1yr gf has tinder app?

[Jarlstown]

I discovered t that my girlfriend of over a year has tinder on her phone. Saw it bc she left her phone on the the bed as we were going to sleep and the light was so bright I swiped at it to try to find the lock button, looked closer and happened to see the tinder app. I said something like oh you have tinder huh? And then made a joke about if she’s finding a lot of matches on there. After a minute or so she hugged me and said she had a match. Then acted slightly more affectionate than usual and then we went to bed. 
 

im just wondering why she would have tinder. Yes I trust her, no we have not had any issues about jealousy or cheating type of anything. 
 

should I be worried?  Is it dumb of me to think twice about it?  

[d0nnivain]

Any chance she just never deleted it?  

[Jarlstown]

39 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Any chance she just never deleted it?  

I don’t think so... she was dating someone basically right before me (he moved out of the country) and she has had me take her phone before to pull up apps and stuff when she was driving or something like that and I never saw it before. 

[glows]

She's the only one who's going to be able to provide you with any answers (if she chooses to do so or honestly). Unfortunately you're going to have to go with your gut on this one. Yes, I would think twice or even thrice about it. Do you live together?

[Jarlstown]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

She's the only one who's going to be able to provide you with any answers (if she chooses to do so or honestly). Unfortunately you're going to have to go with your gut on this one. Yes, I would think twice or even thrice about it. Do you live together?

We don’t live together right now but were going to be moving in together soon.

[prince0fgame]

Every woman is either in a relationship, in the process of getting out of a relationship, trying to upgrade from her relationship, or juggling multiple relationships. Women's number 1 hobby (if it isn't raising a family) is romance. 

Don't take it personally. Otherwise you would be a celibate monk. 

You said it yourself. When you met her, she was in the process of getting out of a relationship. 

Some of my best relationships (in terms of connection and chemistry) have been with women either already taken or in the process of leaving their relationships.

I would be more weary of a woman with zero romantic prospects.

I know us guys like to live in a disney fairy tail world. But in reality, the average attractive woman has many options. 

This is why a man's purpose can never truly be his relationship. He should have a purpose beyond romance. 

And it is this purpose - this emotional distance, that draws the woman more towards you. The woman is about her relationship. The man is about his purpose. This is the masculine - feminine polarity.

To worry too much about your relationship to the point of insecurity would make you less than masculine. And she will lose respect for you.

The woman stares at the man. The man stares into the abyss. That's how nature drew it up on the chalkboard. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jarlstown said:

im just wondering why she would have tinder. Yes I trust her, no we have not had any issues about jealousy or cheating type of anything. 

Ask her. 

You're her boyfriend, man. Don't be afraid to ask what's up with that. It would raise an eyebrow for most people and the fact that she didn't offer an explanation (ie. maybe that it pre-dated you and she'd forgotten to delete it) after you mentioned it is odd to me. 

It's certainly not dumb of you to wonder why your girlfriend of a year has a hook-up app on her phone. 

[glows]

30 minutes ago, Jarlstown said:

We don’t live together right now but were going to be moving in together soon.

Relationships are built on a foundation of respect and trust. If your girlfriend is breaking that trust is best that you both have a heart to heart and talk about it. 

There is nothing worse than starting your life out together based on lies or insecurities, or worse, gender stereotypes.

Work on that mutual respect for each other. Relationships take work and remaining open with each other. 

[d0nnivain]

56 minutes ago, Jarlstown said:

We don’t live together right now but were going to be moving in together soon.

Do not move in with her. If she has only recently downloaded this app, even if she hasn't used it yet, she is not where near ready for that level of commitment. If anything she's running for daylight. 

[elaine567]

Sounds like you are the rebound.
It all feels so right, so good to you, as she has slotted you directly into the space her ex used to occupy.
Now she is looking around for someone else as she has probably realised you are not her ex, she doesn't need you any longer, and she is now looking for "better".

[Datergirl]

If you're 100% sure she didn't have it before then surely you already know what to do? 

If you're not 100% sure then talk to her about it and see if you believe what she says. I would put moving in together on hold

Edited April 24, 2021 by Datergirl

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

I discovered t that my girlfriend of over a year has tinder on her phone. Saw it bc she left her phone on the the bed as we were going to sleep and the light was so bright I swiped at it to try to find the lock button, looked closer and happened to see the tinder app. I said something like oh you have tinder huh? And then made a joke about if she’s finding a lot of matches on there. After a minute or so she hugged me and said she had a match. Then acted slightly more affectionate than usual and then we went to bed. 
 

im just wondering why she would have tinder. Yes I trust her, no we have not had any issues about jealousy or cheating type of anything. 
 

should I be worried?  Is it dumb of me to think twice about it?  

Are you exclusive?  Did you meet on Tinder?

Did you both agree to delete the app? (Although that's pointless as it can be reactivated/reinstalled in a nanosecond).

Consider the overall relationship. Does not deleting the app imply anything? 

 

[Maldives]

7 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

I don’t think so... she was dating someone basically right before me (he moved out of the country) and she has had me take her phone before to pull up apps and stuff when she was driving or something like that and I never saw it before. 

There's your answer 

 

It appears then she's installed it after the fact. Not good bro I would not be happy. Me I'd probably break it off If I saw that 

[SaraSays]

7 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

Every woman is either in a relationship, in the process of getting out of a relationship, trying to upgrade from her relationship, or juggling multiple relationships. Women's number 1 hobby (if it isn't raising a family) is romance.

I don't know any woman who thinks this way, since we're living full lives, inclusive of many things, and our relationships are 1 aspect of full lives. 3,904,768,053 of us exist - strange to imagine anyone making a claim on behalf of all of us we can easily disprove, even amongst the small groups of women we know (less than 1% of the population of us).

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Ask her to open the app right in front of you and show you her most recent activity on it.

Edited April 24, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Gaeta]

Don't be naive. As per my personal experience it's useless to confront someone about a dating app on their phone. Do you really expect they will tell you the truth? It is a make-it or break-it moment. You create a profile with a fake picture and see when is the last time she was active. I don't know Tinder but I guess like any other dating app  you can check when the person was last active. 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

should I be worried? 

20 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Any chance she just never deleted it?  

19 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

I don’t think so... I never saw it before. 

Yeah - big red flag. Do the math here and don't kid yourself.

Sorry...

[Marc878]

Tinder on her phone after a year together?
 

 

[Jarlstown]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Don't be naive. As per my personal experience it's useless to confront someone about a dating app on their phone. Do you really expect they will tell you the truth? It is a make-it or break-it moment. You create a profile with a fake picture and see when is the last time she was active. I don't know Tinder but I guess like any other dating app  you can check when the person was last active. 

So I decided to try this last night.  I created a fake profile, swiped, but didn't find her. Then I read about some site that lets you search people by name on Tinder, and I thought I'd try it out -- I searched my girlfriend's name and the city we live in.  It returned one profile, but the name was actually the name of her dog (which is an uncommon girls' name), and there was no photo, however the age was correct.  Seemed pretty strange.  The site said they updated the profile last November 20th and I could pay to have them pull an update on the profile now to get any new photos/info, but it was too expensive.  

So that is weird.  I searched her name, found a different Tinder profile that is my girlfriend's female dog's name.

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you exclusive?  Did you meet on Tinder?

Did you both agree to delete the app? (Although that's pointless as it can be reactivated/reinstalled in a nanosecond).

Consider the overall relationship. Does not deleting the app imply anything? 

 

We met in person in grad school and have been exclusive the whole time, and as far as I had heard or the way she mentioned things like Tinder, I was under the assumption she had never used it before.

Since we graduate in less than a month, we had been planning on getting an apartment together in Atlanta since we both got jobs there, and she has been fairly high stress about the whole signing the lease process trying to get it done asap.

 

Not sure what to think.  It really doesn't feel like she would be doing something, but is very strange -- Especially when someone is always sitting at the end of the couch on their phone and you always just believe them when they say they are looking at Instagram or writing emails..  Now that I'm writing all of this I am also starting to wonder about all the extended family visits she has had to go out to dinner for (none of whom I've ever seen or met, and at the same time she regularly uses extended family visiting as an excuse to other friends/acquaintances when she wants to get out of something).

Edited April 25, 2021 by Jarlstown
typo

[ExpatInItaly]

This just doesn't smell quite right to me, OP. 

I think if the Tinder app was a relic of her pre-you days, she'd have said so immediately and taken more action to reassure you. Instead all you got was this:

On 4/24/2021 at 6:14 AM, Jarlstown said:

I said something like oh you have tinder huh? And then made a joke about if she’s finding a lot of matches on there. After a minute or so she hugged me and said she had a match.

 

[Blind-Sided]

Together for a year... you 100% have the right to ask. As above, a relationship is built on trust.  A dating app does not help with trust.   The real issue is... even if she deletes it, and says she loves you... is... she has the mentality that it's ok to have a wandering eye.  That's the core of a person who cheats. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

It returned one profile, but the name was actually the name of her dog (which is an uncommon girls' name), and there was no photo, however the age was correct.  Seemed pretty strange.  The site said they updated the profile last November 20th and I could pay to have them pull an update on the profile now to get any new photos/info, but it was too expensive.  

So you know 5 months ago she was on Tinder. Using her dog's name is a way to stay anonymous and she probably only put a picture up when she's online. If her last activity was in November then I imagine she took her picture down last November and has not gone back since. 

Was your relationship on rocky ground last November?

[Marc878]

6 hours ago, Jarlstown said:

So I decided to try this last night.  I created a fake profile, swiped, but didn't find her. Then I read about some site that lets you search people by name on Tinder, and I thought I'd try it out -- I searched my girlfriend's name and the city we live in.  It returned one profile, but the name was actually the name of her dog (which is an uncommon girls' name), and there was no photo, however the age was correct.  Seemed pretty strange.  The site said they updated the profile last November 20th and I could pay to have them pull an update on the profile now to get any new photos/info, but it was too expensive.  
 

Red flag

So that is weird.  I searched her name, found a different Tinder profile that is my girlfriend's female dog's name.

Red flag

We met in person in grad school and have been exclusive the whole time, and as far as I had heard or the way she mentioned things like Tinder, I was under the assumption she had never used it before.

Since we graduate in less than a month, we had been planning on getting an apartment together in Atlanta since we both got jobs there, and she has been fairly high stress about the whole signing the lease process trying to get it done asap.

Getting into these things is a lot easier than getting out of them.

Not sure what to think.  It really doesn't feel like she would be doing something, but is very strange -- Especially when someone is always sitting at the end of the couch on their phone and you always just believe them when they say they are looking at Instagram or writing emails..  Now that I'm writing all of this I am also starting to wonder about all the extended family visits she has had to go out to dinner for (none of whom I've ever seen or met, and at the same time she regularly uses extended family visiting as an excuse to other friends/acquaintances when she wants to get out of something).

A lot will try and ignore the signs so they don’t have to make a decision. All that does is prolong the inevitable. Trust is a big deal. 
 

She’s just a gf which is a tryout. What’s your brain or common sense telling you?
 

Gut instincts are usually correct. 

[Jarlstown]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

A lot will try and ignore the signs so they don’t have to make a decision. All that does is prolong the inevitable. Trust is a big deal. 
 

She’s just a gf which is a tryout. What’s your brain or common sense telling you?
 

Gut instincts are usually correct. 

I just brought up to her about her having Tinder on her phone.  She acted kind of strange, laughing, like in a boardgame when confronted (we played a lot of boardgames during covid).  She said she just had the app from before and never deleted it. I asked when the last time she used it and she said before she met me.  She then pulled out her phone and opened the app to show me that it wasn't logged in and said she didn't have an account.  I said that doesn't really show anything.  Asked her to login with her phone number, and it logged in.  She said 'what the hell it is still here'.  I then asked her if I could see when the last match or last time she did anything was and she said no and wouldn't let me see what she was doing.   Minutes later she said it is deleted.  Then she started grilling me about where I had found her name listed online and demanded that I show it to her, saying that there must be hundreds of people with her name.  I had lost the website I used to find her online so wasn't able to show that, but told her what it had listed (and the whole time had described all this as what the website showed, not that I was personally accusing her) -- I pointed out that if the tables were turned and she had just discovered Tinder on my phone, she would not be 100% fine with it - but now she is accusing me of not trusting her and now she has been giving me the silent treatment for past 30 minutes.  Not sure where to go from here.

[Jarlstown]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Was your relationship on rocky ground last November?

Not that I'm aware of.  If she really hasn't used it since then I'd buy that, but for her to use it at any point while we've been dating, would be pretty shitty.

 

When I pointed out to her earlier today that the website said she used it in November, that is mostly when she started demanding that I show her the website, and explained that there must be hundreds of people with that name...

She has broken her silent treatment now, but is very aggressive and shouting stuff (not about the whole Tinder thing, but if she needs to me send her an email or do something unrelated, she is shouting it angry, and won't respond to anything else I'm saying)