How to handle a pinger

[S2B]

On 5/7/2021 at 5:57 AM, Elicari said:

Hi Everyone,

Yes looking for sexy fun and to mess up his mind too. It’s obvious he’s stringing me along. I’m sure he thinks I will be available whenever he wants so I would like to also play him too. On our 5 hour dinner date we discussed various topics. The main one was his open marriage and his fantasies. I don’t recall every detail as there was a lot of drinking.  We did some heavy kissing at the table and on the walk back home. We texted each other the next day,  he’s been cold again but hasn’t totally disappeared. My question is what should I do next as far as getting him to meet again? He accepted my LinkedIn invitation but hasn’t engaged me on the app.

Show up at his doorstep unannounced if you really want to mess with him. 🤣🎉

[S2B]

11 hours ago, Elicari said:

Yes, he has not followed up yet but I don’t expect him to until he settles into his new home. 

Or another 5 months goes by.

maybe his wife only lets him out of her sight every 5-6 months.

[Elicari]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Or another 5 months goes by.

maybe his wife only lets him out of her sight every 5-6 months.

Sad, you sound sound so jealous and negative. 
On the one hand I’m encouraged to not chase him and on the other I’m told he’s not interested and I’m a fool for waiting. I’m not losing by waiting or by thinking about it, I’m learning and observing. After all he may be thinking twice because he loves his wife and nothing more. Nothing wrong with that and highly possible why he doesn’t chase more.

[elaine567]

There may be literally hundreds of reasons why he may not be rushing to contact you and "chase" you but they are immaterial.
Truth he is not contacting you or chasing you, and that is what you need to take on board. 
The "fun" in dating is due to having guys interested in you, guys who are hot for you, there is actually little "fun" to be gained in hankering after lukewarm or cold guys.

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like you may need to figure out why you like this drama in your life. 

[Crazelnut]

So basically you just want to bang a guy that you think is hot. You didn't need a thread here for that. You're just here to get attention.

[jspice]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Sounds like you may need to figure out why you like this drama in your life. 

Apparently it’s “relaxing” 🤣🤣

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Elicari said:

On the one hand I’m encouraged to not chase him and on the other I’m told he’s not interested and I’m a fool for waiting.

Exactly why you should not chase him, he is apparently not interested. If he was, you would have heard from him again. 

Edited May 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

On 5/7/2021 at 11:55 AM, Elicari said:

I know her but would never ask her about the open relationship. She’s a family friend so that’s not going to work.

That whole scenario could blow up in your face, if she's a family friend. I would steer clear of this situation.

[Elicari]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly why you should not chase him, he is apparently not interested. If he was, you would have heard from him again. 

But the thing is he does show up on and off again. It’s just not often but it’s constant.  Yes I’m physically interested for now and that may be all so if he’s into me he will eventually show up for more. It’s relaxing and exciting at the same time.

[Elicari]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

That whole scenario could blow up in your face, if she's a family friend. I would steer clear of this situation.

Well that’s true but since they seem to be in an open relationship of some sort she may not care. Or then again may not like that he’s interested in me and I’m a family friend so it’s too close for comfort type of thing too? I haven’t seen her since the dinner so I can’t tell her feelings towards me yet.

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Elicari said:

It’s relaxing and exciting at the same time.

It’s the whole “I want a relationship, it I’m going to pick an unavailable man so that I don’t have to invest too much and I can’t get hurt.” For some, it’s both exciting and safe - until they develop feelings. For me, it’s a totally pointless waste of time. 

Personally, I think you are looking for attention more than anything else. There are other ways to find it. 

[Elicari]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s the whole “I want a relationship, it I’m going to pick an unavailable man so that I don’t have to invest too much and I can’t get hurt.” For some, it’s both exciting and safe - until they develop feelings. For me, it’s a totally pointless waste of time. 

Personally, I think you are looking for attention more than anything else. There are other ways to find it. 

I’m looking for excitement not attention from here. I like to hear everyone’s opinions because the more I know the more I understand how to approach this situation. 

[notbroken]

The guy is using you.  If he was around more he'd just be using you more.  He's married.  He's not available.  Aren't you worth more than going after someone's husband?  There isn't any 'prize' or pride in 'stealing' someone's husband.   Seriously - do better for yourself.  Date unmarried men.  You lower yourself every time you go out with a married man.  You seem determined to go after a married man and find an excuse for why it is ok.   He's not pursuing you very hard because he doesn't have to and has low interest.  He likely views you as easy and available to married men.   I'm out.  I do hope you find a better path than participating in cheating and lying. 

[Elicari]

1 hour ago, notbroken said:

The guy is using you.  If he was around more he'd just be using you more.  He's married.  He's not available.  Aren't you worth more than going after someone's husband?  There isn't any 'prize' or pride in 'stealing' someone's husband.   Seriously - do better for yourself.  Date unmarried men.  You lower yourself every time you go out with a married man.  You seem determined to go after a married man and find an excuse for why it is ok.   He's not pursuing you very hard because he doesn't have to and has low interest.  He likely views you as easy and available to married men.   I'm out.  I do hope you find a better path than participating in cheating and lying. 

So maybe since he’s not pursuing me very hard that makes me even more interested and excited? This could be part of the excitement for me?

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, Elicari said:

So maybe since he’s not pursuing me very hard that makes me even more interested and excited? This could be part of the excitement for me?

If that is the case then, I feel badly for you. You are not going to be very successful in relationships. 

Do you normally get excited and fixated on people who do not want a relationship with you? 

[mark clemson]

^^ perhaps this helps you perceive him as "alpha" and therefore makes you more attracted. Or at some deeper level, perhaps reduced interest it makes you feel some need to "prove" that you are "good enough" for him. You feel validated by "winning over" that person who was lukewarm.

Just theories. These are questions for a therapist (or perhaps sincere and prolonged introspection) I think.

It's true that sometimes showing less interest makes the other more interested, up to a point. For better or worse, "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen" (part of which is showing less regard/interest in the person) can work with some folks as can "hot/cold manipulation".

[Elicari]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If that is the case then, I feel badly for you. You are not going to be very successful in relationships. 

Do you normally get excited and fixated on people who do not want a relationship with you? 

No, actually most are very excited to be with me and I haven’t had anyone in the past not be interested. Whom ever I liked always like me back. I know he likes me but he’s a bit different in his approach.

[Elicari]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ perhaps this helps you perceive him as "alpha" and therefore makes you more attracted. Or at some deeper level, perhaps reduced interest it makes you feel some need to "prove" that you are "good enough" for him. You feel validated by "winning over" that person who was lukewarm.

Just theories. These are questions for a therapist (or perhaps sincere and prolonged introspection) I think.

It's true that sometimes showing less interest makes the other more interested, up to a point. For better or worse, "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen" (part of which is showing less regard/interest in the person) can work with some folks as can "hot/cold manipulation".

This makes sense to me but it has proven to be difficult for me at the moment. I am trying to be cold and indifferent. This month I will travel for work and he’s moving so maybe the distant will make it more interesting for both. I plan on not contacting him and see what his next move will be, of course I hope he will try approaching me then I have an opportunity to decide and play accordingly. Who knows by then I may lose interest.