Lost friend

[A person]

My ex wife is sleeping with my best man, who is still my best friend. We divorced after 28 years of marriage. There was a lot of good, but also some problems. The main one was her lack of interest in sex and how she responded over many years of me trying to get her work on it in therapy with me. Eventually it was too much, kids out the house and we split. I never stopped loving her and it has been hard. My best man knows all of this and has been a confidant of mine all along. A week before they told me about their relationship I had asked for help with my loneliness. I had also just told him that a girlfriend I had for a while post divorce had just started sleeping with someone and he knew I was feeling a bit down. I don't know if I can ever speak to him again. Am I being unreasonable? 

PS, my ex has been more understanding in conversation with me about this and my friend cannot see anything wrong at all. My ex did say that she never desired me, which is something she denied in the marriage. That was pretty unnecessary to say I think.

Edited April 22, 2021 by A person
Additional info

[basil67]

Ah, that sucks.   And it's very poor form from him.  

That said, I wouldn't rush in to burn bridges.   I'd tell him that now she's part of his life, you will need time and space while you continue to recover.   This gives you the option to continue without him forever.... or to come back if/when you start feeling better about it all.   Give yourself options.

[glows]

The problem is that you "never stopped loving her". That is your cue to start distancing yourself from her and your friend. It would be unwise to keep discussing their love life, in my opinion, and unhealthy. 

Remain friendly only for the kids and start establishing better boundaries.

Edited April 23, 2021 by glows

[A person]

Thanks glows -what you say makes sense.

[Harry Korsnes]

That must hurt!  

Pls. Dont discus your feelings with them, keep to your self for a while and have minimum contact with them. Your only hurting your self and they dont see that.

Best of luck. 

[A person]

Thanks Harry.

[d0nnivain]

What a double whammy.  

Go back to therapy.  Take some steps to build a new life / friend circle.  

[vla1120]

I'm sorry that happened to you. No. You are not being unreasonable. I don't know why she felt the need to tell you she supposedly never desired you (which is clearly untrue.) I feel that was a bit cruel. Your prior best friend is clearly just trying to justify his actions by saying it is no big deal. Best friends don't get involved with the spouses (ex or not) of their friends. She was off limits to him and he should have known it. Distance yourself from both of them. Hopefully you have other friends and/or family members you can turn to for support. 

[emprosnet7]

I hope they did not have an affair behind your back all along.

[notbroken]

He's not a friend.  Drop him.  Go no contact with both him and her absolutely as much as possible.  Do not feel any guilt whatsoever for dropping them both.  This is on them.  Period. 

[amerikajin]

I was a best man at a wedding once. We've drifted apart over the years and just haven't had much contact, especially the last 5-10 years. Still, I consider him a lifelong friend and could never imagine betraying him in that way. They divorced about 5 years ago and it still wouldn't cross my mind. Loyalty is for life, IMO, unless you get betrayed first.

[notbroken]

I'm sorry, but drop your friend.  You can't ever trust him ever again.  With friends like that - who needs enemies? Yes, that's a cliche but true in this case.  See a therapist for a bit.  Certainly couldn't hurt.  Get involved in some hobbies - old and/or new.   Get in a gym if you can.  Bicycle, etc. - anything physical.   

One day you will wake up and things will be different.  You'll realize what is different is you are happy.   You'll wonder why you ever wanted to get back with a wife that didn't love you or want to have sex with you.    You are better off without both of them.  Seriously.  Hard to see that now but it is true.  

[Harry Korsnes]

On 4/23/2021 at 12:36 AM, basil67 said:

Ah, that sucks.   And it's very poor form from him.  

That said, I wouldn't rush in to burn bridges.   I'd tell him that now she's part of his life, you will need time and space while you continue to recover.   This gives you the option to continue without him forever.... or to come back if/when you start feeling better about it all.   Give yourself options.

Dont think that will happen🤔

[Caauug]

On 4/23/2021 at 6:17 AM, A person said:

My ex did say that she never desired me,....

Lies.... She said this so you will distance yourself from her. She knows hurting your ego will have the best results. He's not your friend anymore, and likely hasn't been a "Best Friend" for a long time, if ever.... Leave them be and move on. 

On 4/23/2021 at 6:17 AM, A person said:

I never stopped loving her and it has been hard.

This is not good. It's about time to see her for who she is, she ignored your needs for years in marriage only to to now give it to who you considered your best friend? She played you for years..... and she's giving it to someone else now!!!! How much did you give to her when she was holding out on you??? What are the chances the "Best Man" being "Her Best Man" in your marriage? Therapy will never work if there are 3 in the relationship....

Your ex is not your friend, she is out for only herself. She will beat your ego and likely destroy any confidence you have to stay out of her relationship so she can give to her man, that you thought was your best friend, what she should have given you when you were married to her. Let that sink in.....