 

Edited April 23, 2021 by mark clemson

[usnvfa103]

2 hours ago, hhy said:

I feel for you. Lets not talk kids yet because i dont have an hour to write (what id really would like to say to you.** c below)

 

Dont give up on your dreams or yourself.

 

In this case, from your perspective, my intuition tells me she suffered a bad divorce with her parents and she is making up for it in adoption/through kids.

 

Sex alone, can take up this whole conversation, but withholding affections and threatening divorce does not come from a place of stability or in my humble opinion, sanity. Affections are essential in any relationship. Where as withholding your financial assets ie like a prenup may be essential. 

 

In one phrase: "what do you really want, and what do you need that you cant live without?" Start from there. 

 

My advice as a parent, is dont ever settle, be the role model you never had, or the best you can be, and that would be enough for the kids. I wrote a ton** about how parents need to be there for their kids or in his case step son on TRIDENT'S post**. With love, you can do anything, no matter how painful. But your kids need to see that you LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. When you take care of you, your kids, family and all the affection you can handle will come because YOU have fulfilled your needs; YOU alone have the power to effect positive change. Figure out the phrase above, then Take Care of it, Take Care of You (1st priniciple). Only when you are loved will you have the power to love. Love yourself.

The rest will follow.

 

-Always here. I feel for you.

 

Thanks for the feedback.   I did forget to mention she had a prenup before we got married.  Thats why we have separate checking with a joint to pay the bills.   

Every serious argument that comes maybe 1 every 2 yrs, the crap about divorce comes out.   I replay, really, I thought you were a Bible loving woman who took our vows serious.   I don't feel like its safe to allow her access due to this, threatening ending a marriage every single time.   If she was crazy enough to think about driving a car throw someone's car, what is there to stop her from draining all my accounts. 

What I can't do is live without having access to my kids.  What I want is more frequent affection, the sex I can do with 1-2x a month.  But hell its been 2x in the last 3 yrs.   She also sleeps with our 3 yr old daughter and refuses to push the issue that the 3 yr old should sleep by herself now that she has stopped breast feeding in the last 3 months.

Sometimes I wonder why I sacrificed so much just to make someone happy but then threaten divorce because they want to be in control and withhold sex.   I still can't believe that she told me you need to go find someone that wants the sex all the time.   Just willing to throw away 20 yrs with 4 kids.

 

 

[usnvfa103]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you feel there's something worth saving here, consider marriage counseling before simply divorcing.

I feel like she is unwise to threaten divorce regularly as an "I win" button, as now it seems you are about ready to call what may well be a bluff.

You must make your own choices. If it were me, I would try to communicate (civilly) first. It seems like you have been doing this. If that really, really doesn't work, I might look into what a divorce might look like (many US family attorneys will give free initial consults, and you can ask several to shop around a bit) and then come back to her with "it's either marriage counseling or divorce - take your pick" and see how that goes. She might pick divorce, but if I were to bet, I'd be betting on the MC once she sees you're serious. I could certainly be wrong about that.

If you do counseling, one thing to be clear on is that you both have needs, and LT marriage often involves plenty of compromise, from both, so that both your needs are met to a reasonable extent.

GL.

 

We have already been through marriage counseling years ago over the same issues.   She doesn't feel that its important to work on obviously since it comes up ever 2-3 yrs.  I wonder how bad her father was to her mother.  I know he beat her mother after coming home from Vietnam.   No wonder she always says she doesn't need a man to make her happy.

I know deep in my heart that I have done everything to express how I feel.   I'm sick and tire of sleeping alone, begging or hinting toward sexy time.   Wanting to adopt so many kids and having issues and putting our bio kids through so much.

[usnvfa103]

23 hours ago, lovebooks said:

There is so much to deal with here.  Your relationship is so full of distractions.  You need to go to   a counselor on your own and she should see one too.  You definitely need to see a counselor together.  The children must hear you fighting so please don't think they're clueless.  Don't delay.

We've already been and guess what, none of it is her fault.   

[elaine567]

You have a resentful unhappy wife that you hide your finances from.
Women who are resentful and unhappy do not want to have sex with the guy who is the source of their unhappiness.
Did the op fix her pain on intercourse? If not, then why would she want to have sex with you? Pain on intercourse is no fun.
Also, you don't trust her with your money, she doesn't trust you with her body.
i guess she probably does not want a divorce, due to the kids, but she doesn't want to have sex with you either, she is so mad at you, and nothing will resolve as long as you hide your money from her.
Happy wife, happy life...

[usnvfa103]

27 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You have a resentful unhappy wife that you hide your finances from.
Women who are resentful and unhappy do not want to have sex with the guy who is the source of their unhappiness.
Did the op fix her pain on intercourse? If not, then why would she want to have sex with you? Pain on intercourse is no fun.
Also, you don't trust her with your money, she doesn't trust you with her body.
i guess she probably does not want a divorce, due to the kids, but she doesn't want to have sex with you either, she is so mad at you, and nothing will resolve as long as you hide your money from her.
Happy wife, happy life...

Well maybe she should have asked for the prenup before we got married.   This was not an issue at the beginning and thats why we have separate accts.   4 kids later and all these adoptions, and she want to see if we have money to adopt more.   NO THANK YOU.  All of a sudden in the last 3 yrs she wants access?  If  you are capable of thinking driving a car through someone's house  you are  capable of draining $.

Edited April 23, 2021 by usnvfa103

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, usnvfa103 said:

If  you are capable of thinking driving a car through someone's house  you are  capable of draining $.

But she didn't actually do it did she?
Not sure exactly why you are still holding this against her...

[BaileyB]

I feel like we are getting one side of the story here.  I really have to wonder what she would say if she was also posting.

Going by what you have shared, you describe a cold and disengaged woman, who is demanding in terms of the adoptions and your finances, and unwilling to compromise. I read your post and wondered to myself, if this is really true - why have you stayed and agreed to all of these adoptions? It feels like you have gone a far way down this road and only now, decided you want to turn back. The challenge is, it’s hard to turn back and change things after certain decisions have been made and patterns have been firmly established. 

If marriage counselling has not been productive, it would seem that you have two choices - acceptance, or divorce. And if she is really as difficult and unwilling to compromise as you describe, the next time she threatens divorce - I would call her bluff. 

Edited April 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Kamau]

Let her go, she’s not in tune anymore.. staying will only bring more disappointments