Break up - Could Use Some Perspective

[JustSomeGuyHere]

Hi Everyone-

Not sure where to turn right now but I could use some outside perspective. I just broke up with a girl who I dated a few years ago and then decided it was too unhealthy and had to get her out of my life. I finally had the nerve to go full no contact and blocked her for two years. Over the years she repeatedly tried to reach out and eventually (9 months ago) I decided to try again with her. It went well for a while but ended today with how you would've expected.

This morning after a few days of arguing she texted me the below:

"I've decided that going our separate ways is for the best. I haven't liked the way you treated me for a majority of this relationship. I'm pretty positive I'd be a lot happier by myself and that continuing to have you in my life will only cause further stress and conflict. I used to believe that we would be able to make things work between us if we tried hard enough to change. That in the end it would all be worth it. I realize now that how much I neglected myself and my needs by always trying to appease to you. I'm just ready to close this door, move forward with my life and love myself the way I wish you had loved and cared about me. Please let me know when is a good time to get my stuff."


My response:
"I have been having similar thoughts too. It's sad because I do believe we both really do love and care for each other. And I agree. It always seems like we were just one misunderstanding from making everything work and understanding each other. When things are good I could see being with each other for life. And then one stupid thing comes up and everything goes out the window in an instant. Then we're both miserable. And stressed. And both feeling misunderstood."

Her response:
"That's very nice. I don't think there's anything else to talk about except when can I get my stuff."

My response:
"Ok. I wrote you a letter. I'm going to send to your email now. You can grab your stuff any time this week while I am at work"


I then sent this letter to her email and blocked her on my cell to initiate No Contact:

"I’m really sorry things didn’t work out with us. I am truly happy we tried again and I will always cherish our time together.

I think we both have different values in life and what we expect from our partners.

I think that staying together would just lead to more pain for both of us.

You’re an amazing person in so many ways and you have so much to offer the world. I am sure you will find your way and improve many lives in the process.

I have personally grown immensely from our time together.

Please know that this is very painful for me and I need space to heal as we go our separate ways. I hope you can respect that.

Maybe someday in the future we can be friends. I wish you nothing but the best."



She was angry and sent me the below emails:

Message 1: "Why did you do that? Why did you feel the need to make this harder? What are you trying to accomplish right now? By blocking me and sending me an email. That's not you caring, that's you trying to hurt me. Just like when you wouldn't talk to me for days. It's a form of manipulation. I wasn't rude or argumentative with you and you just made something that could have and should have been a clean break. No hard feelings into something that's messy. That was the worst way we could've ended things and you know this. Do me a favor and please stop toying with emotions and feelings. It's f***ed up."

Message 2: "What you just did was low, it was petty as f***, it was uncalled for, it was f***ed up on so many accounts. You know what you did and you know why you did it. Thank you for making this more difficult. I guess it probably makes you feel better though right?? Always thinking about yourself. "

Message 3:"Everything was fine we were both in agreed it was for the best there were no hard feelings. So please tell me Peter why you had to take it that far? Because you know my triggers and you know what I struggle with. You couldn’t just end it on a good note could you? Just had get one last trigger in. Which is crazy because you always want to put everything on me like everything is my fault. What did I do this time Peter? I’d really like to know. "

Message 4: "This is going to be my last message to you and I’m done after this. What you just did was a reflection of how unfairly you’ve treated me our whole relationship. I realize now that I can’t be upset with you it wasn't your fault I got hurt, used, and manipulated by you. It was my own fault. The only person I can blame for everything I went through in this relationship is myself. Because I stayed and I let you and I fed into it. I allowed myself to be triggered by you and I didn't love myself enough to end how unfairly I was being treated. So now I'll do just that and I won't look back once. This I promise you. "
----
I haven't responded to any of her emails. I don't think anything I did was wrong. I think I set a boundary and was very clear. I think I was respectful. If anything I think her responses are more indications that I needed to get out of this relationship and made the right decision.

Regardless, I am hurting right now and wondering if I made the right decision. Am I in the wrong here?

Some outside perspective would be appreciated. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Go NC & don't look back.   Anybody who gets angry at you over that nice email needs to be out of your life because they are toxic.  She can feel anyway she wants.  It's none of your concern.  You are broken up.  Stop caring what she thinks or feels.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JustSomeGuyHere said:

Her response:
"That's very nice. I don't think there's anything else to talk about except when can I get my stuff."

My response:
"Ok. I wrote you a letter. I'm going to send to your email now. You can grab your stuff any time this week while I am at work"

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you both tried, but like most on/off situations the issues remain unresolved.

 Detach yourself and stick with her getting her stuff. 

Don't let this drag out and wear you down. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Stromae]

While I don’t think it was necessary to send your “closure” email I don’t think you did anything bad either 

instead I think this is her way of getting more attention or grasping at it anyway. Someone who truly doesn’t care, for example, won’t tell you they are walking away.. they would just walk away. She’s making it a point to drag this on and mess with your head. Either way it’s done and over, best to move on 

[spiderowl]

You had both agreed to end it, if I am interpreting things correctly?  If so, what was the point of sending that further 'ending' message and then blocking her?  I can understand sending a message but then blocking is like reinforcing the 'this has ended' message.  Did you really need to do that?  Surely you are both grown up enough not to bother each other from now on.

Having said the above, I am not sure what she was most upset about - whether it was your message or blocking her straight afterwards.  I don't tend to block people unless they really deserve it, e.g. have hurt me a great deal, are stalking, or are being a real nuisance.

 

[Blind-Sided]

First... Sorry you are going through this.

BUT.......

This is exactly why I stop talking to ex's, and don't want an ex back after a break up.  You broke up for a reason... do you really think it's going to be any different the second... or third time around? 

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, JustSomeGuyHere said:

Hi Everyone-

Not sure where to turn right now but I could use some outside perspective. I just broke up with a girl who I dated a few years ago and then decided it was too unhealthy and had to get her out of my life. I finally had the nerve to go full no contact and blocked her for two years. Over the years she repeatedly tried to reach out and eventually (9 months ago) I decided to try again with her. It went well for a while but ended today with how you would've expected.

This morning after a few days of arguing she texted me the below:

"I've decided that going our separate ways is for the best. I haven't liked the way you treated me for a majority of this relationship. I'm pretty positive I'd be a lot happier by myself and that continuing to have you in my life will only cause further stress and conflict. I used to believe that we would be able to make things work between us if we tried hard enough to change. That in the end it would all be worth it. I realize now that how much I neglected myself and my needs by always trying to appease to you. I'm just ready to close this door, move forward with my life and love myself the way I wish you had loved and cared about me. Please let me know when is a good time to get my stuff."


My response:
"I have been having similar thoughts too. It's sad because I do believe we both really do love and care for each other. And I agree. It always seems like we were just one misunderstanding from making everything work and understanding each other. When things are good I could see being with each other for life. And then one stupid thing comes up and everything goes out the window in an instant. Then we're both miserable. And stressed. And both feeling misunderstood."

Her response:
"That's very nice. I don't think there's anything else to talk about except when can I get my stuff."

My response:
"Ok. I wrote you a letter. I'm going to send to your email now. You can grab your stuff any time this week while I am at work"


I then sent this letter to her email and blocked her on my cell to initiate No Contact:

"I’m really sorry things didn’t work out with us. I am truly happy we tried again and I will always cherish our time together.

I think we both have different values in life and what we expect from our partners.

I think that staying together would just lead to more pain for both of us.

You’re an amazing person in so many ways and you have so much to offer the world. I am sure you will find your way and improve many lives in the process.

I have personally grown immensely from our time together.

Please know that this is very painful for me and I need space to heal as we go our separate ways. I hope you can respect that.

Maybe someday in the future we can be friends. I wish you nothing but the best."



She was angry and sent me the below emails:

Message 1: "Why did you do that? Why did you feel the need to make this harder? What are you trying to accomplish right now? By blocking me and sending me an email. That's not you caring, that's you trying to hurt me. Just like when you wouldn't talk to me for days. It's a form of manipulation. I wasn't rude or argumentative with you and you just made something that could have and should have been a clean break. No hard feelings into something that's messy. That was the worst way we could've ended things and you know this. Do me a favor and please stop toying with emotions and feelings. It's f***ed up."

Message 2: "What you just did was low, it was petty as f***, it was uncalled for, it was f***ed up on so many accounts. You know what you did and you know why you did it. Thank you for making this more difficult. I guess it probably makes you feel better though right?? Always thinking about yourself. "

Message 3:"Everything was fine we were both in agreed it was for the best there were no hard feelings. So please tell me Peter why you had to take it that far? Because you know my triggers and you know what I struggle with. You couldn’t just end it on a good note could you? Just had get one last trigger in. Which is crazy because you always want to put everything on me like everything is my fault. What did I do this time Peter? I’d really like to know. "

Message 4: "This is going to be my last message to you and I’m done after this. What you just did was a reflection of how unfairly you’ve treated me our whole relationship. I realize now that I can’t be upset with you it wasn't your fault I got hurt, used, and manipulated by you. It was my own fault. The only person I can blame for everything I went through in this relationship is myself. Because I stayed and I let you and I fed into it. I allowed myself to be triggered by you and I didn't love myself enough to end how unfairly I was being treated. So now I'll do just that and I won't look back once. This I promise you. "
----
I haven't responded to any of her emails. I don't think anything I did was wrong. I think I set a boundary and was very clear. I think I was respectful. If anything I think her responses are more indications that I needed to get out of this relationship and made the right decision.

Regardless, I am hurting right now and wondering if I made the right decision. Am I in the wrong here?

Some outside perspective would be appreciated. Thank you.

I dont know anything about your relationship beyond what you wrote here. But when I read her responses to your message, I couldnt help thinking, "I'm beginning to understand why he ended things the first time."

As far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong with the message you sent. I think she just wanted to have the last word and was very keen on the idea that it was all your fault things didnt work out. You spoilt that by agreeing to break up (as opposed to begging to stay together), having a more balanced and charitable opinion about why things didnt work out and expressing it, and then closing the door. Ignore her. As soon as she gets her stuff, block her wherever it is that she's sending you these messages.

And please dont second-guess yourself so much. You were right the first time you ended things. You should have stayed with that decision. And you were not wrong to do what you did this time either. So dont second-guess yourself. 

When you feel ready to date again, steer clear of people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions and don't respect your boundaries.

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, spiderowl said:

  I can understand sending a message but then blocking is like reinforcing the 'this has ended' message.  Did you really need to do that?  Surely you are both grown up enough not to bother each other from now on.

Their history suggests blocking is the way to go. She doesn't seem to have respected his wish to be left alone the first time they broke up.

[Pumpernickel]

According to what she wrote, she is very upset about something that happened & the way you "treated her" while you were together.
Do you have any idea what that could be?

And she seems angry that instead of acknowledging what you did wrong (in her eyes), you agree with her and accept the break-up as something inevitable, because you weren't "a good match". She definitely expected a different reaction from you. Something like "I am sorry I behaved the way I did", or "the way I treated you was wrong" etc. – she probably expected you to explain yourself, and maybe fight for the R. Not saying you should. Just trying to analyze her messages.    

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[elaine567]

SHE broke up with you but you turned it around so it was like you broke up with her...
As she felt mistreated and  aggrieved in the relationship, it was if you were ignoring her, right up till the end.
She couldn't even be allowed to split up with you, it had to be YOUR idea...
Give her her stuff back and leave her alone,

[BaileyB]

Relationships shouldn’t have this much drama. Time to walk away.

[ShyViolet]

I'm not sure what your question is. Obviously the two of you need to break up, and it's over.

I kind of see her point.  You sending that "one last" email was unnecessary and just too much.  It was just beating a dead horse when there was already nothing else that needed to be said.  It's like you wanted to get the last word in.  However, I do think she's totally overreacting and her outpouring of angry messages is a bit much.  It's like you each just can't be satisfied until you get the last word in.  Just leave this woman alone and do not contact her again.