Newly wed mother in law problems

[Newlywed07]

To show respect. But it very much came across as a dig.  
 

But my father in law has said stop touching our feet, as we are all equal and I’m a part of the family now. 

[d0nnivain]

Listen to your Father in Law.  You are not her servant.  You are not beneath your MIL.  

How's the house hunting going? 

[Newlywed07]

It makes me feel like I am so much beneath her and to be honest she was so loving before marriage and I feel guilty for not seeing her in a positive way, as she is my husband's mother. I feel on edge around her thinking what will she say. Worried about what she will think and say when we move out. She will think it is all my fault and I took her son away. 

There is nothing on the market due to covid and if we leave to move into any house they will think we are leaving abruptly. So we have planned to look for a house in Dec 2020/Jan 2021 and save even more money. This wasn't our plan - we had planned to have children here and be here for at least 2-3 years. But the thought of that gives me anxiety, as I know she would be so controlling over my children and my pregnancy. I would be happy to get pregnant here but move out before the baby is born. 

 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Newlywed07 said:

So we have planned to look for a house in Dec 2020/Jan 2021 and save even more money.

Did you mean Dec 2021/Jan 2022? I don't think you should wait that long. While it is favorable to be able to save money over that period of time, I'm not sure your marriage (or your mental health) can deal with this situation for that long. I know my mental health wouldn't last that long! You cannot worry about whether your mother-in-law will blame you for taking away her son. Your priority should be the health of your marriage and she is causing you too much stress. You're right, it will be even worse when you are pregnant and have children. 

If this situation has not improved since your original post, I would start looking for an alternative living situation as soon as possible.

[Newlywed07]

Thank you for your messages. 
I mean in 5-6 months we will look as there’s nothing good on the market right now. And my husband doesn’t want to leave ASAP. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Newlywed07

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Newlywed07 said:

I mean in 5-6 months we will look as there’s nothing good on the market right now. And my husband doesn’t want to leave ASAP. 

The real estate market moves fast.  You need to have alerts set up on the big sites.  It took us over a year to buy our last house because things kept getting scooped up.  I bought my 1st house in a weekend but those days are long gone.  You can't be waiting 5-6 months to start looking especially since you are miserable now.  

[Newlywed07]

We are looking and it feels nice. But I can’t stop feeling so guilty, so bad and so anxious. 
2 weeks ago there was a gathering at my mums house, she told my sister in laws mother in law that ‘now a days you can’t say anything to girls. In our time we just moved in, adjusted and completely changed to the new families rules, values and ways of living.’ I’m her only DIL and I was sitting right there, it felt a complete dig. She then said ‘when it comes to the older son’s time to get married, I’m not going to buy any clothes for the wife, she can choose it herself, as girls just say yes yes I’ll wear it. But they don’t and they waste money’ I told her before the wedding, I’m not materialistic I don’t view love through presents and I’ve worn one of her traditional outfits, not all because it’s covid and it’s lockdown, there are no parties and she’s given me party clothes etc. I feel I’m not good enough for her, I’ve tried so much, never said anything back and acted normal despite what she’s said. I feel I’ve done so much already, which is never appreciated and I just feel so s***. I feel so anxious around her, thinking what next and worrying what she will say and say I’ve taken her son away when we move out and tell them we are looking. ESP because she’s even said she wants me to give them grandchildren (we’ve just been married 7 months) and thinks and expects I will have babies here. 
 

After coming back from my mums, she compares me to her daughter saying ‘ she’s perfect now. She’s fully adjusted in her own home with her inlaws’

 

There’s days I think you are being respectful in your own way, her expectations are different and I can’t change for her. But then there’s days, more often than not, I’m so anxious, shaking, legs are shaking and I have heart palpitations, thinking what next. 

Edited June 28, 2021 by Newlywed07

[vla1120]

Ugh. I am sorry you are having to live like this. You really have to evaluate what is going to be best for your marriage. If she has decided she is NOT going to like nor accept you, then there is probably not much of anything YOU can do to change that. It seems to me like you're already doing much more than I would ever have done to be accepted by her, and yet, she talks about you not "properly" adjusting, as if you're not sitting right there listening! If it had been me, I would have been inclined to say "Well, in your time, women were oppressed and knew to keep their mouths shut and obey their husband. This is 2021." But I suppose that would be out of line in your culture. 

Is your husband understanding of your predicament? Does he support moving out on your own? Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel when you are finally able to move out on your own? I hope so. 

[Els]

I am a bit confused. Presumably you have met her before getting married, yes? Why then was this not discussed before getting married, why did you not make it a requirement that both of you should live by yourselves if you got married?

Do NOT have kids before this is resolved and you have moved out. That will only make you more vulnerable and more dependent on your husband and by extension your MIL.

I'm not from exactly the same culture as you, but I am from one that is fairly similar in some ways. I have seen this happen to numerous women. I have, however, escaped it myself because I made it quite clear before I got married that I wouldn't put up with anything like this. We live apart from both sets of parents.

You don't have to put up with this just because of your culture.

[Newlywed07]

Really don’t see an end to my feelings right now. I feel so lost. So lost. 
I knew what she was like before, as we’ve met on several occasions and she never ever showed me she would be like this. Never thought in a million years, that’d be going through this and thinking I’m not good enough. She was so loving before, told me how modern she is and I’m just so lost. So lost. 

Edited June 28, 2021 by Newlywed07

[glows]

I dislike saying this but if it's causing you this much anxiety and debilitating mental health issues you should be speaking about this with your husband and devising a way to move out. Failing that, unfortunately this isn't exclusively a MIL issue. It's a problem in your marriage where you're constantly and systematically isolated from family and your own spouse. I think you should think through this carefully and what it means for your future. Your husband may be part of the problem if he's not willing to listen to you as his wife and work on your future together. Both of you should support each other not isolate one another. 

This marriage has all kinds of red flags on it and I don't think it's exclusively about your mother in law. I'm sorry to say that. 

[MsJayne]

On 5/23/2021 at 5:44 PM, Newlywed07 said:

She even said to me yesterday I should start touching her feet as she’s a mother in law... 

Sounds like it's gone far enough and unless you're living in 1800's India, and it's a cultural norm that you can't escape from, she needs to be told to stop with the abuse. Given her anachronistic attitude towards her sons wife, and the lack of intelligence that it indicates, I say you should refuse to touch her feet and explain that you do not consider her either wise or knowledgeable. My guess is that she probably has never had an education and is extremely ignorant and dismissive of modern values. She is in the wrong and is being abusive towards you. It's one thing to respect your host and your in-laws, completely another to be subjected to daily denigration, likely motivated by jealousy and spite. Can you move back to your parents home until your husband is ready to move out of his mothers house?  You need to make a stand now or otherwise this foolish woman will be making your life hell even after you move out of her house. 

[Els]

16 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

Really don’t see an end to my feelings right now. I feel so lost. So lost. 
I knew what she was like before, as we’ve met on several occasions and she never ever showed me she would be like this. Never thought in a million years, that’d be going through this and thinking I’m not good enough. She was so loving before, told me how modern she is and I’m just so lost. So lost. 

If your husband sees nothing wrong with this, then perhaps it is time to start bringing out the divorce card. I don't usually suggest this, but I am aware that in your culture, as in mine, divorce is extremely stigmatized and most people will go to huge lengths to prevent it. It's possible that the mere thought of their family being "shamed" like this might get your husband and his mother to start treating you like an actual human being and not their slave.

Source: I know someone who did this and it "worked" - at least to the extent that she wasn't in hell every day. Her husband finally made his mother move out.

Edited June 29, 2021 by Elswyth

[Newlywed07]

40 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

If your husband sees nothing wrong with this, then perhaps it is time to start bringing out the divorce card. I don't usually suggest this, but I am aware that in your culture, as in mine, divorce is extremely stigmatized and most people will go to huge lengths to prevent it. It's possible that the mere thought of their family being "shamed" like this might get your husband and his mother to start treating you like an actual human being and not their slave.

Source: I know someone who did this and it "worked" - at least to the extent that she wasn't in hell every day. Her husband finally made his mother move out.

My husband sees wrong and says she has been very unreasonable. He said he would like to speed up the process of moving out, as he understands how hard it is for me. We just need to think through what to say to my inlaws. He is suggesting we say the truth, which is we are struggling and have found it very hard but I know this will break a relationship. I would much rather we say we have saved money due to not having a lavish wedding, as covid and restrictions hit and that we are just using that money to plan for the future, as goal posts have now changed. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Newlywed07 said:

We just need to think through what to say to my inlaws. 

"We found a place". No drama, no heavy explanations, etc. You two are a married couple and should have had your own place long ago.

[Newlywed07]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

"We found a place". No drama, no heavy explanations, etc. You two are a married couple and should have had your own place long ago.

Need to find a place. There’s nothing on the market. I’m just struggling so much today. Mentally can’t cope and then scared that I’m over exaggerating. I’m lost. I’m so hopeless. Thinking if it was anyone else, they would have coped. But I’m not coping. 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Newlywed07

[Wiseman2]

On 6/28/2021 at 5:55 AM, Newlywed07 said:

I’m so anxious, shaking, legs are shaking and I have heart palpitations, thinking what next. 

Is this an arranged marriage?  Are you expected to live with the husband's family and care for them?

Why can't you live with your family if you claim money is the issue? 

Surely you can move out and find something affordable to rent for a while? 

 

 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Newlywed07]

Over the weekend I was with her alone and my husbands auntie. I was in the kitchen with them cooking and I left to see to my dog. I walked in and they were whispering about something and stopped. My mother in law turned away and immediately I thought it was about me. 
My husband saw I was upset when he came home and I told him. I told him to not say anything, as I’m so fed up. I went to have a shower and he called her saying why was she gossiping about me, she’s been having digs at me for the last few weeks. She said they were not whispering and they were not digs. And that she should be able to have normal Convos without me taking it personally. 
I was really upset that he told her, as I knew what it meant. I had to confront her about it, which I did the next morning. She said why did you think that, I know you hate me, you filled my sons ear up with crap about me, I will never forget this, he doesn’t even hug me anymore, he was never like this before marriage, saying I don’t even touch her feet anymore and say hello from distant, you can’t even adjust when I had to adjust. She even said she’s on edge around me, as she doesn’t want to upset me. I said I’m sorry I made a mistake but everything that’s happened at the beginning has now made me feel on edge and on guard. And she said what even happened in the beginning, I know you are not happy, if you guys want to go and leave just go. I said i just wanted an extra opinion, which is why I told him. It wasn’t for him to come to you and I’m sorry I made a mistake. The next day I hugged her and said I’m sorry I made a mistake. And she said I’ll never forget this. And I’m thinking she sees me as a home wrecker. A bad daughter in law and I’m struggling to sleep. I’ve been up every single hour last night. I have no idea what to do now. I’m so lost. Only time I’m at peace is when I’m asleep. It’s almost like she’s forgotten and not realised what she’s caused at the beginning for me to be on edge and saying I’ve changed her son. 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Newlywed07

[S2B]

You need to move ASAP.

she’s disrespecting you and has no boundaries…which causes you harm.

if your husband can’t see how you feel that way then see a counselor together.

Edited July 6, 2021 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

I had to confront her about it, which I did the next morning. She said why did you think that, I know you hate me, you filled my sons ear up with crap about me

Your life would be a lot easier if you stopped creating drama in her house. 

Get your own place and stop forcing  your husband to be the referee in her house with your drama..

Get a second job, find an apt or go live with your parents. But stop the war in her house.

Edited July 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Newlywed07]

Fast forward… we have had a house offer accepted. Finally… but fingers crossed, as anything can happen. Been married for 16 months now. And I’m reliving everything that has happened. I have so much resentment and anger towards her. I’m so angry at her. I’m struggling with my MH and I feel stupid that it’s impacted me this much. I’m dreaming about her so very often, I’m constantly ruminating about what’s happened. I am struggling… so much. The other day my head wouldn’t stop reliving every event that I looked at the window thinking what life would be like if I just jumped. Then all those thoughts would just thought. All the reliving would just stop. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Newlywed07 said:

The other day my head wouldn’t stop reliving every event that I looked at the window thinking what life would be like if I just jumped.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Suicidal ideation is a medical emergency.. Call a free mental health hotline for support and help finding appropriate care.

Don't make it about the MIL, especially since you are living with her for financial reasons.

[Newlywed07]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Suicidal ideation is a medical emergency.. Call a free mental health hotline for support and help finding appropriate care.

Don't make it about the MIL, especially since you are living with her for financial reasons.

What do you mean don’t make it about the MIL? She is the reason why things have been so hard. 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

Fast forward… we have had a house offer accepted. Finally… but fingers crossed, as anything can happen. Been married for 16 months now. And I’m reliving everything that has happened. I have so much resentment and anger towards her. I’m so angry at her. I’m struggling with my MH and I feel stupid that it’s impacted me this much. I’m dreaming about her so very often, I’m constantly ruminating about what’s happened. I am struggling… so much. The other day my head wouldn’t stop reliving every event that I looked at the window thinking what life would be like if I just jumped. Then all those thoughts would just thought. All the reliving would just stop. 

I hope everything goes well with the house. I know how things can go awry when buying a house, since I went through it last year. Fingers crossed, everything goes well for you. If it does not, however, the best thing you can do is get OUT of in-laws' house. Even if you rented a room in another families house, it would be better than dealing with your current situation. If everything goes well with the house, you'll have plenty to keep you busy. In that case, keep a low profile around your MIL, be pleasant when you are in her presence and let everything roll off your back. Do not obsess about what happened in the past. As you can see, it does nothing but cause problems for you. If the house falls through for any reason, you should start looking for alternative living arrangements immediately. 

[Els]

6 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

Fast forward… we have had a house offer accepted. Finally… but fingers crossed, as anything can happen. Been married for 16 months now. And I’m reliving everything that has happened. I have so much resentment and anger towards her. I’m so angry at her. I’m struggling with my MH and I feel stupid that it’s impacted me this much. I’m dreaming about her so very often, I’m constantly ruminating about what’s happened. I am struggling… so much. The other day my head wouldn’t stop reliving every event that I looked at the window thinking what life would be like if I just jumped. Then all those thoughts would just thought. All the reliving would just stop. 

While I'm sure your MIL is as terrible a person as you make her out to be, I'm not sure why you don't seem to understand your and your husband's role in allowing this to carry on for so long.

You are both legal adults. If both of you had actually WANTED to leave, nobody could have stopped you. Heck, if even just YOU wanted to leave, nobody could have stopped you. You have only yourselves to blame for remaining in this toxic situation for so long. Just so you're aware, you're not the only couple facing a volatile housing market. Do you think all the rest of us are living with our MILs? You could take an extra job, you could move out and rent a house, heck you could even live in a trailer, your car, or in a homeless shelter if you really needed to. You just chose not to. That was your choice.

I hope you get the house, but what are you going to do if the offer falls through? Just carry on like this, making yourself miserable?

Please take ownership and accountability over your own life.