Was I the rebound?

[JoTheConfused]

I know it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m in no contact and will stay no contact forever but with the quarantine and everything I just keep wondering. Here’s my story:

My ex was with this girl for about 9 months (his first girlfriend). He even “almost” cheated on her once when she was on a three-month trip (he told me this in an attempt to tell me it was hard for him to stay faithful to her but that he didn’t feel that way toward me but it only made me anxious). The girl’s mother made them break up, saying he wasn’t well-off enough and his daughter was at an age to get married (she was only 22!!!) We were friends for about 4 years in college, I was there for him after his split (he wasn't much of a talker and didn't talk about his ex much, we just grew closer and spent more time with each other) and we started dating about 6 or 7 months after his break up. They were not in contact and he had even blocked her because she wanted to stay in contact and meet in secret but he said there was no point in doing so. Before even one month into us dating he was scrolling through folders and he was showing me some pictures and I saw a folder of pictures with the name of his ex. When I mentioned it, he told me he didn’t even know if it was there and deleted the folder even when I told him it wasn’t necessary and he told me why would I even need them?

We dated for about 3 and a half years and we were pretty serious. We intended on getting married (he was the one who was keen on the idea of getting married and having children) and everything, his family loved me and really wanted us to end up together but we had a lot of fights towards the end of the relationship. Sometimes he’d say things that weren’t exactly nice and made me insecure, I’d constantly ask for more of his time and reassurance which annoyed him.

He said he was depressed and had suicidal thoughts but refused to seek treatment all the while talking about starting a family with me which made me have anxiety…Oh and once after 3 years of dating, during one of our fights his ex came up and I asked him if he was completely over her, he said of course he was. He told me she was going on that three month trip to Italy she had given him her empty perfume bottle so that he would smell it every time he missed her and be reminded of her. He told me that he had even thrown that empty perfume bottle away when he was moving to his new apartment. The thing that struck me was whether he had knowingly kept that empty perfume bottle all along or if he had found it when he was moving. And if he had kept it all along why tell me about it and why throw it away when we were in our worst state in the relationship and kept having fights. He also asked me to stop asking questions like that and putting ideas into his head. (I know he had thrown away some t-shirts she had brought for him from Italy).

Anyways, after many fights, he broke up with me, blamed me for the whole thing and kept asking me to sleep with him even though I had told him that doing so would only hurt me since I had feelings for him and wanted a relationship. Sometimes I think maybe it’s my fault he even dared propose such a thing because when he was breaking up with me in addition to all the stupid things I said I asked so is this the last time we kissed and slept together and he said it didn’t have to be. We met a few times after that. I was confused. I wanted him to talk about the confusing things he had told me, that he had missed me and wanted to see me but he was not much of a talker so I kinda seduced him, we kissed but I didn’t let him go much further than that.

We were supposed to talk once more. I had made him promise not to make a sex move on me when I got there and he did it. He kinda forced himself on me that day and it was reeeaaally confusing because I wanted it. I had even shaved just in case, I could have run away when he started but all I did was press my legs together and asked him repeatedly not to. I don’t really know if it counts because it’s really what I wanted deep down and I was there! I just knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do for me and that’s why I said no. Neither of us could stay away for long after the break up and we would contact each other one way or another (he mostly did so for sex). We even got back together once but didn’t last over a week. He told me the reason why he kept asking me to sleep with him was because he couldn’t stay away. He had promised not to even think about anyone if I took his offer. He later told me the reason why he had made such an offer was maybe if we went through with it we’d find out that we’re practically back together and we can avoid all the faults. I slipped twice and succumbed to his requests, not because I had believed him, because I missed him but generally didn’t accept it.

This went on for seven months. He told me the crush he had on his ex and the love he had for me were never gonna be repeated again and he was never gonna feel that way toward anyone else. He told me his feelings for her were intense and they faded as quickly as they appeared but that his love for me was like an elevator and that I would always be the love of his life. Once he told me he had this fantasy of raping me and knocking me up so that then we would have to get married which was even crazier than it sounds! He was the one who had broken up with me, he knew I wanted a real relationship but he told me I wanted the circumstances to be in such a way that wouldn’t give me a choice.

He repeated his “offer” more than once during the week we got back together. When I laughed it off and thought he was joking he said that I wasn’t brave enough to take that step to save our relationship and as stupid as I was I wasn’t stupid enough to do so. He also told me he had this fantasy of killing me and then being hung for it, anything that would bind us together for good. I rejected his sex offers so many times that he eventually withdrew and told me he wanted to move on and told me the fact that I contacted him was selfish!

Then six months after last time he asked me to come over to his place he got married to his ex. He was also very good and loving to me most of the times but there were times during the relationship and many times after the relationship like I just described that he was just not normal. I don’t know if it’s because I brought out a bad side in him and that he didn’t love me enough or if it is really who he is. Do you think he’ll treat his wife the same sooner or later? Even if he has loved her all along?

Edited April 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, JoTheConfused said:

He said he was depressed and had suicidal thoughts

Then six months after last time he asked me to come over to his place he got married to his ex. 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He seems unstable and high maintenance.  Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He's a mess, all over the place so it's hard to say who's a rebound. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

I don't think it was an rebound. Rebound don't last for years. But on the other hand I believe he used you for sex and for escaping loneliness or so. Either ways he sounds like a maniac,  I mean what sort of guy wants to kill his girlfriend and wanna get hung for it? One of the craziest s*** I've heard in a long while! Anyway I would also say you dodged a bullet. I mean look that this guy! He dated his ex then it didn't work, then you both got along it failed, he baits you for sex again and later he's back to ex and married this time!. Gosh!. 

I know their marriage have hurt you! I am dealing with something same. And these thoughts like will their marriage last! Or will he treat her the same are self destructing. The way you describe him for sure he will make her life hell! But then again it won't give you any real satisfaction or peace.  Real deal for you is to accept this as blessing in disguise! Let go off him,  stay no contact and move on and find someone else. You know it deep down things won't work with this guy in long run with you. But life isn't over for you.  And this is just a part of life. Take care of yourself ok slowly things get better. 

[CommanderCody799]

Go No Contact. It's the only way.

Edited April 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[glows]

I'm not sure it matters who is the rebound. You will keep hurting yourself going over this. Best to leave him alone and respect the fact that he's married.

Start distancing yourself from whatever this was, his memory or don't let him occupy so much space in your head and heart. You do that by introducing new people and new experiences. Let go of this man.

 

Edited April 23, 2021 by glows

[JoTheConfused]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He seems unstable and high maintenance.  Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He's a mess, all over the place so it's hard to say who's a rebound. 

I will, thank you.

[JoTheConfused]

6 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

I don't think it was an rebound. Rebound don't last for years. But on the other hand I believe he used you for sex and for escaping loneliness or so. Either ways he sounds like a maniac,  I mean what sort of guy wants to kill his girlfriend and wanna get hung for it? One of the craziest s*** I've heard in a long while! Anyway I would also say you dodged a bullet. I mean look that this guy! He dated his ex then it didn't work, then you both got along it failed, he baits you for sex again and later he's back to ex and married this time!. Gosh!. 

I know their marriage have hurt you! I am dealing with something same. And these thoughts like will their marriage last! Or will he treat her the same are self destructing. The way you describe him for sure he will make her life hell! But then again it won't give you any real satisfaction or peace.  Real deal for you is to accept this as blessing in disguise! Let go off him,  stay no contact and move on and find someone else. You know it deep down things won't work with this guy in long run with you. But life isn't over for you.  And this is just a part of life. Take care of yourself ok slowly things get better. 

Thank you. I do agree that he did use me for sex after the breakup or at least he wanted to. But he waited for a year to have sex with me during the relationship and I know how much sex matters to him. We also made a lot of plans and it was mostly him who insisted on getting married. If that was only to lure me in, why would he keep repeating it when I told him that I wanted to but that it was too soon. I mean who would introduce someone he is using to their family as someone they intend to marry? That's what confuses me. This inconsistency doesn't let me make a firm conclusion. I can't tell if he didn't try hard enough because his heart was elsewhere or because this is who he is. Or maybe he just Idealizes his partners at first and then takes them for granted after a while. 

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I hope we all recover soon.

[JoTheConfused]

3 hours ago, CommanderCody799 said:

Go No Contact. It's the only way.

I am in no contact for over 9 months.

[JoTheConfused]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I'm not sure it matters who is the rebound. You will keep hurting yourself going over this. Best to leave him alone and respect the fact that he's married.

Start distancing yourself from whatever this was, his memory or don't let him occupy so much space in your head and heart. You do that by introducing new people and new experiences. Let go of this man.

 

I have left him alone. Ever since I knew he was married I didn't contact him. Not even once I will never do that with a married man.

Once even a mutual friend I hadn't been in contact with for over 2 years but who contacted my ex more frequently, contacted me and asked me if I was married or in a relationship. I didn't even answer that in case my ex had put him up to it. He told me every time he talked to my ex my name would come up. But it hasn't in a long time so he wondered if we had broken up. He didn't want to ask my ex directly so as not to upset him so he decided to ask me indirectly!!

The truth is I don't want him back in my life. I just want to know if I can look back at the good memories and smile knowing that he loved me when we were together and that I was not a rebound. 

 

 

 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, JoTheConfused said:

I have left him alone. Ever since I knew he was married I didn't contact him. Not even once I will never do that with a married man.

Once even a mutual friend I hadn't been in contact with for over 2 years but who contacted my ex more frequently, contacted me and asked me if I was married or in a relationship. I didn't even answer that in case my ex had put him up to it. He told me every time he talked to my ex my name would come up. But it hasn't in a long time so he wondered if we had broken up. He didn't want to ask my ex directly so as not to upset him so he decided to ask me indirectly!!

The truth is I don't want him back in my life. I just want to know if I can look back at the good memories and smile knowing that he loved me when we were together and that I was not a rebound. 

I think that that sense of peace will come more from accepting that had meaning, regardless of the labels you want to put on it or not put on it. Why hang on to such a term like rebound? You both knew each other at one point and crossed paths. Now that is over and you can release yourself from the past too.

 

[JoTheConfused]

One other thing about the label "rebound" is if I know the signs I won't repeat the same mistake again but I thought I was careful. I mean yes I have learned my lesson about not putting up with certain behavior. But I was careful about not being a rebound. I thought I waited long enough to date him considering that they weren't together for long. The relationship was not merely physical for about a year and he put up with that even though sex really mattered to him. He didn't just passed time with me he made plans for the future and insisted on getting married. This confuses me. What other signs do I need to look for?

[glows]

I'd encourage you to reread what you wrote about this man. There are a lot of red flags from the way he seemed to pull on your heartstrings (pity party about the ex and how he wasn't good enough for her or her family), the way he mistreated you or said unkind things to create insecurity (emotional abuse), his suicidal thoughts and depression (declining mental health) and violent fantasies. 

Being a rebound is the least of it if you were worried about that. There were a lot more issues, glaring issues, that should point you in the other direction.  

[JoTheConfused]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd encourage you to reread what you wrote about this man. There are a lot of red flags from the way he seemed to pull on your heartstrings (pity party about the ex and how he wasn't good enough for her or her family), the way he mistreated you or said unkind things to create insecurity (emotional abuse), his suicidal thoughts and depression (declining mental health) and violent fantasies. 

Being a rebound is the least of it if you were worried about that. There were a lot more issues, glaring issues, that should point you in the other direction.  

Yes I do agree and also mentioned it myself that there were other red flags I have learnt to pay attention to. Of course he didn't talk about his ex much. The part he told me about his ex and her family was for back when we were just friends and I myself had asked him about the breakup.

Yes, he did say things that weren't exactly nice at times, he gave me that kind of compliments like all the girls I have slept with were prettier and hotter than you but I love you for who you are. I could never distinguish between being sensitive and insecure myself and him being an a**h***. For example I would get anxious and upset when he was even 5 minutes late to pick me up and I had to wait out on the street for him with a heavy backpack on my back. I realize that in today's world with little traffic and everything people might run late that's why I asked him to just give me a call even if he was running late for 5 minutes and told him I would wait for him even for an hour if he let me know and thanked him when he did. but I would get really upset if he forgot to let me know which I guess it's one of those instances where I was sensitive.