My ex wife died and now I have custody of our child and current gf not happy.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

Dont matter how much I spend on her and her kids but she gets a bit pissy when it comes to me spending money on mine.

You’ve mentioned this before. 

Why do you accept this? She essentially cheats with her ex husband and you say - because you stay - “I don’t like it, but ok.” You pay her bills, you give money to her children and when she complains about you caring for your own children or spending money on your own children, you say - because you stay - “I don’t like it, but ok.”

Enough already. If you own your own home, it’s a no brainer. Your son needs his parent right now - and you are the only parent now. It’s time to end your relationship and seek visitation/pay child support for your child. She isn’t going to like it, she is going to guilt you, she may even try to deny visitation...but, it is the only decision you can make for the children who have lost their mother. They need a parent. 

Edited April 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[jprice984]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You’ve mentioned this before. 

Why do you accept this? She essentially cheats with her ex husband and you say - because you stay - “I don’t like it, but ok.” You pay her bills, you give money to her children and when she complains about you caring for your own children or spending money on your own children, you say - because you stay - “I don’t like it, but ok.”

Enough already. If you own your own home, it’s a no brainer. Your son needs his parent right now - and you are the only parent now. It’s time to end your relationship and seek visitation/pay child support for your child. She isn’t going to like it, she is going to guilt you, she may even try to deny visitation...but, it is the only decision you can make for the children who have lost their mother. They need a parent. 

I am at my house with my son. I know where I need to be and I am walking away from that somehow. I wasn't wanting a reason to stay. Just trying to make since of this whole mess I guess some how. 

Thing is I felt I wasn't even allowed to grieve with her about the loses. Something I dont understand either I guess. I miss my ex wife everyday. We were together for a long time and our break wasn't a bad one. We had four kids together. Knowing she wont be there for birthday, graduation, sports, or to talk to about the kids tares me up daily. And then I have all this to deal with..

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

Thing is I felt I wasn't even allowed to grieve with her about the loses.

Of course, you’ve lost your wife and your father(in-law). Of course, you will need to grieve this loss. And, the hardest thing I found when I was grieving was watching others suffer... your children are grieving, and that will be hard for you. 

So, it becomes about self care. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. It’s sad that she is not able to support you at this time, but she clearly is not prepared to do that. It would seem, the warning have been there for a while but you can no longer ignore them, at a time like this. 

And, that’s the thing with times like these... you see exactly who is willing to get into that boat and help you row and who is not. This is not the time to worry about those who are not willing to get in the boat with you. Use this moment of clarity to guide your way forward. 

Take care.

[jprice984]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Of course, you’ve lost your wife and your father(in-law). Of course, you will need to grieve this loss. And, the hardest thing I found when I was grieving was watching others suffer... your children are grieving, and that will be hard for you. 

So, it becomes about self care. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. It’s sad that she is not able to support you at this time, but she clearly is not prepared to do that. It would seem, the warning have been there for a while but you can no longer ignore them, at a time like this. 

And, that’s the thing with times like these... you see exactly who is willing to get into that boat and help you row and who is not. This is not the time to worry about those who are not willing to get in the boat with you. Use this moment of clarity to guide your way forward. 

Take care.

Thank you. 

Was my father...its just me n the kiddos now

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, jprice984 said:

Thank you. 

Was my father...its just me n the kiddos now

Ah, I’m so sorry.

That’s what I first thought but then I second guessed myself because you said “grandfather” not father above. 

I’m so very sorry. You lost a parent and someone very dear to you, for many reasons. Two, unthinkable losses. 

You know, this will help you to understand how your children feel. I remember, the day after I lost my mother I thought to myself, “I don’t know how to be in this world without my mother.” I wasn’t sure of anything - I wasn’t sure of who I was without her, and I wasn’t sure if I could stand on my own. It shakes everyone, and your children are so young... this may be their first experience with loss, they likely haven’t developed the coping/life skills to know how to deal with it. My heart hurts for them, and for you. 

I would encourage you to find some support for yourself if you need - not your girlfriend, perhaps a counsellor or a dear friend. But most importantly, take care of each other. 

[jprice984]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ah, I’m so sorry.

That’s what I first thought but then I second guessed myself because you said “grandfather” not father above. 

I’m so very sorry. You lost a parent and someone very dear to you, for many reasons. Two, unthinkable losses. 

You know, this will help you to understand how your children feel. I remember, the day after I lost my mother I thought to myself, “I don’t know how to be in this world without my mother.” I wasn’t sure of anything - I wasn’t sure of who I was without her, and I wasn’t sure if I could stand on my own. It shakes everyone, and your children are so young... this may be their first experience with loss, they likely haven’t developed the coping/life skills to know how to deal with it. My heart hurts for them, and for you. 

I would encourage you to find some support for yourself if you need - not your girlfriend, perhaps a counsellor or a dear friend. But most importantly, take care of each other. 

Thank you again. Yeah I've been thinking about a counselor and definitely not the gf. To selfish and coldhearted to understand any of this. I should have learned before it's about money and her and not me. It will be awhile before another that's for sure.

[mark clemson]

It "wasn't what she signed up for". AND there are (were) other pretty significant problems. AND kids have to come first. AND responsibilities do not simply disappear because they happen to be inconvenient.

Do the math...

Edited April 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[Uruktopi]

I can relate to what you are going through. I had two strong experiences, different than yours but emotionally similar.

Stand for your kids, for all of them, always.

And, when the time comes, wisely choose another woman that deserves to be the one in your life.

My best hopes for you.

 

 

[spiderowl]

I am very sorry to hear what has happened.  I feel for you and your family and the child who is currently with your girlfriend.

Has your girlfriend ever shown any signs of compassion towards others?  She seems concerned about herself, about money, about whether she can be with her ex or not, but I have not heard anything that suggests she knows what caring is?

Your son needs you and I think you are doing the right thing by being with him and away from your callous girlfriend.  If she is as callous as she appears, I fear you may need to seek custody of the child you have with her as she does not seem capable of loving anyone but herself.

[Highndry]

Wow, that is one nasty broad! I would have dumped her IMMEDIATELY. Yuck.

[basil67]

@jprice984  Is this the same girlfriend who you broke up with because she was cheating on you?  

 

[Justanaverageguy]

On 4/24/2021 at 10:49 AM, jprice984 said:

My ex wife of 20 yrs passed away back in dec of last yr. We had 4 kids together and the youngest is 12. As soon as this happened I was on way to hospital to be with my kids and support them anyway I could. Honestly this hurt me just as it did the kids. My current girlfriend of of a couple of yrs and which we have a child together got really pissed that I went off to be with my children during there mother's passing. Even to the extent of saying maybe we should break up because you obviously still loved her. I just blew it off and continued to be there with the kids through the whole thing. 

Fast forward a few days and I try and talk to her about what to do now. I said you know I have custody of my son now and I have to get him settled. She was like well hes not coming here to our house. Lost for words didnt know what to say. I'm thinking I'm damned if I do damned if I dont because I have a child with her. 

So meanwhile trying to figure all this out I have my son stay with grandma a couple weeks so I can figure stuff out. Where we gonna live how gonna do it and so on. 

Girlfriend calms down some starts showing me she cares a lil. Then out of blue she sends me a text say that she is still in love with her ex husband but knows that she cant ever be with him. So i find out she snapchats him love poems and other crap and I say if you want us to work you need to see therapist and seek help on trying to get past him. And that the first step is stop sending him texts... she gets mad about that and says they cant help me not care about someone. And she cant help sending him texts. We argue a bit and of course it's all my fault so I told her maybe it's best if I go live at my house with my son and we have space. She didnt want to talk about it so I just left anyway and went with my son. 

Couple days later we meet for dinner and she tells me I abandoned her and our child to be with my other son who has no one but dad now. I said well you dont want him there and I'm not pawning him off on someone else he is my child. She said well my daughter said she didnt want him around and I'm not making them uncomfortable with my son being there. So I just left. Feeling guilty and not knowing what to do in this relationship...

This woman sounds like a class a Narcissist. Everything is about her. Even when your ex wife the mother of your children dies - there is zero understanding or compassion - it's about her. I wouldnt be surprised if what she told you about poems and messages to her ex husband is a complete lie. Sounds like you going to spend time with your children after her passing triggered your GF into believing you still had feelings for your ex wife. (Why I have no idea). Her response almost sounded like a petty "get even". 

I guess as you said you have a child with this woman though that makes things doubly complicated...... No easy exit strategy. But honestly I would be looking to separate from this woman ASAP and keep things strictly about the child you have. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[elaine567]

 It is not really uncommon for  the second "wife" or "partner" to actually hate the first wife with a vengeance, as her very existence offends..
A 20 year history  is difficult to top and it can be the source of a lot of resentment.
Many women want to be mistress of their own house, to be #1, to build their own dynasty, and it is difficult to be and do that when there is an ex and her kids hanging around.
Being free from the ex and her entourage is the aim.

The ex dying here was no doubt a relief to the gf, but the thought of the ex's son spoiling everything was just too much.
Some women can deal with being in "complicated" relationships, they will tolerate exes and their kids, but others want to erase any trace of the former family completely from their lives.
I guess this woman falls into the latter category.

[Highndry]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 It is not really uncommon for  the second "wife" or "partner" to actually hate the first wife with a vengeance, as her very existence offends..

At least for people with personality disorders. My BPD ex was nasty like that!

[Dis]

22 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 It is not really uncommon for  the second "wife" or "partner" to actually hate the first wife with a vengeance, as her very existence offends..
A 20 year history  is difficult to top and it can be the source of a lot of resentment.
Many women want to be mistress of their own house, to be #1, to build their own dynasty, and it is difficult to be and do that when there is an ex and her kids hanging around.
Being free from the ex and her entourage is the aim.

The ex dying here was no doubt a relief to the gf, but the thought of the ex's son spoiling everything was just too much.
Some women can deal with being in "complicated" relationships, they will tolerate exes and their kids, but others want to erase any trace of the former family completely from their lives.
I guess this woman falls into the latter category.

 

39 minutes ago, Highndry said:

At least for people with personality disorders. My BPD ex was nasty like that!

It's actually really difficult to deal with a partner's ex and kids for a lot of women, myself included. You don't need to have a personality disorder to have a tough time with it. A lot of women including me want to start from scratch without the baggage that a single dad brings. It's a hell of a lot easier and much more pleasant to forgo someone else's kid and someone else's ex. For me, it was hell dealing with my ex's kid and his ex too. It was messy, resentment building and in the end it was the most unenjoyable relationship I've ever had with a man because of it. Might not want to judge how hard it is until you've walked in the same shoes. 

 

I have no idea though why OP's partner would have a kid with a single dad if she wasn't okay with his son and him of course having an ex. She's developed a deep seated level of resentment to the point where she can't even allow OP to grieve and be a parent to his kids during such an awful time. Resentment does funny things to people. Sad for OP. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Dis

[elaine567]

48 minutes ago, Dis said:

I have no idea though why OP's partner would have a kid with a single dad if she wasn't okay with his son and him of course having an ex

The unknown quantity here is the ex.
Not every ex is exactly tolerant of their "replacement" either.
The OP's gf may have entered the relationship with an open mind to be ground down by the behaviour of the ex.
Also how the man handles the situation can make a huge difference to how it all pans out.

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Dis said:

It's actually really difficult to deal with a partner's ex and kids for a lot of women, myself included. You don't need to have a personality disorder to have a tough time with it. A lot of women including me want to start from scratch without the baggage that a single dad brings. It's a hell of a lot easier and much more pleasant to forgo someone else's kid and someone else's ex. For me, it was hell dealing with my ex's kid and his ex too. It was messy, resentment building and in the end it was the most unenjoyable relationship I've ever had with a man because of it. Might not want to judge how hard it is until you've walked in the same shoes. 

Then don't date single parents.  IMO an adult who expects their new SO to completely abandon their children is cold hearted indeed.  

FWIW, I dated a man with a son & a psycho EX.  I said the same thing every time he complained about her:  be wonderful to your son & fair to the EX.  Don't sink to her level. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Dis said:

It's actually really difficult to deal with a partner's ex and kids for a lot of women, myself included. You don't need to have a personality disorder to have a tough time with it. A lot of women including me want to start from scratch without the baggage that a single dad brings.

Indeed. If one feels this way, they should not date a man who has had a previous relationship/children. 

 

7 hours ago, Dis said:

I have no idea though why OP's partner would have a kid with a single dad if she wasn't okay with his son and him of course having an ex.

I have to wonder if this was her way to “one-up” the ex. It’s not uncommon for the children from the first marriage to feel like their father has a “new family” and that the attention goes toward the child born to the second/current wife. If this woman is feeling threatened by the first wife/children as described, if she is really this self-important, it is very possible that she had the child to cement her position in his life. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

FWIW, I dated a man with a son & a psycho EX.  I said the same thing every time he complained about her:  be wonderful to your son & fair to the EX.  Don't sink to her level. 

Exactly what happens in my home too. 

[Dis]

16 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Then don't date single parents.  IMO an adult who expects their new SO to completely abandon their children is cold hearted indeed.  

More like don't have kids/marry single parents if it's an issue 

 

I personally had no idea how hard it would be and how much I would dislike it but once I figured it out, I left

 

Op's wife/fiance/gf never should've tied them together with a kid knowing what a problem it was for her 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Dis

[kendahke]

On 4/24/2021 at 9:43 AM, jprice984 said:

Wasn't asking her to take care of him and raise him. She has a 16 and 13 yr old with her ex husband.  I help her with her children that are not mine. Was just trying to be a family together. 

She ain't that one, JP.

Choose a better woman to do that with.

 

[kendahke]

On 4/24/2021 at 1:59 PM, jprice984 said:

I was staying with her and helping her with her Bill's

Stop paying her bills. She's a grown woman.

Go see a lawyer who specialized in men's rights/custody and get all of this worked out in a legal document for what you need to pay in child support and get your visitation worked out. She's going to use your child with her as a pawn to force to you abandon your other children and you need to have a legal choke collar put on that B*^I% before she messes up the child you have with her.

You've BEEN knowing for a long, long time that she wasn't $#!+... no woman's sex is so good that you tolerate all of that mess you've tolerated.

Edited April 30, 2021 by kendahke