Can we try again?

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 There is no excuse for an affair -no justification and I’m sure no one thinks otherwise ( other than the AP’s when they’re in the thick of it ) but it’s pretty mind blowing when you’re out the other side to reflect back on what led to the affair

Hmm. "Excuses", "reasons", "justifications". "Justification" is in the eye of the beholder and quite subjective.

Lots of people have affairs, despite the fact that they are unethical. Similar reasons ("excuses"?) seem to keep popping up:

- Weren't happy in the marriage, but didn't want to end it. So found a connection with someone else in an attempt to make themselves happier. (Sometimes they tried to work on the marriage first, sometimes not.)

- Were happy in the marriage, mostly at least, but wanted additional attention/romance/sex.

- Gradually "fell" for someone they knew and developed a strong emotional bond, and therefore strongly wanted the other person, but also didn't want to end the marriage, at least initially.

Some WS are probably not inclined to cheat until they start to feel very unhappy in their marriage (but also unhappy at the prospect of leaving) and unable to "fix" things. Others are no doubt sociopaths, narcissists, and the like and ultimately have little regard for the well-being of others, including those unfortunate enough to be married to them. As you are aware there is a wide range of personalities involved.

[Alfano]

12 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 i realise how weak and  pathetic he really is -not just by wanting to go back  to his wife 

Wanting to fix his marriage isn't weak and pathetic. Cheating on his wife is weak and pathetic.

 

[Snakesalive]

5 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Wanting to fix his marriage isn't weak and pathetic. Cheating on his wife is weak and pathetic.

 

Agree -cheating on his wife is weak and pathetic 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 4/24/2021 at 4:06 AM, elaine567 said:

I know it is a bit of a generalisation but women in affairs are often looking for a husband/bf replacement, whereas men are not looking for a wife/gf replacement. 
This is the fundamental disconnect and the source of so much OW unhappiness.

I think ultimately it gets to this.  Generalizing like you did, I would say most OW’s don’t initiate the A with the intention of replacement.   I think they start out to seek other things and then “fall” in love.   Both parties go into an A usually just to have fun and keep it simple.   OW’s sometimes fall hard. 
I just don’t think woman start out affairs for the sole reason of replacement 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 4/24/2021 at 10:33 PM, Luna66star said:

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is the reason doesn't leave.  MM have invested too much to walk away so they choose to have their cake and eat it too.

Wife would take half of their pension, net worth, house likely.  MM would be in apartment by himself, lonely, no one to pick up after him, do housework, laundry, buy groceries, make dinners, etc.

It's easier for them to stay put and look for entertainment on the side when he's bored or wife not having sex, too busy with other things.

The wife plays a huge role in their everyday lives and they like that security.

Please erase this man from your life.  He can offer you nothing but some breadcrumbs of attention. It is atonishing how many women (I used to be one) put their lives on hold for these jokers.

Take your power back and walk away ... for good please!

 

 

This is all nonsense. You are taking one scenario you know of and saying that’s the undisputed answer.  

[Beentheretoooften]

On 4/25/2021 at 4:34 AM, NYAG said:

I absolutely agree with this. The wife is always the safety net they go crawling back to. They will only split if she chooses to end it. The husbands rarely do.

You too??  Guys don’t want to leave.  They crawl back.   Lol.   Where is the insight from everyone?

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

This is all nonsense. You are taking one scenario you know of and saying that’s the undisputed answer.  

The undisputed answer is, they are exactly where they want to be. 

Whats nonsense is believing that a grown man is forced to stay in a marriage for any reason. 

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

The undisputed answer is, they are exactly where they want to be. 

Whats nonsense is believing that a grown man is forced to stay in a marriage for any reason. 

In my opinion it’s Not necessarily that people are forced to stay in a marriage but I think both men and women choose to stay or reconcile after an affair for all sorts of reasons . IMO it’s the motivation that’s important -staying or reconciling is disingenuous if for example because being married benefits parties financially or portrays the “right” image . 

[NYAG]

5 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I think ultimately it gets to this.  Generalizing like you did, I would say most OW’s don’t initiate the A with the intention of replacement.   I think they start out to seek other things and then “fall” in love.   Both parties go into an A usually just to have fun and keep it simple.   OW’s sometimes fall hard. 
I just don’t think woman start out affairs for the sole reason of replacement 

This for sure.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

In my opinion it’s Not necessarily that people are forced to stay in a marriage but I think both men and women choose to stay or reconcile after an affair for all sorts of reasons . IMO it’s the motivation that’s important -staying or reconciling is disingenuous if for example because being married benefits parties financially or portrays the “right” image . 

I believe that OW have this narrative in thier heads that all things equal MM would choose them.  Thus the idea that its for reasons other than loving his wife is why he stayed.  

I've said this a thousand times here, most MM have no need to demonize the wife, and usually don't detach from her,  in many cases the affair is simply extra. 

Affairs don't work if MM said,  "I love my wife, our sex life is great and I never intend on leaving" so you get "i can't stand her, the sex is horrible " and so on. OW fall for it, only to have fresh tire marks when she pushes or BW gets a sniff of it.

[Stupidkupid]

There's been some interesting discussion on here and I think affairs, like all relationships (romantic and not so) can be complex. And no two are identical, even is some things are similar.

As an OW who is now in a full time relationship with the MM (both of us long divorced) I can attest to the following, as I have on other threads:

- When I first started speaking to MM I was married and saw it as nothing more than an escape from my misery.

- It became physical and MM was the first to say he loved me, some time afterwards. I left my xH right after the A moved from EA to PA

- At this stage, I still did not think I loved MM and was quite convinced it was something to transition me from my woeful marriage to singledom.

- I fell in love.

- The A continued until I could take no more of it and I went NC, entered therapy and was NC for just under 2 years. I was healthy and dated other men, was happy. 

- MMs then wife contacted me out of the blue after MM had told her he had been living a lie for years, had had an affair and wanted a divorce (she told me this herself, after digging through his e-mail for my details!)

- Even though I have subsequently learnt that most of what MM told me about the marriage and his xW (from her!) lots of it was exaggerations. So never really the whole truth.

- Wife continued to contact me over a period of time from e-mail addresses she made after I blocked her. In the end I composed a legal document as a cease and desist for harassment and sent to both of them. 

- A while after divorce proceedings began,  and after a long period of therapy himself, MM re-entered my life. 

- We have been together since.

Now, I don't say this as a means to condone affairs (it felt awful for me and made a long period of my life nearly unbearable) or suggest that the above is a common outcome. We all know that, actually, it is probably the least common. I say the above to show that I was originally not looking for a partner, more an escape, and the MM was ... as it turned out... looking for similar but ended up ending the marriage.

All relationships are different. But there are themes in OW/ MM behaviours