I feel like I need to see her again for my own healing?

[LeojDon]

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, but last saw her in December as we’re long distance and everything was perfect between us. 

She began a full time job there in November and she’s overworked/stressed/feeling miserable, it’s why I’m so surprised she wasn’t so keen to wait and meet again to explore it further. I feel it’s a huge cause of this, and it’s our relationships first “real life” test

Recently she told me she’s fallen out of love with me and that it was very gradual, but I said we should meet (she’s in Berlin, I’m in the UK) so we can truly understand you can truly feel me in person rather than text, but I’m worried that by the time I can go to Germany (maybe in a month due to covid) she’ll already have moved on in her mind. But it wouldn’t be going to beg at her door, it’s more so for my own peace.

At first I was heartbroken but now I feel really angry and disappointed. Angry that she said she lost willingness to fight when she always told me ‘let’s control what we can control, 6 months apart doesn’t matter if we’re forever’

Disappointed that she just gave up, she abandoned the relationship when I warned her to keep communicating and tend to the relationship or we’ll feel distant. I saw it in January as she barely had any time

So disappointed that she could ever make me feel this way. She even said “I never thought I’d be the one to hurt you and I know I’ll regret this” yet here we are. 

It’s a pain like no other as alongside this, my hands are completely tied as I can’t go visit her to clear the air and in a sense seek closure due to covid. The timing couldn’t have been any worse, now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I know she’s hurting too but it’s never the same when you’re on the receiving end.

 I just really don’t want it to all feel like a dream and like she just vanished from my life, it’s like only once I’ve seen her and looked at her eyes can I close a chapter. This way over FaceTime just makes it feel like I’m in limbo, like unfinished business.

[d0nnivain]

Her life is changing with this job.  With everything else going on in the world, she can't balance everything & may feel a bit hopeless that you two will ever be able to overcome the immigration issues to be together for real.  

You use words like "perfect" & "dream" to describe what you had with her.  From where I sit it reads more like an unworkable fantasy. 

I get that you want closure but closure comes from within.  She can't give it to you.  

[glows]

Are you still texting/communicating or keeping in touch on social media etc? That needs to stop. All those emotions are quite common (disappointment, feeling upset, anger, frustration, sadness). 

I know it's hard. But you do what you need to do for yourself and start establishing better boundaries. Free your mind and time up for other activities and hobbies. 

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Her life is changing with this job.  With everything else going on in the world, she can't balance everything & may feel a bit hopeless that you two will ever be able to overcome the immigration issues to be together for real.  

You use words like "perfect" & "dream" to describe what you had with her.  From where I sit it reads more like an unworkable fantasy. 

I get that you want closure but closure comes from within.  She can't give it to you.  

The worst part is that I just received a job interview which is based in Milan.. where she’s looking to move to next so she can be closer to family. This is what pains me the most, that things are coming together and covid restrictions are slowly easing yet she’s firm in her decision after not seeing each other in over 4 months.

[LeojDon]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you still texting/communicating or keeping in touch on social media etc? That needs to stop. All those emotions are quite common (disappointment, feeling upset, anger, frustration, sadness). 

I know it's hard. But you do what you need to do for yourself and start establishing better boundaries. Free your mind and time up for other activities and hobbies. 

Yes, we’d been sending long voice notes last week clarifying what happened etc, but I don’t know, I feel like it would free me completely if I were able to speak to her in person. I feel like it’s essential for my own peace of mind but that could be a month or so away.

[glows]

1 minute ago, LeojDon said:

Yes, we’d been sending long voice notes last week clarifying what happened etc, but I don’t know, I feel like it would free me completely if I were able to speak to her in person. I feel like it’s essential for my own peace of mind but that could be a month or so away.

Only you can determine what's best for yourself but your biggest priority right now should be recognizing and respecting that the relationship is over. Denial is common. I think you're in shock also which happens. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Go on the job interview.  If you get the job & want to move do that for you. If she ends up in the same city & you are both single you can try again in a more conventional way.  

For now concentrate on yourself & your healing.  

[spiderowl]

I am sorry this has happened but long-distance relationships often do not work out because one or the other eventually meets someone nearer.  I know you have invested a lot in this.

For whatever reason, she has lost the feeling she had.  There is nothing you can do about that.  While I can understand you wanting to see her, for closure, it probably would not give you closure because the end of a relationship often leaves at least one person feeling shocked and confused.

It is important to tell yourself that sometimes there is no such thing as closure.  You will never understand why her feelings have changed.  She may never understand why her feelings have changed.  They just have.  Some things cannot be understood or explained logically.

It would be a mistake to try to go and see her, unless she specifically wants to meet.  From her point of view, the relationship is over.  If you persisted, against her wishes, you could be accused of stalking.  You definitely don't want that.

While it hurts like hell at the moment, you will recover if you accept the relationship is over.  It might take a few weeks but you will start to feel better and to see a different future for yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/23/2021 at 3:39 PM, LeojDon said:

I feel like it would free me completely if I were able to speak to her in person. I feel like it’s essential for my own peace of mind but that could be a month or so away.

Nooo, Leo. 

It would probably only hurt you more. Imagine meeting her, all your feelings come rushing back, and still having to give her that final hug goodbye and literally watch her walk away from you forever. 

Those last in-person meetings rarely ever bring the closure people think they will. It usually has the opposite affect, and rips open any little wounds that had started to heal. Seeing her isn't going to be what brings you a sense of peace about this break-up. 

Does she know you've got an interview in Milan? If so, and she's still adamant in her decision, then it might be time to realize that Covid and long-distance were not the only factors in her choice to break up. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nooo, Leo. 

It would probably only hurt you more. Imagine meeting her, all your feelings come rushing back, and still having to give her that final hug goodbye and literally watch her walk away from you forever. 

Those last in-person meetings rarely ever bring the closure people think they will. It usually has the opposite affect, and rips open any little wounds that had started to heal. Seeing her isn't going to be what brings you a sense of peace about this break-up. 

Does she know you've got an interview in Milan? If so, and she's still adamant in her decision, then it might be time to realize that Covid and long-distance were not the only factors in her choice to break up. 

Yeah I was trying to process the whole scene in my head, and while I think talking face to face would bring me so much clarity and leaving no stone unturned, it would hurt me to go there and she isn’t her usual affectionate self and just treats me like a good friend. Don’t forget the last time we met in December she was like a giddy puppy when I arrived, and for that to turn into a cold hug would hurt. But I wouldn’t be going there to reconcile and try get things back on track as by that time, I think too much time will have passed.

She did say though that she was 50/50 in me coming as it wouldn’t be spontaneous & “of course, it would be intense as we’re human” but surely if your feelings switched off, this wouldn’t be even be something that could happen? I don’t know if she’s scared of seeing me and she then gets confused & second-guesses herself. 

With Milan, no I haven’t told her yet. Of course it’s not a given I’ll even get it but she even said, though distance, which we went 6 months without seeing each other due to covid last year, may be factors, the bottom line is that her feelings changed and she lost the willingness to fight for it.

I just feel helpless at how life had to make things so difficult for us, the timing of absolutely everything was off. I mean, what are the chances of receiving an interview in Milan literally two weeks following her ending it, when it seems impossible for months? This may have solved so many potential issues and gave us something to aim for.

Edited April 27, 2021 by LeojDon

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

This may have solved so many potential issues and gave us something to aim for.

Truth is it probably wouldn't have. She lost feeling, she could still  have done that had you been living together in Milan.
People do not break up over nothing, she will have taken everything into consideration and she still went ahead.
She did not see a future with you and now wants to date other men. 
That is what a  break up is all about.

You hope you can somehow persuade her to change her mind, that you can fix it, if you see her in the flesh, but life doesn't work like that.
Unless she expresses a wish to try again then you are wasting your time.

I have dumped a few men all for different reasons, but specifically I did not see a future with them and I wanted to be free to date other men.
Whilst I may have missed them, been lonely or nostalgic at times, I NEVER wanted them back.

I think you are going to be massively disappointed if you do go visit her.
It will be a complete waste of your time.
Onwards and upwards.
Look forward not back.

[LeojDon]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Truth is it probably wouldn't have. She lost feeling, she could still  have done that had you been living together in Milan.
People do not break up over nothing, she will have taken everything into consideration and she still went ahead.
She did not see a future with you and now wants to date other men. 
That is what a  break up is all about.

You hope you can somehow persuade her to change her mind, that you can fix it, if you see her in the flesh, but life doesn't work like that.
Unless she expresses a wish to try again then you are wasting your time.

I have dumped a few men all for different reasons, but specifically I did not see a future with them and I wanted to be free to date other men.
Whilst I may have missed them, been lonely or nostalgic at times, I NEVER wanted them back.

I think you are going to be massively disappointed if you do go visit her.
It will be a complete waste of your time.
Onwards and upwards.
Look forward not back.

I’m not sure right now it’s a case of her wanting to date other guys. She is so overworked and stressed with her job that it’s like she just doesn’t have the emotional strength to dedicate to something else and make effort. It’s painful as I never would’ve expected it with her as she’s the most loving, caring and amazing person I’ve ever met but clearly she didn’t care enough and really neglected us in the last month or so. 
 

It’s just too surreal after not seeing her in a while and then suddenly we’re like two ships passing in the night, I just can’t get my head around it. It’s almost like a person close to you passing away out of the blue and you’re trying to connect dots and pick up the pieces. But in this case she’s probably preoccupied with work that it’s not the forefront of her mind, meanwhile it kills me everything single day.

She sent me 25 mins of voice notes 2 weeks ago explaining more, I sent some back a few days later and she hasn’t listened still as she “only has her weekends to get her s*** together” and that right now she can’t bare to face another call as it really hurts her.  But in the meantime I really don’t want to keep waiting and waiting, so I don’t whether to reach out and say can you just listen to them as I can’t keep dragging this out longer.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, LeojDon said:

I’m not sure right now it’s a case of her wanting to date other guys. She is so overworked and stressed with her job that it’s like she just doesn’t have the emotional strength to dedicate to something else and make effort. It’s painful as I never would’ve expected it with her as she’s the most loving, caring and amazing person I’ve ever met but clearly she didn’t care enough and really neglected us in the last month or so.

It is not necessarily about right now after just ending a relationship, but it is about the future.
Is she now dating another guy or has another guy in mind. We don't know.
However, does she see LeojDon in that future? NO.
Does she see some other guy in that future? YES.

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

But in the meantime I really don’t want to keep waiting and waiting,

You're the only one keeping yourself waiting, though. 

She has already ended it. It's hard to accept, but there's no reason to wait. In her mind, it appears this is already over. She isn't dragging it out - you are. I understand what you mean and you want her to listen to what you sent, but she already made her choice. 

It sounds like all she's been doing is clarifying and explaining. It doesn't seem she is reconsidering her decision, so I don't think her listening to your voice notes is going to change anything. You will have said your piece, that's all. 

There's nothing for you to wait for here. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems she's met someone locally and using the "stressed,busy" excuses.

Just reflect in peace without static from this. 

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

[LeojDon]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're the only one keeping yourself waiting, though. 

She has already ended it. It's hard to accept, but there's no reason to wait. In her mind, it appears this is already over. She isn't dragging it out - you are. I understand what you mean and you want her to listen to what you sent, but she already made her choice. 

It sounds like all she's been doing is clarifying and explaining. It doesn't seem she is reconsidering her decision, so I don't think her listening to your voice notes is going to change anything. You will have said your piece, that's all. 

There's nothing for you to wait for here. 

I agree, but I don’t want her to respond in a months time saying okay I listened to them can we talk about them. I’d rather we do it not than a time where she’s probably waiting for herself to come to terms with it mentally so it doesn’t hurt her when/if we speak about it. There were things I said in them (they’re lengthy) which I would really like to hear an explanation from, which is why I would like to her from her side. 

[LeojDon]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems she's met someone locally and using the "stressed,busy" excuses.

Just reflect in peace without static from this. 

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

We’ve always been very honest & upfront with each other, especially in a LDR, which is one thing I’ve always valued about her. In a pandemic alongside full time work and curfews past 10pm, I highly doubt it’s the case.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

I agree, but I don’t want her to respond in a months time saying okay I listened to them can we talk about them. I’d rather we do it not than a time where she’s probably waiting for herself to come to terms with it mentally so it doesn’t hurt her when/if we speak about it. There were things I said in them (they’re lengthy) which I would really like to hear an explanation from, which is why I would like to her from her side. 

She said her piece, she doesn't need to hear your reply, hence why she has left them unopened.
You seem to think you have some control here whereas the dumpee has very little control.
It is all about the dumper. They made the decision to split, they are in control.
Trying to state how you feel, trying in effect to wrest control, will only annoy.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

We’ve always been very honest & upfront with each other, especially in a LDR, 

Unfortunately after a breakup all bets are off as far as "always honest and upfront".

Step back and heal in peace without the static background noise from the past.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

There were things I said in them (they’re lengthy) which I would really like to hear an explanation from, which is why I would like to her from her side. 

This should not keep you waiting from moving on, though. 

You will need to work on accepting this break-up, regardless of whether you get an explanation for whichever questions you have. You two have already met your end as a couple. The decision has already been reached. 

[LeojDon]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This should not keep you waiting from moving on, though. 

You will need to work on accepting this break-up, regardless of whether you get an explanation for whichever questions you have. You two have already met your end as a couple. The decision has already been reached. 

I guess it’s difficult to begin to move on when I know I’m still waiting on a response, whenever that will come. I’m just still in total disbelief that this is the reality, I’m still totally shocked and my heart is still in pieces. Losing my partner best friend is something that is weighing so heavy on me, I hope it doesn’t scar me in future as I really let myself be so vulnerable and fell so deep into it.

[ShyViolet]

With all due respect, you have no right to be angry.  She is not obligated to keep trying.  She has every right to break up with you, if that is what she wants to do, for any reason.  You can be upset and disappointed, but you need to respect her decision and accept that it's over.  NO, flying all the way to see her one last time won't give you "closure."  There is no such thing as "closure" except for the closure that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious decision to accept the situation for what it is and move on with your life.  It would be crazy to book a flight and travel all the way there to see her when she has already broken up with you.  That would come off as creepy and controlling.  Leave her alone and respect her decision.

[flitzanu]

7 hours ago, LeojDon said:

I agree, but I don’t want her to respond in a months time saying okay I listened to them can we talk about them. I’d rather we do it not than a time where she’s probably waiting for herself to come to terms with it mentally so it doesn’t hurt her when/if we speak about it. There were things I said in them (they’re lengthy) which I would really like to hear an explanation from, which is why I would like to her from her side. 

this should tell you all you need to know, the fact that she hasn't even bothered to listen to your reply indicates you are not a priority in her life.  when something is important, you make time.

 

also i'm expecting to hear an excuse now about how busy she is, and how she doesn't have time to listen because of work, right? 

[LeojDon]

1 minute ago, flitzanu said:

this should tell you all you need to know, the fact that she hasn't even bothered to listen to your reply indicates you are not a priority in her life.  when something is important, you make time.

 

also i'm expecting to hear an excuse now about how busy she is, and how she doesn't have time to listen because of work, right? 

Yep she said just that, that she literally has only her weekends to get her s*** together and apparently doesn’t go on phone much during the week. It was because I said instead of us just going back and forwards with voice notes, just make a note of a few things I’ve said then just call me and respond, so idk maybe she feels she doesn’t have the time/energy to do that right now as it hurts her when we talk.

But as I’ve always said, if you’re busy, you prioritise and make time for it. She sent like 25mins of voice notes 2 weeks ago explaining her side more so she could find time for that but not when I have questions in response. 

[glows]

She's not interested in investing anymore... that's why. This sounds very painful. I don't think you should wait for her responses. When you're ready, close the door on this and walk away. Take time to heal on your own terms. 

She's just not interested in what you have to say or what you bring to the table. Instead of adding to her life, you're actually taking away from it (time, negative emotions etc). 

Dare I say it's the same for you at this stage?