GF is recording our fights, manipulating behaviours

[hc2015]

My partner and I have been together now for 18 months. I've had a few relationships in life so far and this has been by far the most challenging and unfair to be honest.

When things are good, they are good. When I disagree with something with her, she tends to get her back up, storm around, make a lot of passive aggressive comments.

The other night I was discussing some landscaping plans for a house I am building and because I didn't "agree" with her, all hell broke loose and we had been fighting for several days.
Early in the relationship I'd bite my tongue but now I stand up for myself and call out the unfairness. I calmly stated that it I simply disagreed with her and I was labelled so many things unfairly by her.

Anyway, we've had a lot of arguments and she has threatened and lied about recording our arguing on the phone in the past. I warned her a while ago I do not appreciate being recorded without consent and it is plain illegal to do so. The other night I came over to try and work things out and she recorded an argument of ours and this time she did do it. 

I was very hurt by this and she repeatedly told me that it was for her to listen to it and get the facts of the arguments as she believes I "twist" things. The recording is a snippet of the argument and she made sure not to say anything so it was just me doing all the talking in a raised voice in response to what she had been saying to me - which automatically paints me in a bad light. 

I've told her I will not ever tolerate her recording our fights/arguments in a private setting and she has continued to say she will if she feels "threatened" to. 

Few days on, she wants to simply move on from everything together and says I am the one being stuck in the past and holding back our relationship because I am still well and truly angry about the recordings and the manipulation.

I work in law enforcement and something like a recording which is skewed or used against me with a few key words she can say or make up can really affect my job even though I have done nothing wrong.

Has anyone ever experienced this? 

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by hc2015
edit

[d0nnivain]

No I have not experienced it.   Why would you tolerate this?  Break up with this crazy nut.  Who the heck is she to tell you how to landscape your home?  

[glows]

She may be right about you appearing threatening. There is no way for any of us to know. You may look or sound intimidating without intending it either. I think your best bet is to end the relationship. It's been 18 months and if you feel like it's become so heated or difficult to converse or have any disagreements without things blowing up like this, there's something certainly very wrong in the way the both of you communicate. 

When it gets to this point, arguments become quite stupid and are often not about the thing itself. It's some other latent resentment built up over time. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no way I would continue a relationship this toxic. 

[Taramere]

I

8 hours ago, hc2015 said:

I work in law enforcement and something like a recording which is skewed or used against me with a few key words she can say or make up can really affect my job even though I have done nothing wrong.

Has anyone ever experienced this? 

 

Yes, but not in a personal relationship.  The only time I've experienced behaviour like this came in my professional life on the rare occasions I've had to deal with people whose behaviour smacks of them being vexatiously litigious.  I'm wary of attributing behaviour like that to any mental health disorder, but on the other hand it does smack of somebody who has a disorder that they're either refusing to recognise or taking no responsibility for managing.  I think you're absolutely on point when you worry about a relationship like this potentially jeopardising...if not your job, certainly opportunities for promotion and even how you're viewed by colleagues if she starts dragging your employer into this.  People who do stuff like this can be pretty lacking in boundaries as regards who they drag into their personal disputes...and can be even be shockingly self righteous about dragging anybody they regard as an "opponent" through the mill in a vitriolic manner.  I'm sure that in your line of work you have professional experience of such characters.  If she feels so threatened by you that she feels the need to record your arguments, why is she continuing to have a relationship with you?

I absolutely think you should finish the relationship, regardless of how nice she might be when things are going well.  But in this particular situation I wouldn't do it in person.  I'd do it by email so that you have a record and there can be absolutely no doubt as to what has been said.   I would just cease contact altogether.  For a partner to be acting in a way consistent with them gathering evidence against you should be an absolute and immediate dealbreaker.  I hope you're not living together?

Edited April 24, 2021 by Taramere

[elaine567]

End this now, before she threatens your job and your entire way of life.
As a law enforcement officer you ae vulnerable.
There is nothing normal about the way she is behaving.
This is emotional abuse.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, hc2015 said:

The other night I was discussing some landscaping plans for a house I am building and because I didn't "agree" with her, all hell broke loose and we had been fighting for several days.

Sorry this is happening. This seems like a lot of courtroom style drama for dating 18 mos., No?

Step away from this. It's simply escalating chronically.

As far as recording arguments, if it's in her house she can do whatever she wants.

But that's besides the point. 18 months is usually a happy carefree time and this has gotten so bad she's collecting evidence?

Of course this has nothing to do with your landscape projects. This is simply a volatile situation.

It's seems like you are quite incompatible. Reflect and consider ending it.

Edited April 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Stromae]

Even if you set aside the recording aspect, and how it may affect your job, aside for a moment - 

I was in a similar situation where I felt like when times were good they were great, but when times weren’t good I was being manipulated and gaslit. 

Ultimately this relationship isn’t working and you should walk away and end things for good. You deserve better than to be walking on eggshells at all times because anything you personally feel is going to be held against you. You may cling on to the good times, but believe me when I say that its not worth the cost you pay for the not so good times.

Now compound that with the recordings and how it may compromise you or your job and you have your answer I am sorry to say

[spiderowl]

No, I have not experienced this - to my knowledge - and would not tolerate it.  By not tolerating it, I mean in your position I would leave my girlfriend.  Is there any reason why you cannot leave her?  Are you sharing a home or anything?  She sounds beyond the pale.

Obviously, we are only hearing one side of the story here, but it is clear that if you don't like her behaviour, you need to get out of this relationship.  You do not owe her anything.  It sounds like you have both been arguing a lot so this is not a happy relationship.  If you choose to continue in a relationship like this, you can hardly complain about her behaviour.  You are allowed to dump her.

In your position, I would make arrangements to leave as quickly as possible and avoid saying or doing anything that might come across as aggressive or threatening.  You want to leave with a clean slate.  I doubt she could charge you with anything if all you have done is argue and you have not been threatening.

Edited April 26, 2021 by spiderowl

[Atwood]

As soon as you feel like you need to record conversations or disagreements in a relationship it's already toxic.