Long text! I'm sceptical about our relationship are we to immature and am I toxic ?

[Depressedbride]

My bf 20x and me 20x know each other for 2 years. 6 months ago we began an relationship. It is his and also mine first relationship. He is affectionate towards me, he gives small kisses and hugs me, he do say that he loves me often. He Is the friendliest human I ever met, I can laugh with him about everything and talking also but there are many problems.

The problem with our relationship is me, him and a lack of communication.

In the same time when an incident led to the trauma I was experiencing, he was expressing his love towards me 1 year ago. So the situation, we are friends who hangout nearly every day with each other but one was in love and one traumatised and not. Im sceptical about love relationship and marriage in general and I still am. I told him before we got in a relationship of all my bad habits and how I can predict my bipolar disorder to ruin happy days for us. It was so many things I predicted and that later on really occurred. That is what really devastated me I could see it all but still broke my principle to be better of alone than wasting my youth and emotions in a relationship. I told him how important communication was for me in a relationship especially about the RS. But I'm the one when it comes to deep talk or initiating telling him about problems we need a solution for.

1. I cant expect him to be open and expressing emotions. He never talks about things that he doesn't like or can't tolerate about me. He don't tell me when there is dirt on my bottom jeans or shirt. He don't tell me what he wishes for us in the future when he knows all about me and my desires. When I hurt him accidently I wouldn't know. He says he is accepting me for who Iam but at the same time I can see him cringing on the inside, when I do things he wouldn't. I don't even care if this lead to an argument I have every freaking right as your girlfriend to know when there is something about our relationship that isn't consent with you. Why tolerate it all? 1 month ago I told him how I feel when he let's everything sink inside of him. He let it all out and it was hurtful not because of the things he said but that some things even occurred before our relationship and could have been changed by now. He said it will take time but he tries his best but still no results. 

2. I can't expect him to educate himself about the female anatomy and how victims of S.abuse are affected by this.  He has a free will. 

There were many times were I refused to have Sex or him to touch me because often times when he is caressing me he goes for erogenous zones and that led me to be afraid of his affection because it could lead to Sex and Sex is never about us just him thinking I'm good. His affection is making me sick sometimes I talked him about how I feel. He said with a smile on his face this is a phase of me and my libido will come back and that when he can support me he would be happy to do that and that he will stop doing it. I don't think at all he takes this seriously. But when we have sex and I'm in the mood I feel used afterwards. He never cares for my needs in bed I feel like a dead fish, he cums hard every time, praise me for it and me not. Yesterday I got me some sextoys from an online shop. But what is crucial, he even was as a witness in court for what had happened to me and he was also there meeting up with me illegally when I was in a mental hospital but lacks to know if I'm actually good. I don't feel like opening up to him anymore. (they just wanted to know if I told anyone and I named him so nothing special )

 

We never tounge kissed, he tries sometimes but he also never asked why I wont. He don't brush his teeth that often and sometimes it's difficult be this is something I also was traumatised by. Just that he never asks why this isn't, makes me a bit sad there many things he never said or ask about. 

 

3. I can't expect him to give me presents or my money back whenever I gave him. I am always the one planning trips to other cities or the one to buy us delicious good and drinks but never got something back. And it would be totally ok if it weren't for his female friend whom he gifts her favourite drinks,chocolate, himself new everything. He even dont gift his OWN Mother brother or sister anything. Valentines day? Never. World woman's day? Nope. Christmas? Haha. The problem with this is his mum is gifting me so much even expensive thing's. What broke my heart was a few days ago it was my birthday and I was depressed he Gratulation me but I told him I want to be alone. 1 month before this I told him about how I feel when I try to sweet his days but see no effort in him doing the same for me and he said he would buy me a flower for my birthday. Plot twist: The next day he visited me, he bought me the gift from his mother to me. But him? Nothing not even a leaf, but a new pack of 8 condoms. 

 

4.I can't expect him to let go of his female best friend. He loved her for nearly 4 years and I love them both she is also a friend of mine since I know them both but he is talking bad about her boyfriend often and I'm in general have the feeling he is still in love with her. That is the only reason he can't imagine us being old because it will be always her whom he wishes for. I know he loves me but he loves her more and unconditionally.

5.The other things are that he's lazy and often times jobless accepting money from his parents when he ist 20x old. 

I work till I die and he doesn't even try to go to the other room in HIS home to find me a big towel so I can shower. I got one hand towel but not for the entire body, just the one u use drying hands or hair.

 

6.How can I expect him to cut his eyes and genitals off when he flirts and communicate with female strangers online? I talked 2 times with him about that and why I dont like that. He doesn't seem to understand my point but I totally understand his points. A relationship can get boring and there are so many beautiful people out there (shout out to you the reader) I understand but he follows them on social media afterwards and likes every photo of them. I never posted a pic on instagram before and it's not often that he calls me beautiful so fck yeah I am insecure and start losing confidence when they all are a mix of me and his female best friend not only clothes or size but even personality traits we have in common. I ca n t tell him that when this conversation occur he will tell me it's my problem and it is true. He even have a camera but don't encourage me to step out of the comfort zone recently I was making a joke about exactly that and he said I'm not a model type.

7.The biggest hurt was when we were deep talking and he told me about how he think about us: I think our relationship is going to end anyways so we should enjoy the time we have now.

8. WITH ALL THAT I TRY TO ACCEPT AND I TALK IT OUT BUT I FEEL UNHEARD. THE THING IS SOMETHINGS HAPPENS I TRY TO ACT NORMAL BUT DEEP INSIDE IM HURT SO SOMETIMES I START TO BEHAVE BIRCH AND NAG SO WHEN A FEW DAYS ARE OVER I TRY TO TALK. IM NAGGING AT HIM FOR THE SMALLEST THING BECAUSE HE DISSAPOINTS ME. 

We both love each other but there are already so many problems. Should I go to see a therapist and try to get the relationship going or end it and still see a therapist ? 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Oh, my! You are a bride? Trying to understand if this is your husband or boyfriend you're writing about. From all you've written I see nothing nice or attractive about him. I think I'd break up with him and find someone else.

What do you like about him?

 

[Depressedbride]

No I'm his girlfriend. 

33 minutes ago, Depressedbride said:

. He is affectionate towards me, he gives small kisses and hugs me, he do say that he loves me often. He Is the friendliest human I ever met, I can laugh with him about everything and talking also. He was there when I had hard times.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Depressedbride said:

  I can predict my bipolar disorder to ruin happy days for us. he was also there meeting up with me illegally when I was in a mental hospital 

Why not take a break from the stress of a relationship like this?

See your psychiatrist and therapist to make sure your mental health is being treated.

[d0nnivain]

He's not a good guy. 

You were friends 1st & now you are dating.  You have bi-polar disorder & I think I understood you to say that you are a sexual trauma survivor.  If you have never had therapy for those things, get some ASAP. 

As for the rest of it, that is why he's not a good BF. 

1.  He doesn't communicate. If you know when you screw up but he just keeps it inside & seethes you know eventually it will blow up. 

2.  He's not a generous person.  No gifts or treating you to a date.  You do all the planning work & the paying.  He treats everybody else this way except some girl who he classifies as his best friend.  When your partner has an opposite sex friend who pre-dates your relationship, I usually recommend finding a way to make peace but here he's treating her better than you. That can't be.   I suppose you could talk to her since you two are friends too & her why she thinks he treats her better than you & his family but in the end it doesn't matter.  He's just not a kind man.  

3. While generally liking things on social media is nothing, you are extremely upset by this behavior. His refusal to curtail it for the sake of your feelings evidences a lack of caring. 

All in all he's not good for you.  You are not immature but you are damaged.  Anybody would be after what you went through.  Dating this toxic boy is not good for you.  

You also have to readjust your expectations around a relationship.  You are going to have to work through your trauma to be able to tongue kiss your SO & eventually have sex.  Sex is part of marriage.  As for marriage, even though you knew your BF for 2 years & have been dating for 6 month, at 20 years old marriage is not on the horizon.  Get it out of your head.  Finish your education.  Get settled in a career.  Put a financial foundation under yourself.  Then you can worry about marriage, after age 25 or so but not now.  

[smackie9]

He's not for you.....as the saying goes, stop beating a dead horse. This why we date. To see if they treat us the way we want to be treated, get along really well, work as a team, little to no struggle, good trust, lots of fun and happiness. You don't have much of any of this, and that means you should cut your losses because not everyone is going to have a successful relationship, nor can you force it to make it one.

Relationships teach us many things, like what we expect, want and need. It prepares us for marriage. It gives us the ability to solve problems, and communicate within the relationship.

I suggest you have a few relationships under your belt before considering marriage. You have plenty of years ahead of you to gain this experience.

Edited April 28, 2021 by smackie9