I feel like I need to see her again for my own healing?

[tart6245]

It sounds like you've said your peace. Now you have to let go. I'd tell her parents goodbye. There is no reason for you to continue to communicate with them. It only holds you back. If she had any desire to be with you again, she'd have said so, but she didn't. And she left you rather than trying to work through whatever issues you may have had. It hurts and the pain will come and go as you heal. One day you may feel normal and great and the next, you will feel awful. Then one day, you'll wake up and feel nothing. Everyone moves at their own pace to get to that situation. 

Whenever you feel down, remind yourself she chose to leave you rather than to fight for the relationship. It's better you see that side of her now rather than when kids or marriage is involved. Some day you will see her for who she is and not the ideal version you have in your brain. 

[LeojDon]

16 hours ago, tart6245 said:

It sounds like you've said your peace. Now you have to let go. I'd tell her parents goodbye. There is no reason for you to continue to communicate with them. It only holds you back. If she had any desire to be with you again, she'd have said so, but she didn't. And she left you rather than trying to work through whatever issues you may have had. It hurts and the pain will come and go as you heal. One day you may feel normal and great and the next, you will feel awful. Then one day, you'll wake up and feel nothing. Everyone moves at their own pace to get to that situation. 

Whenever you feel down, remind yourself she chose to leave you rather than to fight for the relationship. It's better you see that side of her now rather than when kids or marriage is involved. Some day you will see her for who she is and not the ideal version you have in your brain. 

Thank you for this message. It’s strange, like I want to tell her everything on my mind now to over-compensate for not being able to see each other in person due to covid, but I guess we both already know just how much we meant to each other.

And you’re so right, that she made an active choice to leave and not fight for it whereas my feelings didn’t change despite having similar challenges with distance/covid etc but even she wonders why her feelings changed, she just couldn’t find any answers she says.

It’s quite cruel in a way that I have to just let my intense love for her just gently die out so prematurely, it feels so wrong. But I guess there’s nothing I can do/could’ve done to control it. 

[LeojDon]

On 5/3/2021 at 12:10 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

What you're feeling is totally normal after a break-up that was not mutual. I promise. Nearly every dumpee has experienced exactly what you're experiencing right now. 

There's a period in which we feel shocked. Unable to really grasp what has happened. And yes, it usually feels like unfinished business. But the reality is that if she were truly your person, you wouldn't be broken up now. Something in her wasn't invested any longer. It doesn't really even matter what was behind her decision. What matters is that she did not have the desire to continue. 

You'll have to be very patient with yourself, and  realize that while it hurts like hell right now, you will someday feel better. Trust the healing process. 

You’re totally correct. In this last month I’ve been through so many phases of emotions it’s just been a total whirlwind in my mind. Like I said to another responder, it’s just quite cruel (not on her part) that I now have to just allow my love for her to slowly die out totally prematurely when I thought it was for a long time. 

I guess I just need to keep in mind that it was her choice, and my feelings didn’t change despite similar challenges so there’s nothing that could be done unless I’m god and can prevent covid etc. I have a long road ahead but I think now that contact has been totally removed (since she finally responded to my voice notes) my healing begins.

I think I also need something to preoccupy my mind as this is all I can think about during the day. Since I got back from travelling I was trying to find a job aligning with my aspirations but finally I now have interviews coming up. I guess she is managing it much better as her time is totally taken up whereas mine currently isn’t. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

I guess she is managing it much better as her time is totally taken up whereas mine currently isn’t.

Yes, and remember that her experience as a dumper is very dìfferent from yours as the dumpee. 

She has been deatching from this for a while, so she's already processed the end and let go. It's a shock for you, but not for her. So while you are reeling, this was something she wanted. That's not to say that dumpers don't go through their own sadness but it's generally not to the same degree as the folks who are on the receiving end of an unwanted break-up. It's not a pleasant thought, of course, but dumpers and dumpess generally don't struggle the same way and for the same reasons when the break-up happens. 

You will be okay. It's time to take real time and space from her and not try to get more answers or explanations from her. What's been said is all that can be said (from her) It's up to you now to come to terms with it, and you will, slowly and in your own time. Break-ups hurt but they don't have to be the end of the world if  we don't lose ourselves in the grief. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Thank you for this message. It’s strange, like I want to tell her everything on my mind now to over-compensate for not being able to see each other in person due to covid, but I guess we both already know just how much we meant to each other.

And you’re so right, that she made an active choice to leave and not fight for it whereas my feelings didn’t change despite having similar challenges with distance/covid etc but even she wonders why her feelings changed, she just couldn’t find any answers she says.

It’s quite cruel in a way that I have to just let my intense love for her just gently die out so prematurely, it feels so wrong. But I guess there’s nothing I can do/could’ve done to control it. 

 

6 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

 I now have interviews coming up. 

Excellent. Once you start working, get your life back on track, get more involved in sports, groups, clubs, volunteering, and a real life that you are happy with, hopefully all the obsessing and maudlin ruminating will calm down.

If getting your life back in order with regard to work and keeping busy doing positive things doesn't improve matters, it may be time to speak to your doctor about protracted ruminating, helplessness, hopelessness, etc.  and get medical treatment and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[tart6245]

5 hours ago, LeojDon said:

Thank you for this message. It’s strange, like I want to tell her everything on my mind now to over-compensate for not being able to see each other in person due to covid, but I guess we both already know just how much we meant to each other.

And you’re so right, that she made an active choice to leave and not fight for it whereas my feelings didn’t change despite having similar challenges with distance/covid etc but even she wonders why her feelings changed, she just couldn’t find any answers she says.

It’s quite cruel in a way that I have to just let my intense love for her just gently die out so prematurely, it feels so wrong. But I guess there’s nothing I can do/could’ve done to control it. 

You just have to accept it's out of your control. You can't force someone to love you or want to be with you, and why would you want that anyway? You told her how you felt and she didn't reciprocate, so continuing to love her is wasting the love you can give someone else. It will die off in time if you stop talking to her and purge yourself of things that remind you of her. 

[LeojDon]

On 5/5/2021 at 9:40 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and remember that her experience as a dumper is very dìfferent from yours as the dumpee. 

She has been deatching from this for a while, so she's already processed the end and let go. It's a shock for you, but not for her. So while you are reeling, this was something she wanted. That's not to say that dumpers don't go through their own sadness but it's generally not to the same degree as the folks who are on the receiving end of an unwanted break-up. It's not a pleasant thought, of course, but dumpers and dumpess generally don't struggle the same way and for the same reasons when the break-up happens. 

You will be okay. It's time to take real time and space from her and not try to get more answers or explanations from her. What's been said is all that can be said (from her) It's up to you now to come to terms with it, and you will, slowly and in your own time. Break-ups hurt but they don't have to be the end of the world if  we don't lose ourselves in the grief. 

Yes I think now all that’s needed to be said has been said, otherwise we’ll just go round in circles and she can’t really say anything more. I think I’ve come to terms that meeting her in a month or so isn’t wise, it’ll just pain me even more and I will never try to convince someone to love me when she has the choice too.

It’s painful, and honestly I seriously don’t know what’s next. From her ending it, to me potentially moving to her own country that would’ve sealed us. If there’s anything this is teaching me, it’s that happiness slips away too easily and the realisation that a partner can’t walk out of your life at any time. It’s scary and now that communication has been cut, I guess my journey now begins here. 
 

Thank you so much for your words these last weeks, you have no idea how much they’ve helped me. It’s probably been the toughest month I’ve faced mentally but I hope to update you in months/a year from now saying “wow, you were right all along!” And if I go to Milan, I for sure owe you an espresso if you’re around!

[LeojDon]

Thank you every one of you who has given me words of comfort and advice on this. It’s totally new territory and a journey of emotions I never thought I’d have to experience, but you guys really helped reassure me massively. It’s incredible how total strangers can sometimes feel the closest!

 I have a long road ahead but now I want to get on the road which leads me to feeling complete myself before opening up to others.

I don’t want to keep exhausting this, so if you’d like to follow the thread, please do so. I’ll continuously update in the months ahead and for my own reflection to see the growth, but I can’t thank you all enough and I owe you all

[LeojDon]

Hey guys. So it's been just over 5 months since she ended it and I thought it'd give a bit of an update.

Shortly after the last message I sent in here, I left her so extremely heartfelt messages telling her what she and the relationship meant to me. She read it 2 months later and didn't even respond to it/acknowledge it and that hurt me so much. It really left a sour taste as i'd have never dreamed of ignoring her, especially if I was the one letting her go.

Since then I really pushed myself to be disciplined and not view her socials since it made me feel like s*** every time I involved myself in her life, even if it was innocent things like going for drinks - it was without me. 

Though the other day, I was scrolling through my whatsapp chats randomly and saw that she changed her profile picture for the first time since and it well and truly cut me to bits. It was that realisation that she's just carrying on her life and strange feeling that she was almost recognisable to me, as if I was looking at her knowing she was that girl who made me feel such incredible things yet is now doing life without me. It was such a strange yet sad feeling.

Fast forward to now, and I feel like i'm relapsing constantly again. I started a new job in my city a few weeks ago and en route to it I have to go past every single place where we shared so many beautiful memories (her old Uni apartment, little spots where we were intimate etc) when she lived her for five months back in 2019 and I truly feel that loss all the time. Constant triggers which set my mind reminiscing. Right now I just feel so damn empty, like there's this huge void within me left unfilled. I really feel that lack of having a deep, emotional connection and life feels pretty lonely despite having people around me. 

I think i just feel quite isolated, constantly battling these triggers which lower my mood, times where the environment was more stimulating and consisted of strong bonds.

Just angers me how five months on this is all still really affecting me yet i'm sure for her after a month she was on the straight and narrow.

Edited September 7, 2021 by LeojDon
typo

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

I really left a sour taste as i'd have never dreamed of ignoring her, especially if I was the one letting her go.

Sorry this happening. Stop pouring salt in the wound🧂. Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

You may think it feels like its still a connection, but it prevents you from investing the energy into moving on and dating new women.

[LeojDon]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happening. Stop pouring salt in the wound🧂. Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

You may think it feels like its still a connection, but it prevents you from investing the energy into moving on and dating new women.

To be honest I haven't even looked at anything relating to her for months as I've just forced myself to be disciplined. It's more so these triggers in daily life and reflecting on the loss I now feel and experience too, it's tough. I thought finally getting a job would be the making of me but it's made me feel a little lonelier since it's still in my city which doesn't stimulate me and I don't get to meet a lot of new people. Clearly my issue is internal

[salmagund1]

On 4/28/2021 at 2:25 PM, LeojDon said:

Hello and thanks so much for your response, also thanks to you all who have replied by the way, it’s incredible how stranger can provide such comfort.

Anyway yes it’s exactly that, it’s like while I wait on her to respond, she’s surely just getting on with her life and her hectic work schedule and probably not paying too much thought to me & us. Of course though, it’s always worse on the receiving end when it’s out of the blue, I’ve been trying to connect dots and end up back at the first one I’m just heart broken. 
 

It’s the worst feeling to think someone who is not only my partner but also my best friend and my person will become a distant stranger, that is something which will take me a long time to come to terms with and has truly knocked me sideways. All those future plans, her family who were amazing to me and of course her and how much she meant to me, will just become memories, it’s difficult to come to terms with. I hope your healing process has seen some light in the end 

I feel this man, I was in a whirlwind relationship with a woman who (seemed) head over heels with me and loved me to death...until one day it was done.   We haven't spoken in person since, and only barely on line.   I blocked her everywhere and now...I can only project onto the image I have of her what she may be doing, thinking etc.   I have no idea because...she's now effectively a stranger...or...just somebody that I used to know...

It will continue to suck until one day it will suck less and then you will get better, meet someone else and probably even reach that amazing place where you realize that dumping you was the best thing your ex could have done for you.  I've been there.   You will be too, don't worry...

[salmagund1]

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

To be honest I haven't even looked at anything relating to her for months as I've just forced myself to be disciplined. It's more so these triggers in daily life and reflecting on the loss I now feel and experience too, it's tough. I thought finally getting a job would be the making of me but it's made me feel a little lonelier since it's still in my city which doesn't stimulate me and I don't get to meet a lot of new people. Clearly my issue is internal

I feel this too...but in my case (and maybe in yours) part of the problem is that I freighted a relatively short but very intense relationship with a lot more significance and meaning and depth than it merited.   That is making my moving on harder...

I think it is important to relativise here and to see the relationship in its proper perspective.   See it in its reality for what it actually was (I have the impression it was not based on a lot of actually time together and rather more long distance communication?).   In other words, put this relationship in its proper place.  

I even think (and again I'm thinking of my own case here) that its important to reflect on why you give so much meaning to this relationship...is it because you don't believe you will meet someone else?   That is dangerous because this will keep you hanging on to the wreckage of your prior relationship and keeping it alive in your heart to you detriment.   You can really do your head in thinking that that you f***ed up your one and only shot with the only girl for you (I've have had dozens of "only girls for me"...you will find another...

But I do relate to you, which is why I'm speaking as much to myself as to you.

Good luck

[LeojDon]

39 minutes ago, salmagund1 said:

I feel this man, I was in a whirlwind relationship with a woman who (seemed) head over heels with me and loved me to death...until one day it was done.   We haven't spoken in person since, and only barely on line.   I blocked her everywhere and now...I can only project onto the image I have of her what she may be doing, thinking etc.   I have no idea because...she's now effectively a stranger...or...just somebody that I used to know...

It will continue to suck until one day it will suck less and then you will get better, meet someone else and probably even reach that amazing place where you realize that dumping you was the best thing your ex could have done for you.  I've been there.   You will be too, don't worry...

Hello thanks for responding

It's the frustrating and surreal feeling you described which I feel - all those memories of us are now just trapped in my head but the reality is so much different, all these places I keep passing where we shared so much together remained the same yet my head plays such a different story. I definitely have been thinking about what she's doing lately, who she may have been intimate with etc ever since randomly seeing her updated photo. 

I find it very hard to comprehend another person. I know that it usually finds you (which happened with this relationship) but right now I don't even look at women in a romantic way at the moment, my feelings have never felt so numb before. I really just don't have the energy, courage or space in my heart to give attention or love to someone else

[robaday]

I am in the same position. It's been six months since I saw or spoke to her last, I'm sure she is fully over me by now, I have no idea I have blocked her on everything and haven't reached out. 

All I can say though is I have met other women in the time since - I had a glimpse of hope the other night on a date at a woman's house, saw the evening light, listening to music and drinking and remembering how life was before covid and all sorts of bad stuff happened in my life. I also have a new job I'm proud of and am writing lists of things that will make me happy once the world returns to normal. The pain is still there, it's an addictive need for her contact filled with anxiety. All I can say is on the surface I'm doing well, getting dates, doing a dream job. 

What is helping me, and I'm not sure if it will help you is that I am visualising I can get the life I had back (my role involved a lot of international travel, was exciting and I had a beautiful woman on my arm). It wont be the same woman. And the life wont be exactly the same. But I am determined to reclaim that somehow. 

[salmagund1]

1 minute ago, robaday said:

The pain is still there, it's an addictive need for her contact filled with anxiety.

yeah I feel that.  Since my breakup I strangely feel like...I have no bones in my chest...does that make any sense?  🤔

[LeojDon]

Update: 

Three weeks ago I decided to get out my comfort zone on a solo trip abroad, and ended up meeting the most amazing girl from Canada who I got intimate with for the first time since my BU - never did I anticipate this after the last 7 months I experienced.

Long story short - it can’t work as we live in different countries (I’m in UK), but now I’ve experienced someone as sweet, as caring and gentle its left me feeling a bit melancholic.

Meeting her allowed me to really move forward with my feelings towards my ex, but now it’s like after I got those butterflies for the first time in ages, I’m left missing another person which I did not expect in a million years which right now isn’t working in my favour. Now she's gone cold (which I totally expected as I went through it all with my ex) and she doesn't reply as much with has left me with this feeling of loss yet again - which I also didn't anticipate.

I realise it’s probably a fleeting feeling right now but after a week of back & forward sweet messages, she’s gone radio silent and it brought back memories of the ending with my ex.

It’s like I was enjoying this new company so much and maybe let myself into it a little more than I should have feelings-wise, to the point where her not messaging is giving me triggers despite understanding the situation and having no expectation of anything coming of it. Maybe clinging on that feeling of affection and attention?