I'm an OW and I feel like I'm now too old to find a single guy?

[MrsTiffany]

I've been an OW for almost 5 years. I've tried ending it few times and failed because neither of us could let go. l would tell myself I will see him one more time then end it for good. But then that one time always  leads to another and now 4 years has passed. I don't want to be an OW but I have hard time letting go because of my feelings of MM. I wish we were a couple. Lately , I've been contemplating to end it for good because I feel like I'm settling for less. I feel jealous of people who have legitimate partners who they can do normal couples things with. But part of me feels like I'm now too old to find a single  partner . I met MM when I was 32 now I'm almost 36. I've always find dating and finding the right mate difficult ? has anyone found love late?

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, MrsTiffany said:

has anyone found love late?

Yes. 

My friend, you are young. You have every opportunity to find a man and have a healthy and wonderful relationship. I was 39 when I met my now partner. We just built a beautiful home together and we are very much in love. 

A question for you - do you want to have children? I ask only because if you do - my goodness, you need to stop wasting your time with this married man. 

The simple truth is - if he hasn’t made the decision to leave his marriage and be with you after 5 years - it ain’t going to happen. Full stop.Go back and reread that sentence - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 

So, he could be the most wonderful man in the world (unlikely if he is cheating on his wife for five years) and you may have strong feelings of love for him... it doesn’t matter one bit if he goes home to tuck his children into bed and and sleep beside his wife every night. 

The sad reality here is that you have wasted your youth, your best child bearing years, on a relationship that has gone nowhere... A dead end relationship, as they say. 

I would be angry - with him, with myself! You only live once and one day, when you are older and wiser, you will look back and wonder what was so special about this man that made you decide to waste so much of your youth.

Of course, you should be envious of other people your age who have legitimate partners and are doing all the normal things like getting married and starting families. If you want that, you need to make a different decision for yourself. You need to find a man who is available and wants the same things. This man, is obligated to another woman. He is not the one. 

If you want more, you need to have the courage to make the hard decisions and go out there and seek that which you want for your life! Setting your aspirations on a man who is committed to another woman and then waiting with the hope that he will decide to leave his marriage and be with you is not going to get you what you want. Not at all. 

It goes without saying, dating will be difficult if you are still involved with this married man. 
 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[RecentChange]

Oh, there is no doubt that being the single other woman in an affair is settling for less, much much less than a fulfilling relationship.

I would go out on limb and say it's settling for much less than being single. Being emotionally involved with someone who places you second is damaging for most healthy individuals.

Loving someone who keeps you a secret.

Pining for someone because they won't choose you.

Missing out on many of life's events, because to your loved one you are a dirty secret.

That's a big emotional blow. That is something that will chip away at one's ego.

5 years of this - no wonder you have been eroded to the point you question if it's too late to do better. 

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD TO FIND A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP.

Being a secret mistress is no way to live. If your married man REALLY loved YOU and not simply loved the way you make him feel - he would ha e ended this long ago. Because it's not fair to you. It's not right. It's not a moral way to treat someone.

My dad and step mom met when they were in their early 40's. Married after 6 months, and for the last 35 years have been enjoying the most beautiful marriage. 

It's never too late - but the longer you stay in this, the more mental damage will be done, making it that much harder to be equipped for a healthy relationship (which a secret affair never is).

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

I would go out on limb and say it's settling for much less than being single. Being emotionally involved with someone who places you second is damaging for most healthy individuals.

Well said. 

Quote

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD TO FIND A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP.

Goodness no. But, if you want one Tiffany, you will have to have the courage to go out and find it. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[MrsTiffany]

The fact of the matter is, I've always been on the fence about having children. Part of me is okay not having children. Then another part would be open to it, if it happens and the circumstances is right. The reason why this has been weighing on my mind is because I've been thinking about the future and what I want in life. Can I see myself in this situation 10 years from now?  Like you said we only have one life to live. MM is now 43 and has no intention to leave as he made me believe when we met. He said things were bad at home and they were about to split. But then things got better at home, according to him. Him and his SO owns a house with 2 kids. I regret getting involved with him because now I've fallen for MM .While I do enjoy our time together, at some point i was content now  it's just not enough to cover the pang of loneliness, of something deeper than just the physical moments that we both share

 

Now that I'm seeing the reality for what it is the entire situation is affecting me as a person. I  can never experience life with him because he clearly has established that with someone else.I tried to be okay with the situation because  I figure its better than nothing because I'm scared to let him go. But there's always that nagging voice telling me to end it. I'm just not okay with him being unavailable deep down . I want to be with him and still see him but wished he was going home to another woman if you will. As hard as it is, I have to do what's best for me

[RecentChange]

The sooner the better. It's beyond time to rip the bandaid off.

And all the better if a childless life is one that you are amendable to.

Personally I have always known I did not want children. It's a conviction that at a younger age can be more of a hindrance than a benefit.

If you want kids - you would have to now hurry to find a good match.

But if you do not want kids, it will give you more time for some soul seeking and introspection as to why you stayed in this so long. 

I am a firm believer that the more "whole" a person feels on their own. The more they know themselves, have an established ego etc. the better equipped they are to recognize what a healthy is, and have the tools to embark on one (ie people usually do not end affairs and then jump right into a healthy long lasting relationship).

Plus middle aged men are less likely to be pining for children. They may already have some, or if they don't, it's likely not by accident.

[mark clemson]

Plenty of women start new relationships in their 40's, 50's, 60's and even above. So, no, 36 isn't too old. It's not, from what I understand, as easy for women as it was in their 20s, and I could understand not wanting to deal with it, but really the only thing preventing you is your mindset.

I would guess that having the MM around might interfere with emotionally bonding with a new partner, sort of like an Ex or orbiter who is too close.

There ARE those who are happy being a (single) OM/OW in this world, but if that's not you, then there's no real reason to continue. It probably holding you back from a new relationship.

From reading the trials and tribulations of adult daters on this site for 2+ years I would give the following advice:

Be aware that "you gotta kiss a lot of frogs," particularly if you do online dating. Don't expect strong success too soon. DO expect to have to roll with some punches - ghosting, pump and dump, people with emotional disorders that suddenly surface, those who are in it mostly "for the chase," etc, etc. Go in with realistic expectations that success will most likely take substantial time and effort. There will be some situations that look quite promising but end up just a dead end, BUT if you keep looking, you have a good chance of finding a good LTR eventually.

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8 - a Japanese proverb that will probably apply.

Edited April 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MrsTiffany said:

Now that I'm seeing the reality for what it is the entire situation is affecting me as a person. I  can never experience life with him because he clearly has established that with someone else.I tried to be okay with the situation because  I figure its better than nothing because I'm scared to let him go. But there's always that nagging voice telling me to end it.

Decisions made from a place of fear are not usually good decisions.

Staying in a relationship that makes you feel lonely, sad, and like you are missing out on life because you fear being alone or having to date is not a good plan. As recent change says, I would rather be single than in a relationship that makes me feel isolated and sad because I am missing out on life - what you called a “normal” life experience. 

You feel like this now, imagine 10 years down the road... he will be watching his children grow into adults, perhaps enjoying life with grandchildren, retiring and travelling the world with his wife... when he gets sick, she will be the person caring for him at the hospital by his side. Where will you be? Sitting at home, alone. Wondering what you did with your life? Wondering, what could have been? 

1 hour ago, MrsTiffany said:

I regret getting involved with him because now I've fallen for MM .

Just because you “fell” for the man doesn’t mean you have to stay. As Dr Phil says so succinctly, the only thing worse than spending five years of your life in a bad, unfulfilling relationship is spending five years and one day! 

If you want more for yourself, you need to make a different decision.

If you want to play the game, you need to get off the sidelines. You need to quit waiting for the coach to call you into the game...

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[MrsTiffany]

41 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Decisions made from a place of fear are not usually good decision. 

Staying in a relationship that makes you feel lonely, sad, and like you are missing out on life because you fear being alone, or having to date, or whatever else is not a good plan. As recent change says, I would rather be single than in a relationship that makes me feel isolated Nd sad because I am missing out on life - what you called a “normal” life experience. 

 

It's not neccessarly   because I fear being alone, In fact i feel like being alone would be healthier for me than this situation I'm in. I'ts mainly  because I know I will miss him terribly. But at the same time, I know staying with him will hurt me in the long run.There also been times when I wish he would just end it so that way I'm forced to move on . But he won't end it which means I have to. I just have to write down the reason why I'm moving on everytime I feel weak

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, MrsTiffany said:

i feel like being alone would be healthier for me than this situation I'm in.

Agree. 

10 minutes ago, MrsTiffany said:

I'ts mainly  because I know I will miss him terribly. But at the same time, I know staying with him will hurt me in the long run.There also been times when I wish he would just end it so that way I'm forced to move on . But he won't end it which means I have to.

It does mean that you will have to end it. He’s quite happy to keep this going because it benefits him - it’s no skin off his back. He has his family life and another woman who adores him - what’s not to like about that arrangement. 

If you are waiting for a man who has been cheating on his wife for the past five years to make a moral and ethical decision because he is being considerate of your feelings - well, you will be waiting for a long time, I’m afraid. 

The only person responsible for your life is you! And, the quality of your life is a reflection of YOUR decisions.

Yes, you will miss him... he has been a part of your life for five years now. Of course you will miss him, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from doing what is in your best interest. This is a painfully hard way to live. And, you are missing out on SO MUCH! I hope you find a way to gather your strength and do what you have to do. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Goodness no. But, if you want one Tiffany, you will have to have the courage to go out and find it.

I liked this! 😃👍

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

I've been an OW for almost 5 years. I've tried ending it few times and failed because neither of us could let go. l would tell myself I will see him one more time then end it for good. But then that one time always  leads to another and now 4 years has passed. I don't want to be an OW but I have hard time letting go because of my feelings of MM. I wish we were a couple. Lately , I've been contemplating to end it for good because I feel like I'm settling for less. I feel jealous of people who have legitimate partners who they can do normal couples things with. But part of me feels like I'm now too old to find a single  partner . I met MM when I was 32 now I'm almost 36. I've always find dating and finding the right mate difficult ? has anyone found love late?

You think you're too old at 36? I'm 47 and still have a glimmer of hope. Most of my single friends are in their mid 40s and still looking. Lots of people come back onto the market in their 40s. It's the new prime dating age as marriages and long term relationships break down and decent people find themselves alone. Noone said it would be easy. It never is. I mean, look, you settled on an MM. Plenty of those around but you can do better.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

. l would tell myself I will see him one more time then end it for good.  I wish we were a couple.   I'm now too old to find a single  partner 

Sorry this is happening. You describe it almost like an addiction more than a relationship.

This isn't about him. This is about you. This isn't love. 

Affairs are easy. They require nothing. That's what you are after. Just being there on call for someone. 

Zero effort for you. Zero effort for him.

Since you're making the typical excuses about "no single men out there", sounds like you're going to choose to do this for a while.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

MM is now 43 and has no intention to leave as he made me believe when we met. He said things were bad at home and they were about to split. But then things got better at home, according to him. 

That is because you being there propped up his marriage.
The stuff he was missing before he met you, was conveniently filled in by you.
 Neither you or his wife are really enough on your own, so he needs both of you.
He won't leave his wife for you, as you cannot fully provide all of what he needs.
If he left, he would need to get another OW to provide the stuff you don't.
Whilst he has two women loving and caring for him, you have half a man, if that...

[Syd8]

14 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

I've been an OW for almost 5 years. I've tried ending it few times and failed because neither of us could let go. l would tell myself I will see him one more time then end it for good. But then that one time always  leads to another and now 4 years has passed. I don't want to be an OW but I have hard time letting go because of my feelings of MM. I wish we were a couple. Lately , I've been contemplating to end it for good because I feel like I'm settling for less. I feel jealous of people who have legitimate partners who they can do normal couples things with. But part of me feels like I'm now too old to find a single  partner . I met MM when I was 32 now I'm almost 36. I've always find dating and finding the right mate difficult ? has anyone found love late?

Yes. I was almost 40 when I met my late girlfriend. 

[Starswillshine]

I was your age when I divorced. Now into my 40s and happily in love with someone!

So many people are out there looking for their 2nd chance at love after failing first marriage.... AND many people looking for their first love after focusing so much time on career, etc. 

[Uruktopi]

16 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

....has anyone found love late?

Yes.

In both our sixties and she was the love of my life.

I´ve later lost her. 

And what is for me now, after those years, is to even imagine anther love like the one we once had.

[Minnie Moo]

You are definitely NOT too old to start over and look for a better/healthier relationship.  
I’m 46 and ended a nearly x2 year affair back in February.  Yes it hurt like heck at the time and although I went No Contact and tried to pretend he didn’t exist anymore I did lapse an try get back in contact a few weeks after ending it. Now he’s totally blocked on everything and my resolve and strength is much much stronger than it was back in Feb.  
 

Please do the kindest most caring thing you can do for yourself and end this affair ASAP.  
 

Dating is scary and putting yourself back out there is nerve wracking but a month or so into my NC and my confidence and is finally starting to come back as the distance/time between me and the exMM gets longer.  I’m finally seeing him for what he was and whilst I still get sad and upset over what happened i now don’t wake up every day wishing he would phone and I don’t ache/yearn for him the way I used to.  
granted you’ve had x5 years as the OW so your recovery may take some time but use it as an opportunity to focus on yourself and what you want out of life and enjoy doing.  
take up a new hobby. Go see distant friends. Go on holiday. Change jobs or go for a promotion. Move house.  Do something that is just for you and will put a smile on your face and has absolutely nothing to do with being in a relationship or wanting to be with MM.  

The more you do this the better and happier you will feel  *promise* and the better and happier you feel the more able you will be to engage in a healthy relationship.  
 

I’m not as eloquent as BaileyB and the others at saying what I mean but I hope you get the gist.  Good luck. 
🤗 

[Stupidkupid]

Same advice. 

I dated loads in my mid-late thirties and it was great, as I was past putting up with other people's crud. I knew what I was worth and so did a lot of the men.

And despite what Mark says above, I had no trouble getting dates and interested, serious interest. What you may find is more divorced/ men with children so if that's not what you want, then it may narrow the pool. 

But being an OW is thankless, generally lonely and miserable. 

[Miss Peach]

I'm pretty close to your age and am beating men off with a stick. I find it really hard to stay single because I am turning down guy after guy who wants to be my boyfriend. It's totally possible. A huge part of it is getting out there to meet people, taking care of yourself inside and out, and your mind set when you go out there.

 

One thing I learned is that many people in affairs tend to have low self esteem and/or are emotionally unavailable (because you seek it in places you know deep down you can't have it). I would work on that because it will help you find better quality relationships than what you've been settling for. I found Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim to be really helpful for me on both accounts when I realized I was in a similar state after my divorce. She also wrote a great book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl which would probably be helpful. 

[NYAG]

Do be careful about time wasters though, don't go for the first person who shows you interest. Find out about red flags and make sure you understand what's going on out there in dating land. I know there are lots of happy ever after stories on here, but there are also lots of lessons to be learned.

[Snakesalive]

On 4/28/2021 at 10:05 PM, MrsTiffany said:

But part of me feels like I'm now too old to find a single  partner . I

I’m sorry you’re hurting . Do you really believe this -especially when there are so many examples of people who are living proof age is not a deal breaker in finding someone that’s single  .  I wonder if this feeling is a self fulfilling prophecy you’ve created? So you think you’re too old (you’re absolutely not) and are aligning  your behaviour to validate this belief  by staying in the affair -if you were to write a pros and cons list about the affair I wonder if  this belief would be in there and therefore is a reason to stay right where you are? 
Reframe it -make  that list if you haven’t already and make “ Being out of the affair will enable me to give my energy to meeting new single people that are worthy of me  “   

 

Edited April 30, 2021 by Snakesalive

[d0nnivain]

On 4/28/2021 at 5:05 PM, MrsTiffany said:

 now I'm almost 36. I've always find dating and finding the right mate difficult ? has anyone found love late?

I was 39 when I met the man who is now my husband.  

My MIL was 67 when she met her now BF.  My aunt was over 60 when she met her BF.  DH's aunt was 60 when she met her current husband.  

Stop thinking you are too old.  Your age isn't the problem.   You simply need to stop settling for cheaters.  No more MM  

[NYAG]

6 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I’m sorry you’re hurting . Do you really believe this -especially when there are so many examples of people who are living proof age is not a deal breaker in finding someone that’s single  .  I wonder if this feeling is a self fulfilling prophecy you’ve created? So you think you’re too old (you’re absolutely not) and are aligning  your behaviour to validate this belief  by staying in the affair -if you were to write a pros and cons list about the affair I wonder if  this belief would be in there and therefore is a reason to stay right where you are? 
Reframe it -make  that list if you haven’t already and make “ Being out of the affair will enable me to give my energy to meeting new single people that are worthy of me  “   

 

As someone else once said here, when you date an MM you are re-enforcing your own (misguided) belief that this is all you are good for and the only person who made that decision was you because there is no evidence to the contrary. 

[FMW]

People more than twice your age find love and share their lives, it's not uncommon at all.  I think you're probably aware of that, and what you're really afraid of is letting the MM go and not having him in your life anymore.  It's hard to be the one to choose to let go of someone you are very attached to,  really hard.  Until you do, you're not going to be open to or even aware of the opportunities that you are missing.