Still have my married name hyphenated with my maiden name. I'm divorced. What happens if I remarry?

[lovebooks]

I think it's important to have your name reflect your husband's existence.  I've been told this is just a custom.  I think it shows respect.  Celebrities keep their last names regardless of how many time s they marry.  I'm not a celebrity.

[basil67]

What anyone does with their name when they marry is nobody else's business.  If you feel it's important to use your husband's name, then do so.  It's entirely up to you.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, lovebooks said:

I think it's important to have your name reflect your husband's existence.  

Respect to whom? Your children? A deceased spouse? 

If you're divorced it's hard to imagine keeping that name if you remarry, unless the hassle of the paperwork is too much.

It's up to you, but why not cross that bridge when you get there?

[d0nnivain]

When you divorce as part of that process you are given the option of changing your name back without having to go through a separate name change process which is a complex legal thing where you have to notify all sorts of people & publish something in a newspaper  

You chose to keep your hyphenated married name. 

If you remarry do you really think your new husband is going to want to deal with your EX's last name?  I doubt it.  As part of getting married you can also change your name.  That is how you got the hyphenated name in the 1st place.  So you can simply change to your new husband's name. 

FWIW I disagree with you about the importance of having my name reflect my husband's existence. He existed before he ever met me.   I built a business & a brand without him.  Abandoning that & making myself disappear in some archaic deference to his Y chromosome is silly. My name is MY name.  I don't need to elevate another person above me.  For convenience I understand having the same last name as your kids but beyond that it's a silly custom.  

[glows]

I don't see why this is an issue. You can change it again with vital statistics and other government agencies/departments with another marriage certificate.

Do what feels best for yourself and you are entitled to feeling whatever you want about it. There is no right or wrong here. The man, however, that is a different story. Just make sure the man is worth it.

[lana-banana]

Do whatever you want. Most of my female friends didn't change their names when they got married. If you publish a lot of material (academia, for instance) or are well-known with your current name and have a relatively common first name, then changing your name can be a massively disruptive event. I got married and changed my name but I'm never changing my name again no matter what happens---that was WAY too much of a pain.

 

[BaileyB]

On 4/22/2021 at 10:11 PM, basil67 said:

What anyone does with their name when they marry is nobody else's business.  If you feel it's important to use your husband's name, then do so.  It's entirely up to you.  

I would say, as my age and stage of life my maiden name is MY identity. IF my partner and I marry, I will not be changing my name. 

As such, out of respect to your new husband I would legally change my name... but, I would use only my maiden name. 

If I was younger, and I was planning to have children, I would consider changing my name. Otherwise, I don’t find it disrespectful not to change my name... but, as said, it’s a personal decision. This is just my personal opinion. 

[Blind-Sided]

I personally don't care if a woman would keep her original name, or take my name if we were married.  I can understand the need/want to keep her original name if she has been established.  (like an actor or lawyer)  BUT... the hyphenated thing rubs me the wrong way.  For some reason, i just get the feeling of an unneeded power struggle.  Not to mention... it just makes your name way too long.   Just make a choice on one, and live with it. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I personally don't care if a woman would keep her original name, or take my name if we were married. 

But the issue here is how would you feel if you married & she kept her EX-husband's last name?  

[FMW]

When/If you remarry, you can change your name at that time, including a new hyphenated version if that's your choice.  No need to worry about it now.  As was noted, you had the option of changing your name when you divorced and chose not to, so I assume you're fine with your name as it is as long as you are single.  

I had my maiden name restored in my divorce.  I don't plan to ever remarry, but in the unlikely event I ever do, I'm keeping my name as is.  I think having a marriage that failed usually puts things like this in perspective for most people.    

[Blind-Sided]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

But the issue here is how would you feel if you married & she kept her EX-husband's last name?  

I didn't read that specifically in the original post?  Saying.... "Reflect your husbands existence" has the understanding that hypothetical woman is married to him.   If she is D... then he is no longer the "Husband."  This is the core of the post since it doesn't talk about the OP specifically in it.  I guess it's part of the title, but that's why I answered the "hyphenated" part separate.  

Personally... I think if someone who took their spouse's name when married, should revert back to their original name when D. My exW still has my last name.  While it doesn't bother me specifically... in my mind I feel like... If you don't want to be part of this family... then you should leave completely. (That includes the name) And... since the hyphenated name is because of the marriage... the exH's name should be dropped once Divorced.  AND... since the post talks about respect... I'm feeling like there is very few D's that have any real respect between the people.  SO... keeping a hyphenated is kind of opposite to respect. 

NOW... If I was dating a person, who had OPENLY held her exH's name (not just that it was never changed back)... then I would probably be offended by it.  And then... we are talking about the "Respect" part of this again.  Why would she "Respect" her exH over her (potentially) new husband?  I guess if I was in that situation........ wait... I wouldn't be in that situation because if the woman was touting respect, but then didn't respect me... she would have been gone.  LOL. 

Sorry if that felt broken up.... I wound up on multiple calls while typing.

[d0nnivain]

Most woman I know who kept an EX-H's last name did so because she wanted to keep her last name the same last name as her children.  For some it may ease the transition for the kids.   I don't know.  I don't have kids & I have never been divorced.  But for the sake of the kids, I can understand. 

Also if the maiden family name is long, hard to spell & even harder to pronounce (Yevtushenkov for example)  but the married name is short & easier (say Smythe) I can understand keeping it.   Clearly hyphenating that combo makes everything worse. 

I'm still not clear on the respect for the EX thing. That shouldn't play into it at all.  

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Most woman I know who kept an EX-H's last name did so because she wanted to keep her last name the same last name as her children.

I agree. I think it’s just easier, for example - when travelling. Less questions, less explaining to do. When we were younger, I think it was easier for kids when they called their friend’s parents “Mrs. xxx.” Kids don’t seem to do that as much anymore. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, FMW said:

I think having a marriage that failed usually puts things like this in perspective for most people.    

I agree. And age factors in too... it’s exciting to change your name when you are 20+ and you’ve just pledged to love a man forever and ever... 💕 But, after you’ve experienced the end of a marriage or you have lived with your maiden name for many years... it doesn’t seem to matter that much anymore. Practically speaking, I would say it would be more of a hassle now more than anything.

Re: the hyphenated names. I have friends who both changed their names when they married - they both hyphenated their names (her maiden name-his last name) and all the kids have the same hyphenated name. But, what are the kids going to do when they marry??

Edited April 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[Blind-Sided]

On 4/26/2021 at 3:13 PM, d0nnivain said:

I'm still not clear on the respect for the EX thing. That shouldn't play into it at all.  

Since it's ambiguous... maybe she is talking about a widow situation.  (A beloved H who passed away?)  

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

maybe she is talking about a widow situation.

If she's not ready to let go of a late husband's name, she probably shouldn't be worrying about remarrying again.  

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Since it's ambiguous... maybe she is talking about a widow situation.  (A beloved H who passed away?)  

Look at the thread title, not just the post.  She's divorced.

Took me a second, too.

[introverted1]

I never changed my name when I got married. Socially, I was known as Mrs. Husband's Name, but legally and professionally I was Ms. My Name.

 

[Acacia98]

On 4/23/2021 at 5:06 AM, lovebooks said:

I think it's important to have your name reflect your husband's existence.  I've been told this is just a custom.  I think it shows respect.  Celebrities keep their last names regardless of how many time s they marry.  I'm not a celebrity.

It's your life. You get to do what you want.

It's not a custom in every culture. It doesnt mean respect in every culture. 

If you remarry, you could drop the hyphenated last name and replace it with your new husband's last name. That seems to be in keeping with your preferences.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

I never changed my name when I got married. Socially, I was known as Mrs. Husband's Name, but legally and professionally I was Ms. My Name.

 

That's my deal too.  I get a kick out of my alias.  

Ironically because I am fairly well known in my area, many people think DH's last name is my last name so they call him Mr. D0nnivain.  He laughs it off; doesn't correct anybody after all this time & life goes on.  

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

Ironically because I am fairly well known in my area, many people think DH's last name is my last name so they call him Mr. D0nnivain.  He laughs it off; doesn't correct anybody after all this time & life goes on.  

Yep - we had that situation, too, as I was better known in our community, and my DH laughed, as well. 

I probably wouldn't have married him if he was the type of guy to insist on me taking his name.  Not because of that issue, but because (in general) men who are insistent on such things are generally not the guys I attract in the first place since I am fairly independent and not especially attached to gender roles.