Nancyblue87 Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 Hi all, my first time posting I don't know if I am in the right spot or not I seriously would like some opinions or advice I'll try to make it short. I was with my husband for 20 years (age 16-36) we split up in 2006... my 20 years with him was full of cheating , abuse -physical, mental & sexual. It was very well hidden by me, I had severe social anxiety I had low self-esteem he had found the perfect victim. My two sisters knew about it and that was it. Anyways one of the women he cheated on me with he ended up staying with, it took me about six years for him to let me go after we split before I could even start dating again. He stalked and harassed me even after we were broke up. One time in the middle of the night he broke into my house and violently raped me while my children were at his house with the other woman sleeping. I didn't call police I did nothing he got away with it. He got away with everything. He's very well liked in this town and everybody believes his lies about me. Anyway I don't care about all that anymore I believe I have moved on, I just have a problem where my adult children are concerned. They do know he was physically abusive, they seen it themselves and I do believe a family member told them not long ago that he broke in my house and raped me. Anyways I guess my problem is, that my grandson's birthday is coming up and they are having it at my ex-husband's house outside as he has a big acreage. They expect me to go. They say "the birthday party isn't about you it's about your grandson ". Yes this was 14 years ago I went thru all this abuse and trauma, but it changed me and ruined a big chunk of my life. I feel like if I go to this party it's saying what he did to me was okay. Any thoughts on a good response to my children? It's crazy they expect me to go but they have grown close to him as they've gotten older, I do believe he's changed (I sure hope so!!!) but it's too late ... for me. They say " well he's still my dad". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 I'm sorry they don't understand how difficult this would be for you, that must be hurtful. I would tell them exactly what you wrote here, that he brought trauma and destruction to your life and spending time with him would be a betrayal to yourself. Some things cannot and should not be forgotten or given a pass just because they happened some years ago. If they argue with your decision, tell them about the violent rape to make sure they do have all the information. They can choose to have a relationship with him, but as adults, and as your children, they should understand your position. Let your grandson know that you will miss sharing his party with him, but you can have your own private celebration. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) Normally, I would suggest that you put your feelings aside as best you can and do what is required for your children and your grandchildren... but, not in this case. Personally, I wouldn’t go into detail. I would assure them that he is their father and you understand why they would want him to be a part of their lives. But, the marriage was abusive (which they know) and you are unable to spend time with the man/visit his home... sadly, not even for your grandson’s birthday party. I would suggest that you will throw a separate birthday party - the child will have two birthday parties!! - and while you know it is not ideal, you ask that they try to understand and respect your feelings. As a child who loved my mother dearly, this seems like a no brainer to me. I would never want to see my mother suffer or hurt in any way. Edited April 26, 2021 by BaileyB 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 Do what's best for you. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Just tell your grandson that you can't make it to that party, but then have your own separate celebration with him. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 8 hours ago, Shelleyj71 said: I didn't call police I did nothing he got away with it. Ok. You need to change the locks and get a home security system installed. You also need to get a restraining order. Stop being manipulated by your kids. Invite them and your grandchildren separately for any events. You should not be around your assailant. It's that simple. Don't allow him to use your kids/grandkids for his abuse by proxy. Do more research on abusive. Hopefully you have gotten appropriate support and therapy for all the trauma. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 I agree. Have a separate celebration with your grandson. Stop shielding your kids from their father. If they give you grief ask them why they think it's OK to force you to spend time around your rapist? Repeat that Q as often as needed until they stop trying to force you to spend time with their monster of a father. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 Shelleyj71, Do not go. Co- parenting works, only when both side have some honer in a marriage break up. You do not have this. I do think you need to let your kids know why, as the grand kids could be at risk. As for your safety, I would suggest a firearm, and that you practice and know how to use it. (my wife is a good shot and can defend herself, so are my daughters) If you can not go this far, I suggest moving, or coming up with a way to get control of the situation. I think a large part of your issues, is your not feeling safe, and not believing you can do anything to stop this. Taking positive steps, will help. I am not saying to go wild west, but knowing you can defend yourself will help and empower you. OF course, you may live in an area that will not allow this, so take this advise only if you can put this into practice. I wish you luck.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 If your adult children know about the abuse and the rape, it is completely unreasonable for them to expect you to go to your grandson's birthday celebration at your rapist's house. Also, if they use the excuse (guilt trip) "it's about your grandchild, not you", this is also completely unreasonable of them. Since they are aware of the abuse, if I were you, I would tell each of them you will never be in the same space ever again with your abusive ex-husband and they need to respect your feelings concerning this matter. Period. Good for him, if he has changed, and he might still be their dad, but he is less than nothing to you. They should understand that. He could aspire to be Gandhi and it will never excuse what he did to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 You have the right and I would even say the personal duty to stay away. Your kids are being naive. Do they understand that abuse can lead to serious depression and even PTSD? Don't let them guilt you about the grandson. You would have to go there, be in fear, pretend you're not in fear ... and that's totally unfair to you. Don't be nice in explaining this to your kids. Be direct and blunt. Do not ask for their permission for you to skip. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) On 4/26/2021 at 1:54 AM, Shelleyj71 said: Hi all, my first time posting I don't know if I am in the right spot or not I seriously would like some opinions or advice I'll try to make it short. I was with my husband for 20 years (age 16-36) we split up in 2006... my 20 years with him was full of cheating , abuse -physical, mental & sexual. It was very well hidden by me, I had severe social anxiety I had low self-esteem he had found the perfect victim. My two sisters knew about it and that was it. Anyways one of the women he cheated on me with he ended up staying with, it took me about six years for him to let me go after we split before I could even start dating again. He stalked and harassed me even after we were broke up. One time in the middle of the night he broke into my house and violently raped me while my children were at his house with the other woman sleeping. I didn't call police I did nothing he got away with it. He got away with everything. He's very well liked in this town and everybody believes his lies about me. Anyway I don't care about all that anymore I believe I have moved on, I just have a problem where my adult children are concerned. They do know he was physically abusive, they seen it themselves and I do believe a family member told them not long ago that he broke in my house and raped me. Anyways I guess my problem is, that my grandson's birthday is coming up and they are having it at my ex-husband's house outside as he has a big acreage. They expect me to go. They say "the birthday party isn't about you it's about your grandson ". Yes this was 14 years ago I went thru all this abuse and trauma, but it changed me and ruined a big chunk of my life. I feel like if I go to this party it's saying what he did to me was okay. Any thoughts on a good response to my children? It's crazy they expect me to go but they have grown close to him as they've gotten older, I do believe he's changed (I sure hope so!!!) but it's too late ... for me. They say " well he's still my dad". The very idea that any one, especially your adult children, would expect you to go to a party with this man is ridiculous. I'm so sorry you've been through all of this and more sorry, still, that your adult children don't appear to be able to support you despite knowing what happened. I can honestly say that I would cut my dad off in a heart beat if he broke into my mother's house and violently raped her. I'm very sorry that you don't seem to have the support you need. The man is clearly dangerous and I would not go. Please do not put yourself in that position to pacify people who don't have the capacity to understand what you have been through and the trauma you have experienced. You don't owe other people anything under these circumstances and that includes an explanation Edited April 28, 2021 by Stupidkupid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 On 4/26/2021 at 8:54 AM, Nancyblue87 said: They say "the birthday party isn't about you it's about your grandson ". They are right, the party is about your grandson. The abuse is about you and the host of the party....That does not mean you have to lower your standards and be a guest at a man's house that has abused you. You have worked hard to get to the point you are now, this is not the time to back down and let him anywhere close to you. He will always be their dad and grand dad etc. no one can change that... What kind of message would it say to your family if you did go? What if you smiled a little just to please your grand child? Would your family then think you were blowing it all out of the water and he wasn't all that bad? Would they then think you were the bad one and he was the victim of your bad stories? Don't open that door.... Stand your ground. You don't have to be bitter or angry, not everyone needs to be told what he has done to you. But you have to be true to yourself, and not be bullied into doing something that is not healthy for you. The abuse after all is about you!!! PS: At some point you will likely have to deal with this, like a wedding??? Hopefully there will be only one each.... Birthdays come every year.... Link to post Share on other sites
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