Newly wed mother in law problems

[Newlywed07]

Part 1. Got married in December after postponing for 3 times due to Covid. Moved into my in-laws and seeking reassurance here to find out whether I’m being too sensitive or not? Background: I’m a Hindu Gujarati and my husband is a Hindu Punjabi. On my first weekend of moving in. I was told I should clean my brother in laws and downstairs toilet and I should knock if he is in there to go in his bathroom to get his bath mats to wash them when I’m going to wash mine. He is 7 years older than me. She’s told me to go upstairs and wear earrings, shouldn’t wear joggers in the house in case a visitor arrives ( it’s covid times!!!) and that for her older sons wedding she will not buy his future wife any Indian clothes, as I’ve never worn any of the stuff she’s brought me (despite it being covid times and me already telling her I do not want anything, as I’m a simple and an independent woman!) She’s told me that weekends are for me to sort out the cooking and will say “ I have not made anything. What will you make today?” It’s been 4 months and I’ve not cooked with her once. My anxiety in the kitchen is always out of the roof! I’m very much into healthy eating and exercising and she’s told me several times you do not eat enough, my son has lost so much weight, you are so thin and slim and once made me change into a blouse in front of her and she told me I’m too small around my breast area. She told me I don’t know my own breast size and I can’t be the size I said I was. As a result, I’m body conscious now and it makes me feel like I’m not womanly enough. She’s cried to me and my husband saying we don’t spend time with her (I work in a very stressful environment, we have a dog and I have to cook) where do I have the time!? Where do I even have time for me? Now I’m conscious of spending too much time away from her, I’m on edge because she says I don’t talk much and I’m so anxious around her because she’s told me so many times I’m a young girl who doesn’t know anything. We are Newly weds and can’t do anything, as it is. My sister in law once came over to stay, everyone was in the living room all day, during the day, I was working and as soon as I finished she said start cleaning and mopping the floor. My sister in law has spoken to her once at this is not the right approach, my husband has spoken to her 2xs and I’ve spoken to her about how she’s made me feel. But I don’t feel anything will change, as the damage is done right now. We had a plan to stay here 2-3 years but I want to move out next year, as my mental health is compromised. I can’t imagine what she’d be like around my future babies, if I started a family here. Maybe im being too sensitive but 4 months, leaving a home where you are the goddess to then be spoken and treated like the opposite and moving out for the first time.. ever? Husband is now sick of talking about how I feel and says he is shocked at what has happened and how I’m reacting. Need advice and reassurance. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure how much help I can be because there are cultural issues at play her that I don't understand. 

You live in her house so to some extent her rules govern.  Do you & your husband have to live there?  If you can move out, I suggest doing that. Don't wait 2 years. 

If you can't talk to your husband about his expectations & get him to talk to his mother on your behalf.  He can't just sit around being shocked. He has to be the go between to help you & his mother co-exist.  She shouldn't treat you like a slave or house maid. 

What does your own mother say about all of this?  If you have brothers, how does how your mother treat their wives & how does this compare to how you are being treated? 

Why is your anxiety so high in the kitchen?  You can get better with cooking with practice.  I improved my own cooking in Covid.  Can you sit with your MIL & meal plan together?  Maybe you can convince her to take turns.  You cook one week.  She cooks the next or some other schedule that works for you both.  There's no need for you to be body conscious.  Her opinion about your weight is her opinion.  It's not gospel from on high.  What she thinks doesn't matter.  You go on eating healthy if that is your preference.  When it's your turn to cook lighten up the menu.  If you are making tasty food just don't tell people that it's healthy & they will be happy to eat it. Unless you constantly call attention to it, most people will be happy to eat a tasty meal no matter whether it's good for you or not.  

With respect to the division of chores have you ever asked your mother how she expects you to attend to your job, deal with the chores she has saddled you with AND spend time with her.  Ask her to prioritize chores over socializing.  Perhaps that will jar her into seeing how unreasonable she's being. 

As for the shoes, wear what you like & remind her that it only takes a moment to change your shoes.  If someone pops by, she cn greet the guest while you slip off to change out of your joggers. Promise not to embarrass her.  It's a stupid thing & she shouldn't care about it but since she does, give her this dopey victory so she still feels heard while you win the major battles like division of chores. 

[Newlywed07]

Thank you for your reply. 
He has talked to her, my sister in law has and so have I. But the same things keep happening. 
Anxiety in the kitchen is high due to her expectations. She’s thrown my food in the bin behind my back and I’ve always been told I’m a good cook, which I can’t see anymore. She said she wants me to take full responsibility to cook over the weekends and wants to just rest, so she won’t help cook and doesn’t want to. It’s her first time being a mother in law. She has backwards views of women do everything and men do nothing.

[vla1120]

I'm also at a bit of a loss because of the cultural differences. My first idea would be to do whatever you need to do to move out and into your own place as quickly as possible.  Is it possible some of the differences are because you are Gujarati and she is Punjabi? You said you've never cooked with her in the kitchen. Perhaps this could be where you get a little bonding time with her. Ask her to show you some of her secrets. Since you do spend a lot of time in the house with her, perhaps you could wear some of the clothing she purchased for you. In my culture, I would tend not to worry about what my mother-in-law thinks or says and I would do as I please, but if it would make your life easier to try to get on her better side, perhaps there is no harm in giving in a little in some areas that might please her. 

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, Newlywed07 said:

Thank you for your reply. 
He has talked to her, my sister in law has and so have I. But the same things keep happening. 
Anxiety in the kitchen is high due to her expectations. She’s thrown my food in the bin behind my back and I’ve always been told I’m a good cook, which I can’t see anymore. She said she wants me to take full responsibility to cook over the weekends and wants to just rest, so she won’t help cook and doesn’t want to. It’s her first time being a mother in law. She has backwards views of women do everything and men do nothing.

Ouch. In this case, it's possible there is nothing you could do to please her, and your main priority should be to concentrate on moving out on your own with your husband as soon as humanly possible. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Newlywed07 said:

Anxiety in the kitchen is high due to her expectations. She’s thrown my food in the bin behind my back and I’ve always been told I’m a good cook, which I can’t see anymore. She said she wants me to take full responsibility to cook over the weekends and wants to just rest, so she won’t help cook and doesn’t want to. It’s her first time being a mother in law. She has backwards views of women do everything and men do nothing.

Stop having anxiety.  Easier said then done but screw her.  It's the reverse of when you were little & your mom told you to clean your plate.  She eats what you make or she doesn't.  Not your problem.  You did your part.  You made the weekend meals. 

If you already know she's behind the times regarding gender rolls.  You are not going to change her.  Just accept that she's stuck in her ways.  Feel sorry for her & work around her.  She's probably acting out like this out of fear.  The world is changing & she's being left behind.  She resents that so tries to assert what little power she has over you in an attempt to remain relevant.  

Repeat after me;  My MIL is an inconsequential dinosaur.  That's all you can do until you can move out.   You & your husband will have to establish good boundaries when the kiddos come along but do let them have a relationship with their grandmother.  She will be a great source to preserve their culture & heritage.  

[glows]

I would ignore her comments about the food and don't oblige her if she wants to inspect your body. Tell her that there's something else in the kitchen that needs looking after or remind her of her own duties as MIL (whatever she usually does routinely). It's disrespectful the way she has treated you. Learn to deflect and move past the disagreements without making them worse. You are no longer as independent as you once were. You're now married so I think it would be best to get away from that thinking and see yourself as part of the family. If there are some things you won't do like washing your BIL's mats, leave them and don't touch them. He can walk or sit on his dirty mat until he has time to wash it himself. 

If she wants you to cook on the weekends, let her know what you're willing to do or help out with. Is there any hired help also for the housework or is it falling mostly on you and her to do the cooking? Work out some schedule with her where you can shadow her cooking if you're interested in learning OR if she wishes that you cook, she STAYS OUT of the kitchen or on the periphery. She's not to meddle if you're in charge of the cooking or food. You don't have to be explicit, rude or disrespectful but remain calm and collected. 

She'll figure out that you are willing to negotiate or work with her but you won't be bossed around. This is between you and the MIL and you moved into their house so unfortunately you'll have to work this out until your husband and you decide to move out (if that ever happens). 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

 Got married in December. I’m a Hindu Gujarati and my husband is a Hindu Punjabi. 

Sorry this is happening. Is this an arranged marriage? What do your parents think of all this?

Was it understood beforehand that you would live with your husbands family and look after all of them?

Is it allowed in your culture for you to live on your own or with your parents rather than his?

Edited April 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Newlywed07]

No it wasn’t an arranged marriage. 
yesterday she said she will eat what I’ve made but after she asked me if I wanted a curry with the English food I made I said it won’t go and then she said ‘I won’t eat your food because You won’t eat what I’ve made’ (I made English food & she wanted me to eat a curry with it, which doesn’t go!). My husband said to her she was rude and unreasonable for that, as everyone has their preferences. It doesn’t mean bad! She then told me how to be in a family, how her dreams are all broken with me, how I should be understanding, how I should say yes to eating her food (which I have anyway before!) to please her even if I don’t want it. She said I shouldn’t tell my husband things like this because then he shouts & gets angry at her (we’ve spoken to her in total 5xs now) and I should be more understanding as I’m a woman. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Newlywed07

[Acacia98]

Sorry, but given the way you describe your psychological state, I dont see any way to navigate this beyond moving out with your husband or leaving the marriage. If you were more resilient, you might be able to wait out the stressful period. But you sound like you've reached your limit. And your husband, though somewhat supportive, also seems powerless in the bigger picture.

Before you do anything drastic, though, if you can, try to get some counselling. You need what support you can get from someone who understands the family set-up in your community.

Edited May 2, 2021 by Acacia98

[BaileyB]

I respect the fact that there are cultural issues at play here, but I could not live in this kind of situation.

I would be looking for somewhere else to live, only because this would affect my mental health, my relationship with my husband, and likely his relationship with his mother. I don’t mention my relationship with his mother because I could never have a close relationship with this woman. I would try to leave before things get worse. 

[d0nnivain]

Sounds like your MIL is deeply lonely & had unreasonable expectations around you.  She was hoping you would be a MiniMe to her, somebody who could prop up her failing or non-existent self esteem.  It's not your responsibility but when you didn't, she lashed out.  

Until you can move out as a way to keep the peace, be very solicitous & complementary to her.  Yes, I am advocating that you fake it & sort of lie.  Offer her a cheerful greeting every morning.  If she does anything that you even kind of sort of like (or at least don't hate) compliment her.  Find something to praise about her meals.   The answer to the latest thing was "Oh no MIL.  I couldn't possibly put curry on this meal.  It would overpower all the flavors you created."   Do something lovely & a bit over the top for her for Mother's Day.  

Learn the art of blarney.  On my honeymoon the tour company took all of us to this dinner & a show place where the couple who owned it were so sweet but the food was disgusting.  When they came around to clear the plates asking how everything was, people didn't know what to say.  There was a lot of mumbling.  Again the food was so bad but the couple was sooooo nice.  Hurting their feelings would have been akin to kicking a puppy.  When they got to me, I smiled sweetly & said "it was just like grandma used to make."  The couple beamed in happiness.  Everyone else at our table of 10 glared at me.  My new husband chuckled & when the woman was out of earshot said "wasn't your grandmother one of the worst cooks in the world?"  I smiled & said "yes she was so I told the God's honest truth to that woman; she just misinterpreted it as a compliment."  The whole table laughed & stopped hating me because I didn't lie to the hostess.  

Your MIL is not going to change.  All I want for you is peace until you & your husband can get out of there & into your own home.  

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sounds like your MIL is deeply lonely & had unreasonable expectations around you.  She was hoping you would be a MiniMe to her, somebody who could prop up her failing or non-existent self esteem.

It sounds to me like she has difficulty respecting boundaries. 

While I would normally suggest that it would be best to do what you can to be respectful and keep the peace in the family, this seems pretty extreme. 

It sounds like her husband has tried to step in, but culture among other things make it difficult for him. I think the only solution is separation, to keep these relationships intact. Remember, someday you will have children and that will be a whole different level of interference. Time to set some boundaries now.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

@BaileyB  I agree with you.  But boundaries haven't worked so far.  Digging in will make it worse.  The OPs husband is standing up to his mother.  It will take time for the couple to move out. My pacifism is about keeping the peace while they house hunt.  It's easier to enforce boundaries when they have their own house.  In the MIL's house they can't do much.   It's really about the art of war: keep your friends close but your enemies (MIL) closer.  

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My pacifism is about keeping the peace while they house hunt. 

Got ya! Yes, it will be much easier to enforce boundaries when living separately. 

[Newlywed07]

Thank you all for your responses. 
my husband thinks moving out is an overreaction. Says he’ll do it for me but thinks that this isn’t a boiling point and that what’s happened has happened and that it could get better. I disagree. It’s been 4 months and she’s too involved. I woke up with a nightmare about her this morning. He said he’ll do what he has to do for me but struggling to see why he doesn’t get it or says stuff like it’s an overreaction. When I’ve not even caused this??? His mum has. Why should I submit & put up with it??? It’s clearly ruining the marriage & my mental health!!

Edited May 3, 2021 by Newlywed07

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

. Says he’ll do it for me 

Excellent. Start looking for places to live.

You two have outgrow living with parents and it's time to live as adults and as your own family.

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

My husband thinks moving out is an overreaction. Says he’ll do it for me.....

Tell him he's not just doing it for you, he's doing it for your marriage and that should be more important than appeasing his mother.

[d0nnivain]

Moving out in a huff in the next few days without a clear plan of what to do next might be an over reaction but to move in a orderly fashion is just what you need.  Happy planning.   

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

my husband thinks moving out is an overreaction. Says he’ll do it for me but thinks that this isn’t a boiling point

Why wait until things get to the boiling point? 
At that point, important relationships are lost. Why not be proactive and make the decision to protect those relationships now?

That would be my response to your husband’s comments...

[Newlywed07]

Really struggling with my well-being. I’ve been dreaming about my MIL and I’m really hurt by all her actions and comments. My husband says I should take ownership of how I feel and stop saying she’s ruining how I feel and our marriage. He’s said I’ve had nightmares before. But I’ve said not about her. I’m struggling to now see if what I’m feeling is valid or not? Feel really sensitive and he says I’ve always been too sensitive and always been too impacted by things. His ideal situation is stay at his house for longer but I can’t. And I feel guilty and bad for saying I can’t. I don’t know what to do

[Acacia98]

37 minutes ago, Newlywed07 said:

Really struggling with my well-being. I’ve been dreaming about my MIL and I’m really hurt by all her actions and comments. My husband says I should take ownership of how I feel and stop saying she’s ruining how I feel and our marriage. He’s said I’ve had nightmares before. But I’ve said not about her. I’m struggling to now see if what I’m feeling is valid or not? Feel really sensitive and he says I’ve always been too sensitive and always been too impacted by things. His ideal situation is stay at his house for longer but I can’t. And I feel guilty and bad for saying I can’t. I don’t know what to do

Well, it's easy for him to say that. He's lived with her his whole life. So he has had a lifetime of preparation for this experience.

In addition, his position in the household is not quite the same as yours. He's basically the beloved son, and you are at the bottom of the totem-pole: an "outsider", the "despised" daughter-in-law.

His telling you it's not so bad is kinda like the CEO of a company (earning a 5-figure salary with benefits) telling the janitor (who happens to earn minimum wage with no benefits) that working for the company is not so bad.

Edited May 9, 2021 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

Take an active role in looking for a new place to live.  When you find it show it to DH & light a fire under his butt to move.   

[Newlywed07]

Thank you all. I’m trying to take a new outlook and remember that living here is only temporarily, as we are moving out next year. She doesn’t say thank you when I cook for her and her husband or comment on it and although this is upsetting I’m trying to let it go. She’s now saying we should cook together and said I shouldn’t have made lunch alone yesterday. But I wouldn’t wait until her to come @2pm to then start. She even said to me yesterday I should start touching her feet as she’s a mother in law... 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Newlywed07

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

 living here is only temporarily, as we are moving out next year. I should start touching her feet as she’s a mother in law... 

Yes get out on your own asap.

What is the significance of feet touching in her culture?