My ex wife died and now I have custody of our child and current gf not happy.

[jprice984]

My ex wife of 20 yrs passed away back in dec of last yr. We had 4 kids together and the youngest is 12. As soon as this happened I was on way to hospital to be with my kids and support them anyway I could. Honestly this hurt me just as it did the kids. My current girlfriend of of a couple of yrs and which we have a child together got really pissed that I went off to be with my children during there mother's passing. Even to the extent of saying maybe we should break up because you obviously still loved her. I just blew it off and continued to be there with the kids through the whole thing. 

Fast forward a few days and I try and talk to her about what to do now. I said you know I have custody of my son now and I have to get him settled. She was like well hes not coming here to our house. Lost for words didnt know what to say. I'm thinking I'm damned if I do damned if I dont because I have a child with her. 

So meanwhile trying to figure all this out I have my son stay with grandma a couple weeks so I can figure stuff out. Where we gonna live how gonna do it and so on. 

Girlfriend calms down some starts showing me she cares a lil. Then out of blue she sends me a text say that she is still in love with her ex husband but knows that she cant ever be with him. So i find out she snapchats him love poems and other crap and I say if you want us to work you need to see therapist and seek help on trying to get past him. And that the first step is stop sending him texts... she gets mad about that and says they cant help me not care about someone. And she cant help sending him texts. We argue a bit and of course it's all my fault so I told her maybe it's best if I go live at my house with my son and we have space. She didnt want to talk about it so I just left anyway and went with my son. 

Couple days later we meet for dinner and she tells me I abandoned her and our child to be with my other son who has no one but dad now. I said well you dont want him there and I'm not pawning him off on someone else he is my child. She said well my daughter said she didnt want him around and I'm not making them uncomfortable with my son being there. So I just left. Feeling guilty and not knowing what to do in this relationship...

[kendahke]

You know what? Go live in your own house with your 12 yr old son,  pay this woman child support and get visitation, since that's the game she's trying to play. Never EVER allow anyone to come between you and your child. Those kids didn't ask to be in this situation. It's not your son's fault that his dear mother passed away--it's not any of your children's fault, it's not your ex wife's fault and it's not your fault that she passed away and this woman punishing you as if it's all of your fault is disgusting.

 It is beyond contemptible of her to order you to abandon your own flesh and blood when if she died, would she want her ex husband's girlfriend to turn their children out in the street? Also beyond contemptible is her texting messages to her ex as a vindictive way of punishing you and forcing you to turn your back on your children for her--and she's not worth that.

You have your own place... it's time to start living there full time with your children. I would never ever entertain the idea of cohabitating with her ever again. She can stay where she is and share custody of your child with you every other weekend. She should be used to that by now. 

And if she can't afford to keep the house she's living in without your income, go for full custody of your son with her.

Edited April 24, 2021 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

She sounds dreadful.  What kind of a cruel psycho would begrudge a father being with his children in the aftermath of the mother's death? 

The fact that she is still in love with her EX or is such a manipulative B**ch as to say that to you as revenge for you caring about your children tells you that you can't stay with her. 

Make appropriate arrangements to have shared custody of the child you had with her.  Educate your child about right & wrong.  Teach your child compassion & honesty.  The poor kid won't learn any of that from mommy.  

[glows]

Be with your child. He's already lost one parent. This situation with your current gf seems confusing because she is insecure. Why is she so insecure? Has she shown signs of jealousy, insecurity or hatred for you or your past life/previous marriage before? Did you leave your ex-wife to be with your girlfriend?

 

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by glows

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Be with your child. He's already lost one parent. 

OP has 5 kids.  4 with his late Ex-W & 1 with the GF.  The 1 still has a mom.  The 4 lost their mom but I think only one of them is underage.  

[glows]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

OP has 5 kids.  4 with his late Ex-W & 1 with the GF.  The 1 still has a mom.  The 4 lost their mom but I think only one of them is underage.  

That's what I understood as well. I was referring to him being with the 12 year old who is the one who just lost his mum.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, jprice984 said:

My current girlfriend of of a couple of yrs and which we have a child together got really pissed that I went off to be with my children during there mother's passing. Even to the extent of saying maybe we should break up because you obviously still loved her. 

I said you know I have custody of my son now and I have to get him settled. She was like well hes not coming here to our house.

OMG. What kind of a person says this? Did you know that she was so heartless before this happened? I can’t actually believe that anyone would say this, given the circumstance. 

3 hours ago, jprice984 said:

Then out of blue she sends me a text say that she is still in love with her ex husband but knows that she cant ever be with him.

I realize that it’s complicated, because you have a child with this woman... but seriously, your other child just lost his mother. Your children lost their mother. I was 37 years old when I lost my mother and it was like the world lost it’s axis. All your children need you now. If it comes to a decision between your girlfriend or your son, I would chose the son every. single. day. 

If these two things don’t make you rethink the future of your current relationship, I don’t know what will. Take care of your children... apparently your girlfriend will find comfort with her ex husband. 

Edited April 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

The problem here is the gf has no intention of being a step Mom.
I doubt this has just happened, I am sure she has distanced herself from the other family before this.
Truth is some people want nothing to do with other people's kids.
I think parents need to be very aware of this and choose new partners accordingly.
Too late now.
The OP needs to decide where he is more needed, with his son or with his new family, as I very much doubt a blended family will ever be an option.
The last thing any kid needs is a reluctant and unhappy step-parent or indeed a father who is torn in two.
Maybe leaving the 12 year old with his grandma may be the more secure and safe long term option for the child?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

OMG. What kind of a person says this? 

Agree. Who in their right mind gets jealous of a dying woman who's the mother of your children?

Seriously reconsider being with someone like this, particularly now that your and your children's lives have changed this much.

Reach out to friends and family for support. Be there for your kids.

Sorry this happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, jprice984 said:

s. My current girlfriend of of a couple of yrs and which we have a child together got really pissed that I went off to be with my children during there mother's passing. Even to the extent of saying maybe we should break up because you obviously still loved her. I just blew it off and continued to be there with the kids through the whole thing. 

Fast forward a few days and I try and talk to her about what to do now. I said you know I have custody of my son now and I have to get him settled. She was like well hes not coming here to our house.

Reprehensible. All of this. 

I would end this relationship. She is not a good person. 

Visit a lawyer to arrange details of custody/visitation of the child you share with her and do the best you can to make his life happy and comfortable. But put this horrid and hypocritical  woman behind you. 

[jprice984]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Be with your child. He's already lost one parent. This situation with your current gf seems confusing because she is insecure. Why is she so insecure? Has she shown signs of jealousy, insecurity or hatred for you or your past life/previous marriage before? Did you leave your ex-wife to be with your girlfriend?

 

 

We have had problems in the past with trust issues. She tried to give her ex husband oral sex while she was away at her daughter's softball tournament. He refused because his daughter was around. She claimed it wasn't cheating because she didnt go through with it. I found the text messages a few days later on her phone and left her for 6 months.. I know I shouldnt have went back to her but for sake of my lil one tried to work it out. 

[jprice984]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

OMG. What kind of a person says this? Did you know that she was so heartless before this happened? I can’t actually believe that anyone would say this, given the circumstance. 

I realize that it’s complicated, because you have a child with this woman... but seriously, your other child just lost his mother. Your children lost their mother. I was 37 years old when I lost my mother and it was like the world lost it’s axis. All your children need you now. If it comes to a decision between your girlfriend or your son, I would chose the son every. single. day. 

If these two things don’t make you rethink the future of your current relationship, I don’t know what will. Take care of your children... apparently your girlfriend will find comfort with her ex husband. 

Thing is, my father, the kids grandfather died six days before my ex wife. Only two days after we buried him. So it was like a double whammy to the kids. 

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, jprice984 said:

My ex wife of 20 yrs passed away back in dec of last yr. We had 4 kids together and the youngest is 12. As soon as this happened I was on way to hospital to be with my kids and support them anyway I could. Honestly this hurt me just as it did the kids. My current girlfriend of of a couple of yrs and which we have a child together got really pissed that I went off to be with my children during there mother's passing. Even to the extent of saying maybe we should break up because you obviously still loved her. I just blew it off and continued to be there with the kids through the whole thing. 

Fast forward a few days and I try and talk to her about what to do now. I said you know I have custody of my son now and I have to get him settled. She was like well hes not coming here to our house. Lost for words didnt know what to say. I'm thinking I'm damned if I do damned if I dont because I have a child with her. 

So meanwhile trying to figure all this out I have my son stay with grandma a couple weeks so I can figure stuff out. Where we gonna live how gonna do it and so on. 

Girlfriend calms down some starts showing me she cares a lil. Then out of blue she sends me a text say that she is still in love with her ex husband but knows that she cant ever be with him. So i find out she snapchats him love poems and other crap and I say if you want us to work you need to see therapist and seek help on trying to get past him. And that the first step is stop sending him texts... she gets mad about that and says they cant help me not care about someone. And she cant help sending him texts. We argue a bit and of course it's all my fault so I told her maybe it's best if I go live at my house with my son and we have space. She didnt want to talk about it so I just left anyway and went with my son. 

Couple days later we meet for dinner and she tells me I abandoned her and our child to be with my other son who has no one but dad now. I said well you dont want him there and I'm not pawning him off on someone else he is my child. She said well my daughter said she didnt want him around and I'm not making them uncomfortable with my son being there. So I just left. Feeling guilty and not knowing what to do in this relationship...

So where has everyone been living since December? Did everything you wrote about here happen in December/January or is this the current situation?

Does your gf have another child in addition to the one she has with you?

Do you have 2 houses, one that's your own and one with your gf? Or do you just stay with your gf (as opposed to co-owning that house) while maintaining your own home?  If possible, my vote is to live with your son in your house and get a formal custody agreement for visitation with the child you have with your gf.  I'm assuming that child is very young since you have only been with your gf for ~2 years. 

Your gf sounds unhinged, frankly.

[Lotsgoingon]

Follow the advice to separate from this psychopath.

And btw: quit being so passive. This is what happens when we just go along and put up with nonsense and don't object and make excuses for people. You end up with someone who is barely human--your gf.

 

 

[elaine567]

Am I surprised that a young woman who is the mother of a very young child would refuse to take on the responsibility of a 12 year old?
Not at all. 
She has her own child to think about, she may be already struggling and the thought of another child who is just about to enter his teenage years is something she may just not want to put up with. This is a huge commitment, this is not a trivial request.. not something anyone should just agree to.
Not every woman is capable of giving love to some other woman's child, no matter how desperate the situation may be.
Women tend to end up with all or most of the work of children, this is a very big ask of any woman.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, jprice984 said:

Thing is, my father, the kids grandfather died six days before my ex wife. Only two days after we buried him. So it was like a double whammy to the kids. 

All the more reason why you need to step up for your kids, and not dump your child on your mother/his grandmother. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced sudden p, traumatic, serial loss. It’s very difficult. Take care of yourself and your kids. 

1 hour ago, jprice984 said:

She tried to give her ex husband oral sex while she was away at her daughter's softball tournament. He refused because his daughter was around. She claimed it wasn't cheating because she didnt go through with it.

Again, tell me why you stay with this woman? You may have gone back then, this is your chance to right that decision. 

You can care for your child and coparent while you live separately. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Am I surprised that a young woman who is the mother of a very young child would refuse to take on the responsibility of a 12 year old?
Not at all. 

While I agree with you Elaine, given the circumstances here... only the most heartless of women would not have compassion for this child. Under normal circumstances, sure - she doesn’t want the child to live with you. When the child has lost his primary parent... it’s time to step up and do the right thing. She evidently can’t do that, which is why it’s time to reevaluate priorities. 

The one thing I would NOT do is bring the child into a home with a step mother who is resentful. That just adds pain on top of pain. 

I have a friend who’s mother passed at about this age. Her father didn’t abandon her, but he did abandon her in that he became involved with another woman and spent so much time away from home pursuing that relationship... he absolutely chose his new partner over his daughter. Years down the road... She has absolutely no relationship with her father. She hasn’t for years. 

[jprice984]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Am I surprised that a young woman who is the mother of a very young child would refuse to take on the responsibility of a 12 year old?
Not at all. 
She has her own child to think about, she may be already struggling and the thought of another child who is just about to enter his teenage years is something she may just not want to put up with. This is a huge commitment, this is not a trivial request.. not something anyone should just agree to.
Not every woman is capable of giving love to some other woman's child, no matter how desperate the situation may be.
Women tend to end up with all or most of the work of children, this is a very big ask of any woman.

Wasn't asking her to take care of him and raise him. She has a 16 and 13 yr old with her ex husband.  I help her with her children that are not mine. Was just trying to be a family together. 

[BaileyB]

You have posted about her behavior several times. You have been on again, off again, for years.

You wrote this back in 2019. 

Quote

We had rocky relationship with a few breakups. Mainly over kids because I felt she was trying to keep me away from mine. 

At what point is enough, enough?

Edited April 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

Wasn't asking her to take care of him and raise him. She has a 16 and 13 yr old with her ex husband.  I help her with her children that are not mine. Was just trying to be a family together. 

I realise you are trying to do the best for your child but if she is refusing to do it, then you can't force the issue as living with an, at best indifferent step parent or at worst a hostile step parent is not going to do your kid any favours.
You knew what you were taking on, your gf has had this suddenly forced upon her.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, jprice984 said:

Thing is, my father, the kids grandfather died six days before my ex wife. Only two days after we buried him. So it was like a double whammy to the kids. 

OMG.  I am so very sorry for your losses. 

Your GF is really a bad person. Her desire to perform oral sex on her EX -- let's call it attempted cheating -- is still a felony against your relationship.  The penalty must be a break up.  

For the sake of your little one, separate from her.  You need to show all your kids compassion & boundaries.  Staying with the nutty unbalanced GF teaches all the kids to be doormats & to let evil win.  They need a better role model in you.  Be their rock.  

[FMW]

Her reaction to what most would empathize with as a heartbreaking and difficult situation, is heartless and cold.  It doesn't matter if being an active step-mother to a 12 year old isn't something she would choose to do - no one with human emotion would behave in that way.  She could have had a thoughtful and caring conversation with you - after the immediate needs of a child who just lost his mother are met - about long term plans.  I just can't even imagine a woman acting the way you described.  

Her emotional involvement with her ex is just completely unacceptable for someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship, and her choosing to tell you she still wants him is inexplicably mean and cold.  The earlier incident was a clear sign she can't be trusted.  

Your life has been turned upside down, and her reaction is to say horrible things and show a complete lack of care for not only you, but your vulnerable child who has lost his other parent.  I don't have the words to describe how awful that is.

Do what you have to do to maintain access and custody rights to your child with this heartless woman, but minimize your contact with her mother.  Hopefully your daughter will be open to your influence and not adopt her mother's cold and selfish ways.  She has half siblings who could enrich her life if given a chance.

Good luck, and stay strong for all of your children.  

[jprice984]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

So where has everyone been living since December? Did everything you wrote about here happen in December/January or is this the current situation?

Does your gf have another child in addition to the one she has with you?

Do you have 2 houses, one that's your own and one with your gf? Or do you just stay with your gf (as opposed to co-owning that house) while maintaining your own home?  If possible, my vote is to live with your son in your house and get a formal custody agreement for visitation with the child you have with your gf.  I'm assuming that child is very young since you have only been with your gf for ~2 years. 

Your gf sounds unhinged, frankly.

Gf has her house and I have a house. I was staying with her and helping her with her Bill's and paying the Bill's at my house. She has two other kids one 16 and one 13. 

She would never ask how my kids are doing ever since there mom passed. Only thing she would ask is how much money I was giving the kids since this all happened.  Dont matter how much I spend on her and her kids but she gets a bit pissy when it comes to me spending money on mine. I know red ass flag. I should have learned..

[introverted1]

32 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

Gf has her house and I have a house. I was staying with her and helping her with her Bill's and paying the Bill's at my house. She has two other kids one 16 and one 13. 

She would never ask how my kids are doing ever since there mom passed. Only thing she would ask is how much money I was giving the kids since this all happened.  Dont matter how much I spend on her and her kids but she gets a bit pissy when it comes to me spending money on mine. I know red ass flag. I should have learned..

Geez.

Move into your house with your son.  Pay child support to your gf (after speaking to a lawyer and getting a formal custody agreement in place). Quit giving her money other than CS.

 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

she gets a bit pissy when it comes to me spending money on mine.

Who cares what she thinks? This should be a wake-up call not to jettison your kids for some psycho.