How do you cheer yourself up?

[ZA Dater]

Relatively simply title, I am interested in what everyone does when they feel down?

Sure, we all know not every day can be a happy one but what do you do when you have a few of these to make yourself feel better. I try to be positive and see the good but the last week has been quite difficult despite a very promising work development. 

Part of my problem is being so isolated, sure I go places, have hobbies but ultimately I always feel isolated and alone.

Usually I do something, walk on the beach, cycle along some of my favourite roads, take my muscle car for a drive but none of these have really helped much this time.  

[Alpacalia]

Hobbies are enjoyable, but every now and then it's good to treat yourself to something nice, or to eat a high-calorie, high-carbohydrate, high-glucose meal (if you can).

[basil67]

If getting out and doing stuff doesn't make you feel better, then perhaps your body and mind is telling you that it needs to do some processing.  I'd say that you should be kinder to your mind and give it time to do the processing it needs.  

[Happy Lemming]

Doing projects around the house, seems to make me happy.  It could be the sense of accomplishment, it could be just checking another project/chore off of the "to do" list.

On Monday, I trimmed this long oleander hedge that I have.  It took me about 4 hours to trim it, shape it and clean up the mess, but in the end it looked great.  I was quite satisfied with the results, which seem to bring me some joy.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 4/25/2021 at 1:36 AM, basil67 said:

If getting out and doing stuff doesn't make you feel better, then perhaps your body and mind is telling you that it needs to do some processing.  I'd say that you should be kinder to your mind and give it time to do the processing it needs.  

Probably correct. I decided to do a lot of working out and that made me feel a bit better but not a lot better. The processing part is not so easy at the moment, its weird because there is good stuff going on but its almost all cancelled out by the not so good. 

Feeling isolated is not the best of feelings. My other issue is I think about everything so my mind never really gets a rest, for example I tried to strike up a friendship with a guy, we are into similar things and while we see each other at events and such like, he has his friends and I get excluded from that, so we can talk about mutual hobbies I am very much compartmentalized which makes me feel yet more isolated.

 

[elaine567]

28 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

... I tried to strike up a friendship with a guy, we are into similar things and while we see each other at events and such like, he has his friends and I get excluded from that, so we can talk about mutual hobbies I am very much compartmentalized which makes me feel yet more isolated.

I think finding an exclusive friend as an adult is difficult.
That is why a lot of people, date, and settle down with one person. They acquire a special exclusive friend.
If chosen correctly, then a friendship that excludes most if not all others is possible with that one person.     
Otherwise most people choose non exclusive friends, friends that have multiple friendship groups, one of which happens to contain you.
Many will keep these friendship groups separate as they know the guys they go hiking with will not get along with the guys they go to watch football with and vice versa...

[Negotaurus]

I am rather isolated as well. I don't do that well around people these days. So I have pets, hobbies, my job and family there for me instead. Reading is fantastic, being creative (personally I draw and do different crafts) helps a lot too. 

I don't mind being alone anymore. I used to, but that was back in the day when I was quite insecure and lacked confidence. I needed people to tell me I am worthy. It was exhausting, though, so instead of worrying about others I started to put more work into myself. I started eating healthy, got fit, finally started sleeping better and so on. I feel comfortable alone now. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think finding an exclusive friend as an adult is difficult.
That is why a lot of people, date, and settle down with one person. They acquire a special exclusive friend.
If chosen correctly, then a friendship that excludes most if not all others is possible with that one person.     
Otherwise most people choose non exclusive friends, friends that have multiple friendship groups, one of which happens to contain you.
Many will keep these friendship groups separate as they know the guys they go hiking with will not get along with the guys they go to watch football with and vice versa...

Makes a lot of sense. I honestly think most friendships seem to be formed in college, I look at the one friend I have, he has lots of "friends" because they go out and he picks up the bill, he throws parties and they all arrive but few/none are around when he actually needs a friend.

I find it amazing that people cannot adapt to different groups but I do see the problem some of the time but for me its become so bad I cannot even find friends in mutual interest groups either. At some point one starts asking "what is wrong with me" and after an experience a few years ago I swore to never go down that road again because the questions are senseless and nobody will ever answer them honestly.

It seems to me so much of the foundation of life is prepared between ages 16-30, if you do not have that foundation you basically consign yourself to a big un fulfilling mess. Its this mess which has me feeling so down because I really cannot fix it.

One thing you mention above does give me some feel good and its the highlighted part because at least I know what I was trying to do was not the wrong thing because that was always my approach.

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I am rather isolated as well. I don't do that well around people these days. So I have pets, hobbies, my job and family there for me instead. Reading is fantastic, being creative (personally I draw and do different crafts) helps a lot too. 

I don't mind being alone anymore. I used to, but that was back in the day when I was quite insecure and lacked confidence. I needed people to tell me I am worthy. It was exhausting, though, so instead of worrying about others I started to put more work into myself. I started eating healthy, got fit, finally started sleeping better and so on. I feel comfortable alone now. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

All very valid ideas. I do not sleep well for a multitude of work and life reasons. I actually like being around people but I am always the misfit, there are few situations where I fit in. I have taken up reading and I am working on my blog which I enjoy, mainly because its looking back at times when I was not isolated and had some things going for me in terms of people.

For me and I am hesitant to put this on a forum, I have just never felt anyone really cared about me.

[elaine567]

I do believe that at 37, most have the friends they want to have, ie many or none as the case may be, or they are coupled up, so are busy with their partner or their kids/family.
Couples want to be friends with other couples, parents want to be friends with other parents, so a guy or girl on their own is not seen as an asset and may even be seen as a threat.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Makes a lot of sense. I honestly think most friendships seem to be formed in college, I look at the one friend I have, he has lots of "friends" because they go out and he picks up the bill, he throws parties and they all arrive but few/none are around when he actually needs a friend.

These people aren't dear friends.  They are acquaintances.   Or perhaps casual friends.   Picking up bills and throwing parties may be a great way to get casual friends, but it's not going to deliver a dear friend. 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I find it amazing that people cannot adapt to different groups

You quite often mention how inane you find the conversations of others or that they can't hold up a conversation.  This is the perfect example of not adapting to different groups - and in this respect, you're just like them and totally normal.   Most of us find the group of people who are a good fit and work with that.

Quote

but I do see the problem some of the time but for me its become so bad I cannot even find friends in mutual interest groups either. At some point one starts asking "what is wrong with me" and after an experience a few years ago I swore to never go down that road again because the questions are senseless and nobody will ever answer them honestly.

Sometimes there is no reason.  It's just that they don't gel.   I don't gel with one of the groups of people I hang out with - and while they are kind and warm - I can't put my finger on why it's the case.   Not being able to answer a question doesn't mean that a person is dishonest. 

Quote

One thing you mention above does give me some feel good and its the highlighted part because at least I know what I was trying to do was not the wrong thing because that was always my approach.

In my experience, the 'friend' is part of what happens AFTER you get attracted, chase, get a date, connect, have sex and keep getting to know each other.  When all that initial passion dies down, you also find that you have also gained a dear friend.   Unfortunately, it rarely works if you do things backwards.

Edited April 26, 2021 by basil67

[Negotaurus]

39 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

All very valid ideas. I do not sleep well for a multitude of work and life reasons. I actually like being around people but I am always the misfit, there are few situations where I fit in. I have taken up reading and I am working on my blog which I enjoy, mainly because its looking back at times when I was not isolated and had some things going for me in terms of people.

For me and I am hesitant to put this on a forum, I have just never felt anyone really cared about me.

It's very nice when you open up about yourself. Though it's often difficult on forums since many are quick to jump the gun and get judgmental. From what I have gathered, you're against therapy, personally I really wish you'd give it a (fair) shot. It's no magic cure to anything, but a good professional knows which buttons to press in order to help their client gain perspective. You're probably the perfect candidate anyway - you enjoy debating and are open about your struggles. I think your point of view has turned out to be your Achilles' heel.

Are you an animal person? Yes, lots of responsibility, but definitely worth it in my opinion. Having a home that has life in it is a lot different than sitting in emptiness, surrounded by walls. Though some people simply aren't into pets, which is fine.

You've been doing the same thing for so long while constantly being unhappy, really hope you try change something soon. Your sleep schedule for example, it's hard to have a positive outlook when sleep deprived. 

Rooting for you. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I do believe that at 37, most have the friends they want to have, ie many or none as the case may be, or they are coupled up, so are busy with their partner or their kids/family.
Couples want to be friends with other couples, parents want to be friends with other parents, so a guy or girl on their own is not seen as an asset and may even be seen as a threat.  

Honest is good. So in other words I best prepare for a very isolated how ever much time I have on this planet. This really is not the sort of life I planned or really want, truth be told. I agree with you on the above, I had a school friend and that friendship died because is wife, kids and I just did not fit into that dynamic, granted they were religious and I am not which probably had a bigger part to play in the friendship dying.

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In my experience, the 'friend' is part of what happens AFTER you get attracted, chase, get a date, connect, have sex and keep getting to know each other.  When all that initial passion dies down, you also find that you have also gained a dear friend.   Unfortunately, it rarely works if you do things backwards.

I am really struggling to understand the above so do forgive me if I get this totally wrong. Are you saying you need to sleep with someone to actually get everything else to sort of connect together? Basically a ONS is the way to go?

This is quite hard for me to actually comprehend because its completely the opposite of the way I think, granted nobody I am remotely interested in finds me sexually attractive but even if they did I'd want to get to know them as a friend first, look I know this does not work really but I must admit your thinking is different.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In my experience, the 'friend' is part of what happens AFTER you get attracted, chase, get a date, connect, have sex and keep getting to know each other.  When all that initial passion dies down, you also find that you have also gained a dear friend.   Unfortunately, it rarely works if you do things backwards.

I agree. Plenty people on here married their friend to find there is no sexual chemistry to keep the marriage alive.
Sleeping with someone you see more like a brother than a lover, doesn't work.
The spark and the passion doesn't tend to ignite. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Are you saying you need to sleep with someone to actually get everything else to sort of connect together? Basically a ONS is the way to go?

ONS is something entirely different...
A ONS is what it says on the tin, a one night stand.
It has nothing to do with a relationship...

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

It's very nice when you open up about yourself. Though it's often difficult on forums since many are quick to jump the gun and get judgmental. From what I have gathered, you're against therapy, personally I really wish you'd give it a (fair) shot. It's no magic cure to anything, but a good professional knows which buttons to press in order to help their client gain perspective. You're probably the perfect candidate anyway - you enjoy debating and are open about your struggles. I think your point of view has turned out to be your Achilles' heel.

Are you an animal person? Yes, lots of responsibility, but definitely worth it in my opinion. Having a home that has life in it is a lot different than sitting in emptiness, surrounded by walls. Though some people simply aren't into pets, which is fine.

You've been doing the same thing for so long while constantly being unhappy, really hope you try change something soon. Your sleep schedule for example, it's hard to have a positive outlook when sleep deprived. 

Rooting for you. 

Therapy for me has always turned into a waste of time for the simple reason, I leave there, I still have no friends, I still have no GF, my prospects do not change and all I have had was a debate with someone. I had a cat for 23 years which is probably about the closest I have ever come to having a companion.

Mostly I get by directing my focus elsewhere be it work or hobbies or anything really but very rarely do I actually have people around who take an interest in me beyond the extent needed for basis interaction.

I am monumentally strong though so I rely on that inner strength. Chocolate also helps!

Though this feeling down is not unusual for me, its the same before every birthday. 

[ZA Dater]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

ONS is something entirely different...
A ONS is what it says on the tin, a one night stand.
It has nothing to do with a relationship...

Well I must be totally sleep deprived because quite frankly I do not understand.

[HotRevolver93]

Watch movies 

[d0nnivain]

If isolation is the root of the problem, call a friend or family member.  Just have a human interaction even if it's virtual or voice only.  

You say you have 1 friend but what are you doing to make friends?  Can you join a cycling club since you mentioned liking to ride?  Is there anybody at work who you think would be fun to hang out with?  Invite them somewhere.  

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Chocolate also helps!

LOVE THIS!! ^^^^^^

I've been having trouble cheering myself up, lately. OLD was definitely not working for me, so I decided to swear off men, unless one falls in my lap and THAT'S not likely to happen. For that reason, I've been a little lonely. I don't have many friends, and the two good friends that I do have are going through things and we do not see each other much at all. I just adopted a dog and he's my faithful companion. We spend a lot of time in my backyard, I also volunteer at a couple places. If I'm home, I'll watch a good movie. The thing that cheers me up the most, though, is to put the dog in the car and go for a ride with the windows down and the music blasting. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am really struggling to understand the above so do forgive me if I get this totally wrong. Are you saying you need to sleep with someone to actually get everything else to sort of connect together? Basically a ONS is the way to go?

 

When I said "AFTER you get attracted, chase, get a date, connect, have sex and keep getting to know each other", I don't mean that it has to happen all on the same day.    I was trying to summarise the first 6 months or so with someone when you're on that hormone and adrenaline filled high.   

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I must be totally sleep deprived because quite frankly I do not understand.

A 'one night stand' is sleeping with a person and knowing it was casual sex and never going to be anything more.

"first date sex" on the other hand is when you sleep with someone on the first date, knowing that a relationship might follow.

They are two different animals.  

[dramafreezone]

Too broad of a question, but delving into hobbies, my career and talking to loved ones helps.   However, most times I don't try to cheer myself up.  It's ok to feel down sometimes, but I know it's just temporary.  If this is a persistent thing, again, therapy would be a good next step.

Quote

Therapy for me has always turned into a waste of time for the simple reason, I leave there, I still have no friends, I still have no GF, my prospects do not change and all I have had was a debate with someone

Therapy is not for changing your results.  It's for changing your thought process, with the trust that this is evidence-based therapy that has worked for millions of people before you.  If you don't approach therapy in good faith tthen it is certainly a waste of time for you and the therapist.  A therapist is not there for you to debate.  They're the expert, you are not, and if you knew what they knew you wouldn't be there and you'd have everything you wanted.  For therapy to have a shot in hell of working you have to be a good patient.

Edited April 26, 2021 by dramafreezone

[BaileyB]

On 4/24/2021 at 6:36 PM, basil67 said:

If getting out and doing stuff doesn't make you feel better, then perhaps your body and mind is telling you that it needs to do some processing.  I'd say that you should be kinder to your mind and give it time to do the processing it needs.  

Nice long walks do it for me. I do my best thinking during a long walk on a beautiful day... 

Edited April 26, 2021 by BaileyB