I will never get married again. why do people get upset when I say this?

[Toothgirl2]

I have been married nearly 20 years. I am now of the firm belief that unless you are having children, there is simply no need for marriage. I think being in a loveless marriage is self-made prison and I believe it can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. But society has these rules and people have their opinions on this matter. My parents stayed together in a miserable marriage, and now I am doing the same. Once my children leave the home, I need to leave if I am ever to be happy. We just coexist, like roommates. No arguments, no passion, just apathy. I get happy when he leaves the house, or when I see that his car is not in the garage. I wear a mask. I make nice. I make dinner, I do laundry, I watch TV shows with him. I am simply doing time. The movie Shawshank Redemption resonates with me. I am Andy Dufresne...chipping at my wall...just biding my time.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Toothgirl2 said:

I will never get married again. why do people get upset when I say this?

Just curious who is getting upset by this? You can divorce when your kids are grown, as you mentioned.

[Happy Lemming]

Watching my parents' marriage was one of the reasons I decided to NEVER GET MARRIED!!  I am 55 (male) and have been happily single my whole adult life.

I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 9.5 years.  She is divorced and never wants to get re-married.  We stay together because we are happy and enjoy each other, not because we signed a piece of paper or a societal norm that says we have to or finances that dictate that we must stay together.

I think there is a lid for every pot.  If for some reason the lid warps and doesn't fit that pot, go get another lid.  The beauty of being single is so simple and freeing.  I have no idea why society frowns upon it, but I really don't care about societal norms or what other people think.

In the end, you'll find your "happy".  How much longer until the children will be grown and off to college??

[Alfano]

I'd never get married again either. Most women I've met are understanding even if it's something they want.

The general trend is less people are getting married because they're getting smarter and realize marriage is a failed concept.

 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Watching my parents' marriage was one of the reasons I decided to NEVER GET MARRIED!!  I am 55 (male) and have been happily single my whole adult life.

I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 9.5 years.  She is divorced and never wants to get re-married.  We stay together because we are happy and enjoy each other, not because we signed a piece of paper or a societal norm that says we have to or finances that dictate that we must stay together.

I think there is a lid for every pot.  If for some reason the lid warps and doesn't fit that pot, go get another lid.  The beauty of being single is so simple and freeing.  I have no idea why society frowns upon it, but I really don't care about societal norms or what other people think.

In the end, you'll find your "happy".  How much longer until the children will be grown and off to college??

I'm divorced and will never marry again.

I no longer believe in it.

I want my partner to choose me wach dsy not to be with me because of the paperwork they signed or the mortgage we have together.

[BaileyB]

My partner will probably never marry again. 

My parents had a loving marriage for 40 years. I have some interest in being married because I’ve never married but decided that having a loving partner is more important than a party or a piece of paper. 

That said, we own a home together and we are now tied together legally and financially in such a way that we are really only missing the certificate. 🤣

Respect your decision to stay, but what do your children learn from watching their mother put in her time... if they are older and close to leaving home, I have to wonder if it would be better for them to see their parents both find happiness, even if they are living separately. 

[glows]

Quote

I will never get married again. why do people get upset when I say this?

It's because most people can only look through one lens at a time. It's called tunnel vision.

If you feel like society has judged you harshly, challenge it. Divorce when the time comes and cross one bridge at a time. 

 

 

[Toothgirl2]

I have 4 years to go...I am new to this forum. Can I not repond to indivuduals without reposting to my original post? Anyways, I am very social and I have 5 best girlfriends, but I also have many aquaintances that range in ages. In general, most people say "You shouldn't say that..." But here is thing, I don't say it out of bitterness or negativity. I just don't ever want to feel "obligated" to stay in a relationship. I always want it to be a mutual choice. I will date, share vacations, and even consider living together...but I will never marry again. I don't believe a piece of paper makes any one more commited to another. If you love them, you want to be with them. I agree with the person who said marriage is a "failed concept." I am NOT saying I don't believe in love, I just don't believe in marriage. Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself, but this forum is based on opinions! LOL!

 

[NYAG]

I would never get married again. It doesn't mean what it used to anymore. It's an old fashioned notion, and it's just a piece of paper no one takes seriously. What's the point when you be with someone in exactly the same way and just skip the overpriced ceremony.

[basil67]

My partner and I are nearly 30 years defacto, so I'm with you on this.

However, given that it's a personal decision, I'm wondering why you need to tell people about how you feel.   You're still married - and assuming you're not airing your marital disharmony to all and sundry, it's not like lots of people would be asking if you'll marry again. 

So to the question on why do people get upset, I'm guessing that you're talking about it too much.   Or they are friends with your husband and find it insensitive on your part.  Or perhaps you're a bit preachy about it and they take it personally.    Honestly, if people are getting upset, then perhaps you need to dial it back a bit

Edited April 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Happy Lemming]

9 hours ago, Toothgirl2 said:

I have 4 years to go..

4 years doesn't seem like its all that long.  If I look back at events that happened 4 years ago, they don't seem all that distant.  You are in the home stretch, you'll make it.  I do think the year of "lock down" from the pandemic makes that time feel longer, but the rest of the years flew by.  It doesn't sound like your husband is a being mean or difficult, just blah or "vanilla".

9 hours ago, Toothgirl2 said:

Anyways, I am very social and I have 5 best girlfriends, but I also have many aquaintances that range in ages. In general, most people say "You shouldn't say that..." But here is thing, I don't say it out of bitterness or negativity.

After you "do your time" and "make your escape", perhaps you'll make new friends with "new" individuals who will be like minded.  My girlfriend has a couple of female friends, only one of them is happily married, the rest are divorced that share her view of "never getting re-married".

And can I say "Kudos" to you for making your children a priority!!

Happiness is around the corner and you can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel... hang in there. 

 

[Miss Peach]

11 hours ago, Toothgirl2 said:

I just don't ever want to feel "obligated" to stay in a relationship. I always want it to be a mutual choice. I will date, share vacations, and even consider living together...but I will never marry again. I don't believe a piece of paper makes any one more commited to another. If you love them, you want to be with them. I agree with the person who said marriage is a "failed concept." I am NOT saying I don't believe in love, I just don't believe in marriage. Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself, but this forum is based on opinions! LOL!

 

It might be a little hard to parse but there is a guy names Joshua Fields Millburn and he runs a blog on Minimalism. But he has a similar relationship with his 'wife'. Their 'marriage' was more legal and insurance paperwork. They also meet regularly to discuss whether they want to recommit to the relationship. It may not be in your friend group but there are working examples out there. Dan Salvage's podcast might also be helpful as he's a big believer in it's not the length of the relationship that determines its sucess.

[Harry Korsnes]

14 hours ago, Toothgirl2 said:

I have 4 years to go...I am new to this forum. Can I not repond to indivuduals without reposting to my original post? Anyways, I am very social and I have 5 best girlfriends, but I also have many aquaintances that range in ages. In general, most people say "You shouldn't say that..." But here is thing, I don't say it out of bitterness or negativity. I just don't ever want to feel "obligated" to stay in a relationship. I always want it to be a mutual choice. I will date, share vacations, and even consider living together...but I will never marry again. I don't believe a piece of paper makes any one more commited to another. If you love them, you want to be with them. I agree with the person who said marriage is a "failed concept." I am NOT saying I don't believe in love, I just don't believe in marriage. Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself, but this forum is based on opinions! LOL!

 

Good points!

What does your partner think about that?

[glows]

15 hours ago, Toothgirl2 said:

I have 4 years to go...I am new to this forum. Can I not repond to indivuduals without reposting to my original post? Anyways, I am very social and I have 5 best girlfriends, but I also have many aquaintances that range in ages. In general, most people say "You shouldn't say that..." But here is thing, I don't say it out of bitterness or negativity. I just don't ever want to feel "obligated" to stay in a relationship. I always want it to be a mutual choice. I will date, share vacations, and even consider living together...but I will never marry again. I don't believe a piece of paper makes any one more commited to another. If you love them, you want to be with them. I agree with the person who said marriage is a "failed concept." I am NOT saying I don't believe in love, I just don't believe in marriage. Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself, but this forum is based on opinions! LOL!

 

I don't think anyone wants to feel obligated although obligation does factor into it if there's long term commitment at some point. It's not always a bed of roses. That's interesting that you'd agree to live with someone again as this carries a lot of obligation, imo! 

I'm not at all interested in living with anyone or marrying again so I can understand your view. I'm very comfortable in my own home and would prefer a partner firmly anchored in his. I don't believe marriage (or lack thereof) is a failed concept either. See how things go. 

[Pumpernickel]

I am not planning about ever getting remarried, either. Living together is the worst, though, so I'd rather be married with different households than unmarried living together. 🤣

Why is this in the infidelity section, though?

[hippychick3]

Why would anyone be upset that you don’t want to marry again... especially when you’re still married? I really don’t understand this. When I was at the end of my marriage with my ex and confiding in my close friends, they would not have cared if I wanted to remarry or not down the road. After being married for so long (as I was), it’s not unusual to not want to be tied down by marriage again if you’re planning to divorce. That was over 8 years ago for me, and all I wanted then was freedom. My friends understood this and would not have been surprised (or cared!) if I said I’d never marry again. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by hippychick3
Punctuation

[FMW]

I agree with @basil67, the issue may be the fact that you are still married and also that you're maybe being too vehement and vocal about the issue.  Your deep unhappiness with your marriage might be manifesting itself as an anger that is unsettling to others.  

I do not believe marriage is a failed concept, and for various reasons I do understand why people still want to marry.

All that being said - after having been married for 23 years before divorcing and being unhappy for most of them, I very much do not have any desire to ever marry again.  But the only person who gets upset about that is my mother, she has very traditional views about things and doesn't like the idea of my not having a stable and permanent relationship to enjoy and in which I am cared for.  Nothing short of marriage matches up to what she wants for me.  Even though it' bothers me at times, I know she only feels that way because she loves me.

Sometimes others question my choice, out of curiosity, and I hear "never say never".  But for the most part, I don't think people really care one way or another.  

[Alfano]

18 hours ago, FMW said:

I do not believe marriage is a failed concept, and for various reasons I do understand why people still want to marry.

You don't have to believe the earth is round either.

The statistics speak for themselves.

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Alfano said:

The statistics speak for themselves.

 

It depends on your definition of "failed concept".  If half of all marriages fail, there are still half that survive, and some that even thrive.  I don't want to get married again.  That doesn't mean I have to denigrate the institution and invalidate it for everyone else.  

[Alfano]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

It depends on your definition of "failed concept".  If half of all marriages fail, there are still half that survive, and some that even thrive. 

More than half of marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining "intact" marriages, many or even most have not led to divorce because of finances, the children, fear, etc. Not because the marriage is working. As you said, some do thrive. Maybe a third?

A 33% score on a HS Physics test isn't considered passing.

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, Alfano said:

More than half of marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining "intact" marriages, many or even most have not led to divorce because of finances, the children, fear, etc. Not because the marriage is working. As you said, some do thrive. Maybe a third?

A 33% score on a HS Physics test isn't considered passing.

No but each marriage is its own whole so each marriage that is okay is a 100% success rate.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/30/2021 at 1:31 AM, FMW said:

the issue may be the fact that you are still married and also that you're maybe being too vehement and vocal about the issue.  Your deep unhappiness with your marriage might be manifesting itself as an anger that is unsettling to others.  

I was thinking the same thing. 

It sounds like this has less to do with your personal view of marriage, OP, and a lot more to do with others not knowing what to say when their long-married friend starts making comments about how unnecessary marriage is. 

You are likely misunderstanding what they are reacting to, OP. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Alfano]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

No but each marriage is its own whole so each marriage that is okay is a 100% success rate.

We should all blow our savings at a Las Vegas Casino because the winners are 100% successful.

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, Alfano said:

We should all blow our savings at a Las Vegas Casino because the winners are 100% successful.

I don't understand that response. If you take everyone who bets at a Las Vegas Casino it won't be a 100% success rate. You have to take each gambler as an individual. Saying that betting is bad is right for the people that lose. In the same way that saying marriage is terrible and outdated fits the narrative of people who have a bad marriage experience, yet I know lots of people in marriages they seem to be content with.

[elaine567]

I think that wanting what one cannot get is very common.
You are sitting in your marriage thinking it is a prison and you can't wait to be free,
BUT  I guess your r rose coloured view of the "the outside" is far from reality.