How to handle a pinger

[Elicari]

Hello Everyone,

I’m dealing with a married man crush that likes to ping me text messages randomly. We went on one date so far, but he’s being cryptic about everything. Says he’s in an open marriage for last 5yrs. I would like to have fun with him since he’s being such a jerk about it. He’s in his mid 50’s.

Any ideas out there about this type of situation?

Thanks, Eli 

[BaileyB]

Block and walk away. Life is too short to waste time on something like this. 

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Elicari said:

Hello Everyone,

I’m dealing with a married man crush that likes to ping me text messages randomly. We went on one date so far, but he’s being cryptic about everything. Says he’s in an open marriage for last 5yrs. I would like to have fun with him since he’s being such a jerk about it. He’s in his mid 50’s.

Any ideas out there about this type of situation?

Thanks, Eli 

Why?

1) its almost never an open marriage.

2) why play games? 

3) see point 1. If you're okay with him being married (as you are looking for something non-committal) but it must be an open marriage, then he must prove this. His wife should be involved in your initial conversation

4) just in case I wasn't clear enough... go back to point 1 

Don't play with him (or, frankly, her as any games with him are games with an unwitting participant in his wife). Block him and get on with your life 

[central]

Most people in a legitimately open marriage can get confirmation from their spouse, but plenty can't because - while they agreed to seeing others - they don't want to know about it.  We provide confirmation for each other if a date wants that, but many don't need it.  Even then, there is no good reason to be evasive or cryptic, other than personal info about the spouse.

[NYAG]

People like this like to play games. He'll send you a message when he's bored/needs affirmation or if someone else he is messaging isn't around. He's keeping you on the backburner for a rainy day should it ever come along. They call it breadcrumbing. He's leaving you a tasty trail to keep you hanging on with no intention of following through. He is the ultimate timewaster, regardless of his 'open relationship' status. And do you have any proof of that status anyway since you can't get a handle on him. Definitely walk away!

[Stupidkupid]

4 hours ago, central said:

Most people in a legitimately open marriage can get confirmation from their spouse, but plenty can't because - while they agreed to seeing others - they don't want to know about it.  We provide confirmation for each other if a date wants that, but many don't need it.  Even then, there is no good reason to be evasive or cryptic, other than personal info about the spouse.

I defer to your better knowledge of this than I but I would never enter into anything with a man who told me he was in ab ooen relationship but whose partner can't/ won't confirm it.

If its true, then hes still free to move onto someone else.

I think you are quite correct in everything you say and the OPs MM here is behaving in a way that infers bad intent

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Block and walk away. 

Agree. Why waste time on guys like this when you could invest in your own BF?

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Elicari said:

I would like to have fun with him since he’s being such a jerk about it. He’s in his mid 50’s.

 

Sexy fun?  Or have fun messing with him because he's a jerk? 

[Wiseman2]

If you like pings,  get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men.

Turn notifications on for that so each time you get a match or message, you'll get pinged.

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you like pings,  get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men.

Turn notifications on for that so each time you get a match or message, you'll get pinged.

Lol. yes. Plenty of pingers on dating apps.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I read your post, then thought Why? Then, read other posters replies echoing the same sentiment.

Surely you can find better things to do with your time? Surely better forms of entertainment exist, right?

Play with fire, get burned! Remember that. 

Edited to add: It's all fun and games until the day you find yourself in triage wondering which was the exact moment that pivoted you to ending up there. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Starswillshine]

Who has time or energy for that level of drama???? 

To echo everyone else, WHY????

[mark clemson]

What are you looking for? Just a FWB situation?

If not, it seems like it would be simpler to look for an unattached person, rather than having to deal with the "baggage" of this (if it's legit, which is certainly an if) and/or trust issues.

Also, if you start to become emotionally attached and he won't leave his marriage - where does that leave you?

If it's truly an open marriage and you truly don't want a "committed" relationship, there's nothing inherently wrong with this. But as you point out, verification is an issue in your case.

As for the excessive pings, simply ask him to tone it down. If he won't comply with a reasonable request - that tells you a lot right there as well.

Edited April 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[glows]

On 4/24/2021 at 5:29 AM, Elicari said:

but he’s being cryptic about everything. Says he’s in an open marriage for last 5yrs.

Ask to meet his wife. Even if you are looking for some romance, it doesn't make sense not to cover your bases and make sure that all parties are up to speed. Don't settle for cryptic please. Inexperience can be explained away in youth but not in adulthood and as a married man claiming to be in an open marriage. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by glows

[Luna66star]

Ask for his wife's phone number.  Better yet, look for her on FB and send a message asking if what he says is true.

[Elicari]

Hi Everyone,

Yes looking for sexy fun and to mess up his mind too. It’s obvious he’s stringing me along. I’m sure he thinks I will be available whenever he wants so I would like to also play him too. On our 5 hour dinner date we discussed various topics. The main one was his open marriage and his fantasies. I don’t recall every detail as there was a lot of drinking.  We did some heavy kissing at the table and on the walk back home. We texted each other the next day,  he’s been cold again but hasn’t totally disappeared. My question is what should I do next as far as getting him to meet again? He accepted my LinkedIn invitation but hasn’t engaged me on the app.

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, Elicari said:

Hi Everyone,

Yes looking for sexy fun and to mess up his mind too. It’s obvious he’s stringing me along. I’m sure he thinks I will be available whenever he wants so I would like to also play him too. On our 5 hour dinner date we discussed various topics. The main one was his open marriage and his fantasies. I don’t recall every detail as there was a lot of drinking.  We did some heavy kissing at the table and on the walk back home. We texted each other the next day,  he’s been cold again but hasn’t totally disappeared. My question is what should I do next as far as getting him to meet again? He accepted my LinkedIn invitation but hasn’t engaged me on the app.

Two things come to mind:

1) block and delete; OR

2) ask to verify open marriage status with his wife

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Two things come to mind:

1) block and delete; OR

2) ask to verify open marriage status with his wife

I don’t think she is interested in doing either of these things. They don’t seem to matter to her, based on her intention to have some sexy fun and mess with his mind. 

[Elicari]

Hi Everyone,

Yes looking for sexy fun and to mess up his mind too. It’s obvious he’s stringing me along. I’m sure he thinks I will be available whenever he wants so I would like to also play him too. On our 5 hour dinner date we discussed various topics. The main one was his open marriage and his fantasies. I don’t recall every detail as there was a lot of drinking.  We did some heavy kissing at the table and on the walk back home. We texted each other the next day,  he’s been cold again but hasn’t totally disappeared. My question is what should I do next as far as getting him to meet again? He accepted my LinkedIn invitation but hasn’t engaged me on the app.

 

Exactly, I want to do both as describe above. As for the wife she may know or not, she’s definitely up to no good too. I know her but would never ask her about the open relationship. She’s a family friend so that’s not going to work. I figure if he’s really in an open relationship he would taken the opportunity to connect more by now. Also he is in the middle of a move to another state and mentioned he’d be traveling back and forth for work. So now I’m just waiting to see his next move with me. Not sure why he’s doing this game as I’ve shown interest and didn’t show I cared about his wife or relationship status. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds to me like he is not super interested (yet). He can take it or leave it, kind of. Maybe 1) he's not sure whether or not he wants to have an affair/sex with somebody else than his wife, or 2) he has other options on the side that keep him busy, or 3) he is now too busy with his move to another state and wants to get settled in first. He might be more open as soon as he has completed his move and starts to travel back and forth for work. That might free up more of his time to have meetings with you. Who knows. I would not do anything right now. Wait for him to reach out. 

[Luna66star]

You appear to enjoy the games he is playing.  Okay I see.  Fun is great.  Honestly though I wouldn't waste my time on trying to play him back.  You will eventually get to really like him as more time goes by.  They can be incredibly charming.

Like so many other similar posts, women use up their precious energy on these players and on the process get addicted to the "high," of it all. 

I went through the same once thinking it was all in fun.  Eventually though he treated me like crap with all the games.  That translated into a huge disrespect for me and I felt shitty about myself.

I kicked the time waster to the curb before it was too late?

 

 

 

 

[Elicari]

8 hours ago, Luna66star said:

You appear to enjoy the games he is playing.  Okay I see.  Fun is great.  Honestly though I wouldn't waste my time on trying to play him back.  You will eventually get to really like him as more time goes by.  They can be incredibly charming.

Like so many other similar posts, women use up their precious energy on these players and on the process get addicted to the "high," of it all. 

I went through the same once thinking it was all in fun.  Eventually though he treated me like crap with all the games.  That translated into a huge disrespect for me and I felt shitty about myself.

I kicked the time waster to the curb before it was too late?

 

 

 

 

Hi, Thank you for all the opinions. I just found out this afternoon that the married couple also visit brothel houses in the city. Their daughter told my niece she thinks her parents go to  special houses together. So they may be in some kind of open relationship after all. Which is even more confusing why he doesn’t really try harder to connect with me. Is he happy with his current arrangement? Meaning this is  enough for him and he just likes to flirt with me?  Any ideas would be helpful. Thank you.

[jspice]

3 minutes ago, Elicari said:

Hi, Thank you for all the opinions. I just found out this afternoon that the married couple also visit brothel houses in the city. Their daughter told my niece she thinks her parents go to  special houses together. So they may be in some kind of open relationship after all. Which is even more confusing why he doesn’t really try harder to connect with me. Is he happy with his current arrangement? Meaning this is  enough for him and he just likes to flirt with me?  Any ideas would be helpful. Thank you.

Sounds like he’s messing with your mind instead of the other way around. 
This is all very childish and seedy. They supposedly go to brothels and you still want to sleep with him 🙄

 

[Elicari]

4 minutes ago, jspice said:

Sounds like he’s messing with your mind instead of the other way around. 
This is all very childish and seedy. They supposedly go to brothels and you still want to sleep with him 🙄

 

Well, I don’t like the sounds of that part at all. I want to see how far he’s willing to take this game. I want to see what he is thinking to do next and if he doesn’t continue to pursue why not? This is what I’m interested in finding out.

[jspice]

42 minutes ago, Elicari said:

Well, I don’t like the sounds of that part at all. I want to see how far he’s willing to take this game. I want to see what he is thinking to do next and if he doesn’t continue to pursue why not? This is what I’m interested in finding out.

Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?