I feel like I need to see her again for my own healing?

[LeojDon]

31 minutes ago, Beachead said:

LeojDon,

Okay.  Thank you for the info.

I did long distance with someone a long time ago.  Ultimately she broke it off with me, via Whatsapp Message.  I was in pain for a very long time afterwards, so I get it.

This is what you need to understand, which I didn't back then.  I apologize for how harsh it may sound.

All the experiences, conversations, and memories you two built together, over the last 2 years should have done the convincing for her to want to continue investing in this.  You didn't half-ass it. You gave your best. She took that and decided it wasn't what she wanted.  She knew this decision wouldl eventually lead to both of you meeting other people and she decided she was okay with that, as well.   And although I definitely understand breaking up via technology is a pathetic way to close off 2 years...she's gone and as far as you know, she isn't ever coming back.   She chose that.

Her act of the breaking up with you IS the closure.  It tells you more than her words ever could.  

Because of how fresh this is, it may take you time to understand it, as it took me.

- Beach

To be honest, I think she was convinced up until she realised her feelings changed. She was always the one who was so convinced and motivated to make this work, I saw it even the last time I saw her in December and she was so emotional to see me leave.

This was the first time in our relationship where the other had properly started their career (we’re 24) It’s like as her time was totally consumed and she was stressed, the relationship wasn’t tended to by her and she forgot just how much it’s worth as she couldn’t balance her key relationships. It saddens me and I wish I could’ve found a job sooner in her new city, but we’ll never know that alternative and tried my best to find something during covid too which made things x10 more difficult. 

[Thunder27]

23 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Anyway yes it’s exactly that, it’s like while I wait on her to respond, she’s surely just getting on with her life and her hectic work schedule and probably not paying too much thought to me & us. Of course though, it’s always worse on the receiving end when it’s out of the blue, I’ve been trying to connect dots and end up back at the first one I’m just heart broken. 

Its very difficult to understand. I still try to connect the dots and it's been 5 months, but honestly it's done no good. I think we just need to accept that circumstance got in the way of our relationships; we were willing to go through anything with them but they just didn't feel the same way. And honestly, it's probably for the best it happened sooner rather than later. 

26 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

the worst feeling to think someone who is not only my partner but also my best friend and my person will become a distant stranger, that is something which will take me a long time to come to terms with and has truly knocked me sideways. All those future plans, her family who were amazing to me and of course her and how much she meant to me, will just become memories, it’s difficult to come to terms with

It's incredibly difficult. She felt like my only friend because of the connection her and I shared. It's something I never felt with anyone before. But at some point you will wake up one day and you will decide not to let her hold you back anymore. I found genuine happiness and optimism. But recently she disadded me on everything and I had to find out she with someone new (and it wasn't long after we stopped talking; how she's managed to date 3 people through covid is beyond me). This opened the wounds up for me again hence why I'm back here. 

If I can make a suggestion, don't let this happen to you. Might be worth considering removing her off everything and doing strict no contact. Leave her in the past as best as possible; settle on an explenation for the breakup; make new future plans, focus on your passions, and do something you wouldn't have had you been with her. Decide to fight the situation and not let it beat you down. 

Take care 

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, Thunder27 said:

Its very difficult to understand. I still try to connect the dots and it's been 5 months, but honestly it's done no good. I think we just need to accept that circumstance got in the way of our relationships; we were willing to go through anything with them but they just didn't feel the same way. And honestly, it's probably for the best it happened sooner rather than later. 

It's incredibly difficult. She felt like my only friend because of the connection her and I shared. It's something I never felt with anyone before. But at some point you will wake up one day and you will decide not to let her hold you back anymore. I found genuine happiness and optimism. But recently she disadded me on everything and I had to find out she with someone new (and it wasn't long after we stopped talking; how she's managed to date 3 people through covid is beyond me). This opened the wounds up for me again hence why I'm back here. 

If I can make a suggestion, don't let this happen to you. Might be worth considering removing her off everything and doing strict no contact. Leave her in the past as best as possible; settle on an explenation for the breakup; make new future plans, focus on your passions, and do something you wouldn't have had you been with her. Decide to fight the situation and not let it beat you down. 

Take care 

Thats the worst thought that runs through my mind, the fact that (maybe not now) but in the near future she’ll be getting with other guys as she has always been a huge flirt and meanwhile I’m here, and was planning and envisioning our future and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I think once she (eventually) responds to those voice notes, I can then progress. Right now it still feels like I have a huge cloud over me in anticipation, almost looking at my phone and *hoping* she messages as she is still my person and has gone without me wanting this to happen.

 

At first I really didn’t want to mute her on socials as I really wanted to see what she’s doing since we’re in two different countries and I haven’t even seen her for 4 months so naturally I miss her, but I’m sure as you felt, it would hurt me beyond words even just to see random guys at a party or just hanging out. You instantly think the worst even though and even though it’s no longer my concern, I’m still in love with her and it would break me too much, so I’ll have to come to terms with muting her completely. I guess with covid atm in Germany causing lockdowns/curfews until at least July there isn’t much going on socially so that’s good for my peace I guess haha. 
 

Also you’re so right with the fact that circumstances were a factor, and I guess this was a test on the relationship. All I know is the distance covid physically caused didn’t deter my feelings for one second. I was ready to run through walls for us and I had every faith she was still doing the same which is why it came as such a surprise. I can say I tried and did everything I could in the last months, but I couldn’t do more.
 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by LeojDon

[Thunder27]

55 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Thats the worst thought that runs through my mind, the fact that (maybe not now) but in the near future she’ll be getting with other guys as she has always been a huge flirt and meanwhile I’m here, and was planning and envisioning our future and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I think once she (eventually) responds to those voice notes, I can then progress. Right now it still feels like I have a huge cloud over me in anticipation, almost looking at my phone and *hoping* she messages as she is still my person and has gone without me wanting this to happen

Yeah, Ive been in a group chat with some people going through the same thing and that was always our biggest fear; it's what really rips off any last hopes we have, and it's a big hit to our self esteem. 

I don't think that there is anything that will really be the starting point of your progress; that has to come from your mindset and want to progress. The power to do that is always within you, don't rely on her being the source for that. If I can make one reccomendation, read psyco-cybernetics by Maltz. I strongly urge you to. Keep in mind that you are literally addicted to this woman, and every bit of hope you cling to is feeding it and keeping you attached. This is the true motivation behind you wanting her attention, not so you can progress. 

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

first I really didn’t want to mute her on socials as I really wanted to see what she’s doing since we’re in two different countries and I haven’t even seen her for 4 months so naturally I miss her, but I’m sure as you felt, it would hurt me beyond words even just to see random guys at a party or just hanging out. You instantly think the worst even though and even though it’s no longer my concern, I’m still in love with her and it would break me too much, so I’ll have to come to terms with muting her completely. I guess with covid atm in Germany causing lockdowns/curfews until at least July there isn’t much going on socially so that’s good for my peace I guess haha

It's okay to miss her, for sure; but yes, if I could go back in time I would have removed her from everything. The pain of seeing that was heart wrenching; at the start, even just seeing her listen to her exes Spotify Playlist killed me and made me think the worst. Made me wonder if I was a rebound too.

Mute and never look at her social media. It's incredibly difficult, but worth saving yourself the break up pain again. I thought covid would have saved me some peace too but apperently not lol

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

Also you’re so right with the fact that circumstances were a factor, and I guess this was a test on the relationship. All I know is the distance covid physically caused didn’t deter my feelings for one second. I was ready to run through walls for us and I had every faith she was still doing the same which is why it came as such a surprise. I can say I tried and did everything I could in the last months, but I couldn’t do more

I get that. I set myself on fire to keep her warm those final months. She treated me like garbage; yelling at me, criticizing me, and then on the other hand crying to me while I was helping her through school and doing everything I could. I didn't say a word. She said I love you once the entire month, but never did I blame her for it, and never did I consider breaking up. 

I'm sure there's someone out there who would fight for us the way we fought for them. Just don't get jaded from this experience even though dating is incredibly pessimistic. Also don't read loveshack too much. Some people on here have been hurt beyond repair and it shows; and the bad stories don't help either. It made me depressed for a bit. 

 

[LeojDon]

12 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

Yeah, Ive been in a group chat with some people going through the same thing and that was always our biggest fear; it's what really rips off any last hopes we have, and it's a big hit to our self esteem. 

I don't think that there is anything that will really be the starting point of your progress; that has to come from your mindset and want to progress. The power to do that is always within you, don't rely on her being the source for that. If I can make one reccomendation, read psyco-cybernetics by Maltz. I strongly urge you to. Keep in mind that you are literally addicted to this woman, and every bit of hope you cling to is feeding it and keeping you attached. This is the true motivation behind you wanting her attention, not so you can progress. 

It's okay to miss her, for sure; but yes, if I could go back in time I would have removed her from everything. The pain of seeing that was heart wrenching; at the start, even just seeing her listen to her exes Spotify Playlist killed me and made me think the worst. Made me wonder if I was a rebound too.

Mute and never look at her social media. It's incredibly difficult, but worth saving yourself the break up pain again. I thought covid would have saved me some peace too but apperently not lol

I get that. I set myself on fire to keep her warm those final months. She treated me like garbage; yelling at me, criticizing me, and then on the other hand crying to me while I was helping her through school and doing everything I could. I didn't say a word. She said I love you once the entire month, but never did I blame her for it, and never did I consider breaking up. 

I'm sure there's someone out there who would fight for us the way we fought for them. Just don't get jaded from this experience even though dating is incredibly pessimistic. Also don't read loveshack too much. Some people on here have been hurt beyond repair and it shows; and the bad stories don't help either. It made me depressed for a bit. 

 

I’ll definitely check out that book. And when you said she said ‘I love you’ once the entire month it hit me a lot.

Last month I noticed slight differences, like I mentioned I had a dream of us marrying and she totally blanked it and moved to a different topic which was unusual. Then a day before she actually told me her feelings changed, I told her ‘I love you’ and she skipped it and said where she was going, and that’s when I was thinking what’s going on? She mentioned that when I sent it, she realised she just couldn’t say it back and it was like a knife through my heart hearing that. 
 

For future it makes me incredibly scared, as we met in the purest way possible through backpacking. It was the opposite way to how you’d date in the “real world” as there was no technology involved, we started off as good friends then stayed with each other in a beach bungalow on an island for 2 weeks and got to know each other inside out, it’s probably why our connection was and love was incredibly strong and felt. 

 I know nothing will ever come close to that, and I’m worried I’ll never open my heart up or trust as much as I did with her.

What I was thinking today which was maybe irrational but very painful is that in the nearish  future, my feelings for her will be zero. I’m not sure why but it saddens me as I’ve never felt this way about someone, and also on her side in the near future I’ll probably be nowhere near the front of her mind again. It’s quite a melancholic thought given how invested we were in each other and how intense we loved. You’d think I’d want the feelings to die down but it hurts to let go of them.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LeojDon said:

For future it makes me incredibly scared, as we met in the purest way possible through backpacking. It was the opposite way to how you’d date in the “real world” as there was no technology involved, we started off as good friends then stayed with each other in a beach bungalow on an island for 2 weeks and got to know each other inside out, it’s probably why our connection was and love was incredibly strong and felt. 

What about any of that makes it purest way to meet someone?

I don't mean to dismiss your experience with her. Not at all. But you are really over-romanticizing it. Sure, no technology was involved. But you cannot get to know someone inside and out in 2 weeks, Leo. It takes much longer than that. A short holiday together can be super-fun but it is not enough to presume you know all there is to know about  a person, nor that your love is unparalleled. Dating in the real world can actually be a lot more realistic, in terms of getting to know someone and how they operate in their everyday context. Meeting on holiday is fine, but relationships don't exist in a holiday-vacuum, free from all other stresses and pressures and responsibilities. You need to know someone in their day-to-day life to understand how well you actually match. 

Part of your problem here is idealizing everything and losing perpective. No doubt that was an awesome experience. However, there is no reason at all to believe you won't have better relationships in the future. Your previous threads about her indicate that things were not always as amazing as you're telling yourself now. Remember that. 

The bottom line is that we almost all have stories of amazing experiences with exes. And it hurts to think about those times when we break up. But, we  slowly tuck those away as fond memories as we move forward, and when we knock off the rose-coloured glasses, we tend to see the issues that also existed in the relationship. This overly-idealistic narrative you're constructing around this isn't productive, and it's very self-limiting. Did you have wonderful moments? Of course. Are you forever doomed to zero wonderful moments with anyone else? Nope. Stop feeding into those fears unnecessarily. 

 

 

[Thunder27]

I agree with the last poster. Don't catastrophize the situation. Trust me, I put my self through torture because I thought what was between us was unique and once in a lifetime. Over time I realized that that relationship was actually not that great, and she's someone I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with. All my friends who knew her, even mutual friends, told me that.

Once feelings die down these incompatabilities will become more apperent to you. The worst thing you can do is to close yourself off to future relationships. Even if (which is not the case, but I'm trying to make a point) there was a 1% chance you would find someone you loved again, isn't it worth taking that chance? Keeping yourself closed off makes it 0%. 

And also, this might sound harsh, but don't assume her feelings for you. I came to the  conclusion that maybe I just loved her way more than she ever loved me. It's very sad but might be reality. Keep your heart open for someone who would fight for you; she's not the one. It's better you found out she's not willing to go through hard times with you sooner rather than later. 

Take care

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What about any of that makes it purest way to meet someone?

I don't mean to dismiss your experience with her. Not at all. But you are really over-romanticizing it. Sure, no technology was involved. But you cannot get to know someone inside and out in 2 weeks, Leo. It takes much longer than that. A short holiday together can be super-fun but it is not enough to presume you know all there is to know about  a person, nor that your love is unparalleled. Dating in the real world can actually be a lot more realistic, in terms of getting to know someone and how they operate in their everyday context. Meeting on holiday is fine, but relationships don't exist in a holiday-vacuum, free from all other stresses and pressures and responsibilities. You need to know someone in their day-to-day life to understand how well you actually match. 

Part of your problem here is idealizing everything and losing perpective. No doubt that was an awesome experience. However, there is no reason at all to believe you won't have better relationships in the future. Your previous threads about her indicate that things were not always as amazing as you're telling yourself now. Remember that. 

The bottom line is that we almost all have stories of amazing experiences with exes. And it hurts to think about those times when we break up. But, we  slowly tuck those away as fond memories as we move forward, and when we knock off the rose-coloured glasses, we tend to see the issues that also existed in the relationship. This overly-idealistic narrative you're constructing around this isn't productive, and it's very self-limiting. Did you have wonderful moments? Of course. Are you forever doomed to zero wonderful moments with anyone else? Nope. Stop feeding into those fears unnecessarily. 

 

 

Of course and I guess its very subjective, but if you've never newly created a romantic bond with someone while sharing a unique experience, it's difficult to understand. We were together for a whole month, 24/7. What we learnt about each other in that time I bet in a normal circumstance would take a couple 6 months, we were practically living together and sharing an experience for that time so it was kind of backwards to how a normal dating process would go. I even have people who I met out there for only 2 weeks who I call very good friends now as the intense bond you create when together all the time and sharing an experience brings you closer.

Of course when we came back home, we knew we had to wait and understand if things changed but we persevered and what was initially a strong and intense infatuation most definitely turned into true love as she ended up living in my city for 5 months under much more "realistic" circumstances and it was great.

And I definitely agree, it doesn't allow you to know them inside-out from that experience alone and I knew that, I learnt a great deal in that time, but lot's more as the years progressed which is what I meant. And for sure, we weren't surrounded by life stresses/work etc which is what made it incredible, but it also confirmed it when she was in my city for that time and the circumstances we met was surely the foundation to it, but of course you can't keep falling back on the way you met as we knew at some point life obstacles would happen and it wouldn't just be this big holiday. Seems that as soon as this happened (her being the first one with the full time job and it's demands) began to change things, but if we were in the same city i'm also sure it would've been very different.

I guess what I'm getting at is that i'll probably never replicate the way in which we met which was, yes not the norm, but was pure because it was just us with the sole purpose of being together and getting to know each other. In a normal circumstance its your typical meeting at a bar, dating apps which wasn't there for us, no waiting for their DM does she like/doesn't she like me, or moving in together and realising you found things out which didn't see before - it was like we'd already been through that process. It was kind of a fast-tracked experience.

I guess I am idealising it as it was totally unique and the relationship wasn't without it's flaws, but it seems that things out of our control just totally kicked in (covid, full time work demands) and we always knew being based in different places was always going to be a challenge, especially once we began our careers but were determined to align our goals. It's why I find it such a shame we couldn't close the gap faster as I'm sure it would've been very different.

[LeojDon]

6 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

I agree with the last poster. Don't catastrophize the situation. Trust me, I put my self through torture because I thought what was between us was unique and once in a lifetime. Over time I realized that that relationship was actually not that great, and she's someone I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with. All my friends who knew her, even mutual friends, told me that.

Once feelings die down these incompatabilities will become more apperent to you. The worst thing you can do is to close yourself off to future relationships. Even if (which is not the case, but I'm trying to make a point) there was a 1% chance you would find someone you loved again, isn't it worth taking that chance? Keeping yourself closed off makes it 0%. 

And also, this might sound harsh, but don't assume her feelings for you. I came to the  conclusion that maybe I just loved her way more than she ever loved me. It's very sad but might be reality. Keep your heart open for someone who would fight for you; she's not the one. It's better you found out she's not willing to go through hard times with you sooner rather than later. 

Take care

I'm sure over time my evaluation will be clearer and I know there are small things which weren't great, but it's difficult to come to terms with because on one hand I never met someone who cared for me and loved me in such a genuine way like her, but on the other and like you said, ended up in showing quite a lack of care for me and relationship when the circumstances changed - something she always assured me would never happen and that we need to 'control what we can control'.

This is the first heartbreak i've ever felt & I'm 24. She's the first person who showed me true love but also heartbreak. It's a scary thought because although I absolutely do not regret the way I felt and our time together where I experienced the most beautiful feelings I never knew were possible, it also scares me how someone who I thought would always want the relationship and said they will always fight for it and that i'm the love of her life, can suddenly have their feelings change to the total opposite and leave me totally confused and broken.

And with your last point, it's hard to accept as last year when covid first started, she most definitely was carrying the relationship in a way as I was going through a very difficult period and her love for me and the relationship was undeniable. But then from this January onwards, her circumstances changed. Along with her workload picking up, covid preventing us from seeing each other (again), it was then me doing the groundwork while she seemingly didn't want to fight for it anymore and all she could explain it as, was that her feelings changed. 

[Thunder27]

36 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

I'm sure over time my evaluation will be clearer and I know there are small things which weren't great, but it's difficult to come to terms with because on one hand I never met someone who cared for me and loved me in such a genuine way like her, but on the other and like you said, ended up in showing quite a lack of care for me and relationship when the circumstances changed - something she always assured me would never happen and that we need to 'control what we can control'.

This is the first heartbreak i've ever felt & I'm 24. She's the first person who showed me true love but also heartbreak. It's a scary thought because although I absolutely do not regret the way I felt and our time together where I experienced the most beautiful feelings I never knew were possible, it also scares me how someone who I thought would always want the relationship and said they will always fight for it and that i'm the love of her life, can suddenly have their feelings change to the total opposite and leave me totally confused and broken.

And with your last point, it's hard to accept as last year when covid first started, she most definitely was carrying the relationship in a way as I was going through a very difficult period and her love for me and the relationship was undeniable. But then from this January onwards, her circumstances changed. Along with her workload picking up, covid preventing us from seeing each other (again), it was then me doing the groundwork while she seemingly didn't want to fight for it anymore and all she could explain it as, was that her feelings changed. 

I understand man, the first love I've heard is the worst. And my ex was the first person to ever take an interest in my hobbies and it felt like she genuinely looked up to me. By the end it felt like she hated me, and when push came to shove she used me as her emotional punching bag.

When feelings go it reveals a person's true colours imo. My ex promised she would always be there for me and that I was always welcome In her home for everything I did. But guess what? She avoids me like the plague and she moved on within a month of taking a break from each other. It is scary, but feelings fluctuate and from what I gather stress and hard times screw with feelings-- it changes people and what they want. Although I don't know either of you, I think this is genuinely about her and not you, so try not to take it personally. If this is something she does in all relationships than she's in for a rough time. 

I think everything you said at the end is the closure you need. You would have done anything, but she wasn't willing to. Same on my end. Read the book; see it as a learning experience; keep yourself open for new loves and experiences; don't catastrophize: be optimistic and excited for meeting someone who will fight for you. It's okay to grieve for your loss but don't let it keep you down for too long. Some people never get over an experience like this and I don't want that to be you. 

Just my two cents from someone who's just gone through it for the first time. 

Take care. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Thunder27

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

it was then me doing the groundwork while she seemingly didn't want to fight for it anymore and all she could explain it as, was that her feelings changed. 

But her feelings changing is exactly what happens.

Romantic love is not unconditional and everlasting.
What is magical and seemingly permanent one day, may be all gone the next.
That is how it works.
We change, our feelings change...

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, LeojDon said:

but if you've never newly created a romantic bond with someone while sharing a unique experience, it's difficult to understand.

I have experienced this. 

I still stand by my comments earlier. What you're descrbing is a fun experience, but not as unique as you think it is. And that's a good thing - it means you will keep an open mind to other amazing experiences in the future.

This is your first real heartbreak. It feels overwhelming and disorienting, and that's in part due to the fact that you are experiencing this all for the first time. Understand that millions of others came before you, and millions more will come after you. People keep on trucking and the vast majority move on. You need to start believing that you will too. There is no reason why you would be the exception who is incapable of it. Folks break up all the time, often in much worse circusmtances than yours. People can be amazingly resilient. 

But, you need to help yourself first. She cannot give you closure. Her listening to your voice notes won't do it. Seeing her won't do it. You have to do that. I would strongly recommend you start by letting go of the expectation of a response or explanation from her. 

[LeojDon]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have experienced this. 

I still stand by my comments earlier. What you're descrbing is a fun experience, but not as unique as you think it is. And that's a good thing - it means you will keep an open mind to other amazing experiences in the future.

This is your first real heartbreak. It feels overwhelming and disorienting, and that's in part due to the fact that you are experiencing this all for the first time. Understand that millions of others came before you, and millions more will come after you. People keep on trucking and the vast majority move on. You need to start believing that you will too. There is no reason why you would be the exception who is incapable of it. Folks break up all the time, often in much worse circusmtances than yours. People can be amazingly resilient. 

But, you need to help yourself first. She cannot give you closure. Her listening to your voice notes won't do it. Seeing her won't do it. You have to do that. I would strongly recommend you start by letting go of the expectation of a response or explanation from her. 

For sure it’s definitely overwhelming and difficult to understand how to even feel. Right now we haven’t spoke for 10 days now, the last message was from me asking a question mid-conversation which she just ignored which I didn’t deserve, if roles reversed I would never do that.

I’m in a group chat with just her parents and they still speak to me as normal since she hasn’t told them yet, but it’s breaking my heart each time they do as I know they’ll no longer be part of my life. I don’t know whether reach out to her to say to tell them, even after she ignored me (even though she likely will in the next weeks to respond to my voice notes, if she actually does) or do I just say nothing? It’s not really my place to tell her parents, it should come from her.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

I’m in a group chat with just her parents.

It would be less torture for you if you deleted and blocked her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

There's absolutely no reason to be chitchatting with her parents.

[elaine567]

You are now the ex-bf.
You would do well to remember that.

Why are you still in a group chat with her parents?

Tell them you and their daughter are no longer an item.
I guess they already know and are doing a bit of spying for their daughter and making sure you are OK...
There is no need to rip yourself in two each time they contact you.
 Be polite but tell them you would rather not talk to them or just let the contact fade naturally...

Edited April 30, 2021 by elaine567

[Beachead]

@LeojDon

3 hours ago, LeojDon said:

For sure it’s definitely overwhelming and difficult to understand how to even feel. Right now we haven’t spoke for 10 days now, the last message was from me asking a question mid-conversation which she just ignored which I didn’t deserve, if roles reversed I would never do that.

She trying to send the message that you two are broken up now.  It doesn't have anything to do with what you deserve or don't deserve, but more so about establishing the appropriate boundaries, for you and herself, based on this breakup.   

You're numb right now.  You'll come to experience sadness and later on anger as well and these emotions will alternate in a cycle from day to day, as the result of your mind trying to process the breakup.  As time goes on, you'll come to see things about relationship that you otherwise didn't realize, and your clarity about this situation will improve.    You will be able to get a better understanding of your progress if you pay close attention to your average mood over the course of a week and month, because your day to day emotions will fluctuate wildly.

Do not try to bury your pain by overworking, drinking, or diving into dating again, anytime soon.  You'll only stretch this whole process out longer. If you date too soon, you'll hurt yourself and others as well.  Continue to live your life but give yourself alone time, so that you can feel your pain in it's entirety.  That is how you will process it and that is how you will eventually overcome it and heal from it. 

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I’m in a group chat with just her parents and they still speak to me as normal since she hasn’t told them yet, but it’s breaking my heart each time they do as I know they’ll no longer be part of my life. I don’t know whether reach out to her to say to tell them, even after she ignored me (even though she likely will in the next weeks to respond to my voice notes, if she actually does) or do I just say nothing? It’s not really my place to tell her parents, it should come from her.

You were their daughter's boyfriend and have been in a chat with them for a long time.  That gives you reasonable grounds to tell them.

Let them know that you two did breakup and all things considered it's best for all parties, that you exit the chat.  Wish them well and get out of that immediately.  

Being in a chat with your now, ex-girlfriend's family, isn't healthy for you.

Other things you need to do for boundary purposes is, remove her off of Social Media.  Remove pictures and any trace off of her off of your phone as well.  Any gifts/cards/possessions of hers you own, box them.  You can write her number down and keep it some place out of sight but keep it off of your phone.  It all needs to be out of your sight. 

- Beach

Edited April 30, 2021 by Beachead

[ShyViolet]

It's inappropriate for you to still be talking with her parents.  You need to politely end that.  Just send a short and sweet message saying that you're sorry but you cannot chat with them anymore.  You can either tell them that their daughter and yourself have broken up, or just say "If you are wanting to know the reason, you should ask your daughter." and leave it at that, then block them.  

It's YOUR responsibility to put up boundaries, not wait around for others to decide to do it.  You are in charge of your own life.  All this hanging on and not wanting to let go is unhealthy and not doing yourself any favors in the long run.

[flitzanu]

agreed with the above.  cut communication with the ex's parents, that's a horrible idea to be in communication with them.  also, do not try to get them on your side or say anything negative about their daughter, that's not going to help your case at all. 

you just need to end the group chat, or just say that you two are no longer together and wish them the best, end chat.  any questions they can ask their kid.

 

[LeojDon]

On 4/30/2021 at 12:37 PM, Beachead said:

@LeojDon

She trying to send the message that you two are broken up now.  It doesn't have anything to do with what you deserve or don't deserve, but more so about establishing the appropriate boundaries, for you and herself, based on this breakup.   

You're numb right now.  You'll come to experience sadness and later on anger as well and these emotions will alternate in a cycle from day to day, as the result of your mind trying to process the breakup.  As time goes on, you'll come to see things about relationship that you otherwise didn't realize, and your clarity about this situation will improve.    You will be able to get a better understanding of your progress if you pay close attention to your average mood over the course of a week and month, because your day to day emotions will fluctuate wildly.

Do not try to bury your pain by overworking, drinking, or diving into dating again, anytime soon.  You'll only stretch this whole process out longer. If you date too soon, you'll hurt yourself and others as well.  Continue to live your life but give yourself alone time, so that you can feel your pain in it's entirety.  That is how you will process it and that is how you will eventually overcome it and heal from it. 

You were their daughter's boyfriend and have been in a chat with them for a long time.  That gives you reasonable grounds to tell them.

Let them know that you two did breakup and all things considered it's best for all parties, that you exit the chat.  Wish them well and get out of that immediately.  

Being in a chat with your now, ex-girlfriend's family, isn't healthy for you.

Other things you need to do for boundary purposes is, remove her off of Social Media.  Remove pictures and any trace off of her off of your phone as well.  Any gifts/cards/possessions of hers you own, box them.  You can write her number down and keep it some place out of sight but keep it off of your phone.  It all needs to be out of your sight. 

- Beach

I reached out as it was causing me pain with her parents talking about visiting them etc, and I pointed out that ignoring me was quite insensitive and I would’ve never done that to her.

she said she’s told them and they said they love me very much and would really like to still have a relationship with me beyond what happens, but I think I’ll leave them a nice message it will probably slowly fade out. Just shows how much they thought of me and it’s so sad it’s come to this.

She also apologised for ignoring, and said it wasn’t meant to be a way to send a message or have any intention behind it but it’s difficult to talk as it still affects her a lot. We had this call pending which we both agreed 2 weeks ago, but since she still hasn’t I told her if you’re waiting until next month it’s really not necessary as it’s just prolonging my pain and I just want everything said that needs to be said.

While I was listening to her message it truly killed me at how this girl who truly loved me now no longer feels that way. It was just a hugely melancholic, deep sadness that she won’t be by my side in the future and I just feel totally helpless and devastated it’s comes to this. All the future Xmas’ at her parents place in Italy, all the future holidays and plans, just gone with the wind. This is gonna take me a long time to recover from, I just feel it.

[Beachead]

@LeojDon

Yes, it will take time and it will be struggle but you will heal..with time.

As you mentioned earlier, when things were coming together, she cut the cord and bailed.  

Someone who's right for you, works with you because they see a future with you and they don't plan on losing it, so they make choices that push them into the relationship, not out.   They look for solutions.  They look for ways to move forward, together.  

Your ex chose out which tells me something in your relationship wasn't right for her.  Like a crack in a glass, you put enough pressure and strain on it, it breaks sooner, rather than later.  Tough circumstances always do a good job of revealing the ones who were never going to stay anyway. 

The proof in that, is you.  You were on the other end of this with the same relationship challenges..why didn't your feelings change?

This is not to assign blame to any particular party but to point out, things work out as they are meant to.  She wasn't perfect and your relationship although perfect for you, wasn't perfect for her.  Be sure to remind yourself of that, rather than see he as "The one who got away."

- Beach

Edited May 2, 2021 by Beachead

[Thunder27]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

Your ex chose out which tells me something in your relationship wasn't right for her.  Like a crack in a glass, you put enough pressure and strain on it, it breaks sooner, rather than later.  Tough circumstances always do a good job of revealing the ones who were never going to stay anyway. 

The proof in that, is you.  You were on the other end of this with the same relationship challenges..why didn't your feelings change?

I like this, thanks. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is par for the course with a break-up, Leo. Yes, it will take time to accept that the future you imagined with her is not going to happen. 

It will take time to heal. 

So, you should start now. Stop waiting on her for more explanations. You've both said your piece. She clearly has nothing further to add, really, or she would have said it by now. It hurts, but like the vast majority of folks, you will move on. Slowly, but surely. 

 

[LeojDon]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

@LeojDon

Yes, it will take time and it will be struggle but you will heal..with time.

As you mentioned earlier, when things were coming together, she cut the cord and bailed.  

Someone who's right for you, works with you because they see a future with you and they don't plan on losing it, so they make choices that push them into the relationship, not out.   They look for solutions.  They look for ways to move forward, together.  

Your ex chose out which tells me something in your relationship wasn't right for her.  Like a crack in a glass, you put enough pressure and strain on it, it breaks sooner, rather than later.  Tough circumstances always do a good job of revealing the ones who were never going to stay anyway. 

The proof in that, is you.  You were on the other end of this with the same relationship challenges..why didn't your feelings change?

This is not to assign blame to any particular party but to point out, things work out as they are meant to.  She wasn't perfect and your relationship although perfect for you, wasn't perfect for her.  Be sure to remind yourself of that, rather than see he as "The one who got away."

- Beach

Couldn’t have said it better myself. They look for solutions and don’t plan on losing the relationship, regardless of the scenario. With her, her feelings changed and I don’t know to what extent she could control that/find solutions - but she made a choice to stop fighting for it and that was the key.

With me, my love or feelings never strayed and I was so excited for May/June so we could finally be together again, I’m just so sad that I was the only one in these last months.

I see so many other LDR couples who haven’t seen each other for a year, working full time and are still so invested in the relationship no matter how hard it gets. I’m just surprised that once she felt her feelings changed, she didn’t want to at least explore it and meet me to give it every chance.

But for sure, these are tough circumstances with lockdowns/her being on her own in her room constantly working, these are all factors, maybe not the cause. But considering the love she always expressed for me, I’m just still confused as to how things changed since she stressed they were factors but not the cause, I guess it’s just a combination of things. 

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is par for the course with a break-up, Leo. Yes, it will take time to accept that the future you imagined with her is not going to happen. 

It will take time to heal. 

So, you should start now. Stop waiting on her for more explanations. You've both said your piece. She clearly has nothing further to add, really, or she would have said it by now. It hurts, but like the vast majority of folks, you will move on. Slowly, but surely. 

 

I truly hope so. All that has been replaying in my mind which just breaks my heart is that she will no longer be part of my life, future xmas’ we planned, future trips etc all just gone. I seriously can’t believe those two years with her have come & gone.

Just feels so much like unfinished business that I haven’t seen her and I miss her dearly. She’s my person and I’m just totally heart broken at the prospect of letting go and letting this love I have for her just slowly die out when all this came so unexpectedly.

[ExpatInItaly]

What you're feeling is totally normal after a break-up that was not mutual. I promise. Nearly every dumpee has experienced exactly what you're experiencing right now. 

There's a period in which we feel shocked. Unable to really grasp what has happened. And yes, it usually feels like unfinished business. But the reality is that if she were truly your person, you wouldn't be broken up now. Something in her wasn't invested any longer. It doesn't really even matter what was behind her decision. What matters is that she did not have the desire to continue. 

You'll have to be very patient with yourself, and  realize that while it hurts like hell right now, you will someday feel better. Trust the healing process.