I feel like I need to see her again for my own healing?

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, LeojDon said:

I agree, but I don’t want her to respond in a months time saying okay I listened to them can we talk about them. I’d rather we do it not than a time where she’s probably waiting for herself to come to terms with it mentally so it doesn’t hurt her when/if we speak about it. There were things I said in them (they’re lengthy) which I would really like to hear an explanation from, which is why I would like to her from her side. 

I don't know what you hope to accomplish by trying to get her to give you more explanations and talk to you more and more about this breakup.  She doesn't owe you any more explanations.  Pushing for more explanations is not going to change anything or make this any easier.  You are in denial and grasping at straws.  You'll only find peace when you accept that it is over, leave this woman alone already, and move on with your life.

[Alfano]

Dumpees rarely get any sort of closure although they almost always want it.

At least you got something.

Anything more probably will be nothing more than a fabrication.

Get to a place where you don't care, sooner rather than later. Seeing her again will only slow the process down.

 

[Marc878]

You control only you. Drop the hopium pipe or keep yourself tied up.

 

[LeojDon]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

She's not interested in investing anymore... that's why. This sounds very painful. I don't think you should wait for her responses. When you're ready, close the door on this and walk away. Take time to heal on your own terms. 

She's just not interested in what you have to say or what you bring to the table. Instead of adding to her life, you're actually taking away from it (time, negative emotions etc). 

Dare I say it's the same for you at this stage?

It seems like it’s her way of coping with it all, to keep me out of her mind while she also isn’t hurting as much. It’s painful as I really dig deep inside to find words to respond with (since she sent over 30mins in voice notes) and now it’s like she had all the time in the world when she wanted to respond, but when I do she has no time at all, but like I said I feel like it’s her way of coping. You’d think it would be the opposite way round and me ignoring her!

[glows]

7 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

It seems like it’s her way of coping with it all, to keep me out of her mind while she also isn’t hurting as much. It’s painful as I really dig deep inside to find words to respond with (since she sent over 30mins in voice notes) and now it’s like she had all the time in the world when she wanted to respond, but when I do she has no time at all, but like I said I feel like it’s her way of coping. You’d think it would be the opposite way round and me ignoring her!

In the big picture, is this not yet another incompatibility between the both of you? 

She takes eons to respond and cope with herself and you have a shorter response time (think or speak faster). 

I think you have to respect this whether it's pleasant or unpleasant. It's something inherent to her and she's shown you that she doesn't or can't invest in the responses or communication like you can. The writing is on the wall.. 

I understand you're hurt but let it go eventually when you're ready. This is such an unfulfilling, unhappy place to be in. I think many of those answers.. you likely already have within you but you're looking for her to explain it. If you kept still and forced yourself to look at the answers or search for them you'd already have them and that closure you seek.

Edited April 27, 2021 by glows

[LeojDon]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

In the big picture, is this not yet another incompatibility between the both of you? 

She takes eons to respond and cope with herself and you have a shorter response time (think or speak faster). 

I think you have to respect this whether it's pleasant or unpleasant. It's something inherent to her and she's shown you that she doesn't or can't invest in the responses or communication like you can. The writing is on the wall.. 

I understand you're hurt but let it go eventually when you're ready. This is such an unfulfilling, unhappy place to be in. I think many of those answers.. you likely already have within you but you're looking for her to explain it. If you kept still and forced yourself to look at the answers or search for them you'd already have them and that closure you seek.

Usually we’re always very responsive with each other, it’s just coming to terms with that fact that I’m no longer her priority. I even mentioned it a couple weeks ago & she said oh come on you know that’s not true. 
 

I honestly didn’t think I could feel this way. Ironically when we met I also didn’t think I could feel that way about someone, and now it’s just turned upside down and I feel totally empty inside, like my love is just spilling out but it no longer has anywhere to go. 
 

Also if I begin that process of accepting and letting go, I don’t want her to respond with messages regarding my voice notes in a months time just when I’ve accepted within myself, this is why I’d prefer she just acknowledged them now in however way so I can see everything has been said that needs to be said.

Edited April 27, 2021 by LeojDon

[glows]

2 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Usually we’re always very responsive with each other, it’s just coming to terms with that fact that I’m no longer her priority. I even mentioned it a couple weeks ago & she said oh come on you know that’s not true. 
 

I honestly didn’t think I could feel this way. Ironically when we met I also didn’t think I could feel that way about someone, and now it’s just turned upside down and I feel totally empty inside, like my love is just spilling out but it no longer has anywhere to go. 
 

Also if I begin that process, I don’t want her to respond with messages regarding my voice notes just when I’ve accepted within myself, this is why I’d prefer she just acknowledged them now in however way so I can see everything has been said that needs to be said.

Ok yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. Break ups are messy in the sense that one of you eventually has to be the bigger person and just not respond. If she does talk about things in a later message, let it go. You can exercise some discretion then and take your time thinking things through. Hit the reset button in your mind and ask yourself whether it even warrants any response?

Hopefully when you get to that point where you feel more ready/stable you won't feel the need anymore to keep looking to her for responses or even in friendship.

Feeling like your love has nowhere to go is not unusual or unnatural.. all very normal and I'm sorry about that. Eventually that too will pass and you'll begin to heal. I don't think you'll start that stage of healing until you begin to stop depending on her for communication and answers.

[LeojDon]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Ok yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. Break ups are messy in the sense that one of you eventually has to be the bigger person and just not respond. If she does talk about things in a later message, let it go. You can exercise some discretion then and take your time thinking things through. Hit the reset button in your mind and ask yourself whether it even warrants any response?

Hopefully when you get to that point where you feel more ready/stable you won't feel the need anymore to keep looking to her for responses or even in friendship.

Feeling like your love has nowhere to go is not unusual or unnatural.. all very normal and I'm sorry about that. Eventually that too will pass and you'll begin to heal. I don't think you'll start that stage of healing until you begin to stop depending on her for communication and answers.

Yeah you’re definitely right in saying I won’t start healing until I stop waiting on communication and I feel that for sure. Since I know I’m waiting on her to respond (since she said she eventually will when she feels right mentally) I’ll still be attached to it and won’t be able to step forward which is why I wanted her to respond shorty after but it’s been two weeks now, and over a week since we last spoke. 
 

It’s really devastating as we initially started as really good friends who connected in an incredible way, then both began to fall for each other. The fact that I’ll lose that person who truly cared for me & was not only my partner but an amazing person to me hurts the most. I don’t regret any of it but makes me so sad that once you commit to someone romantically, there’s kind of no point of return and if it goes bad, you lose that person from your life for good. 
 

She even said last week she really wants me in her life but she understands how I want to go forward. As much as my heart would want that, it also would just never ever heal and it breaks me to think that. It’s really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

now it’s like she had all the time in the world when she wanted to respond, but when I do she has no time at all, but like I said I feel like it’s her way of coping. You’d think it would be the opposite way round and me ignoring her!

Not if she feels she's said all there is to say, and doesn't want to keep going around in circles with you. 

And yes, it hurts when you realize you're not a priority anymore. This is what breaking up is all about: coming to terms with these painful feelings. It's hard to believe it at first, but it's the reality of the end of a relationship. We don't always get the answers we seek, or explanations that make sense. Closure comes less from the dumper, and more from accepting inside ourselves that it wasn't working for them and it's time to move forward, separately. 

But out of curiosity, what is you're wanting to hear from her? What do you feel she hasn't sufficiently explained? 

[LeojDon]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not if she feels she's said all there is to say, and doesn't want to keep going around in circles with you. 

And yes, it hurts when you realize you're not a priority anymore. This is what breaking up is all about: coming to terms with these painful feelings. It's hard to believe it at first, but it's the reality of the end of a relationship. We don't always get the answers we seek, or explanations that make sense. Closure comes less from the dumper, and more from accepting inside ourselves that it wasn't working for them and it's time to move forward, separately. 

But out of curiosity, what is you're wanting to hear from her? What do you feel she hasn't sufficiently explained? 

It was about some things she said about her feeling there wasn’t a spark anymore. It just totally confused and bugged me as we haven’t seen each other in 4 months, and she’s been barely present through messages so I just want to understand how she thought that’s the case and what she expected to happen when she’s been in such a work bubble. I just also wanted her to hear my responses to her explanations and about her as I feel it’s important she hears it, and I’d also like to tell her about this Milan opportunity too. I also know it’s probably not the case, but I never got to ask her if a factor in this was that she’s speaking with someone else but I thinking I already know this isn’t the case as we’ve always been super honest and I don’t think she’d even have the opportunity with the lockdown & curfew in Germany right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, LeojDon said:

It was about some things she said about her feeling there wasn’t a spark anymore. It just totally confused and bugged me as we haven’t seen each other in 4 months, and she’s been barely present through messages so I just want to understand how she thought that’s the case and what she expected to happen when she’s been in such a work bubble. 

What kind of explanation can she really give, though? Emotions cannot always be explained logically. She probably won't be able to explain it in a way that makes it all palatable for you, in other words. 

And if someone is in a work bubble and not keeping a relationship alive, it generally is your cue that they don't want to keep the relationship alive. It's hard to come to terms with that, but people make time for things that are important to them. Her actions are showing you that, sadly, you are not on her list of priorities. She is being honest that for whatever reason, she doesn't have the same feelings anymore. Her behaviour absolutely supports that assertion. 

Tell her about Milan if you wish, but I get the sense that it's not going to change much at this point. She seems very checked out already. I also don't think you will get a straight answer as to whether she's met someone else. I can tell from living in Italy with lockdown and 10pm curfew over much of the past year, people are indeed still dating. There are ways around it if someone is so inclined, even if it's not a good idea. None of us can say for sure if she's got another guy on her radar but I don't think she's going to admit it, even if it's true. 

The point is that when and how she responds to your voice notes is not going to change the end result, unforunately. It's already a done deal. 

[Highndry]

I have not read this whole thread, but enough to realize you sound extremely desperate and weak. Trying to convince a woman to like you is about the worst thing you can do. Women who are interested go to great lengths not to lose a man. You could be on your worst behavior and they almost wouldn't notice. When a woman isn't interested, especially one you've already dated, there is almost NOTHING you could do to garner her interest. This woman has told you she is not interested in you. Anything you do from this point forward is just an annoyance to her. The best thing you could do for yourself and her is to never, ever contact her again.

[Wiseman2]

"Closure" is a myth. Usually people want that in order to not let go and with hopes to renegotiate.

"Healing" is a solitary inner journey, not a meeting with an ex.

[beentheredonethat77]

Leo 

12 hours ago, LeojDon said:

It was about some things she said about her feeling there wasn’t a spark anymore. It just totally confused and bugged me as we haven’t seen each other in 4 months, and she’s been barely present through messages so I just want to understand how she thought that’s the case and what she expected to happen when she’s been in such a work bubble. I just also wanted her to hear my responses to her explanations and about her as I feel it’s important she hears it, and I’d also like to tell her about this Milan opportunity too. I also know it’s probably not the case, but I never got to ask her if a factor in this was that she’s speaking with someone else but I thinking I already know this isn’t the case as we’ve always been super honest and I don’t think she’d even have the opportunity with the lockdown & curfew in Germany right now.

 LeojDon, i have been in your girlfriends shoes.   I can tell you exactly how it felt from my (and possibly your girlfriends) perspective.   The man who i ended it (which i absolutely hated doing as he was a good person) would not give up and became *exhausting* .... i didn't want to hurt him but i no longer wanted to be in the relationship -- it wasn't something to be negotiated..

It is so difficult to dump someone as you want to give them answers but you also dont want to circle the drain and talk it over and over to death.  You just want to move on.   You pray they'll just accept it and let you go..   

I know youre hurting so much and im so sorry:(.. .The following is just giving you the other side in all its raw truth.

The biggest concerns as a dumper is that the dumpee will try to debate with you/try to convince you and tell you all the reasons it WOULD have worked (eg: how "can you say there is no spark??" when we havn't talked /seen eachother) .  Thing is, it doesn't matter -- for the dumper its gone.. it just is, and nothing you can say can bring it back -- in fact, you can only stomp it out even more by pressing her for communication.  It takes two to be in a relationship and she has every right to decide (for no particular reason) that right now this isn't for her..   Being accused of 'giving up' too easily or worse, dealing with a dumpee who somehow thinks he/she can pressure/guilt you out of it by selling you on all the reason/s you didn't give it enough of a shot -- well thats the reason people ghost today (im dead-set against ghosting but i can understand their motivation).   

Your gf has given you so much info to go on; 30 minutes worth. --- that probably wasn't fun for her but she felt if she explained as much as possible then you could go on and leave her alone and both heal.  I think you need to take that as the final word -- Anything you say back to her now is not that important .. its the equivalent of those long letters dumpees send to try to get someone back - they seldomly do anything but frustrate/bore and madden the dumper.  Pushing them further away and leaving that bad taste in their mouth.   THey want out.. and they feel someone is holding on to their legs dragging behind them.   

THe VERY best thing you can do now is go dark.. truly dark.   This is the only single thing that can make her think about you in a positive way, respect your maturity and possibly even miss you.   At the very least, she'll think of you fondly as someone who respected her wishes and let her go gracefully.    My long-distance ex and i forged a friendship many years later after i felt it was safe to respond to him again... as enough time had gone by since his barrage of texts / letters / calls and accusations that i 'wasn't even giving him a fair shot' --- now we can speak occasionally and there is a calmness that we have both moved on and have some nice old memories to laugh at.    Be the guy she thinks of fondly in time not the one she has to block. 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Highndry said:

This woman has told you she is not interested in you. Anything you do from this point forward is just an annoyance to her. The best thing you could do for yourself and her is to never, ever contact her again.

Agreed.
Had you written a heartfelt letter instead of the voice notes she would have put it in a drawer unopened or even put it in the bin.
You are placing so much emphasis on these notes as otherwise you have to accept it is over.
BUT it IS over.
When someone tells you they lost the spark, that is not open for discussion. You don't get to dictate how they feel.
Whether she has another guy or not, is immaterial, it is still over... and now it is actually none of your business any more...
She is not interested in your Milan news, she has made it pretty plain she wants nothing to do with you.
Please listen to her, for your own good. 

 

[LeojDon]

17 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Leo 

 LeojDon, i have been in your girlfriends shoes.   I can tell you exactly how it felt from my (and possibly your girlfriends) perspective.   The man who i ended it (which i absolutely hated doing as he was a good person) would not give up and became *exhausting* .... i didn't want to hurt him but i no longer wanted to be in the relationship -- it wasn't something to be negotiated..

It is so difficult to dump someone as you want to give them answers but you also dont want to circle the drain and talk it over and over to death.  You just want to move on.   You pray they'll just accept it and let you go..   

I know youre hurting so much and im so sorry:(.. .The following is just giving you the other side in all its raw truth.

The biggest concerns as a dumper is that the dumpee will try to debate with you/try to convince you and tell you all the reasons it WOULD have worked (eg: how "can you say there is no spark??" when we havn't talked /seen eachother) .  Thing is, it doesn't matter -- for the dumper its gone.. it just is, and nothing you can say can bring it back -- in fact, you can only stomp it out even more by pressing her for communication.  It takes two to be in a relationship and she has every right to decide (for no particular reason) that right now this isn't for her..   Being accused of 'giving up' too easily or worse, dealing with a dumpee who somehow thinks he/she can pressure/guilt you out of it by selling you on all the reason/s you didn't give it enough of a shot -- well thats the reason people ghost today (im dead-set against ghosting but i can understand their motivation).   

Your gf has given you so much info to go on; 30 minutes worth. --- that probably wasn't fun for her but she felt if she explained as much as possible then you could go on and leave her alone and both heal.  I think you need to take that as the final word -- Anything you say back to her now is not that important .. its the equivalent of those long letters dumpees send to try to get someone back - they seldomly do anything but frustrate/bore and madden the dumper.  Pushing them further away and leaving that bad taste in their mouth.   THey want out.. and they feel someone is holding on to their legs dragging behind them.   

THe VERY best thing you can do now is go dark.. truly dark.   This is the only single thing that can make her think about you in a positive way, respect your maturity and possibly even miss you.   At the very least, she'll think of you fondly as someone who respected her wishes and let her go gracefully.    My long-distance ex and i forged a friendship many years later after i felt it was safe to respond to him again... as enough time had gone by since his barrage of texts / letters / calls and accusations that i 'wasn't even giving him a fair shot' --- now we can speak occasionally and there is a calmness that we have both moved on and have some nice old memories to laugh at.    Be the guy she thinks of fondly in time not the one she has to block. 

 

 

Thank you for such a nice response particularly from another perspective I really appreciate that.

What I can say is that it's been incredibly hard to get my head around and accept, as it was dumped on me like a tonne of bricks I did not see it coming at all. We loved really deeply and intensely, we are each others first true love and had so many amazing plans for future and magical memories which could never be replicated But mainly our spark and connection I thought was never ever in doubt, and how it could go after her being in such a bubble with her work and the pandemic really shocked me.

 It's why now I've been going in circles thinking how this could happen and why i'm so hurt as I never would've expected her to feel this way considering how invested she was in this and at times, was my rock in removing any doubt about her commitment to it.

With ignoring my last message, it hurt me as I asked a question about her day during mid-conversation and if roles were reversed I would never ever ignore her. But I know that this is probably her way of coping through it, as she has a lot's of responsibilities at work where she cannot be feeling desperate and has to be strong, but the feeling that she's actively letting go (I still can't believe I'm even typing those words) has broken my heart.

When she first told me, she did say she feels unbelievably guilty and didn't even recognise herself making this decision, and slowly I've come to realise that she didn't make the decision lightly, it seems she was battling against it in her mind for a month or so prior. I just cannot believe this is the girl who a month ago was talking daily, who even said she saw us marrying eachother and now it's like two ships passing in the night. It hurts so much at the prospect of losing an amazing person who gets me inside out and a best friend which I thought it would be forever - and this is what's breaking my heart the most. 

I even have a groupchat with her parents who are Italian and she hasn't told them yet as she doesn't want them to be desperate for her and knows it'll sadden them, but I feel like I need to tell her to tell them as each time they occasionally message me it deeply saddens me that they also won't be part of my life when they became like an extended family. 

Right now it's like i've been thrown in the middle of the desert alone just totally helpless and lost. I really hope this doesn't scar me in future as its truly cut me deep in a way I never thought I could feel, she was my person on every level.

[LeojDon]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What kind of explanation can she really give, though? Emotions cannot always be explained logically. She probably won't be able to explain it in a way that makes it all palatable for you, in other words. 

And if someone is in a work bubble and not keeping a relationship alive, it generally is your cue that they don't want to keep the relationship alive. It's hard to come to terms with that, but people make time for things that are important to them. Her actions are showing you that, sadly, you are not on her list of priorities. She is being honest that for whatever reason, she doesn't have the same feelings anymore. Her behaviour absolutely supports that assertion. 

Tell her about Milan if you wish, but I get the sense that it's not going to change much at this point. She seems very checked out already. I also don't think you will get a straight answer as to whether she's met someone else. I can tell from living in Italy with lockdown and 10pm curfew over much of the past year, people are indeed still dating. There are ways around it if someone is so inclined, even if it's not a good idea. None of us can say for sure if she's got another guy on her radar but I don't think she's going to admit it, even if it's true. 

The point is that when and how she responds to your voice notes is not going to change the end result, unforunately. It's already a done deal. 

She did actually say that, when I told her you could've prevented it and she said she probably could've but she just didn't want to and didn't have the willingness but it was all very unconscious and not purposely doing it until she realised this time last month while she had a week off to go back home to Italy and clearly thought about things a lot.

It just seriously baffles me as it wasn't long ago, in October, when we were both sat in Rome a day before I was leaving and she said 'let's control what we can control, we will make this work' and I truly believed her. It's why its so difficult to accept when she was the one who was so motivated for us to be together, but this was just before she began her full time job in November and them her time/priorities/mental energy was diverted.

I saw a message from February which truly saddened me, where she was talking about how sad/miserable she's feeling over in Germany and said "if you were here everything would be so different" and it cut me like a knife. Just the feeling that she probably wanted/needed that emotional support in person (even though I was supporting her every single day through texts/calls) and she lost the willingness to give it back through long distance breaks my heart. 

[beentheredonethat77]

7 hours ago, LeojDon said:

Thank you for such a nice response particularly from another perspective I really appreciate that.

What I can say is that it's been incredibly hard to get my head around and accept, as it was dumped on me like a tonne of bricks I did not see it coming at all. We loved really deeply and intensely, we are each others first true love and had so many amazing plans for future and magical memories which could never be replicated But mainly our spark and connection I thought was never ever in doubt, and how it could go after her being in such a bubble with her work and the pandemic really shocked me.

 It's why now I've been going in circles thinking how this could happen and why i'm so hurt as I never would've expected her to feel this way considering how invested she was in this and at times, was my rock in removing any doubt about her commitment to it.

With ignoring my last message, it hurt me as I asked a question about her day during mid-conversation and if roles were reversed I would never ever ignore her. But I know that this is probably her way of coping through it, as she has a lot's of responsibilities at work where she cannot be feeling desperate and has to be strong, but the feeling that she's actively letting go (I still can't believe I'm even typing those words) has broken my heart.

When she first told me, she did say she feels unbelievably guilty and didn't even recognise herself making this decision, and slowly I've come to realise that she didn't make the decision lightly, it seems she was battling against it in her mind for a month or so prior. I just cannot believe this is the girl who a month ago was talking daily, who even said she saw us marrying eachother and now it's like two ships passing in the night. It hurts so much at the prospect of losing an amazing person who gets me inside out and a best friend which I thought it would be forever - and this is what's breaking my heart the most. 

I even have a groupchat with her parents who are Italian and she hasn't told them yet as she doesn't want them to be desperate for her and knows it'll sadden them, but I feel like I need to tell her to tell them as each time they occasionally message me it deeply saddens me that they also won't be part of my life when they became like an extended family. 

Right now it's like i've been thrown in the middle of the desert alone just totally helpless and lost. I really hope this doesn't scar me in future as its truly cut me deep in a way I never thought I could feel, she was my person on every level.

Im so sorry you're suffering with the excruciating pain of a broken heart; add to that the mere shock of it all, you're dealing with a trauma.. and you need to take care of yourself.   Hopefully you can gain some support of friends or your family -- try to steer clear of her camp as that only leads to more pain.   You know that even if you did reconcile down the line, you'll never be able to fully trust that she wont do this again, you'll forever be insecure -- you once blindly trusted you knew where she stood, and you were wrong -- it has changed forever so you can move on and eventually find that special someone who will never need to end it with you.    You will be happy again soon.. just go No Contact with her and focus on healing.

[Beachead]

Hey @LeojDon

Sorry this happened to you.  Question, was your entire relationship long distance?  Or did you start and did it end up that way?

- Beach

 

[LeojDon]

46 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Im so sorry you're suffering with the excruciating pain of a broken heart; add to that the mere shock of it all, you're dealing with a trauma.. and you need to take care of yourself.   Hopefully you can gain some support of friends or your family -- try to steer clear of her camp as that only leads to more pain.   You know that even if you did reconcile down the line, you'll never be able to fully trust that she wont do this again, you'll forever be insecure -- you once blindly trusted you knew where she stood, and you were wrong -- it has changed forever so you can move on and eventually find that special someone who will never need to end it with you.    You will be happy again soon.. just go No Contact with her and focus on healing.

That’s the hardest part. If she broke up due to just the distance alone then there would possibly in future be a chance again if our paths crossed, but the fact that her feelings changed just totally ends it all which is really difficult to accept. I just never saw this coming with her at all and I’m not sure what the future holds but Im worried I’ve peaked in a way with someone like her. The odds of us meeting in the circumstances we did were unbelievable and made it feel like it was destiny, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find something as pure as this again and if I’ll ever allow my heart to love as deeply as I did. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by LeojDon

[LeojDon]

7 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Hey @LeojDon

Sorry this happened to you.  Question, was your entire relationship long distance?  Or did you start and did it end up that way?

- Beach

 

Hello, no it wasn’t. We met while backpacking, then after that met in different places in Europe. She then came to live in my city to study for 5 months up until Jan 2020. She then had to do a further 5 months at another European Uni but covid struck which kept us apart. I then stayed with her family in Italy for a month last summer and visited her in her new city in December, so we were long distance in parts.

[Thunder27]

Hey Leo, 

Everything that's happened to you and how you said it made you feel sounds incredibly similiar to how I would describe my feelings and my own situation. Friends with this girl, we had a great connection, then we go long distance and her grandfather dies and she says she lost feelings for me. My relationship was only 5 months but we were very serious about it, and she was someone I envisioned a family with. 

It's best to just let communication die. She gave me every reason to think we might get back together so I stuck around for a month to help her still through school work and listen to her cry sometimes. It just severely delayed my healing. You really do have to get rid of all hope. I felt so incredibly burnt out after dealing with her hot/cold behaviour and obsessing I felt like lying down to die. 

She promised me a meeting to talk in a few months but she just met someone else instead. You really don't know how she is feeling about anything, I think it's best to assume that she doesn't care.

I completely understand how you feel about being so disappointed and angry with her--I felt that too. The only way forward is to forgive her; it's her loss, and she basically even said that herself. There's nothing really you can do, and persistence will just annoy her (trust me). Best to put yourself first as she has. 

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. But it does get better. Take care. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Thunder27

[Thunder27]

1 hour ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Im so sorry you're suffering with the excruciating pain of a broken heart; add to that the mere shock of it all, you're dealing with a trauma.. and you need to take care of yourself.   Hopefully you can gain some support of friends or your family -- try to steer clear of her camp as that only leads to more pain.   You know that even if you did reconcile down the line, you'll never be able to fully trust that she wont do this again, you'll forever be insecure -- you once blindly trusted you knew where she stood, and you were wrong -- it has changed forever so you can move on and eventually find that special someone who will never need to end it with you.    You will be happy again soon.. just go No Contact with her and focus on healing.

I appreciate your insight/replies as well. They're very helpful. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Thunder27

[Beachead]

LeojDon,

Okay.  Thank you for the info.

I did long distance with someone a long time ago.  Ultimately she broke it off with me, via Whatsapp Message.  I was in pain for a very long time afterwards, so I get it.

This is what you need to understand, which I didn't back then.  I apologize for how harsh it may sound.

All the experiences, conversations, and memories you two built together, over the last 2 years should have done the convincing for her to want to continue investing in this.  You didn't half-ass it. You gave your best. She took that and decided it wasn't what she wanted.  She knew this decision wouldl eventually lead to both of you meeting other people and she decided she was okay with that, as well.   And although I definitely understand breaking up via technology is a pathetic way to close off 2 years...she's gone and as far as you know, she isn't ever coming back.   She chose that.

Her act of the breaking up with you IS the closure.  It tells you more than her words ever could.  

Because of how fresh this is, it may take you time to understand it, as it took me.

- Beach

Edited April 28, 2021 by Beachead

[LeojDon]

42 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

Hey Leo, 

Everything that's happened to you and how you said it made you feel sounds incredibly similiar to how I would describe my feelings and my own situation. Friends with this girl, we had a great connection, then we go long distance and her grandfather dies and she says she lost feelings for me. My relationship was only 5 months but we were very serious about it, and she was someone I envisioned a family with. 

It's best to just let communication die. She gave me every reason to think we might get back together so I stuck around for a month to help her still through school work and listen to her cry sometimes. It just severely delayed my healing. You really do have to get rid of all hope. I felt so incredibly burnt out after dealing with her hot/cold behaviour and obsessing I felt like lying down to die. 

She promised me a meeting to talk in a few months but she just met someone else instead. You really don't know how she is feeling about anything, I think it's best to assume that she doesn't care.

I completely understand how you feel about being so disappointed and angry with her--I felt that too. The only way forward is to forgive her; it's her loss, and she basically even said that herself. There's nothing really you can do, and persistence will just annoy her (trust me). Best to put yourself first as she has. 

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. But it does get better. Take care. 

Hello and thanks so much for your response, also thanks to you all who have replied by the way, it’s incredible how stranger can provide such comfort.

Anyway yes it’s exactly that, it’s like while I wait on her to respond, she’s surely just getting on with her life and her hectic work schedule and probably not paying too much thought to me & us. Of course though, it’s always worse on the receiving end when it’s out of the blue, I’ve been trying to connect dots and end up back at the first one I’m just heart broken. 
 

It’s the worst feeling to think someone who is not only my partner but also my best friend and my person will become a distant stranger, that is something which will take me a long time to come to terms with and has truly knocked me sideways. All those future plans, her family who were amazing to me and of course her and how much she meant to me, will just become memories, it’s difficult to come to terms with. I hope your healing process has seen some light in the end