Just a Thing

[Bloodymindedabc]

Thought I’d share my experience. Not really looking for comment or advice. Rather it’s good sometimes to look back and it helps to write down the action and experience. 
 

Met 2001 man 33 solicitor woman 26. Teacher. Both high academic achievers.  Married 2004 after cohabiting 2yr in mans house at time (since moved to semi rural home with gardens) 
 

Both had several prior relationships. Man had lived overseas with work for a few years. 

Neither like big parties although Man had more friends and more social activity than Woman.

Two children. 
 
Woman never instigated sex after marriage other than when trying for children. No discussion about Woman giving up work before children. It was just presented. Man highly paid > £150k pa since mid 30s.

Man increasingly uncomfortable about instigating sex. Felt like asking for “favour”.  Children ever present. Woman v old fashioned and appears uncomfortable discussing. Man decided to stop instigating sex 2 years ago and none taken place since. 

Man and Woman cohabit and get of fine. No arguments. No touching and no sex. Man tends to go to sleep on big Sofa in tv room now although again not discussed. 

Surprisingly Man is very relaxed about this arrangement and happy for it to continue. Man now 52, Woman 46.

it’s interesting that the surveys suggest regular activity at our age. We seem to be fine though. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Bloodymindedabc
Correction

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you're describing more or less a "roommate marriage" with little sexual activity. Many people would find that problematic, but there are those in this world who it "works for". If you and she are both like that and neither of you feel that "your needs aren't being met" then there's nothing inherently wrong with continuing this.

If you are feeling like your needs aren't being met and are wondering whether you could/should be asking for more - well, while you must make your own decisions, there are certainly many people in the world who would not accept a sexless marriage. If that's the case, then you'd need to think about how to cautiously broach the issue, communicate more about sex and probably other needs/issues in your marriage, and possibly consider counseling. There is no "right answer" AND you should be aware there is no guaranteed outcome, either positive or negative, from attempting to change things (if you do that).

[elaine567]

On 4/25/2021 at 7:32 AM, Bloodymindedabc said:

Surprisingly Man is very relaxed about this arrangement and happy for it to continue.

Sometimes getting rid of sex can be actually a good thing in a marriage.
Apparently your wife does not want sex and you are also happy with no sex...
So I suggest if it ain't broke then don't try to fix it.
A happy marriage is a big bonus.

[FMW]

Other people never really know what goes on in someone else's marriage, so the general idea of what's normal and acceptable is meaningless as long as the two people in the marriage are happy with it.  

You say the man is relaxed about the arrangement and happy to continue.  As long as that's the case, and it doesn't include sneaking around or hiding from the wife sexual activity outside of the marriage, then I don't see a problem.  

[d0nnivain]

If you are both fine, it's all good.  

[Bloodymindedabc]

When I say happy with the arrangement I probably mean accepting of it. To coin a much used phrase it is what it is. 

I suppose what would also need to be expected is there are many ambitions I have including form a rock band, do some extensive adventures , develop my shooting some more and pick motorsport back up. 
 

These are not shared activities, my wife has absolutely no interest in spending weeks walking the SW peninsula for example and will if realised take me away for tracts of time. 
 

My in-laws spend a good deal of time sitting around each other providing some sort of argumentative company for one another. Occasionally one might sneeze to break the monotony. It’s not a question of money, it’s the way they are.
 

ive spent so long driven by the need to succeed and,  having succeeded I’m not going to sit on my bum and relax as the family dissipate.

I sometimes ask myself is this some sort of mid life crisis. Maybe it is. Before I met my wife I lived overseas and enjoyed that and I seem to have become a fair guitarist without noticing it. 

I don’t see that as incomparable with marriage but it’s a long way removed from what all my wife’s relatives do. They are all about shared social activities or in my in-laws case shared unsocial activities. It’s not something I can really discuss in my marriage as it is need a “roommate” marriage - that is a very good description. 

Which leads to an odd thought. My marriage is a bygone structure of a past time. It’s like a museum. There is no need to close it or change it. It’s not causing me any real harm and indeed closing it or  debating whether the exhibitions are any good seems a fairly pointless exercise - I have no desire to fit out a new museum.  I have nothing to gain from booting out the curator or even asking the curator if they are happy - if they are unhappy that is for them to resolve. I just am not someone who visits the museum that often. Funny way for the curator to lead their life - not motivated to do anything so do nothing.
 

Sorry I’m talking to myself again. I’ve warmed to the museum analogy.

I don’t know if anyone else uses it. I don’t know if anyone already uses it as the core of lyrics to a song. 

[Bloodymindedabc]

Sorry I can’t seem to edit this - incomparable should be incompatible and it is need should be is indeed. 

[FMW]

The last post indicates it's not so much about being happy to continue the same way, but resignation and lack of motivation to do anything about it.

Do you miss sex?  Do you find yourself looking at other women and feeling any desire? 

Do you miss having an emotional bond and connection beyond that roommate marriage?

For most people the lack of those things would cause a problem, and it can easily lead to connecting to someone else at some point. 

We all make choices of what we accept in life.  Just make sure you're being realistic and honest about the long term viability.      

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Bloodymindedabc said:

My in-laws spend a good deal of time sitting around each other providing some sort of argumentative company for one another. Occasionally one might sneeze to break the monotony. It’s not a question of money, it’s the way they are.

Great description. I've seen people like this. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

I would blow my brains out before sitting around bickering all day, but to each thier own.

You seem incompatible on so many levels. The roommates thing is just the icing on the cake 🎂.

You could stay married for convenience and keep busy, but the dread and drag of coming home would really suck.

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

It's your life. If you are content with "the museum" as you metaphorically call your marriage, no need to change things. If you feel like you would regret it at the end of your life, then consider changing things around. Really, there is no "right" answer.

Possibly you and your wife both have some level of avoidant attachment, where you are comfortable with a connection that's not too close. There are people like this in the world, e.g. the "Living Apart Together" crowd, etc. Avoidant attachment can be problematic if the avoidant tendencies are very strong, but it is still attachment, so there can still be a connection, commitment, etc. It's not for everybody, but if this is what works for the two of you, then good for you. If it's really NOT working and you're just figuring out what to do about it, well, I suppose that will play out in time as you mentally sort out what to do.

Edited April 27, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

the dread and drag of coming home would really suck.

I don't actually think that is the case here, they get along fine, no arguments, there is no constant bickering....

[Bloodymindedabc]

Until 24 I had no girlfriends. I was desperate for a girlfriend. Then I had lots of girlfriends. So so many. I could be really horrible at times - everyone wanted to be special - whereas i could be brutally honest about how I felt.

Letting what libido I have left cause so many problems and distractions when there is so much to get done in the slug of good time I have left - peeing about with r’ship drama when it often made me feel fed up first time round - well It’s not going to fly. 

It’s been useful to rationalise this - it’s good to reflect from time to time.